My mother lives with me and her and her sister used to talk about living with each other when they were old. Mind you, this was over 30 years ago when they would have these talks. A few years ago my aunt came to visit and made a joke about if her husband dies, she'd come live with us. We kind of laughed it off and didn't respond. My mom does not want her to live with us and I don't either.
My aunt's husband just died and she asked if she could have an extended visit at our home because she doesn't know where to go. She does have health problems and probably shouldn't live alone, however she also has four children. She has her own home and one of her children lives nearby. I called one of her kids and explained why she can't come for a long visit but that my mom could visit her for a short time so she isn't alone but I'm afraid she's going to try and come to my home at the end of my mother's visit. Her and my mother will probably get into a fight if they spend too much time together, as well. They were close when they were young but have had several fights through the years and gone long periods without speaking.
She can't live here, I work fulltime and am barely keeping my head above water managing my mom and her needs, doctor appointments, 'behavior'. My aunt has complex health needs and I imagine a lot of doctor appointments, etc. How do I nicely explain to my cousins that she is their responsibility ?
My knee jerk answer is that you're the one with a car and can drive and fetch things and do things for her. Your mom can't do any of those. Aunt can put on the waterworks to get you to do what she wants.
That way she has some support and treatment if it makes her wig out.
Sorry, I think this is part of bringing her to your city, you have to be forthright and honest with her, it's only fair.
I don't think this is part of bringing her to my city. This isn't dropping off a coffee or having her over once a month for dinner. This is a manipulative woman calling me from the psych ward to try to get me involved in whatever is going on there. I'm done with that. Her and her kids can work this out or she has other siblings or people she can call. She is in a safe place and probably trying to get out of there so she can go home and chainsmoke in her nonsmoking apartment, smoke her pot, take her Ativan and avoid actually working on herself. The fact that she called multiple times right in a row means she is not emotionally regulated and needs to stay there longer.
Good for not answering Aunts calls. You may just have to ghost her for a while to force her to rely on someone else. And Xena saying Aunt will wear Mom down...its your house right. So Mom cannot allow Aunt to live there.
Hope you keep this thread going. Want to hear how it ends.
Yes, it is my house and my mom doesn't want her to live with us but she might feel guilted into doing something else. But the funny thing is that my aunt hasn't called my mom since she's been in there, she's just called me over and over. Why do you think that is?
Your Aunt needs more support that is currently available to her. Even loving children (and I hope I was that) can't always provide the level of care a parent or relative needs.
I will always recall my very loving, but practical SIL saying, after my mom was dxed with dementia and was delusional, " I always thought mom would come to live with us, but not if she's crazy."
I knew exactly what she meant. I couldn't care for mom (no space, NYC healthcare options would not be good, isolation from the rest of family) but my SIL's very clear thought process laid it out for all of us.
Your aunt is going to come down HARD on your mom. She will pull every trick in the book - guilt, manipulation, bullying, more guilt, etc., all in an attempt to get your mom to agree to let her live with you guys and take care of her.
You need to mentally prepare yourself for some antics. That crawling in the street business was mild compared to what is probably to come. You have many things on your plate to occupy your mind. Auntie thinks of NOTHING BUT THIS! She is plotting and planning.
She is going to dig deep.
I had a sort of similar situation with an aunt, whom I loved dearly, trying to manipulate me into staying with her at night, in addition to the bazillions of things I did for her during the day, every day. There was major push back when I kept my boundaries firmly in place.
Yikes! (WHY????? I know....none of my business.)
It's definitely something I wouldn't do. One full-time job would be enough. I wouldn't have a pet, and I definitely wouldn't be taking care of my elderly mother.
And of course I wouldn't be doing anything at all for a manipulative aunt.
When are you going to spell out the new boundaries to her, and when not if she besieges them day after day what exactly are you going to do about it?
Does your mother know about the one phone call a week rule?
You couldn't leave her alone in her house in the middle of nowhere, huh. Pity.
No excuses, no or very limited explanations.
Of course she may try to convince you or your mom.
You must learn to feel OKAY about yourself having the decision making POWER to say NO. If you get swallowed up in a guilt trip or she wears you down, due to you not feeling secure enough in yourself / your decisions, you will regret it.
Say "No, this won't work out." I would be willing to brainstorm other alternative housing if this might help you out." You will likely be meant with silence as she'll be stunned. If she can't 'crack you,' she'll likely try to work on your mom - and perhaps turn your mom against you/r decision, creating discord between you and your mom.
* If you have difficulty setting boundaries, limited, feeling okay about saying NO, take time outs to re-center yourself. If you need to call a friend for support, do it.
* Write down reasons ahead of time so you do not have to rely on specifics when you might be emotionally / psychologically triggered. You can refer to your list. As well, make a list of 'affirmations,' and/or inspirational sayings that will support you when you start to feel overwhelmed or attacked.
* If / when in the throws of this 'discussion,' when you feel overwhelmed, STOP, LEAVE. Breathe, regroup. Tell her you are clear on your decision and willing to help her out to find other alternatives (and limit your time with this). People who are needy also NEED boundary setting.
Good luck. Gena.
I dont think her children have actually spoken to her, I think they are just talking to the doctor. So I think she will try to show up on my doorstep and guilt us into letting her stay here. I hope I am wrong. If she shows up here I will give her a ride back to her apartment and tell her we love her but we aren't able to have the level of involvement that she seems to want. We will have her over to dinner once a month and talk to her on the phone once a week. If she needs more than that or tries to cross those boundaries then we won't be able to have anything to do with her.
It's been so nice with her being gone these last few days, I feel like I can breath again.
Take it or leave it really!
Aunt either accepts what you can offer - good. Or continue to push & hound you - which will result in the breakdown of your contact. Not so good, but will be as it will be.
I have had to do this twice (watered down). #1. Accepted with grace. Relationship still fine (win/win)
#2. Pushed too far. I now ignore 100% calls, most txts, & reduced contact. (win/whatever).
I suspect as soon as you & your Mother have shown you will not be her 'employees' she will be in full actor mode, talent scouting for replacements.
Only 5 hours of sleep? Why?
My mom thrived in an Independent Living facility which served 3 meals a day, had activities and transportation. Best of all, there was a geriatrics doc and a geriatric psychiatrist who visited several times a week.
We had no idea that places like that existed. We were given great advice by a psychiatrist who talked to mom when she was hospitalized after being in AL for a week. He explained that she needed people around 24/7 and more social contact, but not assistance with ADLs. It sounds like your Aunt is at about the same place.
I pray that your Auntie gets the help she needs. She obviously has some very serious issues that only professional care can successfully treat.
Doing everything you have, has actually put her in the best position to receive that help.
As challenging as this is, you were absolutely correct to step in and help.
Well done!
OP kudos for staying firm with your boundaries.
I have worked with some very bitter elderly people and some who were extremely kind and positive. The kind ones had wonderful attitudes and were grateful for their lives, they didn't spend their time focused on how they thought things should been or how others treated them, they just went on about their lives.
This woman walks like a model to the pool, descends down the steps with grace, toned physique, beautifully styled hair - artificially more blond than white, lipstick & earrings on.
Yes the men looked.
Yes the women looked.
A knockout movie star from the glamorous old days?
I imagine an extended stay in a hospital without the facials, hairstylist, hair-colourist, manicurist, personal trainer etc would have this gal looking like a regular person in no time.
Probably be the death of her though.
I think you are on to it.. sigh.
BUT. The silver lining is your Aunt may come to realise & accept there is more to life.. she has time..
It is the last *task* of our human life. Grateful & ok with our life, or bitter regrets.
Just give all your cousins ph#s to the SW. Even if they are mad at her, someone has to give permission to place her. Get to her financials. Easier for a child then a niece. Cousins get her set up, then they do not have to do anything else. Its up to them if they want the State to take over her care.
Once the SW contacts her children, you can step out of the picture. If its felt she needs to be in 24/7 care and her kids don't want to be involved, then its all up to the SW. Just say sorry I am not getting involved any more than I have. I care for my Mom and work f/t. I cannot care for this woman any more than I have. She has kids and siblings that can help her.
Go on your vacation and forget what is going on.
It does not sound like there were any discissions with aunt regarding expectations etc before she moved near them.
I really feel sad for the aunt at this point especially if no real conversations happened between all three of them.
Are you on the HIPAA forms? If not, then why did the doctor discuss her condition with you?
It will be interesting to see how she gets back to her apartment after release from the hospital...
Yes. While a fully independent person could/would call a taxi.. sick/injured/frail would rely on family, friend or neighbour.
The pressure will be on EN!
I'm wondering if you should make it clear in writing to the discharge folks that Aunt is not able to reach out for you for support and that you will NOT be stepping in.
How soon is that vacation?
EN, I'm very sorry to tell you this, but your story is only beginning.
Had she fallen?
You are concerned about your aunt, but also irritated.
Well, you're going to have to stop being concerned about her. Because either you are not involved, in which case you will be given no information about what is happening, in which case you will have no idea what you're actually dealing with. Or...
The fact is that you have already involved yourself. I agree that you can't have people wandering into your office to discuss family members, lunatic or otherwise; but the fact that the apartment manager knew where to find you and was able to wander in indicates that there is some sort of professional network underlying what you've been able to accomplish so far.
How can you formally hand her over to somebody competent?
But is not her POA/Guardian/financial or social support. Will not be providing supervision/caregiver after a hospital stay, in her home or mine. If she cannot return home just yet, she will need alternative arrangements.
This is where I am with my relative. It is working so far. I will give info - as an advocate & to assist clarity of needs (also to also ensure I am not 'volunteered' to be more than I have said).
They tried to get me to come in to the hospital to sit with her but I used to work at this hospital and I know that they would try to get me to assume responsibility for her. I would like for her to be psychiatrically placed but I'm not sure what they will ultimately do, this was about six hours ago and I haven't heard anything since. I did text her kids and let them know what happened.
I am concerned but also irritated. She has two walkers, both that she can move around easily, no reason for her to be crawling. She was alert and oriented when talking to my mom shortly before this so it wasn't a confusion sort of thing. She is sharp enough that she denied being suicidal to the hospital staff and also didn't share how her husband died. So she doesn't want to be held on a psych hold which leads me to the conclusion this is an attempt at manipulation.
Furthermore, I will not stand for this shit affecting my job. I do not people coming into my job to tell me about my (and I feel bad for saying this) lunatic aunt.
But well done with your boundaries!
Psych eval stat.
Maybe she really is struggling big time. That would be understandable - recent loss of spouse, astrangment from adult children, moving house - all that is a heap of grief & stress for anyone to deal with.
Or.. you didn't come hither, at her beck & call as she wanted so she upped her manipulation/attention/frailty game..
Either way, being admitted, getting Psych involved may just get a social worker & other help she needs.