So tired of hearing about bowel movements, having to pee constantly, thinning hair, not being able hear well, on and on and on, not being able to walk well, etc. I care but my God, it is so hard to only hear about these things.
Nothing interesting. If I try to redirect to a different topic somehow the conversation ends up being about poo again! Geeeeez, there is only so much poo I want to hear about! Enough already.
I try to read or watch tv to relax and she will sit by me and do this over and over. If I walk off and go to my room she will complain later. You'd think she would take the hint if I walk off. I'm not going to tell her that I don't want to talk about her bowel situation because it won't do any good and she will just ignore me or insult me. I think she likes if I object to something. She considers it a goal that she has achieved so I don't react as much but inside I am screaming silently. Anyone else feel this way?
I think most of us here get the point you were driving at Needs Help With Mom. Now go buy those ear plugs or put ear buds in and play lovely music.
I do listen to music in my car when I take her to the doctor. Music is healing. Really is.
Thanks for your reply. It wears us out at times, right?
We must attempt to find the humor in the darnedest things. I've been so angry at times, that I've gone outside and laughed instead of cried. Aside from the neighbors getting the net for me, I felt better.
You totally get it. Thanks for responding.
I want a long vacation, too, but it’s not possible. So, this year I’m planning more day trips and paying my regular in-home helper to stay extended hours.
Yep, breaks are needed. Hey, just a soak in the tub after hubby gets home is nice. Mom can’t be left alone but I love museums and concerts, all sorts of things and hope that I will be able to get back to things I am interested in one day.
etc. It is tiring and annoying. I try to divert the conversation to something positive but she too, goes back to the same complaints. I just realize that my life is as important as my mothers and I have to set boundaries even if it hurts her feelings. The best thing we can do for ourselves, is to honor ourself and to set the stage for others to see and follow even if they get offended and don't like you because of it.
Yep, same here. Redirecting with some is useless. They will go back to same topics! Always! And get upset with us for changing the subject. Amen to everything you said!
He likes to tell me when hes constipated, or has the runs, like its my problem too? Smh He complains about his hearing but refuses to wear one of the 100 hearing aides he has! “I need to go to a professional” huh? A professional hearing doctor? Uhmmmm
He complains about his teeth, which he NEVER had worked on when my MIL was alive but now since he lives with us, its OUR problem. “This is too hard for my teeth” “I cant eat this because of my teeth” “You made this soft, I can eat this with my teeth” “I have trouble with my teeth” My teeth, my teeth, my teeth!! Oh my gosh, Im soooo sick of hearing about his teeth!! Everyday, day after day! The man is 87 years old, you would think he would have taken care of his teeth early in life when he had insurance and could drive. Oh thats another thing, he blames us for letting his license expire and now he says he wont pass the driving test. The man has early dementia, cant see, cant hear, and he wants to buy a car and drive!! Seriously?!
Then he watches tv before he comes to breakfast. He is like a reporter! This happened and that happened, Trump this and the police that, blah blah blah blah blah blah
As soon as I hear his door open, I run to my room! Im home all day and I my tv is off! I cant stand tv! But the informer (thats what we call him) has enough news in his head to tell you theres a new burger commercial! rme
Even when me and hubby are out alone, we talk about his dad!! I cant get a break! Im tired! Im stressed! My blood pressure is high now!
I want to hear about roses, rainbows and unicorns!
ANYTHING but elderly conversations!!
At any age, we need companionship of those we can relate with. Being isolated with just your child makes that child get all of the complaints. I am not saying you still won't here them, but it lessens the burden. And when you do get them if parents are in LTC, you can deflect by saying, "have you talked to xxxxx about that? I'll bet they can be more helpful than me."
Not a perfect solution, but it helps lessen the burden of being the complaint catcher.
She has the tremor thing due to Parkinson’s. She used to do beautiful crochet, knitting, sewing, etc.
I don't think, though, that the root of the problem, we as frustrated caregivers experience, is really what our loved ones say or do, but that we feel trapped and isolated; the loss of freedom.
Like you, I am trying to be patient. It’s not easy to be old - I get it - but it’s not easy turning your home into an assisted living facility either. I know she has very little going on - and retains even less, from moment to moment... it’s not her fault. But OH MY GOD.
Just one meal without a poop report would be awesome.
Yep. We can relate. 😊
As we age we talk about what is important to us as well as relevant at the time. No longer are we experiencing "life" or "learning" new things - but what we are experiencing is the realization of our own mortality.
If your loved one is cognizant - turn off the TV! Get them interested in something you both can do - a walk, a board game/cards, reading to each other or to your Loved One, find common ground for small discussions, not lengthy as they get tired and lose interest. I know this sounds trite, but they no longer have outside interests and YOU are their world and think you are interested in them, you are, but there are limits.
And do listen to the signs their body is giving them, you want them comfortable and them sharing info is a great way for you to discern how they are feeling.
Gently find another subject. If the "bowel" subject comes up - talk about the bathroom, color of the walls, possibly redecorating with new towels, a picture, my guess is they do not know the color of the walls and getting them to talk about something else can help. But don't forget, do try to actively listen and find the root of the complaint(s) - above all make sure they are okay.
I learned as my parents aged, they were akin to a 2-3 years old and needed constant attention, supervision and reassurance they were loved and cared for. Keeping that in mind enjoy them while you have them, I miss mine terribly.
Food for thought - you will be there someday and I hope you will have someone to care and love you too, no matter what the conversation.
I get it. Totally! Just venting.
All kidding aside, I always have to remind myself that my dad’s mind is that of a 3 year old. I did raise 4 kids so that experience has helped. As with a 3 year old, boundaries must be made. I don’t hesitate to speak up and tell my dad “no potty talk at the dinner table, nobody wants to hear that” or “please, no more potty talk, let’s .....
-look at some old picture albums
-Listen to music
-go for a drive
-go get a manicure or pedicure
-pick some clothes out for tomorrow
-make a grocery list
-fold some laundry
-go out for lunch
-go for a walk or stroll
-play bingo
I get it completely. But there is a flip side as well. I can’t listen to stories about poop all day long! Everyone needs a break once in awhile. Nurses, doctors, aides all get breaks where their shift ends.
It’s normal to have compassion fatigue now and then. Everyone has her limit. My sister was our mom’s primary caregiver for 13 years, and she says that in some ways they could act like a bickering married couple. Of course, now that Mom has passed, my sister feels guilty about quarrels they had, even though she “knows” she shouldn’t.
If she’s not reasonably capable of change, maybe you should get out a little more amongst people who never talk about their poo. You have a life too. There are people who are willing to watch children while the parents have a “date night;” there are also people who you can hire to be with your mom when you have a “sanity night” with friends. Don’t neglect your own life.
When you get old, and the indignities of old age are visited on you, things you never thought important may suddenly loom large in your mind. I never thought about my own bowels (sorry) and hair until they started being a source of vague concern to me. She may be more worried by them than you might realize. That behavior may be more common than you think.
I like baseball. My grandpa loved baseball and he watched it all the time. If he appeared to be napping and grandma would turn off the tv he would get mad. She said he wasn’t watching it but he was listening and could tell you the score. He was too cute!
Love your answer! I’m in no way belittling anyone, including my dear mother. Just blowing off steam. Thanks for understanding.
Oh how I wish my mom would socialize. She won’t. She just won’t which makes me very lonely as well. I told her I would stay at the senior center with her. I’m 63! She still won’t go. Her outings are doctor appointments. I live my life at doctor’s office. I would love for mom and I to share other things together. She refuses.
Thanks for prayers. Never turn them down. I do pray. So does mom.
Still, no denying it is hard. So much harder than raising kids. They grow up! The elderly need us more and more.
I am venting. Normal to vent sometimes.
Exactly! Good way to put it.