My LO was admitted to long term nursing home last week. She has Lewy Bodies Dementia and is still very high functioning mentally, even though she's had this for several years. She has been effected physically as she falls approx. 4 times per week and is blind. I'm being told to tell her what's happening as well as to lie and say she'll go home soon. She is crying constantly to go home and believes them when they tell her she's going home. I am 70 years old and can no longer care for her. I'm confused and don't know what I should do? Lie or truth?
If the choice is a terminal illness causing progressively complex and painful symptoms, some perception, however altered, that a life that was known and enjoyed is no longer to be, OR a simplified and edited presentation of some familiar facts, no cruelty or over explanations, and a glimmer, however slight of the possibility of happier things, I’ll encourage my relatives to lie every moment they spend with me.
It’s not at all a lie to tell someone you really CARE ABOUT that you don't know when the doctor will permit her to come home (you DON’T KNOW, DO YOU?).
Ask yourself what you’d want to hear in the same situation, consider what you can say that will enrich and comfort and console her and say that, and don’t worry about anything else.
This is not a black or white issue. Don’t try to make it one.
All that said, you know her best. Better than I do. Better than the caregivers who are not yet familiar with her. I bet you will get mixed messages here as well, and ultimately you will have to decide what you think is best. Sometimes therapeutic fibs are best for a while such as "they will help you here with your balance and we will see how that goes for you."
The thing I don't get is that we always think there is a way to fix things, that we are RESPONSIBLE to fix them. There isn't always a way to fix sad things. And it isn't our fault. Be as kind and gentle as you can be. You are doing your OWN grieving now, are you not? Would you want someone to lie to you?
I am so sad for what you are going through. For what your LO is going through. Of what my bro is going through. Of all the pain and uncertainty and trauma to all of us. Life can be so very hard. Hugs out to you.
What she wants to know is "am I safe" Reassure her that she is safe, you love her.
You can tell her that you can no longer care for her safely and she is here because you want to keep her safe. But she will not understand that, if she does it may not be for long.
Hold her hand, be with her as much as you can.
As she declines the Nursing facility will become her home. As her awareness gets smaller and smaller it will become where she is comfortable.
You might want to talk to the doctor if she is very agitated there are medications for the anxiety that will help but not cause other problems, since she is a fall risk.
For now, just do whatever it takes to help her adjust.
Wishing you good luck and Godspeed, my friend.
Now, if she has Dementia, different story. We told my Mom that she was going to a new apartment and would be making new friends. My Mom was in the later stages, though.
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