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Midkid- just want to say so sorry about the loss of your mom.
Many times your articulate thoughtful words on this forum have been of comfort to me.
I wish you peace and comfort.
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Thanks again--you wonderful people!

I am already on antidepressants and antianxiety meds--in fact, my psychiatrist had just begun making me taper off the anti anxiety meds and when I needed them most--I had to be the most scrupulous in taking them.

Took a long drive today to see the mountains in full Fall glory with Dh and we were able to talk--he wasn't working! Then we stopped for a wonderful dinner at an out of the way café and it was fabulous.

I think my sleepathon yesterday kind of scared him. He KNOWS he should step up and be kinder, but it's just not in his nature, and as I posted before, he hadn't even SEEN mom in years, so to him, nothing has changed. I'm NOT a crier, so when I do, he just falls to pieces, so I tend to withdraw when I'm down. Probably not the best way to handle this, but it's me.

Part of what is hanging on is this: I was super close to my dad, and when he died, I actually felt CLOSER to him, like his spirit was now free from his sick, worn body. I have felt close to him when I needed that boost.

Since mom died, I have felt absolutely nothing. I guess I expected to have the same 'after death' relationship with her, and maybe, eventually I will. Just not today and probably not tomorrow.

I do have an appt with my therapist and I know she will help me. Also, now I have no caregiving worries with mom, I can focus a little on myself and the things I like to do. I have come to realize that although I didn't THINK I was doing much to help--I really was, and I can't say I will miss it, but I can say it is a change and I don't do change well.

Some days are fine and some days are exhausting to keep up the 'front'. None of my kids were close to mom, so they also don't feel any sense of loss. She never even MET the raccoon and that is a tragedy, he's so charming and destructive. Her choice, not mine, but I do grieve for her not wanting to have the greats in her life.

I guess it's little griefs like that, that keep popping in my head. I am virtually alone in this loss. Haven't talked to anyone but YB who has kept me apprised of the disposition of mom's will.

I don't want my nuclear family to fracture--but I think it will. Honestly, it really is up to me. OS and YS don't care and the boys are boys...kind of clueless and honestly, YB who cared for mom needs a vacation! I'm hoping the influx of $$ will help him heal. Guess we'll see!
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Llamalover47 Oct 2022
Midkid58: You're very welcome.
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Ah, me again.

I called my OS to say 'hi' and check in with her, as she had taken her entire family on a 10 day Carribean cruise and I wanted to see how it went. (I call HER, she never calls me--too busy).

I mentioned to her that I was feeling kind of blue and also how mom had laid the responsibility on me to keep us sibs and our families close once she was gone.

I hear a deep sigh on the other end of the phone. Sis replies "Look, I have my hands full with my kids and grandkids. I don't WANT to try to organize ANYTHING EVER with the family, If it happens, it happens. You'll burn yourself up trying to make us do what nobody wants to do. Don't bother trying to include us."

OK. Don't mince words, sis.

Only took 7 weeks for the family to break off into pieces. Oh well. I'm not surprised, but I am sad.
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Llamalover47 Oct 2022
Midkid58: That was rich = your sister's discourse.
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midkid - when someone passes, which is the primary loss, there are secondary losses too. It is not unusual for families to fracture after a death. Knowing that doesn't make it any less painful, I realize. I am sorry that you got brushed off by your OS. I am sorry that your family, for the most part, is not there to support you. Grief is a lonely business. (((((((hugs))))))
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"You'll burn yourself up trying to make us do what nobody wants to do."

Yes, OS was harsh. But boy was she right. She knows she can't stop you trying but she has given you an absolute directive that you are not to try on her account.

And why are you trying to do this impossible thing? Because your mother laid it on you as a responsibility.

Your mother died less than two months ago after 92 years on the planet, and you would not be normal if you did not feel the loss. Only, as we hope she is resting in peace, perhaps we can hope that you can find peace too?

By the way - bollocks to giving up any inheritance that your complicated mother all the same did leave to you. Don't be sentimental. At least put it by and think it through for, say, 12 months. YB made his own choices and at the moment you're forgetting how unpleasant some of them were for you.
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Midkid58 Oct 2022
I get why you think I shouldn't give my part of the inheritance to YB, but I'm still going to do it. I don't need it, he does. He gave up so much of his life and never thought he'd be doing all that he did for mom for so long. What's $10K in the grand scheme of things? It won't make a shred of difference to us, but it will help YB a lot.

Now mom is gone, he can focus on his own health (which is terrible). He's needed a knee replacement and has put it off for years b/c he felt he couldn't take the 6+ weeks to recoup. (He could have, mom just leaned on him so much.)
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When did your mother lay the responsibility on you to keep your family close?

You were close to your father. Did he know about the abuse from your older brother?

Do you think OS is correct that no one wants to maintain relationships? Did she perhaps lay it on you because she knew no one else cared?
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Midkid58 Oct 2022
Mom brought the 'keep the family together' thing up all the time, and in the week before she died.

I promised her I would 'try' but she knew how hard that it is to do.

I'm at peace with the fact that I cannot make miracles happen.
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(((((((mid))))) You can't fix the family. It's broken and has been for a long time. Concentrate on the things and people in your life that work for you... and...grieve your losses. I know it is painful.

I'm happy for you that you had a good time with hub.
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Midkid, I agree with what others have said. Your OS was harsh but it sounds like she said it in no uncertain terms.

Like Maya Angelou said. "When someone shows you who they are, believe them"

While trying to keep the family together is a wonderful thought I think you should just concentrate on what you can control.
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golden23 Nov 2022
@lilmelba -OS = oldest sister
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Thanks again--I have really appreciated the comments everyone has made. It has helped me to step outside my own pain and see that it's time to focus on MY family and not fuss my nuclear one.

I have heard that quote by Maya Angelou and it is lovely and apt. I sure can't control my family, so I will cease even trying.
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Llamalover47 Oct 2022
Midkid58: You're welcome.
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Grief is grief and to be honored. It is how you feel.
It is a loss with another layer of a loss.
I would have been stunned and angry too - mixed in with grief. I understand that you feel lost now. Give yourself as much time to heal as you need . . . be in the present; do not judge your feelings. Acknowledge them.
Take care of yourself with loving kindness.
For me, forgiving the behavior of another helps me release the negativity / anger I hold. It doesn't do anything necessarily for the other person. You need to do what will support you to heal.

It isn't a matter of getting over it; it is a process of healing through it.

And, there are NO 'shoulds.' If you self-talk like this, take a step back and realize you feel as you feel. He did what he did. (And, yes, he shouldn't have done what he did... and this is about you and your feelings.).

Gena Galenski
Touch Matters
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Time is passing and I can see a 'change' in my mindset. We still haven't got the estate completely done (YB is Executor and he doesn't share much info with the rest of us.) I will feel better when it's all been put to bed, so to speak.

Went to YB's home where mother lived to get some things that were too large to fit in my car, and found out that YB had simply thrown them away. It was actually something I WANTED, as opposed to the things that I took, simply b/c nobody else wanted them and I have already donated them to GoodWill.

My YB is not doing well, emotionally, and I reached out to him to ask him where these things were (he KNEW, without question) that these were things I wanted, and I simply had to have all of my car's small backseat to fit this in. He said "You never came and got them so I threw them away." I said "You could have TEXTED me to come and get them." I had heart surgery right after mom's death and I have been recovering from that. Wasn't allowed to lift anything over 5 lbs and this was pretty heavy.

I did cry over this, it was just a 'thing' but I wanted it and he knew it. Sometimes he is such a jerk. He needs therapy like, for the last 40 years, but he's one of those 'I'm great, you're the problem' kind of guys.

BTW, he STILL has not rehomed mom's gross birds which caused a household completely filled with moths. He's so lazy in some regards and so hyper in others. He never will do it, I know.

Stuff like this will come up. I am feeling better, as a general rule and hope that each day brings more joy. I've been massively depressed and having to push myself through every day. I know that's normal, but it stinks.
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Tynagh Nov 2022
Glad you're feeling better all around and that the heart surgery went well. IDK about your brother, but my friend's brother did something similar when cleaning out their parents' home. He tossed stuff he knew she wanted. Maybe it's a brother thing? Maybe it's a "guy" thing? They figure, "oh you didn't really want this stuff, you were being sentimental?" I'm an only so I have not a clue about sibling dynamics...but it struck a chord when you said he had tossed stuff away. BE WELL!!!
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“Bluesy-blue” makes it sound like you’re having a rainy Monday.

You’re grieving, a little shocked, and stressed out. These are legit issues and serious as any medical problems.
It’s nothing to trivialize.

Also, it’s crappy that your husband was so unsupportive.
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Yeah, I know.

He has no feelings for his own mother and was not close to mine by any stretch of the imagination. He had not even SEEN her for over 4 years, so her death did not even resonate with him. He thinks I need to be 100% 'fine' all the time. Just cannot deal with me being human. It's not new and so when people comment on the lack of support, I am always taken aback. It's just how he is.

Then he'll suddenly realize why I am a little sad, or down and he tries to compensate. He just really got screwed in the parental department--his own mom is a witch and was extremely abusive to him. Doesn't matter that he's over 70--she still makes him feel about 2 years old. He is really 'afraid' of my emotions, TBH. And I am generally a calm person and ask nothing of him. (This was what the takeaway from marriage counseling)

My neighbors of 4 months! have been far more kind and thoughtful to me than he has been. It's nice of them and I appreciate it a lot.
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Mid,
I’m sorry that your brother threw away the item he knew you wanted. You deserve better.

You had HEART SURGERY, for goodness’ sake! I’d like to give him a smack, for being so unthoughtful of you.
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(((((((hugs))))) mid. I'm sorry. YB is not handling things well, but that is no surprise is it? The birds stay??? I hope he takes more care of them than your mum did.

Yes, you deserve better. 💛
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sp19690 Nov 2022
Doubtful since he did nothing to help those birds while mom was alive and let mom mistreat and neglect them. It is animal abuse and continues to be animal abuse. YB has psychological problems.
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Midkid58: So sorry about that.
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True--shame on him, but I understand his thinking process. He NEEDS to remove all evidence of mom's life with them--and he is struggling a lot. He will never rehome those gross birds and yes, it's tantamount to animal abuse, but I can't care. The items he had were actually things he had brought to HIS house from MY old house while we were moving. (His son bought our home and kind of 'pushed us' out--they wanted to get into the house as quickly as possible, so YB took some stuff to store at his house (without my knowledge.)

It's gone, and it is what it is. Funny, I have very few things I feel sentimental about, but this was something I had made and had in my flower garden for about 15 years. Concrete hand poured 'poetry stones'. It took forever to make them and they were definitely one of a kind. I still have the templates and such with which to make new ones--but it's not the same.

I'll forgive him. Gotta remember not to trust him, though.

The poem went like this:
"The way a crow shook down on me
A dust of snow, from a hemlock tree
Has given my heart a change of mood
And saved some part of a day
I had rued".
Robert Frost

All my grands miss it from the old house. They loved it.

Ah well--life goes on and I have to deal with it.
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