My mom will be 94 next week. She still lives in her condo apartment and is in relatively good health, except for arthritis aches and pains. She is legally blind and uses a walker but is quite independent and social.
Ever since she stopped driving at age 75, I've been her main "go to" person for grocery shopping, appointments, etc., as well as caring for her emotional needs. My brother does help out occasionally. I am self-employed and have a very hectic schedule.
Mom has always been an impatient, demanding woman and has become worse in the past couple of years. She has started to get more confused and doing some troublesome things, like freaking out if I don't answer the phone right away. The other day, I was in our swimming pool. The phone was inside. She called four times with a half hour. When I returned her call, she said she was worried that I was sick. She called my brother, who lives 20 minutes away, and told him to come to my house to check if I was okay. Fortunately, I was able to reach him to tell him I was okay.
This is not the first time mom has freaked out like this when I haven't immediately returned her phone calls. I suspect some dementia is setting in. I notice that she's getting a bit more confused, too.
Mom has said a couple of times that she wishes I called her every day, because some of her friends' children do that. She says she gets "lonely." Meanwhile, my sister calls every Sunday, my brother calls one a week, my niece visits her almost every Monday, I call Mondays and Thursdays and usually take her grocery shopping every Friday. Plus, she plays cards every night with the people in her building and goes out to lunches and other functions almost every week, so I'm not understanding why she's "lonely."
I really don't want to commit to calling her every day, for a few reasons, but most of all, because if I don't call her every day on time, she'll flip out and worry. As I said, I run a business and it requires me to be on the road every day, I also have battled anxiety for years and it would be just too much for me to deal with her drama on a daily basis. Certainly, I am always there for her if she needs anything, but calling every day would be absolutely too much for me to handle.
She's been on the list for assisted living for four years. I think she'd be much happier, less needy, and less "lonely" if she were in such an environment.
Anyone else dealing with a similar situation? Am I being selfish?
At her age, I would suspect age related decline and also some dementia. It's not likely that you will be able to explain your situation and your decision to not call daily. She's likely to just not get it and continue to call you. I have found that seniors often get overly concerned about trivial things and convincing them not to worry is not very productive. But medication could help.
Most of the seniors that I know, call their adult kids and other people at least once per day.
You are doing the best you can. It's good other family members help out. Yes, as a fellow "go-to" person, my parents expect me to drop everything. No question the pressure is there. On the other hand, you deserve a life. Good for you for reaching out on this discussion board. Don't forget we're here for you.
That tells me this has become even more stressful in your life.
One random but important question that comes to mind is how has your husband felt about your mom's dependency on you and how much it creates conflict inside of you?
I am not sure she would be much different in wanting calls if she were in an assisted living which I hope she can get into. Yes, moms never cease to worry about even their grown children, but I find every day a bit much. Well, I've said enough.
Honestly now that she is gone I would give anything to be able to still call her everyday. Enjoy her while you can I say cause the day will come when you won't have the luxury of having that connection.
When I haven't been able to reach my father and have been anxious or overly concerned, I've called repeatedly. A few times I've gotten in my car and driven the nearly 30 miles to make sure that he's okay. He tells me I'm a worrier. But I fear any manner of things happening to him and need to be reassured sometimes, especially when certain other conditions exist.
I can understand your position, especially since you write that your mother engages in "drama", but I honestly don't think it's too much to call her daily. She's an old woman, she can't see, and apparently she's alone all day.
Good daughter!