We have two homes, one for summer and one for winter. I find it almost impossible to leave mom for more than 3 weeks at a time. She cries every time I leave, but she always cries at the drop of a hat. She says I’m her only friend. When I’m here in town with her I see her 1-2 times a week. I call her almost daily. My brother lives with her. At least she’s not alone. My husband wants to be gone all summer for 3 months. This seems too long of a time to be away from her. I’m afraid she will get depressed. Isn’t this the time I should be around more? Not be gone for the whole summer. I think my husband is being a little insensitive.
"...mom lives close by but we will [be] moving and mom will be coming with us. Maybe living close to us or with us. Traveling hard to do because I’m moms only source of entertainment/socializing. Mom has no hobbies. But likes to go out to eat with me. I’m an older adult returning to school online with two grown adult children, both with anxiety, one with problems with substance abuse. Husbands wants to travel more as do I but my time is scattered between trying to love everyone."
She lives with your brother, so she's not lonely or neglected. Maybe she has cognitive issues? Do NOT move her in with you unless you want your marriage to collapse.
I'm an only child and my Mom has been living next door to us since 1997. She is too lazy/insecure to make friends outside her family. I've finally gotten to the point where I don't feel guilty if I don't include her in my social life because she's had her whole life to figure out how to make friends (and our neighbors are very friendly, nice community). I have to tell myself often, "I'm not her entertainment committee." Then I go on with my life. If she lived several states away, I wouldn't be witnessing it and it wouldn't be bothering me.
When your Mother attempts to manipulate you with her crying, change the topic. Keep changing the topic until she finally sees you won't be jerked around by her dysfunctional behavior. Put up boundaries to protect yourself and your marriage (which is the priority).
Maybe talk to your brother and have him take her to her doctor to get examined for cognitive decline and depression. There are meds that can help her for depression.
Also, be sure to ask your brother if he needs help so that he doesn't burn out and can have a life of his own.
IMO your mother is manipulating you, your brother is there, so she is fine.
Old people see to always want their way, they do not seem to realize that they are not the only people in the world who have needs and a life.
Personally, I feel that your husband is spot on, you are codependent with your mother, not a healthy relationship.
Well said about the husband being spot on about the co-dependency.
Stop feeling guilty about leaving. Old people can be some of the most manipulative folks around. They are being fed, bathed, and having their needs taken care of on a regular.
Even when I take care of clients who are not related, I can feel the fear, obligation and guilt factors coming on and these are not even my relatives. Boundaries need to be established for my own mental and emotional well-being.
As long as you and your brother continue to enable your mom, she will continue to be dependent on you both.
It's time to cut the apron strings or umbilical cord. Your time should be spent with your husband and children(if applicable)and then your mom.
It's time for her to put her big girl panties on and get a life. If she chooses not to get involved in outside activities that is on her not you. You are NOT responsible for your moms happiness, she is.
So go and enjoy the 3 months away. And tell your brother that he should take some time off as well, and that mom will be just fine with you both gone.
And if she doesn't feel comfortable with him being away she can hire caregivers(with her money)to come in a few times a week to assist her. But honestly with only A-fib and arthritis she should be more than fine on her own.
All of us over 60 have some type of arthritis and since the Covid shot more and more folks have A-fib as well, and continue on living and enjoying their lives.
Like already mentioned it does sound like some co-dependency going on here.
Time to change that before things get worse.
Have a great trip away for 3 months and enjoy your time with your husband.
One more thing to add to what I said before.
Start with I in no way wish to compare DOGS to humans. In no way..................
BUT............
We Foster and we dog-sit for dogs. They are delivered here and put on an act you cannot imagine, all heartfelt I am thinking. Splay out on the floor with sad whale-eye looks at their owners, just bereft. Know what's coming. Abandonment.
Owner goes to leave and they try to crowd out the door with them.
But let that owner be gone 15 minutes and it is all happy happy happy. They know where the treats are, where the dog toy basket is and proceed to get out their favorites, have a fine old time for two weeks, and then greet the owners as tho they were abandoned and starving all that time. Really, you have to take pictures to prove to them that they were not solidly unhappy the whole time.
Speak with your bro about how mom is without you. It may be that she is fixated a bit on her girl and the habit of being with you a lot. But it may be she is A-OK when you are gone.
Go. Have a good time. Owe it to yourself and your family.
Please, if you can, find a way to help your brother. Help hire caregivers/companion/activities with your mom’s money.
President of a charity, serve on a HOA and Corporate board.
Your mother has chosen to be dependent and you and your brother have chosen to aid her in this train of thought.
My mother is 98, lives in AL, your mother can live a real long time, do you really want to give up your marriage and life for her?
Reading between the lines, it sounds like your husband wants his wife back.
As Beatty asks, what treatments have been tried to ameliorate your mom's depression?
She already has one child living with her; does she really need two adult children at hand all the time? Does she have a terminal condition or does she have something progressive and quite debilitating like Parkinson's or dementia?
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