I’m debating whether to take my mom home with me or put her into an assisted living. Advice?

Not sure what her financial situation is or yours but would you be able to move into your moms home? She could qualify for community medicaid(at home care) - there is a 2 yr lookback on assets and income has to be below a certain amount ie $900 something per month but you can do spend down which will allow her to spend the excess income on anything related to her care or home or wellbeing.....If you sell her home, then all that money will not be protected from medicaid but you could use it for montly ASL. I moved in with my 90 yr old mother 3 yrs ago to help her...its getting increasingly challenging but she has medicaid and when the time comes, will get home aides to help me....we are doing income spenddown. I still own my own apartment but it sits empty - perhaps you can rent your home?


Medicaid cannot take your home if you live in it and your home equity interest is under a specified value. In other words, it will not count towards Medicaid's asset limit, which in most states is $2,000. Home equity interest is the value of your home in which you outright own. and

I think it depends on how well you would be able to monitor her care at home (if you work outside the home). IF you can get caregivers who are reliable, and you can interact with them sufficiently to feel comfortable with what they are doing with your Mom, then I would vote without ANY reservation that she remain at home with you. My sister, with ALZ, lived with us for almost 4 years. She spent about 3 weeks in a memory care facility towards the very end (before we brought her home again for 3 weeks of hospice care), and they were the WORST three weeks of those 4 years. She was in a small, 100% self-pay facility which, like many other facilities, is having trouble recruiting and retaining good staff. The older staff members were great but the younger ones were on their phones and watching TV with patients plopped in front of the TV with them. I looked long and hard and this was one of the best options in the area. I should have just kept her home and gotten 24 hour care rather than the 14 hour care, 7 days a week, I did have. But, of course, that is in hindsight. I had no idea that she would pass so soon after we made the placement. P.S. I still wonder if these two events were linked, i.e., whether my sister got the seizure meds she was supposed to get and at the right times!

You may be able to get an hour with an elder care attorney.
The ones charging $10,000 up front are charging for an entire document package-you might not need.

Read some legal articles here on AgingCare, get informed.

You might benefit from a consultation with a Geriatric Coordinator.

San42756: If she goes into an assisted living, SHE will self pay with her own financials. When her funds run out, she will then apply for Medicaid and move into a skilled nursing facility.
However, your profile states that your mother suffers from dementia. As such, perhaps she requires a memory care facility.

You can't afford not to meet with an Elder Law Attorney who can explain what happens when Mom runs out of money: I think it's called Medicaid. It is best to be her daughter and a comforting friend rather than becoming her caretaker which can sap all your energy and make you resentful. No one wants to resent their parents, but there are tons of people here, who do.
Read and learn.

I have learned a lot by reading these shares on here and it has inspired me to take care of my own business and financial requirements. I am meeting with an Elder Law Attorney and an Estate attorney who can complete all financial transactions. I don't want my kids to only remember me in diapers or ill-tempered because I might become incapacitated: I want to die before I ever need them to bathe me.......hell no.

You've gotten a lot of answers already, but my thinking is that you should calmly take a few steps that include, 1. having one or more realtors come to give you an idea of the value of your mother's home, and go ahead and make the plans to list the house, and 2., on the basis of this home value, you can estimate how much your mother will get when it sells and think about that as you tour and price assisted living facilities. As others have said, you'll be best off going to facilities that allow residents to transfer to Memory Care within the facility rather than having to look for a whole new place should your mom need memory care. I would not worry too much about getting a Medicaid placement at this point when your mother will certainly have some money from the sale of her home that will need to be spent before she could apply for Medicaid. At that time, should she outlive those savings, a social worker would help you apply and also find a place. Not-for-profit facilities tend to be more willing to keep people on if they run out of funds, but otherwise, your mother would need to move to a skilled care or memory care facility that takes Medicaid. Since your mother has only mild dementia and is willing to move to an Assisted Living, this is the right time to do this and involve her at least in the final couple of choices that you believe are decent. Good luck!

You should look for in home care for her! We have a program here called IRIS that can help with financial needs and care for her right in her own home. If you prefer she move to your home that would be all right too. She can choose anyone, including family as caregivers and IRIS will pay for them.

Please DO NOT put her in a nursing home! The abuse and neglect is terrible.

Your profile says you are already tired from what you are doing for your mother now. It's a bonus that she is willing to go to Assisted Living and not fighting you about that. If it is a CC facility, it would seem the best solution b/c she could move into whatever care level she required if her needs changed. I am not conversant with the ins and outs of Medicaid, but I thought if your mother's resources were spent down to Medicaid qualifying levels, the Medicaid would help pay for her care. Would she be able to stay in the facility you would like to choose for her if her financing changed?
If you are experiencing exhaustion and frustration with her care already, moving her into your home will only accelerate your Burn Out and seems like a Poor Option.

I promised my mom she could stay in her home as long as she was safe and healthy. Her ALZ/dementia progressed to the point we had caregivers come during the day and I tried to take evenings while still working 40+ hours a week. She then progressed to needing care for longer periods and at $22+ per hour, it became expensive quickly to extend the caregiver hours. She hated having strangers in her house as well.
I stayed completely exhausted and wracked with worry that something would happen during the few hour gap no one was there. After visiting several AL facilities, including a couple with Memory care on the other side, we decided on an AL facility with Levels of Care pricing. It is awesome so far! Great meals, laundry, cleaning, tons of activities and a weekly outing. I’ve met most of the aides, medication aides, dietary aides, Activity Director. I made it a point to build good relationships with all that come into contact with her. She is at mid stage ALZ and needs medication management and reminders to go down to meals, bathe, etc. so she is at Level 1 Care.
When she gets to the point she can no longer feed herself or get out of bed, she will need to move, but for now she has 4 more stages of care open to move through. She does have a LTC policy which pays $3000 a month so with that, SS and dad’s pension we are EXTREMELY lucky and thankful for the financial planner they worked with over the years years.
I still visit her every day, take her on outings, manage her finances, multiple doctor appts, check on her eating, taking care of her house until it’s sold, etc (just saying there’s still a lot of time involved even with her in AL) but it’s LOADS off my mind knowing someone has eyes on her 24/7, makes sure she eats, takes her meds, etc. It truly is a 24/7/365 task, even with outside help to manage, when they move in with you in your house or you attempt to allow them to stay in their own home. I love my mom without measure! But I felt it was best for her and for myself that she move to AL. She’s still adjusting, some bad days and some good days, but I know in my heart this was the right move for both of us. Everyone has to make their own decision as to what’s right, not just for their loved one, but for them and their family also.

Answered Jan 16, 2022
Decisions around caregiving: If you could go back in time and could put your loved one in a facility, would you do it?
Until nursing home assisted living make their facilities safety has or will change, I would not recommend seniors to go there. For the reason listed below.
COVID-19 tore through long-term care facilities across the country, accounting for a third of coronavirus deaths during the first year of the pandemic. Tragic tales of deaths due to problems with testing, personal protective equipment and infection control emerged at state veterans’ homes in Massachusetts, New Jersey, and Texas.
The inspector general’s report on the VA Illiana Health Care System in Danville is the first to publicly detail extensive breakdowns at a facility operated by the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs. The agency runs a system of 134 nursing homes that serve roughly 9,000 veterans a day across 46 states, the District of C
An examination by the Government Accountability Office in June found there were 3,944 cases and 327 deaths among residents of VA nursing homes from March 2020 through mid-February. The cumulative case rate among residents was 17% and the death rate was 1%.
Those numbers are miniscule compared to nursing homes nationwide, where researchers estimate there were 592,629 cases and 118,335 deaths last year. The death rate among long-term care residents as of March was 8%, according to the COVID Tracking Project see less

Put her into SNF &’they will apply for Medicaid hug’s 🤗

I can’t answer the facility questions because my parents both moved into my home.

There are no wrong answers - this is a decision fir what works best for for you and your mom.

It sounds like you were asking the group whether it is possible to take care of your mom at home. That is my wheelhouse. Both my parents lived with me until the end of their lives and I feel that was the right decision for my family. It is definately possible. Not easy, but I wouldn’t give up the memories (even of the hardest days). This was a great experience for my children (they had to sacrifice too) and they look back on this experience lovingly.

I’m just writing to say this is an option if it seems to work best for you.

Beware of taking her into your home because as she ages and her dementia increases she will need more and more care. This will take up more and more of your time and energy so you need to envison how this will impact your own family life. Check out this forum for statement from loving family members who are suffering burn out from caregiving in their homes. That being said each person must make their own decision based on their situations and belief. Yes, there are bad facilities and there are also very good facilities - just as there are with everything else in the world. If you chose to bring her home.... make sure you have the following even though she may not need them now: grab bars in bathroom by toilet and tub/shower; lighten on stairways; doorways that can accomodate walker/ wheelchair and a turn radius (can you tell I just went to a seminar on this??); an accomodating access to your house ( this means no steps -- typically a ramp and portable thresholds for interior doorways). Most of these modifications cost money - sometimes a lot of it- so checkout home modifications grants sites before considering them.
In terms of moving Mom to a facility do your research - get recommendations from friends and neighbors. Make visits, which may be easier now that some covid restrictions have lifted (an remember.... should we have another pandemic - facilities have to shut down to visitors to protect their residents.... will Mom be able to take that in stride?) - make at least two visits to any facility that you like. This is hard but try to locate a facility that will guarantee you a Medicaid bed when you need it. Most AL/MCs in NJ will, by law, allocate a very limited number of their total bed count to Medicaid.... that means a bed may not be available when you need and all that private pay has gone to waste. Now you have no funds and have to take placement in any facility that will accept you. A few AL/MCs will guarantee you a bed regardless of their allocation when you have been private pay for their stipulated timeframe. If you find one.... get that gurantee in writing!!I If you get up with the New York Times, you will see that CMS and the NJ state attorney are beginning to suspect that care may be better in non profit facilities; that has been my experience so you may want to look for some specifically.

If you are thinking facility and can afford it.... the best arrangement is to select a CCRC (continuing care retirement community) which has all phases of living - independent, assisted living, memory care, long term care (LTC) and short term rehab (STR) on one campus. The big drawback is the enormous entry fee, some of which may be returnable should you change your mind within a given period, (entry fee can be anywhere from 100- 190k). You still pay a monthly fee which continues to be based on the level of care in the AL and MC sections. but the food and activities (some of which are paid for separately) are usually excellent.
Try to find a facility that has MC and LTC in the same campus. The move is easier for your Mom and you get credit for having been private paying when her funds run out... but make sure the CCRC has a foundation to cover people whose funds run out.

You can also use the Medicare.gov app to check their star ratings but they will only include facilities that have LTC. Frankly having spent over 15 years in senior care I find their rating system totally confusing and for the most part they are creating that rating from a 3-5 visit from the state dept of health. Everything the state finds fault with gets corrected while they are there and then things swing back to regular. I can see a massive movement to correct some of the issues with the rating system but it will take a number of years to make the adjustment.

Whatever decision you make, be at rest that you are still taking care of her and advocating for her. Wishing you peace on this journey.

I am presently sitting in veterans’ residence. All three floors of 90 residents have been isolated in their rooms for the past month. No activities, minimal staff because many got Covid, can’t walk the halls for exercise, nothing to do but sit in front of a tv or sleep. Over half of them have Covid, a few new cases each day prolonging the isolation. At least 2 have died of Covid. Think twice before putting anyone in homes for the elderly at this point- money or no money.

From your profile, I see you have other siblings - and even if they are "absent" from her care now, they surely will be asking questions in the future. If your Mom is experiencing dementia, she will not do well in an AL facility. If she is walking around, and can toilet and feed herself, I think emotionally she is not ready for MC facility. Can you move her in with you and hire local aides for a few hours in the day? I can assure you as your Mom ages, the care she will need will be exhausting, and you will need to increase aide care in order to meet her needs and keep your sanity.
I live in NY and elder care attorneys' fees are not that high, more like 5-6K, depending on what's done. You must have a durable POA before you do anything for your mom, and since there are other siblings involved, a Will/Trust and Health Care Proxy are important, and will save you lots of stress in the future. An attorney who specializes in Medicaid requirements will guide you in setting up your Mothers finances to qualify in the future. Find a well regarded one and at least get a free consultation.

I just went through a similar situation with my Mom, who passed away 2 weeks ago at 100. Mom lived with me for two years and then spent the last 6 months of her life in AL. She also had dementia. I want to add a couple of points to the ones already expressed on this thread.

Most ALs try to keep residents out of memory care until they cannot function in their residence. Just because she has dementia, don't assume that she needs memory care yet. The facility will evaluate her. If possible, find an AL with transitional memory care.

Look around for the right assisted living facility. The big, corporate ones are just that......too big and more concerned about making money. Mom had lived in one for independent living and spent a few months in their AL. The AL was a horrible experience and we paid top dollar for very little in return. We eventually found a smaller facility that was fabulous. It was MUCH cheaper, had a lot of staff, and on top of that, they treated Mom like family. I was shocked there are actually places like that. Look around and get on social media in your area to get recommendations. That is how I found the perfect place for Mom.

And finally, when you are shopping for AL, ask them up front if they will care for your mother until the end. In Mom's case, she stayed in her own apartment and when it became necessary, hospice (paid by Medicare) was called in.

Whatever you decide to do always keep in mind that no one can make you pay for your mother's care. Demanding payment from family and intimidating them to believe that they are financially responsible for an elder's care is common practice with nursing homes and AL facilities. This kind of illegal shakedown goes on everywhere across the country. Even if you have POA, you are not responsible to pay for your mother's care out of your own funds.
I would say your best best would be to visit some AL facilities and ask them if they accept Medicaid. Don't tell them your mother's house is being sold or anything like that. Many AL facilities do accept Medicaid. I worked in a beautiful one that did.
Or you could try having your mother live with you and use hired caregivers to help out. They will be paid from the sale of her house.

Get connected with a local social worker in your mother's area who can advise you on this. They may also be able to put you in touch with pro bono attorneys. There are different types of senior facilities, some will never kick out their clients. She might want to look for a continuous care facility if she has them in her area. Then she wouldn't have to move to another place if she eventually needs assisted living, memory care or skilled nursing care.

What assisted living facility have you in mind?

I just had a quick shufti at "Continuing Care* Facilities in Rhode Island" and you've a fair few of them to choose from. Have you been to see any? Asked about funding, and figured out how many months your mother's capital (from the sale of her house) would cover at present-day prices?

The point is. Well, there are lots of points...

#1 You Are Not Alone. NOBODY knows how to handle this phase of life by instinct. I think that probably all of us feel we'd do a much better job if we only got a second shot at it, but... such is life, you only get one go :)
#2 Nothing is ever totally irrevocable, so even if you're apprehensive about any given decision there is that comforting thought that you can always amend your plan.
#3 You don't have to make all of these decisions by five to five this afternoon.
#4 You don't either have to hesitate, waiting until there is no alternative to moving your mother into residential care. The thoughts you're having about her needing a more structured environment and reducing your own workload are right and proper. She does (or will) need the structure, and you do need to reduce your workload (especially that which takes you away from your own family), and bringing her to live in your home is unlikely to be sustainable in the long run.

So: placement comes first. Once you've narrowed the choices down to a short-list of possibles, then you can crunch the numbers, see what's what, and ask direct questions such as "when my mother's money is exhausted will she be able to remain in place as a Medicaid-funded resident?"

It is a giant plus that your mother is receptive to the idea. Take some deep breaths and write a To Do list.

*Continuing Care for choice, because it should (if the facility is true to its description) make it easier to step up the level of support as her needs increase without having to move her to a new facility.

Take her money out of the equation and ask yourself if you can care for her in your home without experiencing emotional, physical and financial strain. Do you two get along? How will your and any family’s life change?

Some states have Medicaid waivers for assisted living once monies run out. Others do not. So once her money runs out she will need to move to a long term care facility that takes Medicaid. It is best not to wait until her money runs out to look for long term care. Some long term care facilities also have their own rules - like one I interviewed wanted a guarantee of two years of private pay before they would accept Medicaid.

for me the answer was clear. I could not provide care for my mother for multiple reasons including her advanced dementia that caused her to be very difficult and at time violent. She went to Assisted Living at first and now she is in a nursing home. I have managed to make her money last for over two years. She will apply for Medicaid soon. She gets excellent care and has 24/7 oversight. It is painful and stressful just dealing with her finances and overseeing her care - physical care would have been suicide for me.

Whatever you decide, if she were to need long term care in the future and need Medicaid, remember that the state will do a five year look-back as to how her personal funds were managed and spent. Take an honest look at what you need and want out of this situation. The money from her house and income is hers to spend on her care. No use trying to save her money if your life will be upended and miserable. If that is not the case and you can happily manage her living with you, then make a solid plan for that scenario with plan B and C when she declines.

With a diagnosis of dementia you would want her in Memory Care not Assisted Living.
IF you have the ability to care for her in your home that would be ideal BUT that plan can be fraught with problems. Just read any one of a dozen posts from adult children that moved mom or dad in with them or ones that moved in with mom and or dad.
The ideal situation would be an "in-law" suite but not everyone can do that.
And as mom declines she will need more and more help. And the living quarters should be "handicap accessible" , again not everyone can provide that. As she declines you will probably need more and more help, will her assets cover that as well?
Looking for Memory Care look for a place that will accept Medicaid so that when her funds do run out she will not have to move. If a facility can be sure that she will be private pay for a few years they are more likely to "find a bed" . Also look for a place that has Skilled Nursing within the same building. Many Memory Care can not use "equipment" to transfer someone the use of equipment is for SNF. It depends on the regulations in your state. (pretty sure it is a state regulated /code regulation not national)

I originally thought it was a good idea to bring mother home to live with me rather than AL.

Boy, was I wrong. :-(

I was in assisted living - first if you have any money you gotta pay outta pocket, my retirement 401k paid 5167$ a month for 9 months (I cashed out early).... it was the worst experience of my life. Oh not to mention I was paralyzed that sucked also...just imagine kids that usually would work at McDonald's being your care aids. They make the same. So your mom's LIFE is in the HANDS of A 20 year old on their phone. Seriously I wish people would understand. 20 year-old (3 per shift for 40 patients, do the math) I understand sometimes people can't help, after there was a fire I decided I would rather risk living alone taking 40 min to get dressed by myself than have some stupid company get 5k of my money

I faced the same question last year and ended up choosing AL, even though for a long time we were thinking of moving Dad in with us (and might have done that earlier, if not for COVID). Similar situation — most of his money was in his house.
The reasons I chose AL vs. having him live with us was because of a health crisis that made me very concerned about whether or not my family could maintain our life having him life with us. He is on a lot of meds, can't drive any more, can't cook for himself, and I was worried that we would not be able to do anything that wasn't dictated by his needs (my husband and I both work and we have a teenage daughter)
Ultimately, I'm very glad I chose AL. He's right down the road (versus eight states away, where his house was) so I can help him with everything from shopping to doctors appointments to just having him over for dinner. But he's not 100% my responsibility there — they help with meds, his meals are taken care of, they do his laundry and clean his space, etc. I sleep a lot better at night knowing he's going to be fine, even if my husband and I are working late.
Like you, I am concerned about the money and making sure it lasts. (Unfortunately Dad, who is starting to get dementia, is not as concerned — the money from his house is the most money he's ever had in his life, so I have to keep reminding him — this is it! We need to make it last!) I did a lot of research into how this plays out and if he gets to the point where he is starting to outlive his assets I will, prior to that point, get him into a nursing home. Nursing homes accept Medicaid, but they often have limits on the number of patients. However if you come *into* the home with assets then they can work with you on spending them down and transitioning to Medicaid. He also has a pension and SS. I think we can make AL work for the rest of his "good years" and then we will figure out next steps. The peace of mind afforded by AL is worth it, to me, to research and make sense of what we might have to do next.

In Pa.,AI and memory care facilities don't accept Medicaid.
My mom has been in memory care for 3 years. She will be 103 in a couple of weeks. Her funds will run out in the next few months. I'm thinking of bringing her
home with me and having help come in. I don't see any other suitable choice.
The care in the nursing homes that I've see is subpar. I can't do that to my mom.
I'll deal with whatever comes next.
You'll make the right decision for your mom and yourself.
Good luck.

Find a place that is decent, close as possible and that has a bed. Work out a plan where either you or paid aide can supplement her care on a daily or weekly basis. Use your energy to oversee and manage her care. Anticipate her decline and adjust accordingly. Consider hospice at the appropriate time and understand that it can be started and stopped according to her needs.

You could take her and hire help to come into bathe , clean get meals on wheels . If you have a close relationship with your mom and she is easy going and you love her I would Take her . AL isn’t much different then a nursing home . I have looked at many places wasn’t impressed by any of them . My elder attorney cost $4500 . She is 86 and if she can walk , go to the bathroom and fix a sandwich or meals on wheels then take her and hire some help to come in - if she worsens then think about Assisted living . You only have one Mother if you cherish her take care of her . Once your Mother has gone you will miss her everyday .

Loved one will not be taken care of in assisted living. Assisted living means roof over head, 3 meals available in dining room, and will give meds. Anything more is extra $ , as if they don’t charge enough.

Everyone experiences this differently. I will share my experience. My Mother was in a beautiful assisted living community but they did not offer memory care and only had a few 2 roommate medicaid apartments. She got to a point where they couldn't take care of her properly. She wanted to live with me and my husband. I did look around at other communitites that offered medicaid or the future of medicaid assistance but to be honest I couldn't put her into any of them as I knew she wouldn't be happy there. Geesh, I wouldn't be happy there. They were dirty and the residents didn't look well kept. Granted it's not easy to be a caregiver but for me the alternative was not acceptable. Take care and I wish the best.

If you are concerned about funds running out, look into facilities that take Medicaid. She would be able to apply for Medicaid when her funds run out and not have to move to another facility.