I've become mean and bitter. Am I just being petty?

You're are burnt-out, tired and resentful for having lost your privacy. Your father should be moved to a seniors' care facility. You have no obligation to have him in your house. There are facilities available to seniors with limited financial resources. Consult some of the local social agencies for the elderly in you community.

I feel the same way. My mother who is 75 lives with my husband and I, our 5 kids (they are all high school or college thankfully) and 4 dogs! My mother moved in when my father died two years ago. Her dementia was not nearly as bad then, and I promised my father on his deathbed that my mother would be taken care of by me in my home. I’m a very loyal daughter and I always do what I say I’m going to do. My home is not huge, but we turned our only extra room downstairs into her bedroom. She can’t walk upstairs very easily (or so she says. I think she makes this up just so she doesn’t have to go upstairs because she has no physical problems that I’m aware of ) so we made that accommodation. Now we only have a kitchen and a small living room for my entire family to go into. My mother takes it upon herself to sit at the kitchen table spreading out all of her word searches, newspapers, dirty tissues, towels that she rests her elbow on and probably six seat cushions. She never moves these items as they stay there all day every day. When I do move the items into her room at the end of the day, she will get angry and put them right back on the table. She does not ever leave the kitchen unless it’s for one of her smoke sessions which is probably 15 times a day. She smokes outside, but she comes in wreaking like smoke and sometimes leaves the front door open so we smell the smoke coming in. It’s just a constant battle. We fight about this constantly but I’ve given up at this point . She keeps the kitchen lights on because she says that she has to have them on all night long so she can see (even though we have night lights). She never goes in her room even though her room is huge with a table, TV and computer area. It’s at the point where no one wants to go into the kitchen because they will be asked 500 questions and she will continue to ask the same questions over and over and over and over. I have also become silent around my mother and when I do answer her, I become short. I try so hard not to get annoyed with the repeated questions and her negative undertone when she does make comments. For example, I walk in the house with groceries and she’ll ask “why so many groceries!!!!” I or when I make a snack she’ll say “do you really need to eat that right now. “. To which I respond,” do you really need another cigarette?”. I don’t wanna be vindictive and mean, but it’s hard not to when she has taken over our lives in so many ways.

She never offers to cook, clean or do anything. Sometimes, she will unload the dishwasher and she thinks in her mind she has made a major contribution and therefore it does not have to do anything else for the rest of the week. I know it’s part of the disease, but it’s been this way for a long time even before she was diagnosed. my father did everything for her, so she is extremely dependent on everyone. When she tells me she cleaned the sink for example, I’ll ask her what she used to clean it with and she’ll tell me the kitchen sponge. Therefore, I do not push the issue of cleaning.

My husband is unbelievably patient and kind to her. He is the one that takes me off the ledge when I am ready to lose it. I feel terribly because every time we want to have a date night, we have to make up excuses as to where we’re going so she doesn’t ask to come with us. Sometimes I will flat out tell her that we are going on a date night and she can’t come with us but then I feel terrible about it afterwards. I know that she is sad and lonely and we do like to take her out to dinner with us every once in a while, but she never offers to take us out or pay for it. It’s very frustrating.

It’s all the little things that have become pet peeves of mine. Sometimes just looking at her makes me angry. I’ve grown to not even like my mother and it’s horrible to say that and I feel terribly guilty about it.

I just wanted to let you know that I feel your pain and I hate feeling angry and bitter toward someone that is sick.

tgengine - I just read your added comments. I don’t know you or your history as long as others here obviously do, but I was struck by you saying over and over, “There are no other options.”

No other options? Yes, there are. People here know of and suggest many, all entirely workable. But only if you want them and are willing to do them. Change, especially big change, can be hugely stressful and difficult for a short time (my husband and I just went through a massive one). But staying with your current situation is clearly grinding you down continually with no hope of a happy end in the foreseeable future (which is what we, too, would have had we not made the other choice). Your current situation sounds like it is awful for you, your wife, *and* your father. Is martyr really your life goal? Will you be remembered as the kind man who faithfully helped his family members? Or as the bitter, cranky old man who never had a bit of joy in him but did his much-cursed roundly-hated obligation? I am so sorry for you right now, with your raw cry of pain of the burdens crushing you. Please seek those options and create the change for the benefit of all of you.

Having read many of tgengine's posts over the last 3 years or so, nothing has changed during that time despite his many complaints and despite numerous comments and advice from everyone.

I've come to a conclusion that Tgengine just needs to vent and gets validation for his suffering. That is all he needs so that he can continue the status quo.

I would be shocked if he made any changes even small ones.

The only way change would occur would be when circumstances forced things to change.

He is steadfastly holding on to his conviction that he is doing the right thing by his dad regardless of how wrong it is for him and his wife.

His dad, on the other hand, walks all over him and his wife.

Tg, you mentioned Masonic living facilities. The one I am familiar with is Masonicare in CT. I am almost certain that their NH accepts Medicaid patients because we ONLY looked at places that did (for my mom).

Have you explored this beyond calling and asking prices?

Your dad presumably gets Social Security, which is not " nothing". Pease consider talking to and eldercare attorney about options.

Not petty at all! I feel for you! I agree that you should look for some sort of assisted living but you say there is “no money” and I am not sure what that means. Is he medicaid eligible? Just think, if you weren’t around, what would the solution be? Placement. Take care of yourself because, at the rate you are going you will get sick.

Find an assisted living or senior community for your father to move to.
He has to go. It's your house and you do not want him there anymore. Everyone always says that we have to "cherish" these years with our parents when they're elderly. I ask:

What is there to cherish?

-Becoming a nanny-slave to a narcissistic, selfish senior who thinks the whole world revolves around their needs and demands.

-Giving up one's home and turning it into a senior care facility with ramps, grab bars, hospital beds in the living room. Then add in smelling like piss and sh*t most days.

-One's freedom and liberty. Not being able to leave the house without an interrogation or literally arranging for baby-sitters (that is if the senior isn't being stubborn and won't accept).

-In addition to becoming a nanny-slave we also have to be entertainers. Alleviating the senior's boredom. If that means they're in the mood to instigate a fight or engage in a bit of verbal abuse, we better take it with a smile.

This is what we're supposed to be "cherishing"? This is what most of us get. All the romanticism about elderly caregiving is a lie. This is what most of our lives are.
Find your father a care facility and take back your life.

I sure can hear your frustration and tired goes with this. You obviously need a break because 24/7 will wear you out. I understand with most of us we don't own a money tree but perhaps you could get some outside help to come in and spell you for awhile. Is there an adult day care in your area that you could send your dad to. It is not free but well worth it if you can do it. Does your dad have dementia or does he just live with you. Lifting prayers up for you!! I don't hear mean and petty! I just hear frustration and overtired.

Be grateful he can walk. At least he can move around and you don't have to be behind him every step of the way. Try to find some time for yourself.

Your wife's health and well being should be your first priority. Your children are not responsible for their grandfather.

Thanks for all the suggestions, I am taking them in and they are helpful. it is a slow process but I am working on it.

I grew up in the home that you describe, with a mean and bitter mother who felt obligated to take her mother in to live with us but couldn't stand her. Everything grandma said and did rubbed my mother the wrong way and set her off on a tirade which ruined my childhood and ruined their relationship as well as the one between my mother and myself. She made every excuse under the sun why she couldn't send grandma away to another family member's home or a nursing home on Medicaid. After 25 years of torture for all concerned, my mother stopped martyring herself and sent grandma to live with my aunt in another state. In short order, my aunt said No Way and off grandma went to the nursing home on Medicaid, thereby saving my aunt's sanity. Grandma was fine and went on to live until she was 91 in the nursing home.

To this day I have a strained relationship with my mother whose almost 95 and living in Memory Care Assisted Living since I vowed NEVER to move her in with me, based on the hideous experience I lived through in my youth.

If you're not careful, your father will outlive you and your wife while you break your backs caring for him. Stress, resentment and bitterness is killer and it ruins your life. Trust me, I know.

Medicaid will cover the nursing home. My heart goes out to you - I've become bitter too. I hate what caregiving has done to me. Sending hugs....

Change is hard. Having read mamy posts from tgengibe over the last 3 years or so, I have the feeling that tgengine just wanted to vent as he did now and then over the years. He's not looking for suggestions to make changes to his unhappy situation.

He will continue to go on putting up with his dad, possibly till the last day, as he said he was supposed to cherrish this time.

Years from now, if he can outlive his dad given the tremendous and increasing stress of caring for him, he probably will miss his dad and will say he would do it all over again.

For your sanity, your marriage, your health..
Get yourself to your county aged resource center/ department..here in my county it’s called ADRC aged disability resource center, They will guide you on the Medicaid application. I found an independent placement specialist in my area . It’s franchised, there maybe one near you. Carepatrol… my specialist helped us place my in laws into a AL that took Medicaid without need to self pay for a period. We placed them together. When one of them passes, the other will have to share a room.

You don’t pay the placement specialist, they get paid by the AL company.

my specialist helped me recently place my mom. AL wanted 1 year self pay… my mom may not make it. But I was honest with them , I believe she will make 10 months. They won’t have her leave or have her share a room. A contract that carepatrol has with the AL company.

if your dad refuses to leave , make things uncomfortable, tough love…do it for yourself.

I admit , I’m the in law . I did everything in my power for my husband not to become the caregiver. Including finding the placement.

BIL in charge of finances ,is greedy and wanted us to share caregiving , so siblings and himself could net $9000. SIL also wanted us to share caregiving. Because she thought it best….She works and once retired wouldn’t have to do caregiving since she lives more than an hour away.

anything I’ve learned here …. Absolutely not. I didn’t work since I was 15 to continue working into my 70’s ….

Do it for yourself and in the meantime get yourself a caregiving company to help out…

TG, I feel your pain! i can sympathise with all you say and it makes me want to cry. I deal deal with the hygiene issues myself but the 'bad behaviour' and the repetitiveness drives me insane, I hide in the kitchen a lot so I don't have to shout at 700 decibels 20 times. When ever we go out we book a carer but she is always up when we get in at what ever time and we have to deal with the 'I cant sleep' and shouting at the bottom of the stairs for more sleeping tablets. fights when its shower time, if I don't cook her what she wants (bacon egg and chips) she pushes her food around moaning. She hates a balanced diet and we are fighting an HB1a level of 48 at mo because I don't want to inject her every day as well as everything else. Doesn't remember anything we tell her (and i write it down), but can remember to phone her niece and tell her that she is all alone. I can assure you she never is at night time. My Nan had dementia and i would visit a few times a week and it was heartbreaking but it was easy to focus on her and go with the flow, by GOD its so different to living with it! I just want to cry and run. I have pushed for respite care and have a meeting on 27th Oct, now i read that they can refuse to go. My question is..... if I break who will look after her then? I work full time we have 5 dogs (not planned-merged Families) and a house renovation, I am drained to say the least. For the first time this week i have just wanted her gone for a bit so i can sit down in peace, I don't take time off work because i cant relax in my own home. Its so tough, I hear you x

The trouble is.

TG always has approached the whole caregiving shebang from the position that he is a responsible and humane person and a decent member of society. We look after our own, we adapt and cope, we do the right thing, we are practical and sensible, we are considerate of others, we are reasonable in our expectations.

His father, alas, on the other hand, is not a responsible or reasonable person and doesn't give a fig about those values. He isn't evil, he's what people who don't have to deal with him would call spontaneous, happy-go-lucky, easy-come-easy-go, the life and soul of the party. It isn't that he exactly *expects* TG to pay for his choices, it's more that he assumes that something (i.e. his excellent son) will turn up and lo and behold it always has.

For *years* his father has overspent and done a wide range of other daft things, and TG has always picked up the pieces. Picked them up and refrained from complaining or criticising to the point of bursting a blood vessel.

Petty? Mean? Bitter? Of course not. Worn out and ready to explode, I should think.

TG, I hope you come back and tell us what progress you've made.

I don't know who told you that yoi need to "cherish" this time. Maybe that's the problem. Caregiving is hard. It robs you of time, money and privacy, especially if you don't set the expectations clearly when the person moves in.

It sounds like Dad expects carte blanche.

When a parent moves in it's usually because they are really need of assistance, not able to live on his own. From what you said.... your dad is living on his own, except for small assistance and you are cheap housing. There is assisted living communities, where he can come & go as he pleases which his behavior is now. They have help in cleaning, laundry and meals. There is a difference of actual needing care and just needing or wanting "selective care ". He is in your house, your ground rules are to be followed or assisted living is your best option. My dad is 89 and very, very needed. I can relate of anger and bitterness. It's called exhaustion, overwhelming position more than a person can deal with especially when it feels like your dad really doesn't need "care".

NO you are most certainly not being mean or petty. If your father is mentally able then make a list, sit him down and TELL him that in YOUR house these are the rules - he has his room and that is where he stays, apart from the bath room and having his meals. Then book a carer for an hour a day to some in and help with personal care. If he doesn't like that then take him to A&E with his suitcase and drop him off, let the state sort it out.
Is that being a bit hard - yes of course it is, but if it cannot be two way then it has to be solved in a way that gets your sanity and health protected. You are being used /abused and too many of us put up with this. Cherish these years - doesn't sound like you are doing much of that, nor that you will have good memories. He had his life to make arrangements for his care, if there is no money now then he will have to take what the state will provide. Your post may be a rant - good it gets things off your chest - but the situation is bad for you and if you become unable to cope then there will be no one. SO either he abides by some limits and you don't feel guilty about them, or you hand him over to the state and don't feel guilty about that. We may care for our parents but we do not owe them a cushy life at a cost to our own heath, mental and physical.

I totally feel the same towards my mom. She moved into my house 4 years ago. She’s become more deceiving & she knows how to push my buttons. Also she has sundowners. After it gets dark ; usually after 6 pm - she becomes more aggressive towards me. She is somewhat calm towards my husband. She wanders all night -doesn’t sleep. We’ve had to tie bells to every door handle, hubby added door locks up high to the doors that lead to outside. For peace of mind, we have to block off the kitchen area. As my mom would wander into the kitchen & raid the fridge, leave the fridge door open, freezer door too. She also had put stuff to heat up in microwave ( she burned up 2 microwaves) also she would turn on the stove . So we needed to block off the kitchen area . It has given us some peace of mind. I take the night shift because my hubby works & he gets up @ 4:30 am. So I want him to get as much sleep as he can. Since March of 2021, I’ve had to quit my part time job, I worked at night-as I had to be home with my mom during the day. I decided to quit my night job because I didn’t want to put my husband in harms way or heaven forbid-my mom would call 911 or yell or throw things. My fear that she might break a window. I had to make sure my husband was protected from falsely doing anything wrong. When I was at work,I found myself worrying & stressed that something was happening at home. My husband is a gem with her, he actually has more patience with her than I do. But these last few years, my mom has depleted my health & has taken away the quality of my life & being with my hubby. We are both 50, our 3 sons are young adults now & we have our first & only grandbaby. A grandson-he’s 4 years old now. In our house we had a bedroom for my grandson, all his toys & bed. When he would visit he knew he had his own room. Well we had to put my mom in that room & the other bedroom became my grandson’s playroom. It’s overwhelming, having to care for her 24:7, clean up after her when she goes to the bathroom. She is starting to have odd behaviors. Every day & night it’s something new. We might have 1 or 2 good nights that she doesn’t wander. She is still awake ; yelling in her room, playing with things in her room. I’ve had to take her tv remote at night -she would turn up the volume. At night she likes to put on as many Items of clothes she can find. I honestly don’t even want to be around her more than I have to -it makes me sad to feel this way towards her. Her social worker & mine both told me ,that she sees me more like a caregiver/maid than a daughter. So they both reassure me to just take it one hour at a time & the best thing ( for my health & sanity) is to get her placed into an assisted living facility. So I can regain being her daughter.
I find myself feeling guilty for not feeling guilty. I love my mom, but I am starting to feel resentful & annoyed.
Being a caregiver for our parents is by far the hardest thing ever !!!!
Kudos to us all!!
🥰😎🍀🦋🐞🌸🌞🌕☄️💥

tgengine - I'd say it's about time your own inner self is fight back.

I've read many post from you in the past, and I am sorry to say but I always get the image of you being a doormat for your dad because you always defended his abuse, and put up with his taking advantage of you and your family. No, I am not calling you a doormat. I just get that image in my head. That's all I'm saying.

So, after 8 long years, it's about time you get angry!

Yes I know this really tough. Last week I was really bitter. I know what you mean I have no joy. No friends left to go to lunch or something or to a movie. I quickly realized I was making it worse for myself. Now, trying to change my attitude.

Also can you apply for medicade? There are care centers that will accept Medicaid.

You sound like you burned out a while back & have been unable to have time for yourself. You can have your dad or help your dad apply for Medicaid so that he can get out of your house to somewhere where they can provide for him. Then visiting him would provide the contact that you need without all the stress, caregiving, loss of pleasure , loss of your life & finances. What you failed to do was realize what you would be giving up by moving dad in. Sounds like getting respite care from family has not been discussed either. Helping your dad move out would give you back some of the pleasures that you have missed out on.

tgengine: Imho, you should not be using your financials on your father's care. Oh, my - in addition, you are way past burn out. Your health is going to be dramatically affected in a bad way if this dynamic is not amended by your father seeking facility living.

You seem very burned out!

it is not a rant it is reality. If there is no money, what about the Medicaid spend down and putting him in an adult family home?
Since you took this in several years ago, I am assuming you have not had a good person/ safe person that you could be truly honest with. You and your spouse need to make hard decisions for the future as yu are clearly not caring enough for yourself, or to put it positive, you need your time back and you are tired of doing this. If no family members have come to offer any help, I doubt they will for the future. I was going to suggest care giving, but if you don’t have money then there is no money for that.

I would look into putting into a Adult Family Home that accepts Medicaid. It is not selfish, you just cannot handle this anymore and that is ok. It is not ok to see and hear you so burned out because the. your health is at risk.

Bottom line, you need to take care of yourself and you need to have some support which I don’t know if he has Dementia or anything like that but there are several public agencies that can assist you to getting your father to a group home and that will be paid by the State and then you can claim your life back. That is NOT SELFISH, it is for your SURVIVAL.

Sorry you are dealing with this. I got very burned out and snippy after much less time with my Mom with Alzheimers I am ashamed to say. We just placed her in memory care but when the money runs out we will apply for her medicaid and switch to a nursing home. The first week and a half after placing her have been horrible but I pray and hope that after she adjusts we can go back to mother daughter and enjoy our time together. You would probably get this relationship back with your Dad if you weren't so burned out caring for him. It is hard on our health and marriages.

How old is he? If he doesn’t have any property or money over 2,000, Medicaid would pay for his nursing home.
Why don’t you stand up for yourself. If he doesn’t like it, he can move out.

I apologize I have not read the replies as yet.

The "mean & bitter" feelings - I'd call that *resentment*.

What do you think it is trying to tell you?

As far as senior health goes, the more that Dad needs doctor visits and hospitalizations and surgeries or maybe cancer, the more needs will arise as to basic bathing, toileting, feeding and dressing.

It is virtually certain he will face one or more of the above in the coming years. Any guilt you feel now will only be compounded if you stay in this situation. To many elders, the hosp trips, the doctor's visits, the setup of durable equipment might not matter as much as, well, can you drive me to the Lodge? Can you stay up to wheel me in after my date? Run around with me in search of my favorite hot dog? Remember when you were a kid and we...

Yeah, you're already increasingly snapping with the non-optional things, and that's when they tend to escalate performative requests designed to elicit sympathy or nostalgia in the caregiver, while really, the caregiver is just exhausted from the harder parts of it that they won't get credit for. He's already doing it to you, and again, THIS WILL ESCALATE.

Do something about it now. If he has assets, he has options with them. If not, he still has options to be placed through Medicaid. Those are his options.


He knew what he was going into when he had a kid, you. Completely made on his part.

That doesn't mean that you now involuntarily have to give up your life now for as long as he lives. Or for that matter, as long as you do.