Is it normal she's so negative?

Question

Is it normal she's so negative?

Follow

Share

1K Answers

nanotorand, who are you referring to? Who shouldn’t have access on here? This goes back to 2014 and has 1,300 answers on it. I don’t want to sift threw them all. What are you taking about?

Helpful Answer (2)

Reply to elaine1962

Report

NanatoRandS was referring to Riley2166. (Back in Oct-Dec 2019). IMO Riley2166 has every right to be here. These calls for censorship really burn me up. Riley2166 was making a point that elicited conversation and thought. You can agree or disagree with their opinion. Stop calling for cancellation of people that don't agree with you.

(4)

Report

This is so similar to my issues with my Mom. I too am an only child and Mom placed in Assisted Living 2 months ago. She was so angry that I only visited her twice in the first two months. She tells me how horrible it is there, how the food is terrible. Then when I talk to the Facility Director, she says Mom has made a couple of new friends, is eating well, taking her meds and is adjusting nicely. She just tells me it is horrible, but really she is being taken care of. Do not feel guilty. I need peace too. After a horrible journey the past 2 1/2 years with my Mom being scammed out of $80,000 by an overseas man that she thinks is in love with her, and all of the lies she told to cover it up, I'm ready for time with my wife and kids. We are going to visit the day after Christmas, so as not to have to deal with her negativity on Christmas.

Helpful Answer (7)

Reply to ctccbc

Report

Why are you feeling guilty? For what? For your mother's horrible behavior? I don't care if she has dementia or not - her behavior and attitude are harming you and will potentially destroy you and you do NOT deserve that. There are people like this and there is only ONE solution - remove yourself from them and do NOT spend time with them no matter what. The woman is safe and is being cared for and the people there are paid to do their jobs. Let them take care of her. Call once or twice a week and the minute she gets "negative", either change the subject and if that does not work, just excuse yourself to "answer the door" or "I have a visitor....have to go" and HANG UP. Do NOT subject yourself to this - it will harm you if you let it continue, She is not normal - you are and have every right and reason to resent her behavior.

Helpful Answer (12)

Reply to Riley2166

Report

Yes it is all normal. Shes probably feeling loss of independence. That would change anyone's personality and cause some to be negative. Having dementia makes it all even worse. I know with all that happened to my moms health and having dementia, she has changed. My mom also moved. Lost my Dad a year ago. Its so hard to see them change. once
positive people now negative is hard for us to fathom. I have to remind myself that it isnt easy for them. They probably dont realize whats happened as they cognitively declined. I can understand how you feel about not wanting to visit her. Me also sometimes. Myself, I feel and think of how much I love her and how unhappy she is and how alone she would feel if I didnt visit her. Its sad I know I feel for you. They need to complain to us as they want us to feel there pain and scared of what is happening to them especially when they cant remember and wonder why they cant. Hang in there. Take care of you

Helpful Answer (6)

Reply to Lily8467

Report

But we can only be responsible for our own happiness. We can do everything right, do everything they ask of us, and then they lay into us with nasty, negative words that feels like they cut to the bone. Everyone is responsible for their own happiness…….take care of you and your new husband. Those should be your priorities now.

(4)

Report

Thank you Shell38314

Helpful Answer (0)

Reply to elaine1962

Report

Sounds like my mom, negativity, stubbornness, paranoia. She’s in a good facility and has even made friends with some of the fellow residents. The contempt and rudeness is mainly for myself and main caregiver.

I know dementia probably has a lot to due with this unpleasantness. It’s
hard when she constantly calls me names and cruel for putting her in board/care. In my mom’s case memory is a big issue. I placed mom in a facility close to me very easy visits and outings, but for now I’ve decided to limit my visits to give her time to settle into new environment. As crazy as it sounds it’s comforting to know others are walking in my same shoes. Let’s stay strong for each other.

Helpful Answer (8)

Reply to Kitty19

Report

Negativity for mom gives her something to talk about. I honestly think they are horribly bored. The anxiety is what gets to me. So worried about everything!

Helpful Answer (5)

Reply to NeedHelpWithMom

Report

I read you post and that is how I think about my mom’s negativity. She used to be so independent and about 2 1/2 years ago, something started changing in her . Highly anxious about everything. She says all the time she hates everything. She says all the time she is miserable . She is . I tell her she is bored , lonely. Part of this big problem

(1)

Report

Will someone please, please explain to me this - when people get dementia and physical problems, I say you should help them as much as you can especially if you love them and vice versa and the relationship between you during the years was a good one. But here is what I simply cannot understand. When their bad behavior and verbal abuse, not to mention all kinds of other problems, becomes so bad that it affects both the caretaker and the caretaker's life and family, WHY ARE PEOPLE ALLOWING IT TO HAPPEN? If it cannot be stopped, and I doubt it can unless one gets very tough, something most people aren't capable of, you caretakers are feeling guilty, unhappy, depressed, exhausted, developing your own set of problems physically and mentally and everything is NOT going good, why are you doing this? There comes a time where you must be strong and recognize what is now and do something about it. That might mean removing them and putting them somewhere - but aren't you worth it? Don't you want a chance to live YOUR life while you still can? Are you willing to lose everything in life because of these people. God, I hope you don't feel that way. YOU deserve peace and a chance to live a normal life and if you can't have that with them in your presence, well, you know what you have to do. Be strong. In time you will learn you did the ONLY right thing to do given the circumstances.

Helpful Answer (20)

Reply to Riley2166

Report

..."because of these people"? "These people" are our parent's, grandparent's, siblings and spouses, our family and one day you and I may be one of "these people" so while I hear what you are saying about not loosing our lives to their disease's and don't disagree I have areal problem with the way you have dehumanized other's LO's here, at least that's the way it feels to me.

(9)

Report

See 4 more replies

It can be the dementia, it can be her anger at forgetting and being in a new place which confuses her. She thinks that you can move her if she complains to you.
My parent is that way just as her personality. everything is measured against her own likes and dislikes. Opinionated- not attractive and she has lost all her friends and other family from it. I protect myself and limit how often i see her.
So you know she is cared for there, she eats, then give yourself a break. Maybe less of an audience ( you) would cut down her verbal complaining?
Best wishes.

Helpful Answer (4)

Reply to DJ9876543

Report

I think that she's just unhappy being there. I don't think anyone would be happy moving into a nursing home. My father is going through that for the time being. I would visit her more often and if you can, take her out on outings (Lunch, shopping, visits with family members), Maybe that will be something that she can look forward to on a weekly basis, maybe the complaining won't be too bad afterwards. Make the visits complaint free: You don't need to be given a guilt trip for placing her in there or listen to her complain about everything under the sun. About the bathing and hygiene, I would inform her nurse or social worker about this. Maybe they can help.

Helpful Answer (0)

Reply to Anonymous1256

Report

This person you are describing could be my Mum. Although She has not got dementia, like yours she has always been a very negative person, and moaned but like yours found some lighter moments, but now all it is is negativity and constant moaning and rudeness towards me mainly, we cannot have a conversation because she doesn’t listen to what is being said, and will constantly cut people off and start talking over them, usually changing the conversation entirely. I would like to walk away and not see her, but then find myself feeling guilty for thinking this way. Don’t know if to sit her down and try and talk to her and find out why she is so angry with me or just ignore it. I have tried talking to my sister but she just takes my mums side and doesn’t want to know. Any advice from any one would be appreciated.

Helpful Answer (2)

Reply to Suszy666

Report

I got one of those- my mother. She has always been that way- has yours? It is a self-centered personality. It is not possible to talk her out of it. They are illogical. It is their way or anger. She hurts herself to be thankful she is still alive. Dont let her hurt you too.
Dont be guilty. She chose her attitude. She is an adult.
If she has changed from being nice to angry then have her evaluated for dementia. That is a sign. In that case you cant talk them out of it either. You have to release the parent you knew to a brain disease.

(6)

Report

See 1 more reply

My soon to be 96 yr old mother who’s in a nursing home going on 5 years gets really mean. I’ve learned( although it took awhile) to just say today’s not a good day to visit. I love you and will see you in a couple of days. At this point I’ve found a balance between my mental health and being there for her . It’s a constant struggle

Helpful Answer (16)

Reply to anonymous922165

Report

Yes I agree with you anonymous 922165!!

(2)

Report

This is so sad but YOU must be strong......you CANNOT AND MUST NOT ALLOW HER NEGATIVITY IN YOUR PRESENCE. I don't care why she is doing this to you, it has to stop at once. If you have done everything in your power to prevent this, medically, and otherwise, then you have to face the fact it is not going to stop, it will get worse and IT WILL DESTROY YOU if you don't get away from her. There is no reason on earth to feel guilty about not letting someone cause harm to you physically, emotionally, mentally, financially, etc. You MUST put her somewhere safe where she is cared for but it cannot be in your space. It will kill you and you will be miserable. Don't allow it.

Helpful Answer (18)

Reply to Riley2166

Report

So true. This is good advice. Get on with your life and visit her less.

(12)

Report

See 1 more reply

Glad I saw this topic. My mother always been a negative person but she had gotten worse over the years. She is now the type of person who sees life as every silver lining has a cloud. Nothing gets her laughing like those videos of people hurting themselves doing stunts or tricks. She has dementia, so she is very forgetful, but bad things lock in her mind and any good thing she is told she forgets in 5mins. I give her saint john's wort, a mild antidepressant, and it helps a bit. I want to talk to her doctor about a prescription antidepressant but so many actually can make symptoms worse in the elderly.

I myself take Celexa and Abilify. The Celexa helps with my depression from taking care of her 24/7 and the Abilify helps me get less irritated with her. Both have really helped. Sometimes you can't do much to help them but you can do things to help yourself.

Helpful Answer (5)

Reply to Silveron

Report

Helpful to know it's not just my mom that is becoming more negative and complaining a lot! If I hear one more complaint about: CVS, computers, the TV, business names, telemarketers, etc etc. ......

It's the same crap over and over and over. Oh, perhaps a slightly new twist on the same old tired out theme.

Negativity from others does really burst my bubble and bring me down very quickly.

I realize this is not an option for a person with dementia, but I read something about a grateful journal. I'm going to pull together more info and prompts and try to get her to do this and I'll do it too so we can, voluntarily, share our POSITIVE thoughts instead of the nearly constant complaining. So tiring.....

There really is comfort in knowing that my issues are the same issues others are having. Thanks to all for sharing!

Helpful Answer (12)

Reply to againx100

Report

Hi,

I really like your idea of the thankful journal. I have done that with my own special needs daughter and we are doing 99% better than last year.

My problem mom is very negative and doesn't want to do really anything except maybe be taken to the casino. It is a big chore as it takes both my sister and me to get her into the car, but the biggest issue is the toilet once we are there. The handicapped restroom only has grab bar on one side and the back. Mom needs sister to lift her rear off toilet and I hold walker steady in front for mom to hang onto since so decent close arms near toilet there. We have done this a couple times successfully. Mom called last night wanting to go again but chose the one day all month my husband is off and he said he wasn't going. I explained to mom that he could stay home but mom didn't like that answer.

The saga continues and today is another day of it. I will definitely try your idea though and even if Mom doesn't want to write something grateful, maybe I can can model doing it.

(2)

Report

See 1 more reply

That is my feeling 100% but guilt is a trip

Helpful Answer (1)

Reply to Nette2018

Report

It sounds to me as if she is clinically depressed.

Helpful Answer (3)

Reply to anonymous866059

Report

Yes. She refuses to see a psychiatrist. She still views mental health as "crazy". I think the stigma is still common in her age group. She is on an antidepressant. But, a pill by itself won't completely help clinical depression. I have it too.

The negative attitude has always been there.

Suggestions get slammed down without a second thought. That is the most frustrating part.

I have spent hundreds on items to help her boredom.

I got her a Netflix account and she refuses to use it.

I know about being kind and so on, but the frustration makes it hard.

(2)

Report

Yes very common complaint. I have learned loads on this site on dealing with negativity. It has taken a long time but I have made a few changes which made things more bearable. My 92 year old Father tried to guilt trip me into taking him out of care. He's in denial of how bad things were.
I refused to take part in any discussion about going home. Just left when it started. I don't ask anything and change subject when he complains. I stay positive and upbeat. Talk about TV programmes. The past and the other residents.
I still take deep breaths of energy before going in too.

Helpful Answer (9)

Reply to Patience13

Report

Be careful here. What I find happens is that we have a tendency to take on the other persons energy. If it is very negative that will bleed over into your personality. I have found that when I now approach my mother I take a few seconds and think about all things I am grateful for in my life first. Sort of like a good shot of a positive energy boost. Then mom can be negative all she wants. I have stopped letting her dictate to me what my emotions are going to be. I am currently caring for her with in home Hospice. I do understand that she at the age of 93 can not do the things she used to do and it must be very frustrating for her and I can empathize with that but I will not let it change me. Empathy yes, change my mood no. She has always been a negative person and that has just magnified 100 fold since she has become ill. I myself have always been very positive and I will remain that way. It took a while for me to accomplish this but with practice it can be done.

Helpful Answer (30)

Reply to zimco13

Report

Thats awesome! I needed that myself! so thanks very much zimco13. I'm overly empathetic,& you're right: it has caused me to absorb VERY bad energy from my mother. (I just didn't know what was happening!) Now that I understand, I can do better😀. God bless.

(12)

Report

See 3 more replies

Reading through these - there must be a lot of narcissistic mothers/fathers out there. My mother lives with me and I think she is getting worse about never being happy. Her birthday is coming up - she will be 92. I told her I took the day off to spend it with her and she retorted she didn't want anymore birthdays - she was tired. Made me sad but it would probably be a blessing if the good Lord took her home. She's never been happy and has clung onto me for 20+ years. Yes I allowed it and lately I'm kicking myself for giving up some of the best years of my life with no privacy, and taking care of all her emotional needs. Being the friend, the confidant (while she complained about ALL the other family members), trying to control everything I do and always criticizing me. Now I just want PEACE in my life! I'm NO spring chicken at 58 - and some days I feel like a 108. I feel I absorb her negative energy. Geez the other day I brought home over $100.00 in groceries..did I get a "thank you"...NOPE. Only why did I buy an extra box of oatmeal - we already had one. Some days I wish I could just run away! Good luck and God Bless everyone.

Helpful Answer (25)

Reply to Texasgal

Report

So true, you describe it perfectly. (How mother clings to me: like I'm HER mother). Sounds like we have the same situation, God help us.✌

(5)

Report

See 2 more replies

My mom was the same, and it went on for years.
I tried so many "tactics" to alleviate things, but want to share the one thing that actually did help a little.
It was when I simply stopped even trying to reason with her, and stopped arguing her, and just more or less agreed with her, that "Yes - It must be really hard getting old. I understand. It's sad not being able to do what you want. And it must be so tiring to do many things. I sure wish we could make you young again. If I could, I would." (stuff like that) And remind them that you love them.

That actually tended to shut the complaining down somewhat. I think they sometimes simply want empathy.

Helpful Answer (21)

Reply to EmilySue

Report

Thats a great observation☺, & I did read that once, on a mental health page, that people just want to feel "heard". (The trouble is when the elderly just dump on you constantly, &I no longer want to hear). Society has forgotten the caregiver, like we are some kind of robot without feelings & needs. But thanks for sharing what helped you.☺

(4)

Report

See 1 more reply

My 94 yr old mother-child did a complete 180 degree personality change, from sweet to an emotional vampire. Her negativity totally drains me, yet I feel obligated to maintain daily phone calls, exposing myself to her negativity and lack of reasoning (exactly like your mom). Mother blames everything on the fact that I moved her to a different state (to be close to family) and made her quit driving. Anyway, after months of visiting this wonderful website, I finally got her to a doctor and YES, she did have a UTI!! After a round of meds, she has returned (mostly) to her former, nicer self. I'm still walking on eggshells, but the shells are a bit thicker now.

Helpful Answer (9)

Reply to LightingRod

Report

Need to gripe. I suppose I shouldn't complain because mom (95 yo-stage 6 Alz.- in the memory care facility) has been in pretty good spirits lately. But, hoo-wee, she was a grump on Saturday. She said, "I'm MAD!" but wouldn't (or couldn't) answer what about. We brought her an ice cream sundae and she spit it all over her shoes. She wrinkled up her nose and didn't want to be touched. Of course, it was the one day that my step daughter accompanied us. She was blown away. She just kept smiling. Mother said, "Take me back to the chair inside. I want to go to sleep." Pleasant dreams, Mom. Maybe a nap will make you more pleasant.
Needless to say, the visit was short and the sundae was thrown in the trash after melting to liquid. Some days you luck out and others you loose.

Sigh, I hope I'll be a happy old lady.

Helpful Answer (9)

Reply to SueC1957

Report

I know what you mean. I hope I'll never leave those kind of awful memories to my children. ✌

(3)

Report

I wish I really knew! I try to redirect my mom and remind her of all the reasons she lives there now. I take her out for ice cream and we drive around talking about her only (she doesn’t care about anyone else at this point). It wears her out. I give her lots of hugs and tell her if she’ll take a shower, we’ll go somewhere fun again soon. Your mom is lonely and misses you-like a kid they complain for attention.
Just my experience.

Helpful Answer (6)

Reply to Oldestof8

Report

No more emotional vampire for me. I've enjoyed taking care o many people over the years, but they were 'pleasantly confused', not nasty every day. I'm a human being with feelings too.

(4)

Report

yes this is my mother also. Will not go to assisted living. Is 84. Always complains and has a new problem and dr can not find things wrong. She has lost her friends and complains about the hair dresser and lawn boy but will not change them. She was always a bitter lady- narcissistic only child.
It is going to take her having a medical emergency and then go to a nursing home she does not want but will have to because she can not live alone per dr orders with her broken hip/heart/etc.
She will not give me her power of attorney paper so i will have to come from out of town and to the house to get it in her safeby that time she may not still be alive.

Helpful Answer (4)

Reply to DJ9876543

Report

My mother is the same with her POA, so i will have to drive in to get it out of her safe- and that is her choice. If there are consequences to her not getting the care she would need- it is how she set it up for herself when her children do not have the POA with them then. Sad but true.

(1)

Report

Welcome to my world. Mother called tonight and said the people at her assisted living facility had unplugged her lift chair and it wouldn't recline. When I told her we'd call them and have them plug it back in, she furiously told me no, that I needed to drive over and plug it up because they wouldn't do it. Then she went on a tirade about wanting to go back home, that they don't like her at her ALF, about how she should have never moved there, about how she was going to call and have someone from back home come and get her, and on and on.

When I told her she can't go home because she can't lift herself out of a chair, she changed the subject to the "terrible" care she gets. We called about the lift chair, and they simply walked into her room and plugged it back in.

Helpful Answer (8)

Reply to rwbpiano

Report

Im so sorry you have to deal with this. She sounds a lot like my mother. She's constantly complaining about the staff stealing from her. They never give her medication, they are sabotaging her. Every day she wants to go home or have her own apartment. Oh, sure!
She spends all her time complaining, calling and texting until our VM is full. It's really difficult.
I feel for you. I really do.

(5)

Report

See 1 more reply

Oh my. I feel like I could have written this. My mother is EXACTLY the same way. Never happy about anything. Every time I talk to her it's been her "worst week ever". Every visit is the same: never asks anything about how my life is going, how my husband is, how her grandkids and greatgrands are. Nothing. I used to tell her things that were going on in my life but she'd just skip right over it and turn the conversation back to her and her complaints, so now I don't even bother. She just launches into a tirade of how bad everything is and her list of things I need to do for her. I wish I had good advice or a solution. It's definitely exhausting. Prayers and (((hugs))) Hang in there!
EDIT: I just saw how old this thread was. To the OP, I hope by now things have improved in your life!

Helpful Answer (17)

Reply to BlueRidgeGal

Report

Omgosh. You just described my life with my mom. She doesn't suffer from dementia, but she is 87, and very demanding. I have recently noticed how negative she has become. Every time I talk to her, which is about 4 times daily, because she calls me, she complains constantly, and tells me to call people for her. Tells me to do things for her, and i'm tired of it! I will do things she needs, but sometimes it feels like she's bored, so she sends me on a wild goose chase. She wanted me a come overevery day, to do things for her, such as taking out her trash, vacuuming, putting groceries away. So, I hired her a housekeeper, now she has me calling people on her behalf. Until, I read your comment, I thought I was the only one going through this. Thanks for opening my eyes!

(9)

Report

See 1 more reply

We took my mother out for my birthday yesterday. We ordered her 1 glass of wine. She said the AL doesn't serve wine anymore. Really doubt they ever did. Then she said they stopped serving rolls which she told me she never eats. She is overweight. Then she said the staff is reduced in order to save money. There are always little digs. She could have remained on her own longer if she had taken care of herself which she didn't do for decades. I just let it slide over me. I can't make her young and realistic the last trait she never had.

Helpful Answer (8)

Reply to Riverdale

Report

All we can do is strive for balance, not letting their troubles overtake us. I'm thankful we have nursing homes & assisted care, cuz it takes a whole team of pros to manage old people. Also, it's better to have strangers care for elder family (when they're nasty & won't cooperate). My mother treats the staff there better than me for sure, but I've heard that's common. Lately I'm able to accept her condition & believe she doesn't mean me any harm. (Had to let go of wishing we have a good relationship, cuz we never did). & Now it's too late.

Helpful Answer (8)

Reply to anonymous828521

Report

She's probably related to me. No, sorry, I've just been told I have a very negative attitude. Trying to work on it. Pessimist by nature, I guess. Your mom, I don't know. I'd have to try to be armchair psychologist, which I'm not by any means. Others' comments are probably far more helpful.

Helpful Answer (1)

Reply to Cats4Ever

Report

I know what you mean 'Cats4ever', It's hard to be positive if we're affected by negative people, (or even the daily news). Unplug when u can: I listen to Joel Osteen on you tube, & always get blessed. He's on many tv channels too.

(0)

Report

2 3 4 5 6

Is it normal she's so negative?

1K Answers

Recent Questions

Popular Questions

Related Questions