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If I were in your shoes:

If I wanted or felt compelled to do her hair, I would tell her no more complaining and she has to say something nice at the end or I will not do it anymore. Remind of her the rules when you are doing it if she needs it.

I would also tell her that I can't take her negativity - it is too wearing on you and that you love her, you have a husband/family/house to care for and need your energy. Lessen your calls and visits if she is not responsive. It is OK to see her/talk to her once a week. I bet that's still more than most people do.

I would talk to her doctor about getting her on anti-depressants. Many times complaints and negativity are a result of depression, and getting old is difficult.

Good luck!
Helpful Answer (31)
Reply to Doggirl
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Sometimes, I feel like I am starting to sound just like her and I definitely do not want that. That is why I need to get away from her.
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Reply to jeweltone
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Thank you. It is very hard to separate her actions now from the "real" her because they are almost the same person. The only difference now is she is always unhappy and negative. My husband says she was always that way, but my mom used to find a few moments to laugh or tell funny jokes. Now, EVERYTHING is terrible to her. I do mean ALL the time. She was always mean, hateful and full of self--narcissistic. But now I see it truly is all the time. I always dread it when I need to go wash and fix her hair. She expects it, but yet hates how I do it. I have offered for her to let someone else do it, but of course not.
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Reply to jeweltone
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Yes, it is normal to have those feelings. You are not alone. Even though you know that it is the dementia causing the problems, it is hard to separate that from the way your mother used to be. Try not to let guilt enter the picture. You have a family to raise and your own life to live. You are still taking care of your mother even though she is not with you.
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Reply to Nansacola
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