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I'm so sure like many of you, I am feeling exhausted and raw.


I apologize guys, but this is kinda for us gals! But your input may be valuable!!


I'm tired, I'm stressed and the last thing that's on my mind is intimacy!


I stay up late almost every night, because that's when the world becomes small (if that makes sense).


I adore my husband and want to make him happy, however, I just can't seem to shut my brain off. Mounds of paperwork, grocery lists , medical care, podiatry care, scheduling hair appointments, endless calls from Memory care and NM, banking for someone else and visits are all consuming.


My hubby has been very understanding, but I fear his patience is running thin. I don't blame him!


What is your best advice for me and all the others that are feeling this way??

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I know you really wanted answers from the ladies here, but hopefully, my male perspective comes across respectfully. Right now I'm going through a duel caretaker situation with one parent, 72 yrs old, hospitalized after being in a skilled nursing facility, after a serious hospitalization for a health event prior, and the other parent is 84 and needs daily assistance and some watching to prevent accidents due to bad knees. All my other siblings have families, I'm single right now, childless. I don't know how I would be able to maintain a functional romantic relationship, that wouldn't be one-sided, because of the emotional demands, burden, and expectations I'd be placing on the other person, with little time to reciprocate, and then to chase sex would just be using the person. As a man, I think most men, in general, need to grasp that old pearl of wisdom, that sex in a relationship doesn't begin at night when the bedroom door closes, and the light goes off; it starts in the morning when you get out of bed and greet each other in the kitchen. In other words, intimacy starts by maintaining the emotional part of it throughout the day, which is one of the first casualties of an ongoing caregiver experience. I think people in general, who would like to continue being intimate during this whole process where the burden is mostly on one partner, need to work to maintain a safe place for keeping emotional intimacy going first during this whole thing, then a desire and enjoyment of sex would probably follow.
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Davenport Dec 2020
GGLizzy, I'm female, 65+ and have two male friends, both slightly younger (not enough to matter, though, for this topic). The 3 of us are single, no children, and have been full-time and live in caretakers. I really appreciate your input! I second your thoughts: The 3 of us know we can't maintain any sort of romantic relationship in our current situation. It's one of the many hard truths of parents living much longer than our grandparents and greatgrandparents used to; improved healthcare and healthy living in the past 60 years have had this unintentional result of folks at our phase of life spending these decades being full-time 'parents' to our own. I feel that 'we' are the first generation that have not had public, social, political, holistic, structural support. Thank god for my peers here on this forum, my friends and acquaintenances in this situation, and support groups. I pray that by the next generation, we'll begin to see support for us 'invisible' 50 and 60 y/o's who are finally not working full time, raising children full time, yet living in this purgatory. But for those of us here who ARE married, I thank you for your insight on maintaining romance and intimacy. Well done : )
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My husband and I go for a walk or a hike almost nightly. It seems we get out any issues at the beginning and then by the end we are very loving towards each other.
Our intimacy is related to time together and getting everything off our chests. Since we get out nightly, there usually aren’t any issues that are so big that sour the moment.
I will echo that sex is fun and doesn’t have to be a big deal. Embrace the quickie. Embrace different times of days and locations. However, NEVER wake me up in the middle of the night! I have my caretaking duties to do that.
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Jodi,

Years ago I had a co-worker who was having a similar problem. Just not in the mood, but she had a good marriage and knew her husband was feeling neglected (for lack of a better word).

She ended up going to her gynecologist and got some very low dose testosterone. It was a game changer for her and she raved about it.

I don't know if this would be appropriate for you but I just wanted to throw it out there as a consideration.
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xrayjodib Dec 2020
EP,

Great advice!!

Hopefully 2021 will be better than 2020!!!

Happy New Year!!
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Your profile says that you are caring for two women, not your husband. This makes it easier, because it isn’t your husband’s body that has become difficult to bear with. My suggestion to you is just to go with the sex, however you feel. With low expectations, it doesn’t take very long. It is a genuine act of love when you don’t really feel like it. Just do it with and for him, without expecting a Hollywood love scene, candles, massage, all that paraphenalia. You may enjoy the simple pleasure of skin contact. It will make him feel better, and that will make you feel better too. Sometimes that’s the way my marriage works, and it works well for both of us. We look after each other’s needs in that as well as other ways. Very best wishes, Margaret
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xrayjodib Dec 2020
Margaret ,

Thank you for your input!

I just replied to some one else, but it may bear repeating.
Just a little more info.

Besides being responsible for these two women, this last year I have been dealing with colon cancer, a fractured foot and just had major spine surgery.
I am physically and mentally exhausted!

You're right, sometimes simple skin contact is awesome!! It's enough for me at this point, however, that's not usually the case with my hubby! Lol

I'm most definitely a work in progress!!

Merry Christmas!
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OK, I am gonna get in trouble here, but have you considered a bit of "MEDICAL" marijuana if it is legal in your state? They even make "tea" now. I mean it does kind of loosen one up.
Not, of course, as though I PERSONALLY would ever consider doing such a thing. They might take my badge!
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xrayjodib Dec 2020
Alva,

I would absolutely consider it, however, my hubby is a Doctor and wouldn't go for it.

It's a great thought!!
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My advice is to try to treat caregiving as though it is a job; dedicate certain days/hours to getting done what needs to be done and then outside of that mentally remind yourself that you are off the clock. I've also heard that setting aside some specific one on one time (a date night?) can be a good way to keep the spark alive between couples.
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xrayjodib Dec 2020
Thanks cwillie!!

As always, on point!!
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For a man, sex is physical. For a woman, it's mental. Having sex when our minds aren't into it is very difficult. If we do it for 'their sake', they'll know it. The idea is to have BOTH of us involved in intimacy so we can BOTH enjoy it. Not one doing a favor for another or the 'grin & bear it' method. At least that's my take on things.

Date night, as suggested, is my #1 preference in this department. That way, I can plan for taking a bath, setting the mood, the whole nine yards.

Hope you try it and it works a charm for you & DH! And also that you can treat your caretaker role as a 9-5 type of job, as cwillie suggested. I turn my phone to vibrate after dinner and leave it that way till morning. There is NO job on earth that should be done 24/7. Your loved ones are in care homes, as is my mother, and THEY are the ones doing the hands on care. They know how to call 911 if necessary so WE can get the rest and the breaks we need.
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MargaretMcKen Dec 2020
Lealonnie, this sounds just lovely, but it is exactly what is not working for OP. The 'oldest profession' didn't get going because women couldn’t do it without ‘the whole 9 yards’. Men didn’t turn it down because of the motives of the professional. There are many ways to show love in a good marriage, and one of them is meeting each other's needs.
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I just want to give some perspective as a wife who is usually in the stereotypical husband's shoes in this situation. Over the course of my marriage, I have always been the one who wants sex more. We have had many dry spells and not by my design. I have had a tough road with my mom's and my dad's care as well as a brother acting atrociously throughout...sex would have been a welcome escape.

Simple advice--try your best have sex with your husband. It can be EXTREMELY LONELY being the sexually neglected partner.
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I have been a caregiver for over 10 years first to my mom and now my dad (98). I have given up my life to be here out of six children I am the only one. I have continued high blood pressure, my stress levels have been out of this world and I have other health issues because of all this stress. I try to take off for a few day when I can get someone to stay with dad. These are not very often. I am told my own children that if I ever got like this I will go into a nursing home. I will not be selfish.
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Davenport Dec 2020
Khays, you have my support and understanding. Like you, I'd never, ever, allow my children to 'do' for me what my sisters and I've done [had to do] for my mom. I've come to think of my mom as selfish in her insistence on 'dying at home', never ever leaving her house 'except on a stretcher' ('jokingly'), etc. Her three children are into 10+ years of hell to indulge her 'cute', naive, selfishness. At 90+, she and her generation never, ever had to care for their parents beyond about 70, when she was 50. Now at 70, we're having to care for our 90 y/o parents. As humans, we need to rethink everything. There's no delicate way to discuss this topic.
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This may sound hateful, and it might be too graphic, but after having to clean my husband's body after an episode of diarrhea, the last thing I want to do is be intimate with him. He is 81 and has had ED for about 6 years, so our intimacy has been non existent for several years. Now one of his meds has rekindled his interest, but I find I just don't to.
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