Hello everyone. I came here a 1 year ago asking for help and y'all really helped me so I'm back needing more help & advice. I've been a caregiver to my mom (who had a stroke) along with my niece for the last 6/7 yrs. We get paid to take care of her so it's my real job/career. I'm 39 with a 10 yo & my niece is 29 with a 5 yo. She's still young & wants to live her life and I completely understand. I forgot to mention she, her dad and son live with my mom. I live outside of the house. I would work with mom during the day while daughter is in school, and she picks up the evening shift.
I do all the hard stuff during the day (bathe, dressing, feeding, appointments) and all she has to do in the evening is feed her and get her in the bed. My mom is still able to lift herself and transfer from the wheelchair to the bed. Meaning it really isn't a hard job. My niece literally gets paid to stay home which she hardly does.
Recently she's been saying she is depressed, I told her to seek help which she didn't. She had a mental break down where she was screaming thru the house saying there's a devil in the house, screaming get out satan and then she ran out of the house around the block half naked (t-shirt & panties) in front of her son. I called the police they came, and she eventually had to be admitted to a mental hospital for 7 days. Now my mom isn't comfortable with her caring for her, and everything is on me, but my niece thinks everything is okay and she is capable to care for my mom.
I told her we're not comfortable with her mental stability right, but she stills want to get paid saying that this is how she financially takes care of her son. I told her she should've thought about that before she ran out the house naked.
I agreed to allow her to get paid until she finds another job. I understand it's the holidays & I'll do any for her son. But now I feel like she's getting paid to do absolutely nothing. She is not even trying to prove she's better or getting better. She still hangs out with the same ppl & now everyone she knows suffers from depression.
At this point I'm caring for mom day & night. I can't enjoy my apartment or my relationship. It affected my daughter's life as well she can't enjoy her school break now because she must get up every day to go with me. My niece & her dad is just taking up space in my mom's house and I don't know how to feel or what I can do to get them out of her house. Please help!
Your second mistake was to agree to continue to pay her for doing nothing. What example does that set for her son? Not a good one that's for sure.
You being a pushover(that's your 3rd mistake)has now put you in this position of moms 24/7 care, and between a rock and a hard place. And now it's your family that is suffering. How unfair!
You must put your husband and your daughter before anyone else including mom. You know that right?
Perhaps it's best that you and mom start looking into assisted living facilities for her, where she will get the help she needs, and you can get back to just being her daughter and not her caregiver. And the rest of the useless family can once and for all get out on their own and quit mooching off of your mom.
It's time for some "tough love" for these moochers and time for you to get a back bone and stick up for what's best for you and your mom, as unless things start changing, your marriage and family life may suffer irreversible damage.
And since it's your moms house, she can give them a 30 day notice to vacate the premises and can file an eviction notice with the local sheriffs dept.
i just want to say:
poor you. you’re in a very tough spot!!
—i feel sorry for your niece, running out naked, shouting there’s a devil in the house. she obviously had a psychotic episode (psychosis) (losing touch with reality). no one is responsible for what they do during a psychosis. a person in a psychosis, can’t control their thoughts/behavior.
—there can be several possible causes of psychosis, such as: (1) taking drugs; or (2) too much stress; or (3) manic-depression/bipolar, with intervals of being fine, and then suddenly cycles of psychosis, or alternatively depression. (4) other causes.
—if psychosis happens once, it can unfortunately happen again. some people are lucky, it never happens again.
—i feel sorry for your niece. it’s not her fault she became temporarily ill (unless she took drugs and therefore had psychosis).
—she needs the money/job. i can understand.
—i feel sorry for you OP too, of course. this has had a lot of bad consequences for you, and it sounds like your niece has gotten lazy, taking advantage of you doing it all.
i have no solution.
i empathize with you!!
i hope things get better very soon. sometimes, when things are going terribly, a solution appears - simply because it MUST appear, you MUST have a solution. things will get solved for you!! i hope well and soon, for you!!
You mention your niece is still being paid even though she’s not working. Is it ethical for her to use your mom’s money (or the state’s money if it’s through a Medicaid program) if she is no longer doing her job?
Family caregiving is hard and with it all apparently on you, perhaps an entirely new plan needs to be made.
I am glad that you are getting paid. I’m sorry that you no longer have help. You made the best decision for you and your mom to discontinue employing your niece. She needs to focus on herself right now. I hope that she is receiving outpatient therapy after being released from the hospital.
I understand that you have empathy for her because of your nephew. I love my nieces and nephews too, but there is a limit to our generosity. Most importantly, your mom’s safety and your sanity are especially important.
How long had your niece been helping you? Has she shown any signs of mental illness before this? Her behavior was certainly bizarre.
Did you have an agreement with her about severance pay or is she trying to manipulate you into continuing to pay her until she finds other employment?
What do you want at this point in time?
Do you want to hire someone else to take the place of your niece? Do you feel like caregiving is becoming too difficult for you even with another helper?
Why is your daughter going with you? Is she filling in for your niece? That is a lot to ask of a child. I am sure that this whole situation is really super stressful for you, your mom and your child.
Did your mom do rehab after her stroke in a facility?
My father suffered a stroke. He was in a skilled nursing facility for rehab.
If she was in rehab, how did she do? Are you interested in researching available resources to help with your mom?
Have you spoken to the council on Aging in your area? Have you asked your mom’s doctor to connect you with a social worker? A social worker can help you find out what would be the best next steps as far as care goes for your mom.
My heart goes out to you and I wish you and your family all the best.