She complains about the aides, the staff, the food, other residents, the doctor, the laundry... I've tried to redirect the conversation by bringing up topics in the news, activities of family members, events in my own life. She always brings the conversation back to another negative comment about her life. I've even said, "Did anything good happen today?"
She is living in an Assisted Living Facility. She has her own room in a new addition. The facility is understaffed, like many places now. They are doing the best they can and are trying to hire more staff. I wish she could be thankful for what she does have and realize how difficult it is for me to listen to all the negativity every day.
If she is calling you--just screen her calls. There's no point whatsoever in listening to the same complaints all day. It will start to get to you, if it hasn't already.
If you spoke to my MIL you would think this woman never had a joyful second in her life. It's bizarre. I stopped speaking to her over 2 years ago. I simply could not handle the negativity. She is getting worse as she ages (she's 92) and poor DH--he sees her # on caller ID and gets upset immediately.
Sadly, at this stage, nothing can be done. She hates everybody but her daughter, who is an absolute saint.
Boundaries. Maybe take 1 call a day and keep it light. You need to not let her poison you with her anger & unhappiness.
They suck your life force if you allow it.
Well done for saying, no more!
Whether this is not calling everyday, keeping the calls short, telling her you can't listen to the same complaints daily or whatever works for you. You have to take control of what you allow yourself to be subjected to.
I would try to find her a pen pal and see if that doesn't give her something positive to do and look forward to. Even a little kid sending pictures and notes can be beneficial to her.
PeggySue commented below 'At the facility SO works at, all staff are told at the new hire not to ask how are you. They instead say that it’s good to see you, mrs smith.', which is a brilliant approach, starting out the interaction, with a positive topspin.
Maybe trying something like that. You mentioned ''I've tried to redirect the conversation by bringing up topics in the news, activities of family members, events in my own life.' - don't give up on that, but continue to expand on it by writing down any interesting topic you come across in your life to share with her.
Don't give up....
Don't ask questions that you know (from experience probably) will generate a negative response.
Don't respond, don't point out positives or try to get her to see things differently.
Simple responses "Oh, sorry that is happening" even though that doesn't mean you are taking responsibility.
Change the subject as soon as possible as gently as possible.
Sometimes this may be the only way our loved ones can try to regain some of what they have lost. Just a thought...
Best of luck, and if you haven't heard it from her lately, "thank you!"
Set some boundaries and just come to expect it. She's not being negative because she's not grateful or is trying to make your life miserable. She herself has not dealt with her own issues (eg. oncoming mortality, being vulnerable, personal regrets/failures, etc, etc...). Just don't confuse her state of mind as any kind of reflection on your part. Its entirely her own ordeal to own. You're doing the best you can.
What I like to do is to try and get a little smart with responses in a lighthearted, non offensive manners. (my mother was a negative anxiety ridden person for most of my life).
Eg. Hey there ma, how was the movie they showed at the facility?
m). It was terrible. All movies are just about young people nowadays.
~Fascinating critique. Tell me more about your perspectives on young vs old movies.
~Maybe the old people movies just werent profitable enough.
~Think you could do better? What kind of story would you tell?
For example when she starts down the path of unending misery you can say "oh dear, sounds like you're having a terrible day. I'll try to catch you another day when things are better" and hang up. She may or may not shape up a little eventually but you're not a public dump for her emotional garbage.
Good luck.
Try: “Wow, that really sounds awful.” “I’m sorry that’s happening.” “That sounds rough!”
It didn’t solve anything - she wasn’t looking for a solution, just someone to complain to. But it DID shut her up. A phone conversation was no longer upsetting to ME, which is what happened when I tried to find solutions. Good luck!👍🏼
I know her world has gotten smaller, body doesn't work like it is supposed to anymore, so I tell myself to try to be patient/understanding. I live hours away, but visit, almost monthly now, trying to help her with major/minor things. She undermines/undoes or complains about much of what I do. I've taken to just doing what needs to be done, w/o getting her input/buy-in (like getting hearing aids which she refuses to wear, making social plans with her friends to get her out of the house, arranging for house repairs, buying groceries); I know that's not good, but sometimes it is the only way to get anything done. In person, I can handle three days, any longer and I end up a wreck!! More often than not I end phone calls abruptly - "Gotta go now!" I feel terrible, but it's self-preservation.
I've tried talking with her various helping agencies, medical and MH people, even tried enlisting a Geriatric Care Manager, but she doesn't want me talking with them. I've been very clear "I need help here, some 'boots on the ground'." - to focus on: safety at home, pain mgmt (her knees, she can barely walk), transportation and her isolation. I am doing it all.
Knee surgery is scheduled for next month (should have been done 10 years ago; I finally just started making appts for her to be evaluated and moved things along.) I will have to be there for weeks before/after surgery. Need to know that I have a support system. What/How much to tell/ask of her doctors and helping agencies?
Increasing the aide hours isn't the issue, she barely lets her do anything - just laundry and grocery shopping; won't even let the aide into her bedroom to change sheets or to clean bathroom. She won't even tell the aide she is having surgery!!
When PT comes to the house after surgery, they will see that parts of her house are unsafe, barely passable. She won't let me or the aide touch anything, throw anything out.
She lives alone in a big, beautiful house - that our father built. He left 40 years ago - could not take it anymore. He is gone now; I took care of him for the last six years of his life w/ dementia and cancer. It was hard, but I did a good job. He was a delight; I have great memories of our time together; would not trade that experience for anything.
Mom's neediness is also affecting my brother, who lives next door; he has looked after her for decades, but has fewer personal resources/skills to handle her neediness and expectations. His and his wife's health is declining and his marriage is falling apart. I worry about him. Moving is not an option for him as he runs a business on the property. Our two other siblings just ignore her as much as possible.
Thanks for the sounding board. I know many of you have had similar experiences. Any suggestions?
Think of how her life has been compressed into one tiny room, how many of her loved belongings she has had to abandon, maybe she even had to give up a beloved pet of many years. Now she sits alone in a new place where she knows no one (and fears no one will like her). These are all her valid fears.
As we go about our busy lives, it’s hard to remember how Small their lives have become. Even if they’re still in their own home, life as they have always known it is over.
I have 2 elderly parents who are both negative. Each complains about the other when alone with me and my mom totally dogs out my dad in front of anyone. She loves an audience. Visiting them makes me extremely anxious and depressed.
She adjusted to living there, made friends and regularly played bingo, UNO and Wii bowling.
Based on my experience, the stories I've heard and read, and my direct observations - many long-term-care facilities are nothing more than "warehouses for the elderly" if not effectively prisons. Maybe her complaints are justified.
I have a friend whose mother's TV wasn't working for over 6 months. In addition, there is no option for music in the room, and activities are few and far between.
So…my advice is to not let your mom control or destroy your life. I am surprised that you talk to her daily, why?, unless you want her to keep dragging you down with her. I chose not to, and feel much better. I do not have the guilt that I used to. If this is how your (or my mom) chooses to live out their life, so be it. Best of luck, sending you positivity and hugs.