Is spending the night in memory care good or bad?

Have you discussed it with the staff? Does she have a sleep disorder? Most of the people that I know who have significant dementia take a sleep aid. Have you discussed it with her doctor?

Do you get much rest staying in the MC every night? I'd consider if it's really something that is bringing you down or benefiting her. I'd think that you might be more rested and able to assist her in the day, if you are fully resting at night.

Are you there during the day as well as overnight? If you are them I'm wondering why you feel there is any benefit in having her in memory care at all, if it is simply a matter of meals and moderate assistance then that can all be provided at home.

As for her caregivers - I'm surprised that the facility is so tolerant of you since you are basically living there without paying rent, so perhaps they will mention something after the initial adjustment period.

That is sweet. Does it benefit her. Does she sleep better knowing you are there? If it helps her, the staff may actually appreciate it. I would ask the nite nurse.

Well, it's kind of backward to the way most people do it but if it works for you and the facility doesn't mind then why not? I can see the benefit of having many hands to help her during the day, plus it gives you the opportunity to pursue your interests.

Thanks for your answer. Staff doesn't mind. And she does take a sleep aid. But the time between dinner and bed time is when she experiences the most confusion and fear, if not terror. I hate the thought of her going through that time alone. I think I could leave after she has gone to bed and she might do just fine sleeping alone. I generally get a good nights sleep, but there is a definite hangover. Sometimes I can't do anything during the day but stare at the tv, but after a days rest at home I can get with it. I'm going to try coming home after she goes to bed and see how that goes.

It doesn't seem like this could be hurting your wife. It's so sweet that you can do this for her. Sounds very helpful for you to be there during the sundown period.

I would just caution against making this a habit that you would feel guilty about if you could not make it, due to whatever reason. If she and the staff become dependent on you sleeping there every night, could be setting up a problem.

Oh my, you are SO SWEET!

You are being loving and kind and beyond....I have no advice, I just think your wife is really lucky to have you. A hubby who is CHOOSING to spend his nights in a MC facility to be with his wife. I personally, cannot fathom that.

God bless you!

Is she on any kind of meds for anxiety? My mom was put on seraquel at one nursing facility she was in because she was having behavioral issues. Sequel isn't for anxiety though. She used to be so hateful to me and threaten me but that behavior pretty much stopped after going on the seraquel. My mom has dementia. They put her on Xanax to help her sleep.

I commend you for being so faithful to your wife! My dad is in memory care and my mom has really no concern for him and refuses to be involved with his care. It is heartbreaking. They have been married for 55 years.

I think you should get her used to the place without you. So first maybe stay till she falls asleep & then leave! You need sleep too. She’s not going to remember that you were there five minutes after you leave, but she’ll probably be calmer. You can’t keep this up unless you want to end up having to be there instead of it being a choice. Hugs 🤗

Also, I forgot to advise...the staff there will expect that you will be the one who’s going to change her diaper & wash her up before bedtime & also diaper change during night. They will depend on you to do the dirty work even though you’re paying for them to do it.

As long as the care facilitie doesn't mind and you sleep good, there's nothing wrong with it. If your not sleeping well that could effect your health, then you might want your own bed. I understand, you feel better with your wife. Being married a long time and being used to being in the same place for many years is hard to change.

I work with seniors in their home and find it difficult to find good care givers 24/7. Bed space is getting Limited in nursing home skilled care facilities because so many baby boomers are needing help now . I have worked with a husband and wife they both had Alzheimer's, been there home and had Around the Clock care. They had one caregiver that lived there and took care of their needs overnight. Other caregiver came in on 4 to 8 hour shifts they went through an agency for the part-timers. Part-time care is difficult to staff even though they went through an agency. There is such a high turnover in senior care now and I feel you're blessed. A lot of facilities will not allow you to spend the night. I agree that the staff will depend on you. Do what works best for you and your wife but not wear yourself down.

I am glad you asked this question. I do the same with my mom. Not every night but many. The caregivers are not great and I found her on the floor last week at 4 am. I’ve been sleeping here since then.
I agree that it must be something that is more important for your peace of mind. If your well-being begins to suffer, it may be time to take a few nights for yourself and slowly transition to fewer.

It sounds like your wife has sun-downing, as many people with Alzheimer's/Dementia do. It is so loving of you to spend that time with her so she isn't alone. I've seen in other answers that you're going to see how she does if you leave after she falls asleep. That's a really good idea. It's so difficulty to watch someone you love going through this. But it's really important that you find a balance for yourself. You mention "playing God" or failing to accept reality. I'd venture to guess that it's more guilt than anything else. You also said you sometimes have no interests. Could you have depression?

You wonder if having your wife at home with caregiver would be better for her. Would it be better for you? You said you moved her to this community to make life easier for you - which leads me to think she needs a significant amount of care and/or supervision. When you bring that home there is never a break, even with a 24-hour caregiver. And then there is the constant coordination of caregiver schedules, etc. If you were to bring her home and it didn't work out, the multiple changes in environment could really impact her if she had to return to a community living facility.

Go with a trial to see how she does during the night with supervision by staff after you've spent the earlier part of the evening with her and get her to bed.

Do what you feel you are called to do.

And care for yourself....truly, care for yourself.

You mentioned you spend the night with her because "for me, this seems like the right thing to do." You are certainly a dedicated husband.

I can understand staying with her during the "sundowning" part of the evening. I'm sure it's a comfort to both of you. You haven't slept apart for possibly many decades. I'm sure sleeping without her feels very lonely and strange.

She takes a sleeping pill at bedtime. Does she sleep through the night? If not, I'm sure you are up with her and not getting a good nights sleep yourself. Would you consider hiring a private duty aide to be with her 2-3 nights a week so you can sleep at home and not worry?

If she sleeps through the night, is the reason you stay because you worried about the night time care (less staff at night means less attention)? If she sleeps through the night, what compels you to be there?
You would physically get a better sleep at home in your own bed. But, if your mind won't "rest" being away from her at night, then you're not resting well anyway. You will only be comfortable if you are doing what your mind, heart and gut is telling you to do.

Do you have someone to talk with as you go through this struggle? A pastor or close friend? Do you have family members that could stay with her during the sundowning period sometimes to give you a break? If available, I think it's time to ask for help.

I know that you two have been a couple for many years and it sounds like you are very devoted to your wife. But remember, you still need to care for yourself too. You DON'T have Alzheimer's and your life must go on. Do not feel guilty for enjoying life away from your wife. You must cultivate and nurture YOU also so you can stay vibrant for her. All work and no play makes one dull. Stay sharp and engage in things that bring you pleasure. SHE will benefit from your active life! It has to equal out or you will burn out.

God bless you for the love and devotion you are giving your wife. I wish all husbands would be as concerned. 🙏🏼

Thank you for asking this question. It is so hard to find a solution that works for a couple in this situation - it seems most people in my mom's memory care unit are widowed, and the choices (as a caregiver) you would make for a parent feel different because you are one step removed, and were never their intimate partner. There is some really good advice on this thread already, by people much more qualified and knowledgeable than me, and I am glad you reached out. My heart goes out to you. I wish there were more resources geared toward couples where partners have differing needs. Just make the decision that is best for the moment and reassure yourself that you are doing the best that you can to take care of both her and you.

If it helps at all to hear that others are in a similar situation -

In our case, my mom has dementia; my Dad has Parkinson's, but is mentally OK. But he was so exhausted being her fulltime caregiver it was really affecting his health. Currently, she is in memory care, and he lives with my brother's family (so Dad can afford memory care at a really nice place, plus he needs the companionship). He does the opposite as you for now, goes in about 10am and spends a good part of the day with her, either taking a walk, going out to lunch (she is slow but still mobile), or just sitting on her couch watching TV and holding her hand. He try's to stick to the routine - she does not do well with change - so around 3:30 he reminds her he needs to let the dogs out at home, gives her a kiss, and leaves. He tried staying one night when she was having a hard time, but I think it was harder on him then on her. The staff says she naps and wanders through the night, often ending up on the chair opposite the entry door, waiting for Dad to come back. It is sad, but he has to have sleep for his own health.

Every month or two, he and I talk through the "what if's" and alternatives, but never come up with a better solution for THIS moment and THIS point in each of their health journey's. We talk about bringing her out of memory care, and hiring help, but like you say, the cost is similar and the level of work involved in managing is tremendous. We also think she is so dependent on Dad at the moment (if she can see him, he MUST be at her side) that it would be difficult to have another caregiver if Dad was still in the same house. We've consider him living in the independent area of the same complex, but the cost of two households is prohibitive. If his driving skills deteriorate, we may reconsider this. If he did move into independent or assisted, he would prefer a more nature-connected facility, but we picked the place she is in because it fits HER needs, not his. If he were to develop dementia symptoms as well, he would consider moving in with her, but he does not want to live behind a locked door right now. Usually, we end the conversations with a sigh, and an acknowledgement that this is the best, for now.

So, if it is working for you both to stay the night - for now - stay, but continue to talk about your situation with your loved ones or those you trust, and don't be afraid to chose a new routine that will work better for your needs when you are ready. With time, she will adjust, as long as you are consistent and remind her gently what the new routine is.

My heart goes out to you.

Everyone should be as lucky to have someone as caring as you. Don't waste time worrying about it or what others think...do what is right for you.

When do you get your break? You should let the staff do their job. If you don’t trust them find another facility.

Through sickness...
This is true love!
Blessings
hgn

I just have to say that you’re doing a great job! You obviously love your wife very much. How many years have you two been married?
I wish my dad’s wife were as loving to my Alzheimer’s father. She filed for divorce when he started showing signs of Alzheimer’s. She moved out of state when he was in the hospital having a major surgery. I just don’t understand. I could never do that. It breaks my heart. It’s been very painful seeing how much she has hurt him emotionally and financially and has used his disease to take advantage of him with no regard for anyone but herself. I just can’t understand how she could abandon him and leave all the messes the two of them created throughout their 43 yrs of marriage on me and just keep taking. She continues to want more and more and more. It’s been a huge job for my husband and I to manage not only my dad’s care, finances, close his business, etc but to navigate the divorce on top of all that. However, I love my dad unconditionally and know that with me, he is receiving the best care possible and that he is no longer being taken advantage of by her or anyone else.
Back to you and your wife, I would say do whatever feels right for you and your wife at the moment. If you worry that she doesn’t want you there, just ask her. She may or may not be able to verbalize, but it’s worth a try. You may be surprised at what she says. Another very important thing to consider is your health. Do whatever it takes to be well so that you’re available for her. Remember, all of the reasons you helped her get into memory care in the first place and remember the disease only progresses.
Bless your heart.

I find it is Helpful and very Compassionate when a Loved One takes this sort of Interest in someone who has to be in a Personal Care facility.

I have a similar concern. My 93-year-old mother-in-law is in early stages of dementia but rapidly declining. She is now a resident of a wonderful assisted living facility that has exceptional care, activities, and adapted facilities. They also have a rule that a resident should not have guests for more than three nights a month. However, her daughter does not think this rule applies to her and she has practically moved into the second bedroom, staying two weeks each month. She adores her mother, but when she is there she takes over and does everything for her, limiting the time she goes to the community dining room and very few of the activities which I feel would have made my mother-in-law feel comfortable and at home. And when the daughter leaves, my mother-in-law feels lost all over again, complaining she has no friends and there is nothing to do.
I understand this is a story of too much love, and as an in-law, I am not at all comfortable about making my feelings known. Is there any solution?

Thanks to all of you for taking the time to think this over and post a reply. You have given me exactly what I was looking for, informed input from loving people with experience. I must be off but I will be going over all replies and responding.

My dad would let mom be on her own in memory care all morning until 2 or so in the afternoon. Mornings were baths, hairdresser, breakfast, and social hour. Dad would go at 3 until 4:30 when it was time for supper. He would walk her to the table and sit her with her friends and tell her he had some running to do and he would be back. He always went back at 6;30 after his supper and sat with her until he put her to bed every night. He would sit in a chair next to her until she fell asleep and then he would quietly leave. Same routine every day for 1 1/2 years. The staff adored him because he treated them all like family and he was able to be with mom and yet take care of things at home and get a good nights sleep in his own bed. No matter what, it was clear that he adored and loved my mom as it is clear you adore and love your wife.

Reading through these replies, I feel moved to acknowledge the absolute LOVE, but also consideration of practicalities for all concerned. It is encouraging to see there are still people out there who honour, love and respect. So many of our elderly are handed over to care facilities and families make a fleeting token gesture of time with their loved ones. Well done everyone, who has a real heart of love but can somehow balance life. Blessings

My father would love nothing better than to have me stay over every night in memory care. I have made the effort to get to know the community of other residents, their families, and the staff so that they are comfortable interacting with me and with my father. I am comfortable with him in their care, but there is no substitute for family.

My parents have been together for 63 years. My mother is in mid stage dementia and they are in AL together right now, with quite a lot of added services to help Dad out... it's way too much for him at 87. But if she has to transfer to MC, I think he will transfer with her even though he would not need to. They both have a hard time sleeping apart, especially him.

While it's kind of you to consider the staff and if it's healthy or not, I think ultimately it is what is best for you and your wife that should be considered. It sounds like you are still in your own home, and that complicates it I'd think. I'm so glad that my parents have been able to 'move together' thus far.

I'm not convinced that Dad going to MC with Mom would be the best for him, but he is adamant that a) it's his duty to be there for her emotionally and as company and comfort even if he can't do the physical care giving and b) he has no interest in living without her and sleeping alone. I will honor that, I hope my brother will...

Do what you think feels right, but as others have said, perhaps go home to sleep often enough so that once one of you passes the other will not have as difficult an adjustment. It will be partly adjusted to...

Much love and admiration sent your way for being the honorable husband.

Y

Do what is best for you AND your wife, e.g. if you cease staying there at night, is she going to mind/notice/be upset? I offer you bible scripture as below---
“Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you until all the work for the service of the temple of the Lord is finished.” —1 Chronicles 28:20