I believe that I trigger most/all of her negative belligerent behaviors and response to whatever i say or do. Though she has many age-related physical issues [as most in our age group gave, including me], thank God she is not bedridden .
I am at the verge of considering paying for 2 months of 24 hour per day in-home "companionship"/care while I move into some near-by single room/apartment ... During that period, my 59 year old daughter who lives close by and "attends" almost daily could decide of a more permanent solution.
When I worked as a receptionist in a Memory Care ALF before the plague hit, we had a gentleman who'd come in daily to see his wife who lived there. Well, when I tell you I cringed every time I heard her speak to him........her mouth was VILE. He brought out the very worst in her and she called him terrible names. He had no other choice but to place her in the Memory Care ALF b/c she had become too much to handle at home. He'd go by every single day to see her..........God knows how he was able to muster that strength, given how she treated him, but he did.
You should consider doing the same with your wife now. Enough is enough. You should not have to move out of your own home into a single room while she has full run of your home, carrying on 24/7. She belongs in a memory care environment with peers she can interact with. With a team of caregivers who are paid to care for her day and night. Go tour a few and see what you think.
Geaton's idea of finding an Assisted Living residence for BOTH of you isn't a bad idea, either. My mother's place has regular AL and Memory Care; you could reside in the Assisted Living wing and your wife could reside in the Memory Care wing.......that way, you could easily visit her whenever the mood struck you. Just an idea.
Even if you don't wind up placing her, just the knowledge that you have that option may relieve you of some of the horrible stress you're feeling. My heart goes out to you. I wish you strength, courage and peace, my friend. All the best.
Depending on her other conditions, although the diagnosis of dementia would probably qualify, she may qualify for Hospice. Medicare will pay for about 1 week of Respite for a person on Hospice. Generally they will place the person in a facility that they have an agreement with. Sometimes if there is room or if there needs to be some symptom management if the Hospice has a stand alone In Patient Unit they will place a patient there.
The other option would be to place her in Memory Care as a permanent resident. This is a difficult decision as I am sure you made "promises" to each other that you would never place the other in a "home". She is not the same person you made that promise to ..and you are not the same person that made the promise.
If having a caregiver some in daily for the most difficult times would help you could try that. No one can do this by themselves 24/7/365. There is nothing to feel guilty about. Accepting the fact that you can not do this any longer is the most difficult thing to admit.
Discuss with your daughter what options you have.
Respite to give you a break. (and her)
In home care with help from caregivers.
Placement in Memory Care.
And you can do any of these with the help of Hospice as well. I would not have been able to care for my Husband the way I was able to if it had not been for Hospice.
Take care of yourself ((hug))
So you need to do what you need to so that you stay healthy. And most of the time that i have seen i works out better having a caregiver come in and care for them because sometimes emotions can get in the way of providing the stern care that sometimes has to be used and that way they don't get hurt or upset with their loved one.
Hope this helped. If you have any other questions you can message me
Best of luck and you will be in my prayers.
Denise
I love him almost beyond life itself. But, if he isn’t living outside the home that end of life for me may be too soon. Do I want him home? YES. Is it the best for both of us? No
You need to both be in a good place so she’s cared for and you’re safe and not so stressed out you literally can’t see straight. Hardest thing I’ve EVER done
Trying to get Medicaid to pay for what I can’t is a nightmare. Get a good elder law attorney and accountant
God bless you and yours and peace on you
Take care.
Your idea will be extremely expensive. You are probably correct in saying that you trigger most of her responses. But it's so damn hard to ignore dementia behaviors. After a while we become desensitized to the needs of our LO.
Depending on how advanced her disease is, she will probably resist any decisions you make that will separate you two, or, where she will feel it's demeaning to her. However, for your own health and wellbeing, you've got to do something. Maybe bringing someone in a couple hours a day rather an entire day, would be enough to give you some respite. Finding an adult day care center might work. There she will be with other seniors, engage in activities and be significantly less expensive. I think the best plan, however, would be to find a care facility where she could spent some time and you could stay in your house for a month or two.
You may want to call your local Area Agency on Aging, the Alzheimer's Assn., or state Dept. of Aging and ask for advice.
I wish you luck.