Unfortunately, my now-ex has STILL not found placement and I'm nearly at the end of my rope. I spent the week before last completing an application for a memory care facility for him, complete with healthcare and financial POA, and no word back yet. Losing hope on that one. And there's nothing else on the horizon.
My landlady checked in with me as to when we'll be out, and when I told her the lay of the land, she said she would hold out but will have to raise the rent starting January. I
I had the ex's car towed to a repair shop for a new battery so that we can sell it, only to discover the engine is shot. It would cost more than the car is even worth to replace it, so I had to go to ex's credit union, tell them about the car and stop the auto-pay on the car payment. Then have to have it towed back here and wait out the repossession process. Which will take months, apparently.
I applied to my credit union for a home loan and was miraculously approved. I don't know whether I can find anything in my price range, but all I can do is try. Rents are outrageous and if I'm going to pay that much, I want a home of my own that no one but the credit union can take away from me!
I called his daughter in another state and she immediately came up, mostly to support me, as she hasn't had the best relationship with her dad. She's helping to make calls to his social worker and hospice about finding some placement somewhere for him, and she's going to help me clear the house of his stuff. There is absolutely no chance she will take him in, so that's off the table.
At this point, I'm facing getting my own place, God willing, and moving out as soon as I'm able and if he's not placed yet ... I guess I'll have to call APS. I hate to do this, but I'm up against the wall now. I'm going to end up hospitalized myself if this doesn't end soon.
Ex now thinks there's "another girl" living in the house with us, and it's apparently me. He asks me if Gayle (me) came in late last night, or if she's staying somewhere else tonight. I tell him she's housesitting and that satisfies him. The other night he said, "Is Gayle looking after the cats again tonight?" I guess cat-sitting is part of Gayle's housesitting gig! I have no idea who he thinks I am.
He barely eats, except sweets, ice cream and crackers. He started sleeping during the day and staying up all night, then switched it back again. His mobility was already shot and is only getting worse because he's sitting or lying down whenever he's awake. He had diarrhea three nights running, but mostly managed it on his own although I had to clean the bathroom. His stomach is queasy and he vomits off and on. I leave his showers and shaves to the CNAs and sometimes he'll allow them to help him and sometimes not. He won't allow them or me to make meals for him. Hospice is concerned about his relentless weight loss.
I took on a second job for the holiday season, so am out some evenings. It's helping me to keep my sanity. I'm just trying to get over the hump of guilt at my increasing realization that I have to get out to save myself. I never thought it would take so long to get him into a bed somewhere safe, getting the care he needs. I never want to see or hear of him again once this is over, but I do feel for him as a human being. I don't want to move out and leave him, but I can't stay here endlessly paying higher rent and untangling all these problems he has. If push comes to shove, how do I live with myself if I have to walk away? How do I absolve myself of the guilt I know I'm going to feel? I was told leaving him to the state would be a terrible thing to do to him. But if that's the only way to keep my from being swallowed by a depression I'll never get out of, I have to. I think I've done the best that I can - it's not my fault there are no beds. What else can I do???
I sent a letter/package to the Yountville VA Home nearby, asking them to provide the criteria they used to accept my Ex, yet categorized him as placement in SNF? When he is ambulatory, can eat, dress, bathe and toilet himself fine? WTF? I hope the Admissions Dept. enjoys the bomb I dropped on them....
I gave them copies of past year portal medical info, his current DX of Mild Cognitive (3 different doctors), and copies of Calif. State laws regarding placement of patients in facilities to not confuse "Dementia" with "Mild Cognitive."
I'm not morally or legally obligated to house him anyway, since we divorced in 1995! I expected maybe 3-5 months wait (per their website), NOT 27 months.
He has surgery tomorrow. I spent the past week taking him to Covid and lab tests, to two EKGs, 2 Pre-Op meetings, and to his Primary for his release for surgery.
I'm happy I get a day off since they are keeping him overnight.
I'm thinking and praying for you, Sistah!
I GET YOU. Remember...they are an EX HUSBAND for a reason! I felt sorry for his bad situation, and spent the last 2 years in both VA and civilian medical centers to get him diagnosed. The VA doctors made him medical Status 4 ("catastrophically disabled") just eliminate his VA medical co-pays? He is NOT "catastrophically disabled" whatsoever! Despite him doing most all his ADLs (ambulate, eat, dress, bathe, toilet himself), in California they have LAWS about "dementia vs mild cognitive impairment" for ALL senior care facilities. Somehow the dirty word "dementia" was written by one VA doctor somewhere, branding him to be accepted into a Cal Vet SNF? The VA did a CT Scan in 2022, saying "No Alz, PD, Vascular, tumor, or anuerisms." Yet they say he can only go into a SNF?? He is not bedridden, in a wheelchair, incontinent, does his laundry, drives, eats and even prepares simple foods. All he "needs" is med reminders, transportation and his bills paid, which I already do. He sold his junk car and can't afford another one.
The civilian PCP and Endocrinologist discovered (with a battery of tests) he had a bad parathyroid gland, dumping excess calcium into his blood, causing kidney disease, osteoporosis, lethargy, weakness and irritability! He has surgery scheduled next month to remove the bad parathyroid gland and cure his excess calcium problem. He has only $1800 Social Security and no VA as income. He can't afford AL in California at their sky high prices. Renting a room in a house here runs $1600, without food, transportation or utilities!
I still have to get him a place to live...other than my home! He tends to be a stubborn handful, why I divorced him. I only expected a 3 month wait, yet a CalVet SNF has 5 YEAR wait??? I may have to sell my home to get him out of here, which is not fair to me at all.
He was forced to go to Vietnam in 1969, or go to jail. They don't help the vets at all, especially the COMBAT VETS. The VA medical is terrible, compared to Medicare civilian doctors!! I have seen the difference myself the past 2 years, and stunned how bad it really is. I'm an Army Brat, with my Dad a Colonel. Both my parents are in Arlington. I grew up in the military.
I have my own health issues (hypertension) to deal with. My retirement has been ruined by stepping up for someone who had nobody. I know what you are going thru! We both have big hearts....or are FOOLS. I will feel NO GUILT getting him into a CalVet home. I've done the right thing, and 2 years is my limit. I'm turning 70 this week, and have my own plans for the rest of my life....including making sure nobody gets burdened by me later on.
I'm sick of being patient and waiting for CalVet to also DO THE RIGHT THING. I may get a lawyer next, since I have printed out 2 Board Certified doctor's DXs, ruling out "dementia diseases" and saying "Mild Cognitive Impairment" is what he has been diagnosed, after a full year of extreme tests. MCI will put him on a 3 month wait list for AL, not 5 YEARS.
Just want you to know someone else GETS IT.
Our karma will return good things to us, for stepping up.
I am so happy that you now have an option to purchase a home.
I wish you the very best, you've certainly earned this new opportunity.
Certain doors that have been closed, shouldn’t be opened up again. I am sure that you have learned this lesson the hard way.
I am not heartless. We can care about all people as human beings but everyone should have limits regarding their relationships with others.
You’ve paid your dues and then some. You don’t owe this guy a single thing. You’re no longer married to him and even if you were, you still wouldn’t owe him more than you have to give.
I have heard people say, “Give until it hurts.” I don’t see any value in this. I did that as a caregiver for my mom and it nearly killed me. I am really sorry that I too had to learn this lesson the hard way. I can’t ever get those years back.
I am thrilled that you are ending this vicious cycle. Allow others to care for your ex.
Take time to heal and move forward in your life. You owe this to yourself. Plan a vacation and pamper yourself!
Wishing you all the best!
Leave now and move on with your life before you're too sick to do so. You've done all you can for this man who now needs APS to admit him to the hospital until they can place him, like Barb said. He'll be well cared for and not making anyone else sick as a result of being there. The staff has no history with him and no emotional attachment to him, he's just another patient to care for. Which is fine. He won't know the difference.
This is The Right Thing to do. Nobody expects you to lay down your life for the man you never loved and divorced. It's your turn to live now. Get busy doing so.
And while on Hospice he can be placed on Respite Care for about a week. Please use that time to get a break.
Allowing him to become a Ward of the State and to have a Guardian appointed is not the dire situation that many visualize it to be. He would be in a facility with staff that will see to his care.
I don't know if I asked but is he a Veteran? If so the VA may be of help. (Contact Veterans Assistance Commission to determine if he qualifies for any benefits)
I think that's a good idea.
I would contact an elder law attorney about options and choices.
As you can see, he will do nothing about all this. That much is clear now to you.
As to guilt, I think that is utter nonsense.
You didn't cause this and you can't fix this.
You currently are stuck and enmeshed and you are enabling his behavior. Why would he ever think to change? He's perfectly happy with things as they are.
It is grief you feel, the other g-word. But if your choice is to go down with his ship, to martyr yourself to his bad choices, then that will have to be your choice.
You are a grownup and must make your own choices for your own life.
I think you are excusing your behavior in staying by he "needs you". I think there is a lot of fear in moving out and moving on. How could there not be? But I think you will find after time, moving out and moving on day at a time, that you will begin to feel better about yourself and about life in general. The saddest thing is that he may be a good deal better without you. Currently he has to make no changes himself. And if you're leaving, that's about to change.
Whatever you decide, I wish you the very best of luck. It will take ENORMOUS courage to move out on your own. Often the miserable daily habitual path is so much easier. So if you make it out that door stop by giving yourself a good deep breath and a huge pat on the back.
That will depend on what you tell yourself.
I could have.. I should be.. I must..
Or
I did all I could.
Where are your thoughts up to now?
APS will simply have to have him admitted to a hospital until a bed is found. Not your problem.
A home of your own, no matter how small, is better than what you now endure.
Congratulations on your progress!
who’s going to look after you when you break from the stress of this situation?