My mother's caregiver, who I have relied on and trusted for over three years and counting (employed by an agency), really did dumb yesterday. She used my mother's credit card to make a relatively small purchase on her own personal amazon account. I discovered this immediately because of all of the alerts I have on my mother's credit card (this was a "card not present" transaction).
I followed up with Amazon, and they were able to confirm who the purchaser was. I very grudgingly offered the caregiver's name, hoping that it wasn't her. The customer service person said yes, it is this person. I was so deeply disappointed and felt very much betrayed and taken advantage of. As someone who I've put a lot of trust in, and have had tremendous faith in her judgement and reliability over the years--and what could well be years to come -- even though the amount was pretty trivial ($28 and change for goodness sakes), I'm struggling.
Amazon removed the credit card info from her account, and she won't be able to use the card for any further purchases. I also disputed the amount with the credit card company, so all of that is good to go.
The thing is, I don't want to get rid of her, and I feel really conflicted about that. She has been the best caregiver in the past 5 plus years -- all of the others have been flakey and unable to use good judgement (I live 3 plus hours away, work full time, and need someone who can take responsibility and initiative when necessary). This person was someone who would demonstrate good common sense, keep in good touch with me, run interference in any number of difficult situations. When my mother fell last March, she handled the paramedics, the ER, and the cleanup at the house. I was very appreciative and gave her a monetary "thank you" since I know her agency wouldn't pay her more than her hourly rate. Now that it's holiday season, I was (maybe still am???) ready to write her a check for her annual Christmas bonus, which I'm pretty certain other clients don't do.
Sigh...a few months ago, she was driving my mother through her retirement community, and she got a speeding ticket (I was notified since my mother's a resident). The community "police" are hypervigilent and my reaction was to think "hey, it happens" (she was going maybe 40 mph in a 35 zone), and I paid for the ticket so she wouldn't be out the $50. I just thought "don't let it happen again" and moved on.
I'm just so deeply disappointed, and wonder if I'm being a total chump. Searching online, I've found posts that use the terms "elder abuse" and I wonder if I should immediately terminate her, and then embark on the horrendous task of finding another replacement. The agency would of course send someone else, or more than one person if necessary, but the upheaval to my mother (and me, honestly) is just overwhelming to think about.
And I don't know if, or how, I should approach this with her! Amazon couldn't tell me if the caregiver would receive her order or not, but she will be able to see plain as day that the credit card info is permanently gone from her account, so she'll know what's up in that way. I wonder if maybe it would be beneficial to just let her twist in the wind--not say a thing to her, but she'll know she's on notice.
It was such a stupid thing to do. She knows I watch my mother's accounts like a hawk, or she should know. Would it be awful, or stupid of me, if I continued to keep her as my mother's caregiver? I know that it's the nature of the situation (my being long distance, my mother having dementia, caregivers earning a crappy wage for difficult work) that things may go missing, they might take advantage in small ways if they can get away with it, and I've made my peace with that. If she throws a few groceries for herself into the cart when she takes my mother shopping, I'm not going to sweat it. If a tchotchke or two or three disappear, so be it -- that's the way it goes, is my attitude.
But this...???
God forgives and per the bible says He will remember our sins no more.
If you decide to forgive her, it would be wise as I see it, not to reheat her sins often or even on rare occasion.
Grace + Peace,
Bob
I completely agree that finding another caregiver that does a good job is very difficult especially given your distance.
I would tell her you got a fraud alert, you reported it and subsequently realized you may have gotten her in trouble for identity theft (that should scare her enough). She won’t be receiving a Xmas bonus for her decision and in turn you won’t report her to her agency because you prefer she not get fired. You certainly cannot allow your moms card to be breached but in case it was a mistake (which you know it isn’t) you may want to just handle it between the 2 of you, so she’s not fired, wreck her chances of future hire, but ultimately save yourself from the painstaking task of finding another good caregiver because yes good ones are hard to find.
I don’t agree that a Tchotchke missing here and there is ok though. If you want to give her a gift you will, nobody should TAKE anything from an elder or their home... sorry that’s stealing and I’m surprised you’re ok with that.
They gained access to his financial information and robbed him.
Trusted caregivers by the way.
I once had a house guest - a Nigerian woman who was on scholarship at a local college - steal a piece of fine jewelry from me that was in my vanity in my bathroom. The feeling sucks. People steal. I was naive. I made it easy. Never again.
If she did steal, the Agency will terminate her if you tell them why you don't want her anymore. Its probably time for a new caregiver anyway. Many get lax over time and lose their professional edge. Get the answers you need and go from there.
And it will most likely escalate if you don't address it because the temptation will be there. We went through the same thing with my in-laws with their home health aide they just adored. It, too, started with small monetary thefts- until $5000 went missing (yes, they shouldn't have had that much cash in their apartment but there was no reasoning with them). Her husband, to add matters, is the building maintenance man so had the keys to the apartment. Other residents in the building then admitted to thefts when using this same aide, but nothing could be proven. The aide (a retired RN- which added credibility in the eyes of my FIL) told him that she would never steal from him so of course he believes her. The best thieves are the ones you least want to suspect, I suppose.
Every employee needs to know there is a “boss” watching over them to keep them doing the right thing. She will probably appreciate your fairness and the fact that you are also watching out for your mom.
My mother is remote from me and I have an independent individual who checks on her in yes, a facility. I consider it 'insurance'. Working with the industry I have observed some who really care and others apparently, just collecting a paycheck.
It's clear you want to be fair, yet at the end of the day, if not as a Guardian, POA, or a steward for your Mom, you are her advocate to whatever extent that requires and that you are able to extend.
Just wondering though, when does a feeling move past being awkward and develop into fear for some people? So many people have unrealistic anxiety. I have seen fear cripple people.
For instance, my summer job as a kid was at at convenience store. I got robbed at gun point. My daddy pitched a fit and asked me not to go to the police line up for fear of the robber retaliating.
I get that he loved me but I went to the line up. I couldn’t identify anyone and my dad was happy. He also told me to quit my job there.
I think people are afraid to speak to one another. Does anyone else feel this way?
A caregiver knows our schedules, the layout of our homes, perhaps the code to the security system. Our pets know them & accept their presence. Even if the caregiver is trustworthy, someone in their family or circle of friends may not be. An offhand remark or casual conversation could have unknown ripples.
We had a caregiver who was very anxious to get in our basement. She wanted to know what we had down there that she could sell on craigslist. Her son was in jail & did not have bond money. After the 2nd time I found her in the guest room doing unrequested "cleaning" I called the agency & said we had decided pursue other care options.
Did I complain about her to the agency? No. I was not comfortable with the potential fallout. As it was she sent me letters & left gifts on our porch hoping to become friends. Kinda creepy.
You will have to make your own decision on how to handle.
But I will share with you my perspective:
Our elder had her entire costume jewelry and precious jewels and other random items from the house stolen. In small batches over time.
Hidden very far in a corner with tons of stuff on top of it? No worries -- they have tons of time when the elder is in a trance watching TV to search and find and take. Stuff in a safe? ha... meet the crowbar.
Very, very sad.
Agency hire? You report it to the agency and have her replaced. They have insurance and procedures for this.
Direct hire?: After you find a replacement, you report it to the police. So we have taken on the following... our home care job application requests all of the same information you would give to a regular employer.
Date of birth, confirmation of ability to work in this country, Driver's license, make and model of car, car license plate number, emergency contact information. As well as the rest: employment history, references, etc.
In your new hire procedures you use a check list of duties. Emergency procedures.
And make your procedures clear about what happens if something goes missing in the house. ____ You state we have had things stolen and we call the police when it happens. The police come and interview the caregivers. Period. (You have to have police report in order to get insurance money.)
The caregiver initials every line item on your list so you know everything is clear. And they are not taken by surprise. The police WANT you to report these things.
And it is important. The police come mostly to be sure the elder is not being physically abused. But they can interview the caregivers to ask about it. Most likely she will fold in their presence. You decide if you want to press charges, but it does not hurt to make sure everyone who works for you is aware of how you handle things.
Good luck.