I call my mom who lives in an AL Facility every day. How do I deal with her negativity? She complains nonstop!

My mother is also in AL and also complains about slowness of staff. They are short staffed. I keep thinking if she were still at home, she wouldn’t be getting any better or faster care. I sometimes think it’s all she has to complain about because everything is being taken care of for her. She doesnt really have to worry about anything…but then that might be the issue…Ive also noticed that she’s become very self centered and doesn’t realize what everyone is doing for her.

Laugh

I just read that some people are addicted to negativity as some people are addicted to drugs. Is this a new habit? She may not be able to help it.

When my husband was well his family use to joke about his mother's mom, a super sweet lady, ready to chuckle at the drop of a hat but the most pleasurable thing for her was to tell you who died, lost their house in a flood, crashed their car, or about disasters. Good naturedly she'd laugh as everyone, but everyone, would roll their eyes after years of this and without fail ask her - Okay grandma what other good news have you got for us.

Due to his illness my husband has become the dark version of his grandmother and without the good humor. It feels like he jams into my heart fish hooks that are attached to anvil sinkers. Almost everything is negative. It wears me out terribly, so I get you.

May I suggest that in this crazy way your mom may be expressing something she can't bring herself to say, which may be that she is lonely for your company. My first thought as I read your post was of a baby crying, wah, wah, wah when wah may mean hold me.

In a screwed up way complaining may be her way of saying help, console me.

If it's not forgive me and save yourself. Put the phone on speaker, put it down, and mindlessly rotate a few go-to fillers - Oh that's too bad; That must be terrible for you; Oh my, what did you do? Maybe it'll be better next time.

When you go to see her come in a fun loving way. Wear bright clothes. Bring a cheerful pretty little poster for her room, or fresh flowers. Greet people around her. Learn their names. Bring chilled sparkling water and two plastic champagne glasses, and her favorite treat.

Bring $5.00 Monopoly type money along. Tell her you're both going to play a new game. In your chipper rascally manner split the money and say each time one of you says something negative $5.00 must be handed over to the other, no grabbing. Stick your bottom lip out if she doesn't give you the money and say it's okay you'll take an I.O.U.

All in all, I think this is a valuable lesson for us. It's tough getting as old as we can get these days. More aches and difficulties come along with that.

I once heard a story, I know I'm going to it botch up, about a woman that was brought to a facility and said happily that she was going to love her room. The woman walking with her said - But you have seen it yet. The about to be new resident replied that she just knew it was going to be nice. That lady decided to be happy.

I know right now the range of crumby that may, G-d forbid, await me, but I'm going to try to remember to find and focus on that maybe only one thing that will be my oasis, like books, Star Trek reruns, music, fresh air, holidays, pencils and paper to draw with, or someone's time to talk with me.

Btw, this subject reminded me of something during my childhood. My mother was mumbling about how my father had not ironed a shirt well. My parents were always trying to beat each other to a chore to prevent the other from having to do it. I was about 8 and I said tell him, I'm thinking rather then grumble, and she said if I do that he'll won't help again. It was a great lesson for me.

Along the same lines, I currently have a grumpy 82 yr old, crabby, 100% lonely neighbor to whom I've made many offers of service, lunch invitation, or to deliver take-out or a little store bought dessert to which she has always said no in often a I don't need anyone or anything kind of way. I don't make offers anymore. I know she's suffering. She told me how alone she is. People have got to learn to accept an unwanted offer sometimes as a kindness to the giver. It's a whacky giving by taking type of thing. I think I'm cracking up. Does this even fit here?
Yes, it's about crabby complaining people.

Let's all plan on being pleasant and great old geezers and geezettes.
I wonder. Maybe I'll be the first to crab out.

Control the conversation from the start of the call, Ask "what are 5 good things that have happened since my last call?" When she veers into negative comments, always say, "that sounds difficult/unpleasant/hard... but tell me more about that good moment when... happened._

My sister once said to me, “Are you just venting? Or would you like advice?” One of the best lines ever as it makes the complainer clarify instantly what the role of the listener is.

In either case, if you’ve talked about it before, there is little sense in rehashing it again.

My rich aunt was placed in an expensive facility, caught the flu in there, and died in 3 months. Listen to your Mom, unless you really don't care. Golden Rule: "Do unto Others, as You would have others do unto YOU!"

ImDrowning: Perhaps you'll have to keep the conversations short for your sanity.

My mom 86 lives here with me. She is such an Eeyore about literally everything. Whether she's in AL or at home, I don't think it will make much difference how things are done, she will continue to be a chronic complainer. In your shoes I would call less often for starters. When I call I would then just listen to her. She sounds like she needs someone to just hear her out. You don't need to fix anything, just comfort her with the fact that she's safe and sound. Calling 2 or 3 times a week would be enough for me.

Aging is hard - harder for some than others - and giving up your home and life as you knew it for decades is not always a welcome or easy adjustment. You didn't mention how long your mom has been in this AL facility. Adjustments take quite a long time and the staff should be able to guide you on how to help her adjust. But, if this is a new behavior, you should work with her doctor to understand it better.

While you didn't mention your mom's skills or any medical diagnosis, I imagine that if your mom is in AL it is because she is physically and/or cognitively unable to live totally independently. Does she have any acute or chronic medical conditions that contribute to this emotional state? Are all of her physical, mental and emotional needs being met by the staff so she feels independent with their support?

Once you know she is heathy, properly supported, and given time and resources to adapt to changes, the last thing to consider is behavior.

Personally, I wouldn't directly discuss her negativity if she has a diagnosis of dementia or is still in an adjustment period. Instead, I would opt for 2 or 3 very short calls each day instead of one longer call, and just say brightly and without any hint of agitation, "Oh, mom, sorry, gotta go! Call you later!" When she gets negative. See if that doesn't shape the behavior instead of confronting it with your own negativity.

Think about this ....you have trouble just listening to the negativity. How would you feel if you were the one trapped in there living it?

Your mother is reaching out to you for help or at least someone who will show they actually care about her.

It is clear she hates where she is and is extremely unhappy. It is too bad she was moved to a facility. If you could have found in-home care for her, she would have been happier.

But, I recommend you put yourself in her place and try to think of things to improve her life there. For one thing does she ever get out? Take her places so she is not in there all the time. Think of the things she used to do that she loved and try to do them with her again.

Yes, your mother has a point since it costs so much money for care. However, next time she complains, tell her, "Perhaps this is not a good time to talk. I will talk another time when you feel better." Then call to talk with the management.

My mom lives with me and is the same way. We can be talking about anything and out of the blue she will start in with negative comments about politics/religion. When she does this I say only once, " If you cannot say anything nice, please do not say anything at all." If she keeps it up I get up and walk away or if on the phone, I just say "I gotta go. Have a good day/night",
There isn't much you can do, unfortunately.

Stop calling, tell her why. Unless she is willing to engage in normal talk then stop this enabling behaviour.
My husband sometimes (not often) starts complaining, I understand his frustration, but, I cannot tolerate that.
Sometimes I allow one complain and say stop or enough or I leave the room. I feel it is unfair to me, I did not create, contribute to his disease, We care and give, receiving and dealing with constant complains should not be part of it.

Speak to your mother plainly. Tell her that you do not call her every day to listen to her complain about everything and everyone. Also, that you are not interested in her negativity. If she is unable to have a normal conversation with you when you call, you will stop calling.
Then she can decide whether she wants to be lonely and get no phone calls or visits from you because of her miserable behavior and complaining, or she cuts the crap because wants to hear from you her child, and also see you for visits.
My mother pulls this crap many times a day every day. We live together. When she starts with the complaining and negativity I walk away and she gets totally ignored. When the working herself up into hysterics and semantics, I walk away. Although I will tell her to save it for the stage or someone who cares. She has improved her snide negativity somewhat because she knows that I will be leaving her after the new year. I've explained to her that I would bring in homecare help (that I know personally and vouche for), but if she is unable to function on any level and has decided to be a helpless invalid then I will put her into a managed care facility.
Many elderly people complain for entertainment and sport. In an AL, they can find a complain group of like minded seniors who hate the whole world and can find no good in it.
You are not a member of that group and neither am I.
When you call your mother and she starts up tell her 'bye' and hang up. Then don't call her the next day or the day after.

you can either hold the phone away from your ear or put ear plugs in - i'm not trying to be funny but it can wear on you. every so often just say, Yes mom, I know mom. she needs your love and attention so saying something negative all the time she thinks she's getting it. when she passes believe me, you will miss her..

Ugh! Negativity! I wonder if she even realizes how she sounds. With all that negativity, who would want her as a friend other than a person who is more negative than she? Ugh.

My Mom is very negative, however, really negative to her immediate family and kids. To everyone else, they think she is Ms "Optimism" and envied us as a family. Little did they know. I've often wondered if a complaint was the only way she could start a conversation as there are many people her age that do that. Yes, my Mom is a perfectionist.

So how did I get it to a tolerable level? I finally got up the guts and reinforced my boundaries. I no longer tolerate her endless tirade about the mistreatment that her Dad gave to his kids (he died over 20 years ago). I give her a 2 minute warning to have her wrap up her ideas and tell her that I'm going to leave if she continues after that. If it goes beyond 2 minutes, I leave. I no longer tolerate endless negative comments against my sister, her friends, my sister-in-law, her family and her friends. She only gets 2 sentences before I cut her off with a 2 sentence warning...and then I leave. Regarding the nurses and the food, I ask her for specifics and when she doesn't have any, keep on asking for specifics. If she has specifics, I follow up on them and get them addressed. If no specifics, I remind her that I need specifics and I don't want to discuss it until I have specifics. At first, I just left after giving her the warning. Then on specific items, I would counter the argument like "he's dead, I don't want to hear any more"...then I left. At first, because I was "living" in the same house as she, she would search me out (or call for me endlessly) and continue the tirade. I would just move to a different area of the house or put on headphones (something visual) and look at her with a blank stare. Now that she is in a facility, I just let someone know that I'm leaving, or wheel her away to the activities area while she is going on-and-on then turn to her and wave goodbye as she is complaining. (yes, it is possible to teach memory impaired people new tricks...)

As time went on, she does this much, much less. However, I find she has less to talk or complain about.

This may seem mean and cruel. On the other hand, for me, it was survival. She and I both learned. I should have done this earlier in my life. I still visit her nearly every day because I choose to.

All great answers (helping me as well) as I have the same situation with my 93 year old mom who is in AL. Nothing is ever good enough/perfect, it’s all a “shamble” here, gets angry, mean to staff if it’s not done her way, etc. The pleasantries I used to have with her are gone, and she is worse since dad passed 3yrs ago. I do not answer her calls, let them go to voice mail to screen. She has caused my anxiety at night, my frustration and anger towards her. At times I do not like who I’ve become just because of her, but my husband is a godsend and keeps me sane. If she gets nasty in person or on the phone, I stop listening, leave, or find a reason to end the call/hang up on her. Yes, I have told her to her face how mean and negative she has become to her family but it goes unchanged as she doesn’t think she is the cause of the problem.
So…my advice is to not let your mom control or destroy your life. I am surprised that you talk to her daily, why?, unless you want her to keep dragging you down with her. I chose not to, and feel much better. I do not have the guilt that I used to. If this is how your (or my mom) chooses to live out their life, so be it. Best of luck, sending you positivity and hugs.

Maybe stop calling every day. It will give you a little break from her complaining. She is not going to change so you need to remove yourself from her negative voice.

Her own room! I could only wish for that! She is probably bored and depressed and absorbed in her own miseries, Perhaps she has never been one to look around and see what she might do to be helpful or at least friendly to others. If she had that mindset and was capable of certain activities or social contact, she might enhance her life by looking for others at the facility who need company or help. If she has always been self-absorbed and focused inward, she will dwell on her own dissatisfactions.

I have a Mother that is just like this. But I don't ever remember her being a positive person. I have been dealing with this for a solid year now. I am a trigger for her. She is in Memory Care. She is far from being stupid. I learned when she gets ugly, I tell her so and I leave. Always hoping she would remember to try and be nice my next visit. This is all I know to do.

I suggest you acknowledge her distress. Try to find out what exactly is at the root. Unfamiliarity? Boredom? Neglect? Abuse? What does she want improved? Maybe you can help problem solve.

Based on my experience, the stories I've heard and read, and my direct observations - many long-term-care facilities are nothing more than "warehouses for the elderly" if not effectively prisons. Maybe her complaints are justified.

I have a friend whose mother's TV wasn't working for over 6 months. In addition, there is no option for music in the room, and activities are few and far between.

That's a tough situation for both of you. She's feeling ignored and possibly neglected. And you're burning out from the negativity. You could try to frame the conversation at the beginning. Let her know you can give her X minutes for the negative things, then the rest of the conversation has to be more positive. When she circles back, gently let her know that this isn't the part of the chat for the negative comments. Or you can hold a boundary and let her know if she continues to be negative, you'll have to end the call and try her again when she's in a better mood. That's not likely to be well received. You can start a gratitude practice with her. You can ask her to relate 1 good thing from the day, and you do the same for her.

Similar to what someone else posted, I had an aunt with whom I was very close. After working on her for 2 years, I managed to get her into an AL facility. She COMPLAINED, OMG. After a week, her granddaughter stopped by to visit right after lunch and most people had left the dining room. My aunt was still sitting at the table with several of her new friends with whom she dined daily. They were LAUGHING and just yucking it up, having a great time. Her granddaughter immediately texted me with "You would not believe this!"

She adjusted to living there, made friends and regularly played bingo, UNO and Wii bowling.

Set a timer on your phone to end the call. Find some funny youtube videos to watch while she is flapping her gums. Make an occasional grunt to ensure she thinks you are listening to her complaints. When the timer ends, find an excuse to end the call and let her know you will talk to her again tomorrow.

I have 2 elderly parents who are both negative. Each complains about the other when alone with me and my mom totally dogs out my dad in front of anyone. She loves an audience. Visiting them makes me extremely anxious and depressed.

Don’t call every day.

Perhaps you can arrange an appointment with a Geriatric Psychiatrist who can assist both of you and suggest new ways to cope with each other and in all of life's challenges. Please put yourself in your mother's position and ask yourself how you would handle depression and anxiety: compassion and empathy are great methods of seeing things from others' perspectives. Until you get professional help, don't call every day.

I have a friend who is just a Negative person, as she ages. She always has something to complain about. She now lives in Assisted Living. Some of the things she complains about we found out later to be false, other things are very minor - but to her they are Very Big Things Indeed!

Think of how her life has been compressed into one tiny room, how many of her loved belongings she has had to abandon, maybe she even had to give up a beloved pet of many years. Now she sits alone in a new place where she knows no one (and fears no one will like her). These are all her valid fears.

As we go about our busy lives, it’s hard to remember how Small their lives have become. Even if they’re still in their own home, life as they have always known it is over.

You are not alone. Sounds much like my mom! Though not in a care home, she complains about EVERYTHING!! Cognitively she's okay, no dementia, just depressed and sees the world through a 'gray' lens. Nothing I (nor her 3x week aide) do is right. It IS very draining!!

I know her world has gotten smaller, body doesn't work like it is supposed to anymore, so I tell myself to try to be patient/understanding. I live hours away, but visit, almost monthly now, trying to help her with major/minor things. She undermines/undoes or complains about much of what I do. I've taken to just doing what needs to be done, w/o getting her input/buy-in (like getting hearing aids which she refuses to wear, making social plans with her friends to get her out of the house, arranging for house repairs, buying groceries); I know that's not good, but sometimes it is the only way to get anything done. In person, I can handle three days, any longer and I end up a wreck!! More often than not I end phone calls abruptly - "Gotta go now!" I feel terrible, but it's self-preservation.

I've tried talking with her various helping agencies, medical and MH people, even tried enlisting a Geriatric Care Manager, but she doesn't want me talking with them. I've been very clear "I need help here, some 'boots on the ground'." - to focus on: safety at home, pain mgmt (her knees, she can barely walk), transportation and her isolation. I am doing it all.

Knee surgery is scheduled for next month (should have been done 10 years ago; I finally just started making appts for her to be evaluated and moved things along.) I will have to be there for weeks before/after surgery. Need to know that I have a support system. What/How much to tell/ask of her doctors and helping agencies?

Increasing the aide hours isn't the issue, she barely lets her do anything - just laundry and grocery shopping; won't even let the aide into her bedroom to change sheets or to clean bathroom. She won't even tell the aide she is having surgery!!

When PT comes to the house after surgery, they will see that parts of her house are unsafe, barely passable. She won't let me or the aide touch anything, throw anything out.

She lives alone in a big, beautiful house - that our father built. He left 40 years ago - could not take it anymore. He is gone now; I took care of him for the last six years of his life w/ dementia and cancer. It was hard, but I did a good job. He was a delight; I have great memories of our time together; would not trade that experience for anything.

Mom's neediness is also affecting my brother, who lives next door; he has looked after her for decades, but has fewer personal resources/skills to handle her neediness and expectations. His and his wife's health is declining and his marriage is falling apart. I worry about him. Moving is not an option for him as he runs a business on the property. Our two other siblings just ignore her as much as possible.

Thanks for the sounding board. I know many of you have had similar experiences. Any suggestions?

The best way to deal with a negative person is to AGREE with them. My sister was that way…she’d complain about something, and had a million reasons why whatever someone suggested wouldn’t work if they offered solutions. She could talk for hours!
Try: “Wow, that really sounds awful.” “I’m sorry that’s happening.” “That sounds rough!”
It didn’t solve anything - she wasn’t looking for a solution, just someone to complain to. But it DID shut her up. A phone conversation was no longer upsetting to ME, which is what happened when I tried to find solutions. Good luck!👍🏼

My mother was the same way. My DH once asked her to name ONE thing she was grateful for, and for the life of her, she could not. There's no way to fix this level of chosen misery, except to avoid it as much as possible to preserve your own inner peace. Keep the conversations short and the visits short. Bring snacks and photos or phone videos to distract her from the litany of complaints she'll be ready to read off to you when you get there. And do not tell her to stop complaining either, because if she's like my mother she'll say, "I'm not complaining, I'm just TALKING." Which is kind of like the guy who yells BOMB on an airplane trying to tell the arresting officer he was just TALKING when he said that. Nice try.

Good luck.