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Visit some AL’s near you. Find one or two you really like, take her for a lunch tour. You can eat with her. Sometimes when they see it’s not as bad as they thought it changes their minds. Most of our elderly only knew of NH’s. AL’s are so much different but they need to see for their self. I wouldn’t tell her you are looking at it for her To move you could tell her it’s a senior lunch day & you a ll were invited to eat for free! Free is always good to seniors.
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Would it help to get a care manager? Let them evaluate her and either set up home care or nursing home. I have a relative who looked after her mother in law until it almost killed her. She was also very rude and demanding. They put her in a nursing home finally.
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NeedSomeClarity May 2020
Hi LivingSouth,

Thank you! I will look into a care manager. It gets a little more complicated....

She doesn't have any money aside from her SS and Pension which is over what is allowed for medicad approval. I know we can still file and they will take her money less a $100 allowance monthly BUT she gifted over 20k to another family member 3 years ago.

They are a dysfunctional family to say the least...
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Thank you Barb. We live in NJ. It looks like we are a "filial obligation" state. I wonder if this changes anything...

She still has her whitts so I am not sure he is able to make any decisions with her consent.
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BarbBrooklyn May 2020
Filial obligation laws so far have only been used in pretty narrow circumstances to get adult children to PAY for care for their impoverished parents.

You are not obligated to provide care for her in your home; do you accompany her to doctor visits? You may need to keep after the doctor to do cognitive screenings and for the DOCTOR to tell her that she is no longer safe living alone.

What are her financial resources like?
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No one can be made to do hand's on care for another person.

He needs to read his POA. Is it durable or springing? Is it in effect now or does she need to be declared incompetent for it to go into effect?

Do you live in a "filial obligation" state?

For most of us here, if an elder has not been found incompetent and refuses to go into care, you wait until the illness or fall that puts them in the hospital. You then talk to the discharge planners about getting her into a facility,
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NeedSomeClarity May 2020
Hi Barb,

She gets some money from her SS and pension but no other savings. She makes too much monthly to qualify for medicad but I know we could apply and they would take all her money less $100 allowance monthly. She did gift someone over 20k 3 years ago and I am sure that would complicate things.

I do take her to the DR but haven't in 2 months since all of this COVID stuff has been happening. She sees a therapist. I would for the 3 of us to go with her and all talk to the therapist to see if that would help.
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