To make a very long story short, my daughter does not have a good relationship with her grandfather. It has gotten worse since she is an adult now. She does not call him at all and does not want to be around him. I have tried to get her to open up to me about it but all she will say is that he is not a very nice person. If you are familar with my story, you know that my dad and I have not had a good relationship either. He is now in a facility and she has said that when she comes home, she will not visit him. My fear is that she may regret not visiting him if something happens to him. He has asked why she will not talk to him and I have told him it is because of his attitude and how he has been towards us at times.
He was "not a nice man" to his grandchildren either - that involved ignoring them when they were present, or conversely - ensuring that he wildly favored his grandson over his granddaughters when he did actually pay attention to any of them. When MIL was still alive, we made the effort to ensure that SHE saw the children - which unfortunately meant he did (in hindsight I actually DO regret this). But once she passed away - we no longer made the effort to ensure that HE saw the children - we gave them the option of whether they wanted to go visit or not - the youngest being 11 at the time - as they had all expressed to us that when they visited they basically avoided him anyway because he didn't engage or talk to them and when he did it was invasive or mean.
As adults -because he was incapable of being accountable for his own behavior (how he treated them, ignored them, talked badly about them to other people - quite literally the final straw for my youngest who still visited was him saying that his grandchildren never visited him to someone on the phone when she was literally sitting in the room waiting for him to get off of the phone so they could talk.)they collectively did not visit or call him.
When he was on his death bed - we gave each of them the opportunity to call (or visit) him in the SNF. Two were in other cities/states and took the opportunity to say goodbye via phone. Two were local (within a reasonable drive) - one (my youngest) asked to go with us to say goodbye. The other chose to say goodbye via phone. No one was pressured in ANY WAY to even talk to him, much less go in person.
It is hard when your children do not have a good relationship - but if you yourself do not have a good relationship and you know your father is not a good person or does not nurture relationships, it's not a giant leap to him not having a good relationship with your daughter.
Do any of our children regret anything about how they chose to interact with their grandfather - well realistically only they know if they feel differently deep down than they have expressed. But I can tell you that not one of them has ever said they regret protecting themselves and having the kind of relationship they had. They don't regret not seeing him much for many years before he died. THEY are not the ones that were in the wrong. They have nothing to feel bad or to regret. They did all they could to have a relationship with their grandfather and HE is the one that spoiled it.
Your story sounds familiar to mine. Before my dad went to facility, there were MANY times I would be at his house sitting with him and helping out. He would get phone calls while I was there. Once I heard him tell a friend of his that he does not have help on the weekends! I was sitting right there and guess what?? It was the weekend.
He needs to realize that he caused this situation and that my daughter and I did not. He was verbally/mentally abusive to my mom and I. When my daughter came along, he began to treat her the same way
Last time I checked the phone system works both ways, why some people sit around and never reach out, yet, they have the nerve to complain about someone else that does actually call is mind blowing to me. My mom did this crap and it made me less likely to call. Crikey, if you wanna talk to someone get off you backside and call them. It would amaze people to see how well that works out.
I have taken myself out of this equation. For someone to not want to talk or have contact with another person has to be for a very good reason. I do not need anything extra on my plate so I'm removing this. All I want is for my daughter to be happy. When you said that about your parents not attending recitals, it reminded me of the time when my dad was angry with my daughter's piano teacher's husband. It had nothing to do with piano lessons so because he was mad, he wanted my daughter to stop taking lessons but I refused. So he would not go to her recital. It is things like that he did that I'm sure my daughter remembers. He would not even attend her Senior Party dinner that I and a few other parents organized for our children. He was mad because we would have it at his house. But my daughter begged me not me because she was afraid he would embarrass her .
Do not make excuses for her absence, as Isthisrealyreal stated the ..." the phone system works both ways.", allow your granddaughter to make her own decisions, she is an adult and you might be actually making things more difficult for her by forcing the issue.
Please do not force your granddaughter to have a relationship with someone she is not comfortable doing so, it will only make things worse and create resentment towards you.
"@Daughterof1930,
I have taken myself out of this equation. For someone to not want to talk or have contact with another person has to be for a very good reason. I do not need anything extra on my plate so I'm removing this. All I want is for my daughter to be happy. When you said that about your parents not attending recitals, it reminded me of the time when my dad was angry with my daughter's piano teacher's husband. It had nothing to do with piano lessons so because he was mad, he wanted my daughter to stop taking lessons but I refused. So he would not go to her recital. It is things like that he did that I'm sure my daughter remembers. He would not even attend her Senior Party dinner that I and a few other parents organized for our children. He was mad because we would have it at his house. But my daughter begged me not me because she was afraid he would embarrass her ."
I had an Uncle who never cared how he hurt someone. My DD was on the chubby side at 10 and he called her fat. This was a man who was 300lbs. My daughter said nothing till we got out the door. "I was good Mom. I didn't say anything." I told her if she had, I would not have punished her. She hated that man until he died and still does.
I understand! Whenever my daughter comes home for a holiday, my dad would always badger her with questions or something about her weight. I told him specifically not to do this when she came home a couple of years ago, and he did it anyway. He asked a million unecessary questions, acted like he did like the food we prepared and he acted like he did not like his gifts.
It was very difficult explaining my reasons to those who insisted I visit people who had always been abusive, especially when they decided my reasons weren't valid. I no longer speak with any of my birth family, and this is one of the reasons.
Let your daughter maintain her distance, because what feels like "constant" reminding to call or pressure (even if it's not really that frequent) to have contact will potentially damage your relationship with your daughter.