Is it normal she's so negative?

Oh, the big realization I had was that "everybody leaving" is a confabulation. I didn't know what that was until I started educating myself on dementia this past year. If mom has been confabulating for 15 years then I think her Alzheimers is a lot older than we all ever imagined. That made me look into the stages of Alzheimers and see that we moved mom up here near us kind of in the nick of time. A lot of what has happened over the past 15 years wasn't her just being meaner than normal mean. It was her dementia and not one person noticed or did anything meaningful about it. So sad. Earlier intervention could have put her on a much different path in life. *sigh* Earlier intervention would have taken a rope, a hippopotamus tranquilizer, and a gurney.

It is not terrible. I thought I just read something I wrote..LOL My mom has complained about the same things the past three years. Actually 5 or more. She was getting paranoid about her neighbors that she had for 15 or more years. She sold that house --just had to get out of there, moved to another county--two weeks later "I need to get out of here" "the neighbors aren't very nice", these women don't like me, how do they live here...blah blah. Moved back to her town she just moved from and the same things came from her mouth, then I knew something was wrong. Blamed the movers for stealing from her--I knew it wasn't so, found the things she claimed were missing. (never told her though). The other day she started saying how one of the girls only come to the doorway of her bedroom and stays in the living room to talk to her. Ok? so? my mom sees that as the girl don't like her and don't want to get close to her anymore. PARANOID!! I can't blame them either if they didn't want to. Called her today and hadn't talked to her since her little fiasco on Sunday. She didn't have anything to say. I asked her what she was doing and she said "nothing, what is there to do here?" My mom always ends her sentences with a question, she will say stuff like, my hands hurt, you know it? I can't stand that girl, can you? Then gets mad if I don't answer her statement/question. She will say, I am talking to the air I guess. My mom had to go to rehab too and said the same things. I try to remind her how bad it was at the nursing home. They really weren't very nice and bathe them like a herd of cattle or something. Now I think that is one reason she is afraid to get in the shower.

So you know, I am listening to the advice I have been given. I went to visit mom, do her hair, and fix her pill box. Same 'ole thing today when I first got there. Complained about the cable, must not get good cable here, nothing on this tv. I used to get a lot more movies on my other tv. Never could get her to understand that cable is cable--it is not the place and not the tv. She became upset and told me she wasnt going to go through this with me again today. We went to do her hair and she sat in the chair and said "get this over with so you can go back to your palace." First of all, I hardly live in a palace..haha, second of all I am NOT taking it from her today. I stopped dead in my tracks and told her exactly what I needed to many times ago. With all your help, I have been able to do what I know needs to be done..so here it went-- I told her I wasn't going to do it today either and for that matter I wasn't doing it ANYMORE! I told her that I have decided as of today I am not coming back and taking this from her. The put downs, the yelling or her complaining. No more! I began to tell her how hurtful it was. That I come to see her and help her the best I know how. I also stated to her that I want to come for a pleasant visit and we haven't had one yet. I didn't stop until I said what I needed to say. She got very quiet and just looked at me as I spoke. I told her to find something else to talk about beside complaining. After washing and fixing her hair, she looked at me and said, "will you trim my nails"? I said that I would be happy too. After doing her nails, she asked me to do her toenails, I did. She asked if I would take a walk with her to the other levels and sit on the covered patio. Gladly I told her. We actually had a nice visit. She talked of everything from where she used to work to things when I was little. I still watched how I answered questions and made sure I didn't reply to something that would set her off, but I did say what was a long time coming. I usually go and stay about 2 hours, today, I was there for 6 hours. Wow, I was shocked and so was my family. They wondered what happened to me..Ha! She kept trying to find things to talk about to keep me there. I could tell she knew I meant business. Before I left, I told her I enjoyed our visit. Thanks to all for the much needed encouragement and for letting me realize I get to decide everything!!

Wow, Jeweltone!! That is wonderful!! Good for you! I'm so glad you got it all out, AND that you and your mother had such a nice visit!

I want to be her daughter not her maid service

I feel like she treats me like a teenager

just2nanci: You do not need to be a maid service. I like to stay busy when I visit with my mom because it helps me. Find someone who can help out even if it is two times a week. That is how I started before my mom became really ill. I had a girl go on Mondays and Thursdays. She would fix dinner (if my mom would eat), do light cleaning (when my mom could tolerate it) or to just visit and have someone else for my mom to talk to. Yes, it can get expensive, but my time and mental status is worth more than that. My mom became so ill she quit eating and I had to move in with her last summer and she was on hospice. Forward a year and now she is doing better physically and lives in assisted living since march. You can read my earlier posts and find out more. Hang in there, it has been 3 to 5 years for me and I am learning as I go. The people here have been so encouraging and knowing I am doing nothing short of what I should have been doing, helps out tremendously.

My Mother can have the best of everything and still complain. It is like she is a mal-content try of person. Says that everyone elses family takes care of their Mothers'.
One of my friends Mother's had the same meal as mine, friends Mother said it was great. My Mother said that it was junk. Not happy with ANYTHING!!
I am about to give up. They say leaders will leave you if you are too hard to lead.
I understand that statement now. Cheryl

HA! there is a programme on here every week called "how to be happy" of course i never got to watch it. I put it on and straight away mum said "oh turn that crap off". I rest my case!!! Yeh i gave up trying to make her happy along time ago now im her hiredhelp! Dad told me once "she spent so much time telling me what she didnt like i never found out what she did like". So sad that some people live thier life like this all the more reason for us to "get happy".

Amen to all that kazzaa and 126Cher!!

Sunday visit with mom was about the tv cable. Everything that came on (even commercials) she would say "seen that", "seen that", nothing on but commercials about dogs and cats... complain, complain. I finally turned off the tv and she asked me why I did. ((shrug)).. I am trying each day to be "happy" again. I used to keep a clean house, have dinner on the table every night for my family, enjoyed being off in the summer and taking the kids to the pool, etc. Now, I am so overwhelmed with "her" that my house looks like it threw up on itself (many times) dinner at the table is a thing of the past, and pool? what is that? Enjoyment? you say?-I want to get back to some normalcy and pretend nothing is wrong.

Even though I was able to tell my mom how I felt on Sunday, she ended up asking me if she had to live there (al) for the rest of her life. What do you say to that? I know she is well enough to enjoy us when she should and well enough that she chooses to be miserable, but I also realize she isn't well enough to live alone.

Sounds like we all have the same mother. kazzaa: you are so right, it is very sad they have spent their whole life being so miserable. I am relatively a happy person, but my mother has sucked it right out of me.

Hi Jewelton,
My house looks like a filing cabnet. Files all over the place from keeping tract of all their illnesses since 2012, Dad, broken pelvis in 3 places, pneumonia, numb fingers---Mom, septis, kindey cancer, broken hip with total hip replacement, her heart beating too fast hospital stay. You name it it all happened starting July 2012.
So I know what you mean about not being able to keep up with your house. My husband and I have done everything for them and they still complain, complain and complain. Both nasty on top of it. Yes, I believe dementia makes people like this. Yes they do suck the life out of you.

Don't take your Mother into your house. I made that mistake and I am paying daily.
A Social Worker told me not to take her into my house after re-hap stay because she would complain about me, my husband and then start to pick on the dog.
Social worked correct on all accounts except she never got to the dog.
I also moved in with them after my Father broke his pelvis summer of 2012 (another mistake). Could go on but I would be going on for ever.

OMG Jeweltone I just posted today that I could not do this anymore. I had the worst day today too and had to go spend the night somewhere else because my mom is so mean to me. She also keeps telling me "You are always right about everything I am not stupid you know". The she called me a liar today about everything I said. I know they say to not take what she says personal but how can you help it?? I'm at my wits end and I am just about to walk out and not look back. How are we supposed to cope? I have put my life on hold to help my mother and it has not turned out well. I wish my mother was in assisted living but I have to admit I would not miss her fits and barbs. In fact I would not miss her at all. I now understand why so many elderly people are left in nursing homes. I understand a lot of things I did not used to but wish I didn't. Hang in there!

There's a kind of pesky, impatient, naggy complaining seniors can do because they realize they aren't in control of their life anymore. It's kind of like a little kid stomping up & down screaming "don't treat me like a baby!!!!" This kind of thing can be helped some in how the person is approached & treated. It's a lot of advance thinking and planning, but it can be done. There's a lot of articles on the site about dealing with chronic complainers. Sometimes it's pain too.

HOWEVER, there is this other thing that isn't so nice and can't be helped with old fashioned adult courtesy & consideration for mom. You can bend over backwards and grab the moon with your teeth, and it won't be good enough.
It's as if they are the only person in the world and we ought to all give up life to sit at their knee and wait for instructions.

If this is a new personalithy change, I'd definitely talk to the doctor about it, as it may be dementia related. The part of our brain that makes us nice tolerable people is on the side that slips first - most of the time. There are so many kinds of dementias, they all have their own different signs. Losing your self control and empathy is a common sign though.

If this is not a new thing at all, and this is how mom/dad was all along, but maybe not this bad, it might be a personality disorder related thing. If mom/dad could keep it together for strangers/outsiders, authority figures, doctors & the like, and just saved it for you at home, then it might not hurt to look at the articles and conversation threads here for Narcissism. You will find people in that boat who are very sympathetic, and are walking that road too.

One of the skills that will help you regardless is learning to detach with love. It's a way to emotionally protect yourself from harm, while not totally abaondoning the other person. Sometimes that is even necessary to get your head & life back together. It's called going low or no-contact. There are some great books out there to help you. Stop Walking on Eggshells, Surviving the Borderline Mother. Just search on amazon.

My mom falls into the personality disorder bucket. It's one thing she does really well. She could be a gold medal narcissist with OCD and Borderline. Her dementia was progressing, so in 2013 I put her in an apartment first, now in the nursing home due to her cognitive decline and medical needs. There is no way on this earth I would ever voluntarily take her back into my home. 3 1/2 weeks was ENOUGH. She is not abandoned, but I get to decide when and how long visits last. Her physical needs are met. She is safe. I am not responsible for anything else. She is unable to be happy, so I don't use that as a way to tell if it's going well or not.

Growing up with a parent who is "difficult/domineering/controlling/abusive" causes damage I still feel at the age of 43 even though I left home nearly 25 years ago. It is not a good idea to expect someone to do physical/intimate care tasks for their abuser. It continues the toxic relationship. It's bad for everyone in volved.

If you need help getting your elder out of your home, and into somewhere else, call your local area agency on aging. You have to put a plan together to make progress. There will never be a "good time" to make changes, even if the changes are good. Use this site as a resource and ask lots of questions. There is more than one way to find success, happiness, and get your life back.

sandwich (((((hugs)))) I am 76 and still feel the damage - partly because the abusive behaviour continues, but also because any abuse experienced from birth on has to have a lasting effect some kind. I find myself at times, still battling the negative messages that were instilled in me as a child. I do - sooner or later - recognize them for what they are, but would rather be without them altogether.

You are right that they are unable to be happy, and making them happy is not a realistic goal. Keeping them safe, seeing that they have the care they need, is doable, as opposed to fulfilling their whims/demands which are endless.

To any one at or near the end of their tether, often the right time for a change is now. It means you have reached or are near reaching the end of your tolerance of certain behaviours which are dragging you down. There is help available though the various agencies. People on this site have made those changes. You can too.

viohnson i know just how you are feeling mums been impossible lately and getting worse. I will leave as soon as i can. I know its the illness but today was bad she keeps losing her perscription so the chemist said it would be best she have a weekly supply instead of a monthly so less to lose. Well mum went almost violent this morning she wants her monthly perscription and hurled abuse at me
I am a selfish b*tch, i dont care about anyone but me, i do nothing but sit and smoke all day(really love that one!) lucky i was going into town then i just came home and ignored her sat in the sun cooked her tea am now going to have a bath and PRAY to God,Buddha,Alla whoever that she goes to bed early!!!!!!

I want out of this and her in a NH shes just impossible to live with nasty negative and blackmails me with money or things then throws it all in my face.

Mums personality has been multiplied by this illness ROLL on next week im on a weeks holiday and pray again that my sis gets a good dose of her awful temper as noone has seen it yet?
I know its hard when we say its not thier fault but stuff this for a life? i will visit everyday be the dutiful daughter but live on eggshells for the next god knows how long no way! I just think she needs professional help as i cant be doing with her "vicious moods".
Yeh hang in there y'all!!!!!!!!!!!!
One day we will look back and laugh???????????? just choke me now!

Jeweltone, I'm glad you told her how you felt. That is a great step forward. I see you had a bad day, but just remember everyday won't be like that good one. Just continue to stand your ground as needed. Yes, your mom will always have to stay there. She is taken care of and safe. End of story! As far as your home and meals, I totally understand. You will need to sit down and make out a realistic schedule so you can get your home and life back in order. I don't know how old your kids are, but they can pitch in too. Cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. do not be a martyr. Decide how often you can realistically fit a visit in to your mom and don't sacrifice your own home and family...they should be first. Mom is ok. Seeing her so often you neglect your home and family does not make you a "good daughter", remove guilt, or care for your peace of mind.

By the way, I don't have kids and am married. I finally told my hubby he was going to have to support me through this. Once he heard me and how stressed I was, he got it! He brings home dinner when I can't squeeze it in. Helps clean house, etc. Maybe a family meeting and giving people "jobs" they can do. Otherwise you will jeapordize your marriage, kid's relationships and go crazy

Thank you again. Yes, my kids do help out, but it just isn't the same. They do the dishes, do some laundry, etc. But there are things I like done, that they just don't see. I am working diligently now at home to try to make it look nice again. I used to decorate and friends and family would always comment and want me to help them with their house. Now, I am embarrassed for them to come in...ha! I did plant my flowers this year and they look so good. I have missed that. My salvation is watering them each night. I have the outside looking back to normal, well, almost.. and working inside next. I did cook a good dinner tonight and cleaned up. Felt so good I must say. It is the little things.

I prayed many nights to get her in the AL. Now that she is there, I do feel guilty, but not as guilty as I was feeling when I would go to her home and never wanted to go back and knowing I HAD to go. I still feel like I have to go, but not like I did when I stayed with her all last summer. My family suffered dearly and trying to fix it now has been rough.

Viohnson: Please know that you can do this!!! Honestly, my mom has been so overbearing ALL of my life and to stand up to her was a big no no. I would have never done it before and the stress it has caused me over the years, yes, damages us! It damages all the other relationships we are in whether it be marriage, kids, friends, etc. I used to go out with friends or we would have friends over, not in a year. A year, wow, that is a long time. You must find a way to find a place for her. It will be better for her and most of all YOU. She is running you from your home and that is not good. I thought of something my mom said on Sunday after she calmed down. We were talking and she said, "my mom always told me that young people don't like old people, and now I see she is right". Well, maybe people (young or old) don't like people who are mean, nasty, complaining, self-absorb and hateful.--that is what I wanted to say. I wanted to tell her to stop playing the role. That is exactly what my mom does, she plays the part of an "old" hag. I feel you when you say you could leave and never look back. I feel that way everyday. It would not hurt my feelings one bit, if I never had to see her again. I realize this stems from way back and not just now, but after 46 years of hell, I am ready for some peace. Now, she really don't have a filter. She really tells me what she thinks and I don't care what she thinks anymore.

Everyone has been so encouraging and helpful here, just listen to the advice and know you are not alone in this. We deserve so much more than the havoc they cause in our lives. Knowing she is safe is so important. We are supposed to get storms tonight and I do not have to worry if her electric is going out or will she be scared. I know she is in a safe place with someone to look out for her. Do I feel bad that she wants it to be me and it's not? Sure, but only if she were a nice lady with dementia. :-)

I do not have anyone else to take the heat so it's just time I stand up for me. Hopefully, one day soon, we can all thank our lucky stars we made it through. I also pray I do not put my kids through what my mom has put me through.

Good luck to all. Until next time, good night!!

As you know I have written about all the fuss with my mom's hair. My hairdresser told me today she could go do my mom's hair next week..Yay! She will wash it, trim it, and fix it. So...today I called my mom to tell her that she was coming one day next week--(I know the day, but don't want to get her worked up just yet). My mom said, "ok, bye" and then hung up. I literally laughed out loud when I hung up. All that fuss and that's it, mom? ok, bye? Ha Ha. That was my laugh today, and thank goodness she didn't make me cry one more time. Good night all.

Hope everyone had a great 4th of July free of frustrations and stress from care giving. I had a great time with some friends I haven't been able to spend much time with. It really was nice to be worry free for a few hours. Hopefully more to come.

After enjoying friends last night, my husband and I decided we needed to get started on some projects around the house that have been neglected over the past 3 years. As we were planning where to start, I received a phone call--you will NEVER guess who was on the other end...YES, you guessed it, my mother. I know, I was as shocked as you are. She hasn't called me since March (when she went to assisted living). She was wondering if I was coming by today or tomorrow. she stated she hadn't heard from me (I called her on Thursday). I told her of our plan to do some projects and I could come to do her hair tomorrow but I couldn't stay long. I do believe people, that my little spill to her last week has stuck--(at least for now). I would imagine she is getting a little nervous that I may not come back. Have a good weekend.

You have my sympathy as I know exactly what you are going through, we are going through the same with our mother. Yes, she says the same thing to every visitor "could you live here". And yes, we could. The apartment is nice, the food is good, its a lovely place, the people are wonderful. But she will never be happy so we stop trying to please her. Age has robbed our mothers of their independence, so they are unhappy and they want to make sure their children know it - every day. There is no arguing with someone with dementia, they don't listen (or remember, so you can have the same discussion 5 times in a day, and the next day and the next!) They lie about everything, they don't bathe, they don't bother to use the appliances because they know we will do it. They complain because they have lost their independence, but what independence is left to them, they squander by sitting around thinking of ways to feel unhappy. Sometimes I have to take a tranquilizer before I visit Mom. Try it - it helps!

AmyGrace: I have thought the same thing..if she doesn't take her medicine, I will take it for her so one of us can get some peace. Ha! Thank you for listening. It is so hard to go and hear the same questions: Could you live here? What do you like about here? They have lied about how wonderful this place is. The food is gourmet and I don't like it. You think this place is wonderful because you don't live here. On and on. I called her today (since she called yesterday to make sure I was coming by) and she told me she didn't feel like it. I did the happy dance and went about working on our weekend project. I am learning the hard way to enjoy the moments I don't have to go and praise God for giving me the day off.

I can't believe how similar our mothers are...the $10,000 question though is, Is it only their generation of 80-95 yr olds or do you think it is honestly part of dementia? Remember they got rid of "us" when we were 18 for the most part. They have had themselves as number 1 thought for a long time. Many of "us" are still nurturing along our "adult" children.

These are all $1,000,000 questions. Actually, my mom is just 68. This started (looking back) when she was about 61 or 62. I do agree this could be for the most part, their personality and the other part is dementia (or some mental illness) that has just come about. I am trying not to nurture anymore, it has been very difficult. I feel like I am just "feeding the beast", so I am learning to pull back and do what I need to do. I am hoping one day I can just look at it as an older lady who needs help instead of me looking at her as my mom. If I can break the emotional connection, things would be so much better. Good luck

So very many people come to this site with the same "angry granny" problem, it can't just be chance. I think it would make a very interesting public health and social science study.

My mom was doing her Godzilla over Tokyo impression all day yesterday. I got several calls about it from the care center. At one point, I talked to her for a bit in hopes it would help (yeah, right!)

She was so worked up, swearing, calling me every obscene name under the sun, blaming me for her life, that I thought she might just give herself a stroke. She should have given me up when I was born, she should have sent me away like everybody told her to, she should have left me for the buzzards, etc. Objective- me knows these are her own insecurities & fears she is projecting and it has nothing to do with me at all. Or maybe these were things she heard as a child.

The one detail I could focus on was her huffing and puffing into the phone. She had herself so worked up she was out of breath! Just like the wolf that blew the pigs' houses down. It was really loud. And just made the whole thing comical.

I let her run out of steam and then talked to the nurse. I think he was blown away with the demon that came out of my mother. Meh, I'm used to it. She's been this way my whole life. And it the typical meds don't work on her anymore. I suggested calling the doctor and getting a sedative for her simply to keep her BP down. Or not. Whatever.

Even though I can objectify these really awful abusive episodes better than I could in the past, there is still a PTSD factor there. I cry. I feel depressed. But I try not to allow myself to stay there. Objective-me is on the shore trying to pull the sad-me out of the water. Happiness is the best revenge after all. Happiness is not easy though. It takes purposeful work to stay out of the sea of despair. My mom is a walking after-school-special on what happens to a person who lives in the sea of despair their whole lives.

Patilee, my mother has dementia and is only 73 and has had it since she was 67. Dementia isn't normal aging it is a disease in the brain in which the brain shrinks or atrophy of the brain. My mother was diagnosed with fronto-temporal dementia which is in the front part of the brain that controls reasoning, planning, making decisions, problem solving, short term memory, and other executive functions. It is not a generational difference among people it is a real brain dysfunction. I think a lot of people confuse dementia and Alzheimer's with normal aging sometimes, but if they were around them they would definitely see a difference.

This whole thread has been very helpful to read as it is tough being the only one for them. My mom is almost 84 and has always been difficult to deal with and seems to always complain of something. She suffers from arthritis and also from early dementia. She was living in her own home in NC until just recently. My sister (who died suddenly not to long ago at the age of 60 at the end of November) was retired and took on the role of main long distant care-giver for my mom who did really well up until lately in her own home with home health agency coming in once daily to help with medication reminders, cleaning, shopping, errands. After my sister died, our world shattered and I stepped up to the plate as her caregiver (really had no choice)...took over monitoring home health care, her bills, doctor appointments (scheduled them when we were visiting as we live 350 miles away). I'm 46 too but have two small boys (ages 4 and 6). About a month or so ago...mom came down with a bad UTI...was hospitalized - while in hospital found out she also had septis...treated all of that...right before she was to be discharged..came down with pneumonia and had to stay in hospital another week...after all of that...we decided it was best for her to come up here...she is now in rehab close by us...and is slowly progressing (its been two weeks now)...still not walking by herself yet with walker. We plan that after rehab, we have found a nice assisted living place - that she is actually been to while on a visit here to our area as my co-workers mom is living there and she really liked the place. When we were visiting it..she asked them if they had any space...I should of moved her in then at that moment! Sorry for the long vent...just wanted to tell how we got here....but I have always felt this intense guilt and fear since being her caregiver...that I had to make sure she was ok...and it was like if she was having a good day then I would feel good and happy and if she wasn't... i would find myself getting upset, worried, anxious and depressed. It seems when I come to visit her at rehab...she always complains how she doesn't feel good...then during the meal (which I eat with her at the dining room) she picks at her food and won't eat much. Now when my husband, stops by to visit she doesn't complain to him, feels good usually and eats much better. Why is that? So lately, what I've done..is backed off on visits and have him visit more often...of course I feel terribly guilty but also realize I have a responsibility to my boys to be their mother and enjoy their lives. I do bring the boys to visit her but she isn't too interested in them and at times has picked on my 6-year-old and has said some nasty things to him in the past. Just wanted to say you are doing a great job..I hope I can be stronger one day...as this whole experience has really affected me and I seem to have so much guilt, anxiety, etc...and I have started seeing a therapist a few months ago which has seemed to help a lot.

Maybe 90% of the difficulty I have w/my mother is due to her negativity. I dread phone calls and visits. I care long distance (150 miles away, I work full time), and our relationship was never close. I've had to increase my involvement in her care, but I make sure the phone calls are as brief as possible, and when I do 'visit' it doesn't involve much socializing. I schedule them around errands that need to be done, appointments, etc. She's unpleasant, critical, unappreciative, manipulative, and uncooperative. And she refuses to accept, or even acknowledge, her limitations. So EVERYONE in her life eventually gets handed the role of being the 'bad guy,' who has to tell her NO, you CAN'T DO this or that. And then, we become the enemy to her. I can only do so much to keep her relatively safe. And there's nothing I can do to make her happy.