Sorry this is just a vent but any other day MIL is beyond miserable and argumentative with us but this AM we had an appointment for blood work today and she was beyond pleasant and happy especially with the office staff. She is still living with us and would love to have her be like that at home but unfortunately that never happens.....I also think she has caught on to doing this with the area Agency people too since she has done a total 360 the last time they were here to visit. She def does need more care than we can give her but this whole process is just sooooo overwhelming........Thanks for listening :)
Now that she has moderately advanced dementia, we call it Showtiming. Putting on the I'm Okay Face for the caregivers and doctors and other residents so many wonder what she's even DOING living in Memory Care. She can make small talk like there's no tomorrow, but don't ask her a REAL question, b/c she has no idea what day of the week it is.
Don't expect your mother to act any other way but perfectly lucid & charming when she needs to; when there's something at stake she has to BE charming in order to qualify for. It's the game they play. They reserve all their angst & animosity for those they're 'closest' to, ironically enough.
Too bad the ones who do the MOST for them are the ones to suffer their wrath the worst, huh?
What I find helps to deal with this overwhelming burden so many of our elderly "loved ones" put on only us, is to set up boundaries and stick to them, and don't allow someone to behave like a entitled ingrate in your home, regardless of their age or family relation. MIL needs a good reminding of exactly whose house she's living in and who's helping her out. The same as a kid acting up would get told, 'my house, my rules'. Same thing. When a performance starts up, totally ignore her. Do not give it any attention whatsoever and just go about your business as usual.
If her behavior is unmanageable to you then move her out of your house into an AL or nursing home. Don't let your life get hijacked by her with guilt trips either.
Bottom line. If she wants to stay in your house then she has to keep her bad behavior in check. If not then she leaves.
Performances - yes, we have the "performance" face, put best foot forward when dealing with "others", those not part of close family or living in the same space. "Act like a lady" was one of my mother's favorite instructions, first with me, then with my daughter!!! My mother was nicey-nice to everyone, but behind their backs? I used to say if we disagreed whether something was black or white, and I just gave in and said sure, whatever you said, she would jump the fence and insist it's the other color! Argument for argument's sake. UGH!
Boundaries - if you are adamant and stand your ground on these issues, maybe she will learn. It depends on how long this has gone on, was she like this before moving in, does she have any dementia, etc. Make as many boundaries as you can and stand firm. Sometimes you might win, sometimes maybe not. If you can move to a space she isn't in, without her following, that might be best. Distance yourself, even if you have to go outside for a few minutes. Go into the bathroom and shut/lock the door, even if you don't have to go. Deep breath and relax, let the angst flow out. Repeat as needed.
Argumentative: Remember, it take two to tango. Do NOT take the bait. Do NOT argue with her. Whether it is important or not, don't argue. She starts something, ignore it, walk away, refuse to engage. She may still rant and rave, but just go where you can't hear it or put on some head phones. Some people just seem to get a kick out of arguing, but if you don't respond, there's no argument. Count to 10, or more, as you walk away. It will still get your dander up, but you CAN fight it. My ex used to push my buttons. My daughter, 5yo at the time, came up with the solution (we were on the phone.) She said "Why don't you just hang up?" I looked at her in amazement, and did just that. He would call back, just so he could hang up on me (jerk!) At a later date, he said something that I knew would lead to a fight. I was thinking how to respond, and after a few seconds he asked if I was going to answer him. The answer came to me as he said that. I replied "No, because if I do we will get into an argument and I don't want to fight about anything." He went ballistic! So, I calmly hung the phone up and then took it off the wall (unplugged.) No cell phone back then or Caller ID! So, he could call and it would ring on his end, but not mine, so I dismissed it all and could go back to what I was doing before he called without any more interruption!
It might take some time and practice not responding to her taunts, but eventually you get the hang of it.
Miserable: Remember, happiness comes from within. You can't MAKE her happy. If she's always been more or less miserable, you just have to let it slide, like her starting arguments. Don't take the bait. Does she have anything to do, either helping out with the house work or activities she likes, to keep her busy? Are there places she can go to engage with others, like the Sr Center or some church functions? Anything to get her out and about. Sitting around looking at the same four walls can drive all of us nuts! We've been living this for a while now...
Are there plans to move her to IL or AL, where she can mingle with others, hopefully playing nice? She can get more care there, be a little more "independent" and be out of your hair.
(someone mentioned "show-timing", which is what I first thought when reading just the title, but that is different. That is usually when someone with early dementia can pull up their socks and "appear" more normal, in front of others, esp doctors, so they don't realize the person has cognitive issues. Typically it only lasts long enough to get through minimal interactions, like a doctor visit or a relative briefly visiting. It wears off quickly and they are back to whatever.)
"So in So is coming over and you WILL be GOOD".
Think about it.
Are you not on better behavior with the strangers you meet daily, upon whom you are dependent for services, than you are with your late hubby when he comes home late to dinner?
This is the way humans are. Apparently it survives even when we are impaired.
You show your 'best side' to people you don't know. It's innate in us--we want people to like us, so we behave in a manner that will most likely show ourselves in a good light.
Around those who are caring for us, living with us--we let it all out, the good, the bad, the ugly, b/c at some level, we know THEY will love us anyhow. Everyone does this, to some degree.
My mom can play up the sweet little granny to the point it's beyond kind of sickening, but she's ALWAYS been this way. People who only know my mom through church or the Sr Center she attends are always saying "Oh, she's just such a little doll! So sweet and kind!" Uh, no, she's not, but what good would it do to argue that point with them.
When mom gets sicky-sweet around people, I play stupid. Only if she is actually offensive or mean to me do I say anything about her behavior. What would be the point?
No one has to tolerate being treated with disrespect and indignity. Our homes will not be treated like a dog-house either. Our "loved ones" must have it established that their bad behavior will not be tolerated and that the family will not become servants to them because they are elderly and need care. That we will not help them or care for them if they behave abusively. The "nice as pie" performance has to extend to us as well if they need or want something or they're not getting it.
My mom was once in the Emergency room, due to out of control behavior, but she was "Miss Congeniality" once she got there. It understandably took the hospital staff a little while to see through her pretense, as her true new self shone through. Finding a sense of humor within this "new normal" helped. She'd sometimes tell me to "Drop dead and go someplace warm" over nothing, by the way. She never spoke to anyone like that, about anything, let alone to me, about nothing. Hubby would mouth the words to me, "She's not really your mother," and he was right. After a while, I told this once very nice woman that if she wanted me to go there, I better bring sunscreen and a hat. Like I said, a sense of humor helps. Writing the book helped me too, in terms of it being a cathartic experience for me, and hoping that it helped others in the process. Best of luck.
See All Answers