My post today is mostly to introduce myself and my situation because I feel my parents decline is escalating.
My parents (ages 92 and 89) are in AL 30 minutes from me (age 65). They should be in MC but refuse. I have 2 sisters (ages 67 and 61) that live 6 and 17 hours away. The sisters call the parents, but rarely visit in person. When I see a persistent decline of health with the parents, I would like the sisters to be more involved but they rarely stop their lives for someone else. This situation has been building for 8 years. Currently Dad fell Sunday evening and is in the hospital. This leaves Mom by herself in AL but she is well taken care of.
For myself I have started therapy, mostly to deal with resentments.
Second, get rid of that resentment. It only hurts you. Your sisters are not just around the corner. I just got home from a 15 hr drive from Fla. I would not want to do this on a regular basis. My brother is 7 hrs away so no jumping in a car and rushing over. It is what it is. Your the one who is there and probably always has been and that is why when any guilt creeps up on me, I squash it because I was there.
I was there for ever hospital and rehab stay. I was there to take Dad to appts because he could not drive there. I took time off of work. I was there when Mom became a widow and could not drive anymore. I did it all with no complaint because they were my parents. My brothers, hardly ever saw them. No Sunday call just to see how they were doing. I was the oldest and a girl and held POA so they figured I would handle things. For the brother 7 hrs away, he had an excuse, the other one lived 30 min away and rarely saw Mom. Mom rarely got gifts from them. This upset my Dad because her kids were #1. She wasn't even acknowledged on Mother's Day. Dad said I was the only one that acknowledged every birthday, parents days, and Christmas. But that was between Dad and his boys.
So, I told myself I did what I felt I needed to do. Whether I did it right or wrong or did enough I was the one that was there for my parents. I do not allow myself to feel guilty because I was there. Holding POA meant I was not obligated to inform brothers about anything. I made decisions without their imput. Guess they figured I was doing a good job because they said nothing. I did get a thank you for caring for Mom. I just wish they had been there for her more. But...thats on them. I believe what goes around comes around. I so hope their kids take on their care because this sister won't be. I am older by 7 and 11 yrs. The only other person I will care for is my DH and he caring for me. Everyone else, except my girls and grands, are on their own. I owe my siblings nothing.
Next: no one can be assumed into the caregiving role (ie, your sisters). They live dang far away and I don't blame them for visiting rarely. Their visiting would require travel expenses and several days. Don't be too hard on them. They get to choose what they do with their life and time. Your job is to not have expectations.
Expectations = premeditated self-inflicted disappointment
Who is the PoA for your parents? If it is you, please know that you can decide how much or little hands-on involvement you have. Many caregivers hire companion aids for their LOs in facilities. This is an option if it gets overwhelming for you. This should be funded from your parents' assets.
I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you help your parents and keep your boundaries healthy and clear.
Now my DH is dealing with the facility being unable to handle his mother and he and his 2 sibs are taking turns with staying at the ALF with her all day. This is NOT what they're paying over $10K a month for!
The facility will judge where your folks need to be. If they don't NEED memory care, that's actually good, IMHO.
As long as they can function within the ALF, I wouldn't make a fuss. MC is kind of just warehousing people who are not acclimated to time & space. ALF at least offers care and activities and such. MC seems more sterile and 'boring'.
I'm sorry you have no family that will help. But at least you seem able to accept that you are on your own with this.
Listen to Alva--she will not steer you wrong!
For now, Dad will likely go to rehab for some time.
When he's ready for discharge planning you will discuss with administration whether he needs to move to MC. And what would be best in terms of his and Mom continuing there.
I hope it is like my brother's place. His was a cottage situation, and one cottage was MC so that spouses separated by need could visit one another.
Now as to the sisters. Their choices aren't really your business, so relieve yourself of thinking of that. It isn't for you to decide what they do, what choices they make in participating. It is for you to decide only for yourself, and they for themselves. You may think more or less of their choices, but they will never be YOUR choice. Sorry to be so blunt about this, but people cause themselves a lot of pain and trauma by thinking there is something to be done about how others participate or don't. And it wastes you precious energy which you so badly need for yourself. You want my vote as the "good child" you sure do HAVE that. But I understand the sister's choices as well.
My very best out to you. And welcome to the forum for you have over time gathered in a whole lot of information with which to help others here.
My parents died at 92 and 95. There were 5+ years of dealing with their medical issues and decline until they passed. Then 5 more years of dealing with the business mess they left behind. That's ten years of my life, and I had family and other issues that were eating away at me at the same time. It was actually a relief when each of them died - first one, then, years later, the other. I felt as if I'd been run over by a two-ton truck by the time their lives were over, and I had resentment too. They should have and could have planned better.
This seems to be a societal problem these days. Old people live beyond old - they get ancient! They are kept alive through medical miracles, sometimes with little quality of life. Their children, who feel obligated to see it through to the end, are in their 60s, 70s, and even 80s. Who in that age range ever anticipated that they'd be changing diapers of a 90+ year old parent?
I understand your point of view but I also understand your sisters'. At some time we become so weary of the elder problems of our parents, we just want to hear no more about it. We want freedom of our minds to think of something else for just one day! And then the phone rings, and it's mom again, she's thrown her shoulder out, and back to the ER with her - AGAIN. We are all so worn out. Beaten down. Exhausted. And still they live on. That's apparently where your sisters are now.
This doesn't mean we don't love our parents. Obviously, we do. But our parents expect too much, plan too little, and live a long time. That's why we end up burned out and feeling the way you do. There's not enough support for elderly caregivers of the elderly. If it's any comfort, you have lots of company, including me.
Again, so sorry.
My twin sister has not even asked if my mother is ALIVE in two years. She's decided to remove herself from even KNOWING about my mother, much less inquiring about or including herself in taking any steps to participate in Mom's care.
Either I live with resentment, or accept that I'm alone in this, and get on with it.
We can't make decisions for other people.
Best wishes to you!