I've been taking care of my mother-in-law for going on 3 months. She has had 4 strokes since 2009 her last 2 strokes occurred on March of this yr. This job was basically forced on me because my husband refused to put her in a home & his brother & his wife want nothing to do with it. My husband & I fought over this prior to her coming here after rehab because she needs too much care (24/7) & it would be too much on me with my medical conditions (thoracic outlet syndrome & degenerative disc disease). My husband wanted to take on the responsibility but I told him that he knew it would all be put on me because he works & I don't due to retirement disability. Plus I attend college 2-5 days a week. He promised it wouldn't all be put on me & that I wouldn't have to quit school but after she got here in April he realized that this job was an all day job & after telling me to sign up for my class and me paying $800.00 he asked me to drop it. I told him I will not drop my fall course. She is incapable of doing anything at all & the best & shortest way to describe it is that I'm caring for a 200 lb newborn baby. She has to be lifted out of bed & lifted out of her recliner everytime she says she has to go to the bathroom. I don't think she really knows though because she'll ask me if she went as I'm wiping her & her diaper is so heavily saturated everytime. She urinates so much it goes right through her diaper and even through a 100% waterproof mattress protector (at least it says it's 100% waterproof). I'm washing her bedclothes & night gowns everyday all day & my house now smells like urine. She just sits in a recliner all day calling me for everything. My husband rarely does anything except all the grocery shopping because I can't leave since she can't be left alone. To get her out of bed I have to pull her upper body up at the same time my other arm is wrapped around her legs twisting her lower body to get her legs over the edge of the bed & then would have to lift her up to her feet & it was hurting my back too much. She only has the strength to stand once you lift her to her feet but not on her own. I'm only 5'2 110 lbs (was 120 lbs but lost 10 lbs since she's been here). I now make my husband wake her up & get her out of bed before he leaves for work in the morning which is at 5 am if she's not already up. She's usually up at 3 am screaming our names waking all of us up to go to the bathroom even though she's soaked from urinating all night in bed. She doesn't get into bed until 8pm but doesn't fall asleep until 11pm or later. I can't go to bed until after she falls asleep because she drops the tv remote & calls me, she needs her pillow fixed when she slides down the bed, she needs her private areas scratched (yes I have to do that also) & she blasts the tv so loud that you can't hear any other tv in the house. If you turn your volume up it just turns into a battle of who can get their tv the loudest so I'm only getting 4 hrs sleep and taking care of her 20 hrs a day. Even when my husband is home he just sits there & watches me do it all. When I ask him to do it he gets an attitude. I just don't know what to do. I told him that when he's home he needs to take care of her because this was his decision & he wanted to take on the responsibility not me but he's never home because he works so much now. As bad as her physical health is she knows what's going on & her mental health is not perfect but she is able to make her own decisions just not care for herself. She does forget things but she knows what she's doing. My whole day consists of waiting on her hand & foot all day just sitting here waiting for my name to be called. I can't go out & cut my grass or even play with my 11 yr old son in the pool like every summer prior. I can't even talk on the phone without having to hang right up because she needs something. I'm lucky to eat 3 meals a week because I pretty much gave up on eating since every single time she'll call me to go to the bathroom while I'm in the middle of eating & it takes 8 minutes just to get her 10 ft to the bathroom so the whole bathroom fiasco takes 20 minutes & by then I lose my appetite. She slid out of her chair and sat on the floor when I was trying to take her to the bathroom & laughed. I tried 3 times to lift her but she wouldn't even try to help. I hurt my ribs, back, & tore something in my right breast & have a big lump now with pain shooting through it & because of this my son missed his school bus & I couldn't leave to take him so he missed school altogether. After 3 attempts I had to call 911 to come pick her up & they did then left. Just the other day she fell off the transfer chair in the bath while I was trying to get her out & again my husband wasn't here so I had to lift her out. I'm miserable. My house is no longer my home. I'm just a slave in my own home. I just don't know what to do.
I am glad to see a fuller picture of your husband's caring personality.
I am glad to hear that your son seems fine. I don't believe that rosy picture is the full truth, though. My stepdaughters seemed perfectly fine when I married their Dad. We were one big happy blended family. But looking back from years later, and talking to them now in ways they couldn't talk then, I sure wish we had realized how much they were hurting.
And it is true that your husband would have to have guardianship to force MIL into a care center, and also that she'd first have to be found incompetent.
BUT he does not have to be guardian to remove her from your house. Why isn't that happening?
That's where she lives from now on.
She's capable, remember?
Drop her off and call APS. I'm dead serious.
" I don't want to have anything to do with her finances because when she passes her other son is going to want half of whatever is left and I don't want my name signed to anything because I don't want to be accused of anything. My husband's brother and his wife want nothing to do with it because they're mad that she gave away all their inheritance that their father promised to them to a bunch of loser strangers and wouldn't help them in a time of need."
So you're paying off her debts to keep the brother and his wife happy and make sure they get something in the end? Really?
You and your H have enabled this sick, sick woman and have also been greatly taken advantage of (especially you, since you're the main caregiver).
YOU SCRATCH HER PRIVATES FOR HER?
This has all gotten way, way out of hand. You have lots of excuses for why you can't do what you know needs to be done. I suggest marriage counseling -- there must be great dysfunction for this whole scenario to get to where it is now.
I'm glad you will be going away with your 11 y/o son. He needs YOU. HE is your priority, and NOT MIL. She is on the path to self-destruction by her own choice -- why get in the way of that? She's competent to make her own decisions, as all the professionals keep telling you.
And YOU are competent to make YOUR own decisions. Think of your son.
As for my son... no I don't vent to him. I sit down and ask him how he feels, if anything is bothering him, and what he wants. I raised my son with honesty. He doesn't care if it's going to hurt your feelings so he tells it like it is. I introduced him to the real world from the beginning with no safe spaces and to tell the truth. Yes it upsets him this whole situation. He point blank told me that me and my husband will go into a home but visit because he's not going to do all this. I told him that's what he should do and that I would never expect him to do what I'm doing for me because I want him to live his life. My husband told him the same. Yes the situation upsets my son but he does understand. I try the best I can to keep his life as normal as possible even though it's not but I allow his friends over everyday to go swimming and play and even stay the night. Their parents help by taking him places and even to his boy scouts when I can't. She tries to boss him around and tell him what to do and be quite when he's loud but I told him prior to her coming here to not change anything and just ignore her so he tells her no and walks away. She yells at my dogs and cats but they ignore her too. Lol
Anyway again thanks for everything. I appreciate everyone's bluntness and no offense was taken. I've always been a true believer in telling it like it is and being honest even if people aren't going to like it. So again thank you all.
Have a good trip; don't let ANYTHING deter you from this.
We understand that this is a toxic situation. Reading your reactions to our advice, we also understand that you will not take the drastic measures needed to put your family back together. The advice to bring her back to her own home and call APS at this point is what you need to do. Flapping and doodling about all the nasty things you have to do, including the finances is ok, that’s what we are here for. But if you don’t take our advice there isn’t much we can do to help. And if I were your husband I would never have taken on the responsibilities of being POA.
As for me making excuses... sounds like it but nope. That's how the system works here. Take it or leave it... believe it or don't. That's your right. I didn't come here for pity or to be called a liar in a round about way. I came for guidance but I've realized over the past few years that most people nowadays prefer to judge and only believe what they feel is true even when the truth is right in front of them they'll still call it fake. Hey that's the world we live in now.
I think you are being overly judgemental about the responses you are getting. If you believe that we are only offering pity or accusations, and that that is the way the world is, why did you come here?
You came for guidance. You came saying, "I'm miserable. My house is no longer my home. I'm just a slave in my own home."
Have you found any guidance whatsoever in any of our responses?
Can you point that post out to me so that I can report it?
And we're not pretending the escape routes are easy, either. But even if changing things is hard work, it's still going to be better than leaving it be, isn't it?
"So you're paying off her debts to keep the brother and his wife happy and make sure they get something in the end? Really? "
Please do tell where I said anything about making sure they get something and trying to make them happy because nowhere did I say that. They don't deserve anything because they aren't helping at all and didn't visit her in the hospital or even after she got here. They're just mad at my husband for not putting her in a home and not washing his hands of her.
Dysfunctional? What family isn't. Either I'm exaggerating and trying to make things sound perfect or we're dysfunctional. Which is it because it can't be both? I'll go with dysfunctional because his family was dysfunctional long before I became part of it. Hell... my family is dysfunctional but it doesn't mean we all need to go to a family counselor. I'm pretty sure that many on this site don't have a perfect life and have some dysfunction in their lives or they wouldn't be here looking for advice.
I'm glad your getting away with your little guy. I have three sons and they are an absolute blast and always have been. Their now 31, 29, 20. Enjoy your vacation. Don't take everything you're hearing here to heart. Take what you need and leave the rest. It's just not worth the effort to defend yourself. No one thinks you're a liar. If anything your rigorously honest.....Who admits they scratch MIL's crotch.
Hey, one good thing about hubs caring for her, he'll either rig up a long stick with a fork duct taped to the end or hand her the broom......no more coochie scratching for you!
(You smile here) 😁
WE are trying to give you ideas about how to get out of this mess.
And yes, why didn't your husband move her into nursing home?
Your situation sounds not only very stressful for you but emotionally draining on a constant basis. Definitely not a healthy environment for you, especially with your disability to manage.
I'm not sure if you've considered getting a bedside commode or one to use in bed. When my mom could not get out of bed without help, the biggest problem was constant bathroom trips. She could barely walk too. The bedside commode was like a godsend and she liked it too - not having to hobble to the bathroom. There was also a ‘bed’ option which was easier that trying to get her elevated, out of bed safe, then lift back into bed,...
She wants to go home ... Something that the nurses and others keep telling me is that the quality of life - the way my mom wants to live out whatever time is left - is more important than the quantity. There is something about being in her home that she needs - if you can figure out what that is and bring that into your home - she may be happier. Or not. She may not be able to let go of what she sees as independence in her own home. She hasn't accepted that she needs someone to help her all the time - not really accepted it in her soul. She may see herself getting better at some point and wants to be in her home. She may want the privacy of being in her home and to her, it's not a mess, it's the way she wants it. We may not agree, we may want her to have a clean/neat home without strangers coming in and to have what we perceive as good quality of life but what we think of as 'quality' may not be the same as hers.
My mom (90 yo) is an extreme fall risk - she has COPD, CHF and severe vascular problems with both legs making her very unstable on her feet. It was like fighting a tiger to move her to AL but at one doctor's visit, the doctor said she should be in AL because of her fall risk and she finally started considering it. We moved her before she could change her mind. We pay for increased care so she has help with getting out of bed, showering, etc. but she will not call for help. She insists on doing it herself even though she can barely get herself out of bed and the risk of fall (and death) are significant. She's been found slumped onto the side of the bed because she's stuck and doesn't have the strength to get 'unstuck'. She won't call anyone to help her in the shower. She'll refuse meds because she doesn't like how they make her feel. She refuses to eat regularly because she's not hungry. All these 'independent' decisions are more important to her than living longer or sacrificing her privacy (bathroom/showering) or her ability to live the way she wants to. It may be the same for your MIL. She wants to be home - let her live the way she wants. It's not the way you or your husband think she should live but it's still her choice and she accepts the consequences. I don't have any suggestions regarding the money situation but maybe move all her valuable stuff somewhere else so she knows she still has these but those are not accessible to anyone she brings into her house to help her?
Thank goodness you're getting some time away!
I am 5ft tall with no upper body strength. I would not be able to do what u do. Just found out I have a bulging disc which I think started in 2016 just after I cared for Mom. Looks like you have set some boundries but I just wonder if Mom can do more than she is letting you believe. I can just see one of my Aunts being like this.
Just a question? Why $500 a week for groceries just for her? Hopefully, you can now use her money towards her care. You may need some professional help with her debts, especially owing back taxes. First her cards need to be froze. I think consolidating is a good idea. A pro can get the amounts owed down except maybe for taxes. The loan will pay the creditors and then there will be just one payment. Or, bankruptcy. If she owes property taxes, she could lose her house for that alone. Office of the aging maybe able to give you a name of a Credit professional.
You don't say how old your son is? Even though he understands, doesn't mean it doesn't effect him in some way. My MIL was passive agressive. A sweet lady people thought but nasty when she didn't get her way. Only her DILs saw this side of her because her boys would just do what she asked or "yes Mom". She had a sickness and we were told she did this as a child, lie. Always, to get her out of situations she had lied herself into or lie to get out of something she didn't want to do. She took on other peoples sicknesses as her own. An Aunt had glocoma, so did she. A friend had breast cancer. I get a call from SIL asking why I didn't tell them MIL had BC. Because, she doesn't. She lied to her own son so he would take a two day trip to come home for Christmas. My husband called them exaggerations, but I think he knew his Mom. I have never lied to my husband even by omission. Because I know if I did and he found out, he would never believe me again. This stems from being raised by his Mom. Your son said you would go into a home because he would not take care of you after watching the way Gma treats you. Do you think he will be a compassionate person? I hope so but someone like ur MIL would turn me off to helping people. He may end up a cynicle person when it comes to people and their limitations. We all are a product of our growing up years.
As I have said here before, not big on Social Workers. They don't look out of the box. I had one who couldn't understand why I couldn't put a ramp out Moms door from her living area. Tried to explain the stairs go up to get out. Her room was the lower part of my split level. Half of the room is underground. So the stairs come up out of a well sort of thing. Like someone who has an outside cellar door. She never got it. Just one of my experiences. They never see your side, why it can't be done.
You are not the only one, it seems, that is in your situation. And I think that MIL does have some mental issues. Giving away her money. Expecting someone, who she can see physically can't care for her, to do everything for her. Strokes could leave her with cognitive problems. Does she see a neurologist? I guess the problem would be getting her there. She wants to go home but won't do anything to expedite it? Like someone else has said on this forum "what about the health and finances of the caregiver?"
Sorry, we couldn't help. There is the Baker act but it may not pertain to MIL. I think they have to be a danger to themselves or others. Or not have the ability to make informed decisions. One thing I would do is get some weight off her. I know, believe me I do, that this will not be easy. For starters, cut out or down carbs and sugars. I just cut out Bagels and lost 4 lbs. They have 150 carbs in them and 200 is your daily requirement. Being sedentary she doesn't need many calories daily. There is a diabetic medication that you can lose weight by cutting out carbs. A friend lost 30lbs the first month. Once she loses maybe she will be able to get up and walk around. This is just a suggestion. I deal with a nephew that will not stop eating. Is 250 on a 5ft 6 frame and thats if he stands straight. The weight is going to cause problems with the 4 rods he has in his back plus his physical problems. But does he care, no. He is 28 and has been told he willdie an early death if he doesn't do something. Does he care, no. But he has a neurological problem that effects how he reasons. So, I make my point and then say no more. Love him, but he will not live with me. I cared for Mom, next will be my DH and that is it.
So true. I need to figure out earlier who the "poor me, ain't it awful, yes but" posters are, too. I'm not one for dispensing tea and sympathy to the ones who, for whatever reason, just won't make the changes necessary to improve their situation.
Since she is obviously there to stay (since you are hitting brick walls in all directions), you have to adjust your thinking in dealing with her. Your husband is POA. His only responsibility is for her finances AFTER he was made POA. She blew through wads of money - not his responsibility and siblings need to know that. He needs to keep all receipts and ledgers accounting for her money that he spends now.
Get a hospital bed. Get a Hill-Rom hospital bed if you can find a used one. It tilts in all directions, making it much easier to turn her. Use HER money to pay for it. Check Craigslist for a lift. Use that too. You must protect your back.
Get a bedside commode. Keep it right next to her chair during the day and next to the bed at night. Control the water pill times. Don't give her one at night. Things HAVE to be adjusted so that you can get some sleep. You cannot continue on 4 hours of light sleep.
I would also sedate her at night - Ativan at a minimum. Get her doctor to prescribe something. Tell the doctor she is loud, combative and up all night every night.
Get a waterproof vinyl recliner chair for her (lift chair if you can find one on Craigslist). This is HER chair. Do not let her sit on any other furniture. If there is room in her bedroom for this chair and a TV, keep her in the bedroom. I would not have her dominating and peeing in the living room.
Get her some of those snap front house dresses also called dusters. That is her new wardrobe. Easy on and off.
Set her up with Home Health Care PT. She may need to be evaluated by her doctor for this. So be it. She needs it. I know from dealing with my aunt that she will NOT do the exercises without someone coming in and forcing her to do it.
Spend her money. Hire someone to come in for a minimum of 2 hours daily to get her up, showered and dressed. You can use that time for yourself - grocery shopping, running errands or even getting a short nap.
Control her diet. Do not give in to the screams for ice cream and cheeseburgers or whatever she wants. Research geriatric nutrition and weight loss. Give her healthy LOW carb, low sugar meals. You will probably get the most push back on this, but you need to grow a spine and stand firm.
Get her one of those emergency call buttons. Get the one worn on a wrist.
Get her a blue tooth speaker to put by her chair and one for her nightstand for TV watching OR get her earbuds or headphones. If she refuses to use any of that and insists on continuing to blare the TV, unplug the TV at night. What is she going to do, get out of bed and go plug it back in? After a couple of nights of this, she will see you mean business.
Lay down the law! Once she is clean and in her recliner with remote in hand, fed, meds taken, clean diaper, make it clear you are OFF limits to her for a minimum of an hour. Fasten the remote to the arm of her chair with a velcro strip so that it does not fall.
Put in ear plugs so you don't have to hear her yelling for you to step and fetch. Leave the house for an hour or two. If she makes the poor decision to get up and fall, she may end up back in the hospital and you now know to send her straight to SNF after that. Let her know if she decides to get up and fall, that is what will happen.
There is no law that I'm aware of that can force you to be held prisoner and slave in your home to an elderly person. She could just as easily fall, strangle on liquid, have a heart attack, etc. with you in the next room. If she is immobile, she is not going to wander off. Obviously you don't want to leave her alone all day, but you CAN leave the house some. It is a different story when you are dealing with a highly mobile dementia patient who wanders off.
Scratching her private parts for her?! Oh HELLLLLL NO! So much no! Get her a long handled back scratcher and tell her to knock herself out.
And tell her to learn how to scratch her own butt.
According to Misery, her son DOES have friends over to swim and play: "I try the best I can to keep his life as normal as possible even though it's not but I allow his friends over everyday to go swimming and play and even stay the night."
I hope these kids are being supervised while they are swimming...
As a 10-13 year old girl who lived with my grandmother from 18 mos to 7 yr old, I was devastated that my grandmother - who was really my lovey Mommy, (my maternal mthr was and is a horrible person) - was in dementia. She would do anything for me, dressing, washing up, eating when it got to that point. I loved her so much and I was so sad. Mthr, the hoarder, could not let my grandmother go, so I was called on to do much more than sit and visit an hour a week. It got to the point where grandmother had to be spoon fed baby food, and I felt very responsible to get the food into her lest she die. She did die, for a wrong medication overdose, but I internalized it and really felt I could have prevented it. The year after, I wrote the darkest poems of my life and really showed signs of childhood depression which I can tell you was close to the edge. Please don't let your child get involved in your elder's care.
My mistake. I thought you asked for advice because you no longer wanted to do this. No need to insult or swear.
But DO get her a neuropsych evaluation. It WILL show that she's incompetent.
You said you'd been advised that "we'd be held liable". Did you consult an eldercare attorney? Or are you relying on a social worker who tells you that? " Not at risk" because you're there to care for her"? And you didn't say " no, I cant, I'm going to school, there will be no one here"?
You mentioned how you couldn't get child support if you left, because husband would have to care for her.
Well, that suggested to me that you had at least considered leaving. I think it's an option. Not the only one, certainly. But it appears to be a scary one to you.
So don't do it. Work with an eldercare attorney on how to get her into a facility.