I am 32 years old and caring for my 70 year old father. My mother passed from cancer 5 years ago. Basically, I have been caring for my parents since I was 26. My father lives in my home and needs assistance walking, bathing, getting meals made, keeping track of appointments. I leave my house for work, which I have had to go part time at because of how much care he needs, and come home to take care of him. I feel so angry because he refuses to enter a SNF, where he can get care that I can’t provide alone. He falls often enough that my local EMS knows our names. I don’t have helpful family members. Meanwhile, I can’t go on dates, or travel, or spend time with friends. I feel like my youth is flying by. I would love to have a chance to have a family of my own, and to see the world while my body still allows for it. But when I mentioned that to him, he just says I’m ungrateful for all the times he took care of me. I just feel hopeless in my current situation.
Since you are young and he is 70, give him a date that you will no longer be available to take care of him full time.
Give him phone numbers for Council on Aging or a Social Worker from his hospital. Always put in writing and keep a copy what you communicate to him.
You are too young to give up.
Yes of course you need to work on getting him out of the house and into care. But turning the tables on ‘I cared for you’ FOG might help you to toughen up a bit. At the moment he has everything his way, and that’s the way he likes it. Making it more even with 'I cared for you' will be a bit less likeable for him. It’s fair!
When he says you are ungrateful, mention that taking care of his children was his job. You didn't ask to be born, he decided that, and since he decided to have a baby, it is his god given duty to care for his family. When you decide to have babies, you will take care of them, that is paying it forward.
My extended family's father was always reminding him that he took him to the hospital when he was little and almost died, so he(the father) was owed. When I pointed out to the old fart that the parent's job is to take care of their children, even if it meant taking them to the ER. He got mad at me and said he was ex-communicating me from his list of friends. Boy, that showed me, (sarcasm).
Does he have a medical condition requiring nursing care? Why is he falling so often? If so, he may be beyond AL and need a nursing home. Contact your county or state department of aging for some advice and to locate a social worker who can do an assessment of his needs.
Let his attempts at guilt fall on deaf ears. You are not selfish or ungrateful, if anything HE is. You've done a number of years caring for both. Continuing as is will impoverish you, both now and for your own future needs. It will result in a lot of resentment for both of you. If possible, start seeking help with doctors, EC attys, SWs, etc to see what his options are. Inquire about Medicaid (most don't cover AL, only NH, but some do and many offer at least part-time in-home help, if he can move to senior housing.)
The guilt he lays on you is totally wrong and unfounded. Some who post on this site will also throw this kind of guilt around. Tune it out! Caring for a child one WANTED to bring into the world, a child who is small, but will grow both in size and independence is not the same as caring for a full-size overly-entitled adult who will NOT grow in independence and could suck the life out of you!
We can still be engaged and advocate for our parent(s) without having to do the hands-on caring. IF there is any way to get him living elsewhere, he will likely ramp up the guilt trips, but refuse to go on those vacations! It is fueled only by his sense of entitlement and hurtful as it might be, you know what you have done, what you have gone through and what you would like your life to be, so you need to shut yourself off from his berating and make positive changes. You, like he, are entitled to a life of your own!
Most excellent advice. Please, to the OP, get your dad placed in a long term care facility. You will be able to visit and still advocate for him. I wish I had not gone with “my parents wishes” through years of turmoil... falls, hospital stays, bad caregivers, no help from these offices others suggest because it was a poor area- now I am 51, unmarried, bouts of aggressive cancer, lung disease. Please, take care of you and have love, a family of your own. Find joy. The guilt he is placing on you is manipulative.