Instead I was drawn deeper & deeper into her negative energy vortex! After 2yrs of sharing my "mama drama" with friends & a talk therapist I got mother moved into an assisted living facility. It's been 2 weeks. This past weekend there was some issues at the facility following a snow storm. I went over to assess the situation & was again sucked into her drama. Her issues DO have some warrant but I am DONE being my mother's rescuer. She insists on paying her own bills, managing her own meds & demands (to me) that she should be treated like the adult she is. I told her that she needs to speak up & express her feelings & her needs to the staff & even the director. If she didn't get a satisfactory response that she should file a grievance with the owners of the company & possibly call the department of aging. When I spoke to the director she told me that my mother was one of the most congenial & humorous residents during the upheaval the power outage caused. I shared some of my mother's concerns with her. She said my mother never mentioned anything of what I told her. That it sounds like she "saved it all for me." All this happened the day AFTER I went to my therapy appt. I was very optimistic & shared with my talk therapist that I felt at peace & less burdened. I also shared with her that I was reading a book about adult children of borderline personality parents. Don't know if mother really has that diagnosis (as with all her business, she keeps her business to herself) but it sure reads like she does. Anyway, my goal is to try to understand ultimately what makes me tick so I can be a better & happy person. My therapist said to stop trying to put labels on mother or myself & "be happy & live in the moment." All that sense of peace & contentment went straight out the window when I realized that I'd allowed myself to get sucked back into the "mama drama." I want to resign as my mother's daughter/rescuer/caregiver/confidant. I need to add that I am an only child. All our family (my mother's brother & his family) live 600 miles away. How do I disentangle myself from all this? We have never been that close. There has been alot of emotional neglect on her part, alot of dirty water has run under the bridge of our relationship. Her brother & his wife (my aunt) took me in numerous times during my childhood when my mother would be going thru her issues. HELP!!!
We said "mom, you have staff to do that. We come to visit, not to do the chores". When she balked, at told her that at $5000 a month, the staff d@mn well better do the simple things that needed doing.
You have a relationship with your mom that is based on drama. Changing your habits and hers is not going to be easy. The only one who you can change is YOU.
Have a script handy for phone calls. "No mom, I couldn't possibly do that". "No mom, I have other plans". "No mom, you call the staff for that". Practice in front of the mirror.
In person, if your mother starts in, get up and say, "I see that you're not feeling happy right now. I'll come back another time". And leave.
If she doesn't have dementia, she might actually learn from this; if she DOES have dementia, at least you won't be subjected to the negative vortex. It takes two to swirl.
Continue with the therapist. Listen to her! Think it over and decide whether what she says makes sense to you.
It is VERY encouraging that she isn't a troublemaker or noncooperative in the ALF. It is terrible, of course, that she saves that for you. Detaching more from her might help. She has only been there 2 weeks. It can take a few months to really settle in. You've told her that she can handle these kinds of complaints herself. Now let her.
It is very useful to try to figure out what 's wrong with someone whose behavior has deeply affected you. Reading books, articles and websites has helped me vastly more than counseling to understand my personality-disordered parents, that what they did wasn't my fault and how to protect myself from them. Self-study provide access to the best counselors and knowledge for free and while sitting in your comfortable chair.
Your mother was so messed up that you had to go live with relatives, so something is definitely the matter with her. You are justified in backing away from her. She won't care a whit anyways.
Please protect yourself as you would your child or pet from now on.
For better or worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer - family is still family.
Be true to yourself but there is only so much distance you can put between yourself and your mother, regardless of what your therapist says.
Some days, you just want to spit over having to deal with them. Let yourself vent, and move on. Do more things for yourself now. Love is a ‘many splendored thing’ indeed! We show caring where we don’t really feel affection, it’s a proud thing to do. You are in control, don’t forget that. And you will always decide to protect her. Me, I’d rather she were rude to me vs. the people in the home so they don’t kick her out. ;) Good luck, and a big hug to you!
And I like the suggestions, of dealing with support, friendly but not getting sucked into being the "fixer". Answer, "good idea, Mom, write that on your list for them." And change the subject. Decide for YOU how often you want to visit, and make that a schedule, like twice during the week for 1 hour plus, and a longer weekend one? Making a schedule can help you work on your own life, and also get her used to not expecting you all the time. If she calls you often, let phone stay on answser.
I took care of disabled brother for his adult life, I was the fix it person. I didn't mind, in that I found it all valuable and interesting, and AlAnon taught me the value of detachment, that I can help but not be responsible for results, and it's important to detach. Fact is, I did not know how to have meaning and plan my time and even career focus. I'm learning now, thru Underearners Anonymous! It's not easy or instant to be good at building one's own life. I'm glad I worked in elder care for other seniors, gave me perspective and support. My brother has been in nursing home 10 years now, but on the Res Care (independent) end until two weeks ago with a crisis. There were up and down periods, but mostly up, as he needed the extra care and got used to it. Hang in there, go easy on yourself!
The right thing to do is to be her daughter —do the things she cannot, but get some good gel on setting boundaries because she is going to need more and more legitimate help and her demands will suck the life out of you and absorb your life into hers. If this sounds daunting—it is. Get professional advice —learn to set your own boundaries and stick to them, kindly but firmly. If it doesn’t work and you’re at your wits end, take some time off. She has a whole staff looking out for her needs you do not.
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