Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
1 2 3 4
So, I have 24 hour aids for my dad in the assisted living facility because he has alzheiemer's and is wheelchair bound. My mom feels bad for the AIDS and tells them they can sleep - on the job.
She also asks them to do chores for her. Last week, she told the aid to take some things from her apartment to her car, and she was going to stay with my dad. I don't know how long he was doing that, but during that time my mom left my dad alone and my wife happened to stop by and found him alone. This wasn't the first time he has left my dad, so I told his company to remove him from my dad's care. I don't know if they fired him or just reassigned him.
My mom is furious and says she doesn't want to see me. I am sort of relived but also hate all the conflict.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Ahmijoy Aug 2018
Why is your mom “furious”? If she doesn’t want to see you, that’s her problem. Your dad is enough to handle. Can you explain why Dad is in Assisted Living and not Memory Care? If you already have, I apologize. It must cost you a fortune for his care right now. Are you paying for this out of your pocket? If so, kindly explain to your mother to butt the heck out. If she can’t be part of the solution, she shouldn’t be part of the problem either. Right now she is. The Aides are your responsibility. They answer to you, not her. She doesn’t tell them what to do and if she does, they need to be told not to follow her orders or you will go to their agency.
(5)
Report
My advice is that you kindly walk away... find some legal advice on how not remove yourself from being POA and go live your life in peace....
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
AT1234 Aug 2018
As tragic as this is, it is the right answer. Personal experience here.
(1)
Report
My mother is furious because she says my dad is no longer a fall risk. This is ridiculous as he has fallen and been hospitalized twice in the past year, is in his electric scooter Hoverround all day, and move a lot in his sleep and tries to get up. I have to ensure he is safe. She says I am overreacting. In a way, it is a relief not dealing with her anymore. I will continue to help and protect my dad and ignore her objections.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Ahmijoy Aug 2018
You have to ignore her. She thinks she’s in charge but she’s not. She sounds like an annoying mosquito who keeps buzzing around your head and trying to sting you. If the medical staff where your dad is say he’s a fall risk, that trumps your mother’s opinion.

But there js one thing I’m wondering about. If your dad is in a facility, are you maybe there too much? Do you trust the staff to take care of him? It sounds like you’re there all the time. Maybe you need to step back and trust the staff there. Just my opinion.
(2)
Report
This passed Saturday night, my mother called me at 10 PM telling me she needed to go to the emergency room because she found a "lump the size of a golf ball" in her groin area. I explained to her, this was not an emergency room situation...but it was a Dr's visit and I would call first thing on Monday.

I did go to her place and took a look...There was no lump to be found. She claimed "it went down". I gave her an ice packet, two tylenol and left. Previous to this, I hadn't seen her for a month. I was staying away because it's been so toxic...I am getting physically sick from it. I am in counseling and I was advised during the last session that this is what I need to do for my own sanity.

Her call for help was a play on my time and emotions and I despise her more now than I did before it happened.

The next time this happens, I am telling her I am not in the area...and that she is to call 911 and they can deal with her.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
LynninIowa Aug 2018
please tell me why you have not changed this situation ?
If you hire the ones your Mom has ( aides ) then why are they listening to your Mom and not your directions ?
If you are tired of this have you gotten depression medication ? You are important and if you have not done this , I hope you do .
Are you a sole heir ? Is that what keeps you in the mix of life you hate ?
I suggest you get a conservator to handle the money and the issues through your local social services ? Is that something that would work for you ? If not , why ? Just trying to help you stop the insanity .Nothing will change if you don't friend .
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
I love my dad and feel a loyalty to him, and it's my mom who is making it impossible. I would like to walk away, but I just don't know if I can do it. Still, I do know I need help. I will call my doctor this week. Thanks
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Apparently a BS letter from some lawyer is now on my way. I was told that my mother actually did go see one. My wife is telling me to stay calm, but I am really pissed off. I don't want to cooperate with anything. I should just quit as POA. I just don't know if my dad would continue to get proper care. I would love for the State to tell my mother that now they are in charge.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
anonymous434963 Aug 2018
Jumary, Whoa, my friend! As I tell my husband ALL the time: "Your wife is right!" Stay calm.....
Here's the thing ... your parents have been together for a long time, right? They've known each other better than anyone else.
If your dad gave you POA instead of his wife back when he was mentally competent, then he must have believed that she wasn't as able or willing to do what he would want as you would. The only way your mom can change this is to 1) get you to relinquish your POA --and your POA document may name who your successor POA will be or may specify that YOU can name your successor POA. Or 2) prove in court that you are acting against your father's best interests. Unless you are stealing from him or keeping him from receiving medical care, she doesn't have much of an argument. What can she say? "He's getting better care than I want the old man to have"?
Be calm. If she wants a new POA for herself, you'll at least be off the hook for her desires.
You say you have hired help for your dad that she doesn't think he needs. Is she afraid they'll run out of money? If so, maybe a visit to an Elder Law attorney for some advance planning would be helpful. Maybe that's what she's doing.
Relax. Have a good weekend.
The dreaded letter may be helpful. Probably, you'll be able to explain to her lawyer, in a c-a-l-m and rational way, your position. You may even find the lawyer will be an advocate for you with your mom. Toward that end, I wouldn't start the conversation by calling the letter "BS." Perhaps you can explain that your mom seems to be misunderstanding your dad's needs, and you're doing the best you can to honor your dad's wishes, which he evidently didn't entrust to her, for good reason.
If you want, perhaps you can contact the local Agency on Aging to have an independent assessment done to recommend whether or not he needs in-home care with constant monitoring. Could you and your mom agree to accept an outside professional's opinion?
You can legally walk away, leaving your dad's care to someone else. You can fight with your mom. Or you can try to be a steady partner for her in this effort. She's going through a bad time that she wasn't prepared for, too. You need to pick one of these choices and live with it. It would be good to talk with your wife or pastor or a therapist about it.
As a wise person once told me, "There's no right or wrong decision to be made in this--there's just a decision to be made." You make it, then you go on. You may in the future regret the decision, but you remember that you did the best you could at the time. That's the best we can do.
(6)
Report
Just about there. After weeks of running my ass off trying to get paperwork together to get my mother on Medicaid and into a nursing home without any help or interest from my father he actually had the balls to suggest that my sister move into the spare bedroom (computer/junk room) after she fell and broke her ankle. My sister is a blight on humanity. This will NOT happen! She comes in I go out!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Nolapam Sep 2018
It is a thankless job. My mom called me idiot and stupid and fights when I try to clean her. But her children are no where around but took all the money. Some are now visiting a few times a week for lunch but she has stopped talking or watching TV. The ones that do the most are the least favored. take care of yourself do it because mom will need more and more and so will dad. It is beyond a full time job.
(3)
Report
Does anyone else here see the pattern of chaos, confusion, discontent, heartache etc...? We are not prepared as human beings to deal with aging parents...Bottom line...
Our parents were the last generation that needed to worry about this with their parents. This is new for all of us. Yes, we can thank modern medicine, technology etc for extending our lives but at what cost?
I have been following this message board, speaking to friends my age with parent who are still around...speaking to other people my age who had to walk down this road with an aging parent who has since passed...and I'm currently dealing with my own particularly dreadful situation with my mother.
I don't know about all of you...but I am fried. I am now paying out of pocket for counseling because I need yet another outlet to deal with all of this.
If I am learning anything, it is that I will not be this type of burden to my children. I've made that very clear to them now. I am doing my best to take care of myself...and hopefully, down the road, the transition for that part of my life will be easier than what I am going through now.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report
CaregiverL Sep 2018
Me too...I tell my brother if I get like Mom, (dementia & 91, & needs help w everything, combative at times, etc) then take me on a cruise & throw me overboard the last night of the cruise. I don’t want ANYONE to have to wipe my tuchus...😰
(3)
Report
See 1 more reply
I think a lot of our problem is that we have changed our role from being the child into being the caretaker and those dynamics are very difficult, if not
impossible, to reconcile. I cannot fulfill my child role because I am the caregiver and I cannot fulfill my caregiver role because I am the child. So
we feel defeated in both roles. I would suppose it is just as difficult for the
parent to have lost the child relationship because the child is now the caretaker. The parent does not have the disconnected caretaker because the
caretaker is their child. I do not have all the answers but I do know that
half of the solution is discovering the real problem. Hopefully this clue will
help us all come to a better relationship with our loved one.
Now I can trust Jesus to show me how to get this together. Blessings as
you all are trying so hard to make it work.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Set your boundaries and stick to them!!!!! You have a right to peace and sanity!!!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I know exactly what you are saying. Burnout. I am there with you.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

1 2 3 4
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter