I’m just curious to see the various responses. Obviously, it will vary depending on the relationship & situation. I’m just wondering what others do.
Mom has early-mid dementia and I’ve gotten into a routine of going to visit her in Memory Care weekly on the same day. For about an hour, we just sit in the main room and we talk about weather, food, my pets, etc. It’s kinda awful. I would probably be okay with 10 min visits but she always hates it when I leave and I always feel guilty because I would hate being left there or being in her shoes too!! I would like to visit less often but I worry that I’ll regret not visiting more when she’s gone. It’s a cycle of feeling either guilt, or inconvenienced and resentment, or fear of future guilt! When I ask the nurses if the other residents’ kids come to visit and how often, they say it varies but 1-3 x week for most. We never had the best relationship but I think we both did the best we could. I just find myself dreading the weekly visit because there are so many other things I should (could) be doing to feel productive but I also struggle with just sitting there trying to think of things to say! I’m the only visitor she has. I sometimes take her out to the store or to eat but it’s getting more difficult to do that. She’s always happy to see me but I’m not even sure she would know if I skipped a week. If I could touch base with a phone call instead of a visit, I would but she keeps turning off her phone by accident so an in person visit (25 min drive) is the only option. I work from home so it’s do’able. It’s just starting to feel more like a chore and I hate the guilt of not taking advantage of the remaining time she has since dementia will probably steal her ability to talk at all before we’re prepared.
How often do you visit if you’re in the same town and what do you do during your visit? Do you find it difficult to just sit and do nothing if they aren’t really capable of engaging except for simple conversation?
With Dad, he was a little more aware, and had alway had a terrible sweet tooth. (Thank goodness he waas not a diabetic) So I would stop at the donut shop on the way ther, and buy a few of his favorite glazed donuts. When I arrive at the Dementia care facilty, I'd take Dad to his room, (and make us a cup of decaf and have donuts. While we watched reruns (actually they were tapes) of Everybody Loves Raymond. Dad just loved that show. Other times, we listened to CD's of his favorite music Dean Martin, Tony Bennet, Frank Sinatra, etc. And while the music played we look at old family photos.
That was something I'd tried with Mom, but quickly realized she could not see enough to see the photos, due to cataracts. By the time we'd gotten her eyes done, she was no longer cognitively able to understand.
Then with Dad, who was about five years behind Mom on the Alzheimer's path, I started a photo album for him. It was a big 4 inch thick binder, titled "La Mia Famiglia" (Italian for : My Family). In the photo album there were a few basic pictures of Dad, and Mom, to start. Then every time I visited, I brought a few pages of more photos. The best of the old ones. So we'd mount the photos in the album, and I'd ask him questions about the people/places or time. Dad would still remember the old days, his brothers, and family.
My favorite was the day I'd brought a simple photo of Mom, from when she had been about sixty years old. And as Dad gazed at that photo for a long while, he said: "So beautiful. She was always so beautiful."
He is in skilled care and can only feed himself, so other activities and difficult to find. He does like music, and I always try to be there when they are having special programs because if the staff asks him if he wants to go, he will say No. I don't give him the opportunity, I just say we are going to ???. He has little attention span for TV, although I try to find music or play CD for him when I am there.
Meadow, Barb53, best wishes to you both.
long tale. Ask others for talk ideas,, help her start a notebook, a pretty one, with life details, photos....
if her her memory is affected, you might be able to repeat topics. I hope you get lots of replies. You sound kind and caring. Keep visiting, and best wishes.
I am writing from the patients perspective. I was diagnosed at the age of 57 with early onset Alz just about 3 1/2 yrs ago. After spending a couple of months reading up on this site, I thought about what I would like in terms of visitation. I've told my DW that I want to be put in a LTC facility at least 100 mi from where we live.
I've told my DW and children three of whom are adults and one is 12, that when it is time for me to go in to Memory Care, I want them to continue on with their lives, I won't remember whether they visited or not and I can't bear the thought of them feeling they had to entertain me and not know who they were. I want it to be inconvenient for them to visit so they won't feel obligated to make daily visits. I don't want them driven by guilt. We've had a very loving marriage, I want them to enjoy all of the time they have in their lives and with their own families. Let mom get on with her life, and make a new life for herself.
I am sorry you are an unwilling visitor, that means you are walking into the visit with a somewhat negative frame of mind. And "stressing" over "what will we talk about" just adds to this being a negative experience. I'll bet your LO can sense on some level what you are feeling. I am not "blaming" or "shaming" you, just trying to state what i understand of the situation. But during your visits if you have some simple "activity" or subjects in mind you may also have less anxiety over the visit.
And one or 2 hours are enough. Your LO may actually get too "tired" if you stay overlong.
During your stroll around (inside and/or outside) you can stop just to say hello to the staff and to fellow residents. Does your LO like puzzles. Find 100 piece puzzles you can do together in a short amount of time. Does your LO like to read? Take magazines with interesting articles you can read aloud then discuss (if possible) or just give your thoughts on it. You could take a book that the 2 of you like so you can read it together. Take various picture albums (not all at one time, rotate ones you bring). Are you the only person who visits? Maybe some of your LO's other relatives or friends can also visit.....or join you in your visit.
Good luck and prayers 🙏
Part of problem is that it can seem like the same visit each time - so do something to direct the conversation like taking old family pix or a book of whatever you want to talk about [garden, dogs, etc] -
I gave her a cute mauve metal container with silk flowers in it for Mother's Day with the idea that I could bring a new stem & re-arrange the flowers as part of the visit just for something a bit different to do
It is on you to set the tone of the conversation & bringing a 'prop' to help will make it easier on you both - go to a dollar store for these things - my mom loved getting anything so even a dog toy to use as an exercise ball for her hands made her happy or a child's toy can be re-purposed to do the same - the brighter the better as it will grab her attention
I tried to mix it up a bit so that the NH didn't know exactly when I was coming so that she wasn't just 'done up nice' once a week - when I went away I left 'parcels' that I did up with small items that I supposedly mailed from my trip but it was the staff who would give her 1 every few days so that she felt 'remembered'
As to how often that is up to you but by bringing something this will take up a good part of the visit - share pix from you cell phone if you can - I even would take pix of new decorating item I was doing & just talking about it out loud helped me - if I had an idea while talking to mom I would let her think she came up with it & thank her for help which made her feel better about herself
I hope this can help you make more meaningful visits with your mom & creat nice memories that you can look back on in the future
The worst part is, some days she knows me , other times she doesn't. The nurses tell me that she forgets I was even there, 5 minutes after I leave.... : (
Do what you can for her, but you have to find a balance to keep your sanity as well.
You'll have to find what works for you and your mom.
Some of us don't have the quiet mom who naps most of the time and enjoys being read to while holding hands. Some of us have moms that are angry and violent and repetitive and disheveled and combative and sometimes lucid "just enough" to push every button you have.
So I guess what I am saying is you need to evaluate your own situation and do what you can do. Don't guilt yourself because another poster has a very cathartic, peaceful, loving visit and you don't. Visits with my mom vary from day to day and week to week. Some times I leave crying and other times I leave with a smile on my face. Do what you can do and know that is enough.
Take care.
Sometimes I stay 15 minutes, sometimes an hour or so. It depends how he feels and if he’s sleeping. He eats in his room, not with the group, but this is how he is normally. He’s fine alone- never complains. Never feels “sick” despite having C diff and dangerously low potassium. He argues with the aides about changing clothes because he says he’s comfortable... but otherwise he is happy just to “be.” I wish I knew how to get him involved with some of the activities, but honestly, he never would have participated 30 years ago, so he hasn’t changed much. I visit, my husband visits, and when his grandkids come home from college they always visit... but otherwise he lost my mom almost 2 years ago, and many friends have passed.
Do what you can... you are doing the BEST you can.
Peace and hugs