Hi!
My husband is my MIL’s only living child. His sister died about 13 years ago and as any parent can fathom, really broke his mother’s spirit. She’s been fairly depressed, although not diagnosed, ever since.
We’ve been married 8 years. Prior to getting married, we talked about what his moms plans were for the future. He made it clear that as we were a young couple, that the plan wouldn’t be her moving in. We now have two small children and are planning a third. The medical needs of one child has led me to shift away from my career as lawyer and now I teach part time with an eye to return to a full time career teaching when my youngest is in kindergarten. This is something we’ve talked about and would benefit our family financially and emotionally. My MIL and I have always had a strained relationship owing to I think differences in personalities, culture, expectations, and mental health concerns. She visits a twice a year but for short periods of time. She had a mild stroke last year and has since recovered. Her doctor in her home country advised that we should consider her staying with us for longer visits. I had my reservations about this working but I didn’t want to be unkind. My husband and I talked about her staying permanently and his sponsorships of her immigration petition. We didn’t agree on the permanent option but decided to ask her for a longer visit. She has been here since January and was initially slated to return home on March. Due to COVID, that didn’t happen
My husband and I can’t afford to take care of her long term (unless I care for her) and give our kids a decent life. He’s an essential employee and the nature of his work means he has to work a lot, often around the clock. Before her visit, I was doing, if not all of child care plus my own work, most of it. Yet,
Somehow we found a balance where he would take the lead on weekends. Since she’s been here, Attending to her has been my responsibility and it’s been hard and nearly impossible. I make her meals, wash her clothes, clean her space and have to supervise her interactions with my kids (discipline and just awareness on how to interact with them Is a big a problem) all the while trying to lovingly parent and teach my children. She wants to be helpful but due to mobility issues, really can’t assist much. What she can help with, comes loaded with criticism so it’s more peaceful to just do it myself.
Recently she’s been having issues with hygiene and I’ve had to ask her to bathe. She says she can’t smell herself and doesn’t see the need to bathe daily as she isn’t doing much but sitting around. She seems mentally acute to me but I think living alone, her standards may have slipped? I don’t know for sure since she does reside abroad and have only seen each other in short bursts. We don’t talk much now because of a few fights that happened weeks ago and are trying to give each other space. But it’s not enough. My home is my sanctuary and I am ashamed to say, having her here this long has made it clear that I am uncomfortable with her being here long term. I feel like my plate is full. My husband and I are now in counseling because he doesn’t know what to do with his mom in the future but also doesn’t want it to fall on me. His mom puts pressure on me to let her move in.
We have a carriage house but she won’t consider it, because at 20 ft away, it’s too far. I’m not a needy person by nature and really need my space. My husband is the same but is willing to suck it up (which has made him unpleasant and dedicated more to working so he can avoid it all).
If We had an empty nest and weren’t still building our lives, I’d feel differently.
Her flight is now slated to depart in July. I am trying to have a conversation about other options for her long term care but I don’t know how? I think it’s best that we consider mutual visits as options and then eventually long term care in her home country as living here (unless she stays with us) is financially prohibitive.
So sorry you r being blamed here. Maybe in your session you can bring up how her living with you just would have not worked. Two adult woman cannot live with each other for one, especially when one thinks she is the Matriarch. She would need a greencard to stay here and I think its 5 years before she would qualify for any kind of help like Medicaid. She would not qualify for SS or Medicare because she never paid into it. That means private paying her health insurance. If she is hospitalized and ends up in rehab...will her private coverage pay for her care like Medicare does? And she has resources at home. I agree she is lonely but what she wants may not be viable. Make a list of pros and cons. You are the one who will be left with this woman day in and day out. With two small children, you have no time to entertain her. At 80 it will be hard for her to find friends if she is not willing to get out. Eventually the kids will be in school all day, which when that happens you may want to go back to work. Then she is home alone.
I thank God my MIL never chose to move back here. But, since we had already had an altercation and DH took my side, I knew my input was important. Actually, when he did consider her living with us, he told his Mom she would sell her house and us ours and we would find a rancher with a master bedroom and bath where she would have her own area. But, he would not mortgage a house since he would be retiring. So what our house didn't cover in the cost, hers would have to. She never made that decision.
The best advice is probably to stay strong, lie low, wait for her to go, wait for things to settle down and for the family dynamic to recover. Then have another discussion, where you put your foot down very firmly. If MIL ‘has made her dislike of me clear in letters and family meetings’ she should not be living with you, nor you with her. If she ‘wants desperately to be with her son and grandkids, but not me’, then she will have no problems in working against your marriage. This really is a situation where your husband has to choose between his mother’s wants and your needs. Don’t feel guilty that it has all gone wrong. There is no way it was going to go right.
My husband says the environment I caused in our home with my “ facial expressions and body language” has led her to be uncomfortable and feel
unwelcome. His mom told
him that she’s never coming back here. I’ve never said she couldn’t visit. Only indicated to my husband that we should restrict it two maybe 4 weeks a couple of times a year. I confess I have been tired and stressed ( two small kids locked in) but I can’t conceal that for 6 months! My husband pretty much blames me for putting him in an impossible situation. So much so that we’ve postponed our anniversary ( 6/30) until after our weekly marriage counseling session. I am a little in shock with how all of this is going. We were fine before. Now I’m not sure what’s happening. He clearly doesn’t want his mom to go under these conditions, and I’d never have recommended it either. I told him he should fly with her halfway to be sure she’s ok. He’s just so hurt by all of this and upset with me. I’ve just tried to survive and keep to myself. Apparently, that approach was inhospitable and wrong? I don’t know.
Your husband is allowing one person to have a negative impact on three soon to be 4 members of your family. And he seems to think it is ok to subject you to her abuse for the next 18+ years?
This is not ok.
Send her home to Barbados next month and be very clear that there will not be any more visits until ground rules are etched in stone.
It is not up to her doctor back home to decide how long the visits should be, or if indeed there should be any visits. Would it be easier for your family to travel to Barbados to visit? You can stay in a hotel, choose how much one on one time you will have with her and leave when she gets persnickety. Or better yet, send your husband on his own.
It might take just a pinch of chutzpah, but could you point out to your MIL that her first duty is to her mother..?
My MIL is from Barbados and her sister who once cared for her mother now resides in the same assisted living community in Canada. We’ve inquired as to her moving theee but the same impediments apply, she has no ability to draw on state benefits as she has never lived anywhere but Barbados. She has some resources but all of them are if use only in her home country.
What family is pressuring you to find a way to make it work? And friends?
"My blood pressure has gone up and my doctor is concerned that this situation is deleterious. My husband seems down, has gained 18 lbs from stress and his personality has changed as well. Our whole home is overtaken with tension and I feel like the kids sense it too."
So everyone in the household is having negative effects. Don't start accumulating the effects of high bp now if you don't have to. Your H is on his way to negative health effects, also. And so are your kids. Use your doctor's concern as an excuse, if you have to. You are not well enough to do this. And you are the one who is doing most of the caregiving, so YOUR health is very important! Don't let ANYone tell you that these things don't matter.
Your mil's mother is 106?! While that is wonderful, that is also scary to think that if you let mil stay, like you wrote it could well be for over 20 more years!
I'm hoping that plane carries mil away up into the big blue yonder and back to the Caribbean come July!
Keep us updated!
I’m hoping they flight occurs without a hitch too. We need a break.
I also ask why she can't handle clothes washing and other relatively simple tasks. W/o being critical of you, I suspect you kind of folded her needs into those of the rest of the family when she first arrived, but over time those needs have become too much, as have her criticisms.
She could even fold the children's clothes; it would help keep her occupied.
As to a possible culture barrier, just generally where has she stayed when abroad? English speaking countries? She apparently was abroad b/c she wanted to be, and those culture differences may have something to do with her attitude, but that also could reflect aging and loss of ability issues.
What’s more, she folded some of the kids clothes for a few weeks until I discovered she wasn’t cleaning her hands properly after using the restroom and washing or even using sanitizer after blowing her nose. I’m not a clean freak but with COVID, we’ve tightened our ship around here. When gently asked by her son to make sure she was more cleanly, she mocked our hygiene and called into question the agenda of those scientists trying to encourage better hygiene habits. This is apart from her remarks about how I sort clothes And clean etc.
She’s not a bad person but very fixed in her worldview, which is tolerable at a distance but overbearing up close.
She’s from the Caribbean which, ironically, my mother is as well. My mother and I talk, and my mother believes much of this is not culture, but just my MIL’s idiosyncrasies born from living alone and tough life.
She has a support system back home but wants desperately to be with her son and grandkids. But not me. She has made her dislike of me
clear in letters ( I’ve saved) and family meetings with my poor husband.
We had her going to a senior center but she’d only go for 3 hours as she would rather be with me ( or really the kids).
I’m 35 and fairly healthy but over the last five months have developed anxiety and an inability to relax. My blood pressure has gone up and my doctor is concerned that this situation is deleterious. My husband seems down, has gained 18 lbs from stress and his personality has changed as well. Our whole home is overtaken with tension and I feel
like the kids sense it too.
I wanted to work out something for her with my husband before she left, I.e. clarifying what we will do moving forward. I favor clear communication and well defined expectations. She is aware I think of what this visit has
done and keeps begging me to stay in future. It’s a tough situation but I think she has to stay where she is OR we have to generate more income for assisted living here ( which is stupendously expensive).
Having worked with attorneys almost all of my working career, I don't recall any who felt this way and justified compromising a position, unless it was for a better client outcome., and ALL parties benefited. That you do feel this way suggests to me that you've already, consciously or unconsciously, begun to adapt to the pressure MIL creates. So it's timely that you're evaluating the situation now, especially with your husband working more b/c of MIL's presence.
You might consider listing what can be accomplished and allowed within the family needs and parameters, IF you were to allow her continued long term residence. Anything else is off the table, or would have to be purchased from outside sources. This allows you to establish terms, with which she will have to comply if she wants to stay. I'm obviously not inferring unreasonable demands though.
This gives you a baseline, but also lets her know that she can't have everything she wants. And it may be the start of a lot of friction, but you and your husband need to stand your ground on the parameters you establish. Stating that EVERYONE needs to cooperate if the arrangement is to work is a good, tactful way of avoiding the issues of your being demanding, or other excuses she might raise.
I'm sure you've established similar parameters for your children, and in some ways she's behaving like one and needs to be given boundaries.
How did she live when she was abroad? Did she have help? Personally, I could see her living in the carriage house; a 20 foot walk isn't difficult for someone who's physically able.
Meals could be just brought over to her; she can get used to eating alone, especially if she's disruptive. Dining doesn't have to be a group activity.
You may have to think of her as an adult child, needing some supervision to encourage her to behave more cooperatively.
I'd just forget about the showers and use no rinse shampoo and soap. It's a lot easier. If she complies, treat her afterward, perhaps with a special food, accompanying her on a walk, or something that she enjoys. Give her incentives to cooperate.
But be prepared to put your feet (all four of them) down if she doesn't accede to you and your husband's standards.
I know this isn't easy; it's hard to be forceful with a older parent, but there has to be a balance maintained in order for any living arrangement to work. And if it doesn't, she always has the choice of returning overseas.
I would tell her to stay with you, she will need to use the carriage house. That long term just won't work because you are two different people. She was able to raise her children in her home with no intervention, you would like that too. Is she really that immobile that she can't do for herself? She can't do a load of wash? She can't fold her own clothes? Put them away? How dirty can her space get. Swifter products are great. Dusters do a great job. I have a small lightweight vacuum I use for quick pickups and rooms not really used. Are you maybe doing things for her because its quicker and you know its done? Believe me, I know where you are coming from. Especially, its easier to do it yourself.
You may want to explain to hubby (my husband still doesn't understand this) that two adult woman cannot live together. Even a mother and daughter have their way of doing things. A MIL and DIL even more so.
What will MIL do if she goes home? What support does she have there? You have been doing everything for her, will she be able to do for herself?
You understand how husband feels, its his mother. But if you haven't considered it, be aware that MIL will be entitled to no benefits here. I think there is something like a 5 yr wait for Medicaid. (someone will correct me) She is not eligible for Social Security or Medicare, she never paid into it. Her health insurance will need to be paid by her or you. That is not cheap.
a resident in her kids’ homes. She needs space too.
You are spot on about how she’d be eligible for no services here. She has services and support at home but wants to be with us. I’ve explained, as I tend to be cornered since husband working so much, why it’s difficult for her to move here. She gets it, I believe m, but still insists. I expect she thinks we have more financial resources than we do, as husband is an attorney. But as we live in one of most expensive regions and both have student loans, it’s not the high life. We do
ok but not enough to take
on an adult for what could be 20
years. We want to have another child and save college. We’ve also explained this to her.
I don’t know what the future will bring but her family is very long lived. Her 106 mother is still
around and feisty. So
committing now to having her here, feels like a big chunk of our youth and time to really share the world with our kids and to live our lives.
I am not opposed to proffering fiscal
support when we are able, but I just can’t imagine how having here in our home or even in our carriage house, won’t jeopardize our family.
On MIL's next visit, place her in the carriage house. You may want to consider adding an overhead covering and maybe a smoother path for the 20 ft to your house, but the distance alone should not be a major problem. During winter, you may want to add plastic side walls to reduce wind impact. My mother has very significant mobility issues and can slowly cover 150 ft with her walker most days. When she cannot, we use a wheelchair for major distances and she then uses a walker in the destination room/area. Maintaining the ability to walk even a few steps is critical in avoid pressure sores and an easy transfer ability.
I suggest negotiating a compromise over bathing. In my mother's childhood and young adulthood (when running water was not available in a lot of homes), most people took a bath weekly and had "bird" baths daily. A bird bath was performed using a washbowl and a large pitcher of warm water along with soap, wash clothes and a towel. During cold weather a bird bath might be only washing face, neck, hands, under arms and privates while not completely undressing. In warmer weather, people stripped, soaped the entire body, and then rinsed. During my childhood my great-uncles still used the farm's back porch to wash before entering the house for meals; they removed their shirts and washed with soap and water from the waist up, then dried and put on a clean shirt. So while I agree MIL may not need a daily full bath or shower, she does need some bathing on a daily basis. I suggest a night time routine that includes a shower every 2-3 days and a basic wash up on non-shower days followed by changing into a clean gown or pjs. You may want to check out rinse-less soaps for clean ups. This gives you an opportunity to remove dirty clothing and make sure she dresses in clean clothes in the morning.
If resources allow, I suggest hiring an in-home aid to help MIL with the nightly routine, maybe even to include some basic carriage house housekeeping. As your children grow older and you return to work, the nightly aid will become very important to allow your family a normal life.
One of the most important suggestions I can provide is to not become MIL's sole socialization. If the visits are going to be "longer" MIL needs to develop her own friends and social life using a senior center, church, or adult day care. From what I have read on this forum and experienced in my extended family, the elder who needs supportive but not 24/7 care usually becomes a disruption because the care giving family becomes the sole social resource for the elder. So the elder wants to be in contact with the family anywhere from daily to continuously and destroys normal family life. MIL needs to understand from the beginning she is invited to some scheduled family dinners (and then return to her domain in the carriage house), but other nights activities may mean the family has dinner on the go or company and she is expected to eat alone (or with her aid) in the carriage house. I would have at least one scheduled meal a week (maybe Wed?) where only your family attends. If CV is allowing the senior center in your area to reopen, I would see about getting MIL involved there before her return home in July.
I would use MIL's visits and carriage house residence to test or develop an idea of how you could maintain your own family privacy and activities while possibly meeting MIL's care needs. Does the carriage house include a small kitchen? Could your husband keep his mother's kitchen stocked and cleaned? When EOL comes, will you be able to afford a work hours companion for MIL? Is it possible MIL could be permanent resident status or naturalized by then and eligible for some senior services?
back home she would cook, but while she’s with us she won’t. We have talked of putting a kitchen In the carriage house and she says she won’t use it. She doesn’t want to be “ back there alone and away from
her family.” She wants to take all meals with us and snacks. And I think my husband would feel
bad saying she’d only be able to eat with us once or twice a week. She’s very needy and has really had it hard in life and that plays to my husband’s sympathies. If I asked for that, I think I’d be seen as callous. Although it’s what I’d desire.
The bathing routine is an excellent idea ( if she’ll agree). But she doesn’t feel like changing clothes daily is necessary and is adamant about this. She changed clothes maybe twice a week. She’s reused
adult diapers if she hasn’t soiled them (for economy) and as a result, has an odor. Ive has to speak to her woman to woman about this. She stopped for a few days but then started again as she feels I am wasteful and overly attentive to hygiene.
She moves slowly but otherwise does an ok job caring for herself which is why I wonder why she’d want to add to our burden right now. We’ve hired someone to check on her going forward in her home country. We aren’t sure what else to do.
but that’s a ways away. My husband acknowledges all of this but is willing to” endure until
the end” which is, to my
mind, unhealthy for everyone. I think he’s upset at me for not finding a way to make it work and needing space( even though he needs it himself and has no ideas on what to do lol) which is why I was trying to facilitate a resolution. I think you are right that I need to just step back and let the two of them sort it out. Again thank you! Im
waiting until July and praying the flight departs with her on it.