He lives with us. He is 84 widowed for 4 years, met her at church, 3x divorced. Has spent over 500K on this woman in the last year. Home, trips, credit card, etc. He and my husband have had several arguments haven't spoken in a month. He knows it's not appropriate, doesn't care. Doesn't care he is burning through his life savings. His expectation is we will pickup the pieces if he doesn't have any money. Our retirement plan did not included supporting 84 year old fool and his girl friend.
I would be in favor of eviction. He clearly can support himself.
Me too! Smart answer.
How sure are you about the numbers, exactly, and how do you know what he's spending?
What actual conversations have been had? For example: you say "his expectation is we will pick up the pieces if he doesn't have any money." H'm. Is that his real expectation, or the sort of thing that gets shouted during an argument?
At a very low point, I once heard myself sobbing to my SIL that it would help if my brother could have a conversation instead of picking a fight. When there are many, complicated emotions in the mix it can be very difficult to *talk*. Are you involved or are you staying out of it and ducking crossfire?
I can guarantee that when Dad finally blows through his money, his chickie will disappear as well. If, at that point, he expects you to support him and you do, that’s insane. If your husband gives any indication that this is what will happen, I would take steps now to prevent myself from losing all MY money. Have your Social Security check, if you get one, deposited into your own account. You are entitled to half of the assets and I would see an attorney to make sure those are protected from being used to support your FIL
Your FIL cannot be reasoned with because right now, he’s thinking with his...well, you know. Hubby should not waste his time arguing with his father. This is a Life Lesson FIL needs to learn on his own. It will be difficult for your husband to just remain quiet, but this is what he needs to do. This is why I’ve suggested getting FIL out of your home. If he is in need of care, turn him over to the chickie. She’ll disappear even faster then.
500K?? Seriously?? Unfathomable, at least in my world. Is she scamming him? Elder abuse? Maybe consult an attorney or do some googling on the topic? I'm sure he's not the first or the last guy to be taken advantage of!
Very difficult territory. Sorry that father and son are estranged over this. Leaves you in one heck of an awkward situation. Must be a little tense around the old homestead??
I guess you could say it's his money, he can do what he wants with it which may technically be true but I think she could be totally manipulating and using him and I would imagine your hubby is not thrilled to see all your dad's money going to a stranger vs being used for himself or for his own family.
This makes me wonder if there is a way to put a clause in a POA stating that if I start acting out of character, even without a medical diagnosis, that my children can step in and stop me. Really, if I'm fortunate to live to an old age, the last thing I want to do is fall in love with some young Romeo and give him my life savings.
The elderly are SO vulnerable. They may still be cognitively functioning, but they are much less able to be rational and think clearly. They lose judgement.
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Time to grow up son, get out! And have that whore earn that money.
My dad lost every penny in a similar situation, one difference being that I absolutely refused to help him in any way as long as she benefited one penny.
He was mad as a wet hen, tough, because I guarantee it was nothing compared to how I felt about paying for his whore.
Dirty old men
How much has he got left?
The thing is. One thing that does dawn on some people at a certain point is the realisation that "you can't take it with you," and that if you want to spend you've got to do it while you've got the chance. And if he's always been the reliable, responsible type, and his eyes have been opened to the fun he's been missing.... well.
He can go and have fun. But perhaps not on the understanding that he can do so at your risk.
How about making him buy some really good long term care insurance as a condition?
I might sadly point out to him that if he runs out of money and needs help, it seems probable that his girlfriend will suddenly be the one who doesn't care. But I doubt if that would stop him either.
And her? What's she got to say for herself?
Set up a come-to-Jesus meeting at your house between Ms. Gold Digger & Daddy right away. Let them BOTH know that since Daddy bought her a house, he has to move in with her immediately, so she can begin caring for him in their new place! His money will be running out shortly and the 6K per month she's blowing on crapola needs to be spent on HIS care now, that's just how it goes. She will proceed to dump him in short order and you can then SELL the house he bought her, recoup some of that wasted $$$$, and get the situation back under control!
That's what I'd do, if it were me, because he's thinking with his small head now & past the point of no return. Men. Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em. But you CAN get rid of their gold-diggin' girlfriends if you play your cards right!
Best of luck!!!
FIL wanted to marry her. She refused because she didn’t want him to have access to ANY of her money from her deceased husband. She left everything to her kids.
Louisiana is a community property state so she wouldn’t marry him. She could have done a prenup for her house.
Anyway, fast forward, there were problems all along in the relationship. She was a piece of work!
We didn’t care if he moved on in an appropriate relationship at an appropriate time. He was vulnerable. This relationship was far from healthy. I think he may have felt trapped.
My husband and his dad were close before she stepped in. MY husband and FIL eventually became estranged.
This woman ended up isolating him from all friends and family by threatening to leave him if he didn’t do everything she wanted, go out dancing, dinners at expensive restaurants, extensive traveling, a new house in a different state that wasn’t a community property state, jewelry, a new car, designer clothing and accessories, etc.
Money was important to her. She asked him to pay for everything, which he gladly did. It was his business but it cost him his family and friends. I hope he was happy with her and it was worth it for him.
Money doesn’t buy happiness. Some of my happiest times in life was when I was first starting out and struggling. I had goals. I met them. Part of the journey of life that makes it meaningful. People and relationships are more important than money.
God knows we tried to resolve and heal issues but FIL was like your FIL refusing to listen to reason.
They moved to another state (not a community property state) threw us out like yesterday’s garbage. She never did marry him, even after they moved to a non community property state. The woman died 25 years later and now he wants to make peace with my husband. Not sure what hubby will do. He did call his dad because I told him that he may not want to have regrets later. He has not seen his dad and I told him that I will support whatever he decides to do.
It’s a little too late to be a father and grandpa now. My kids are grown and don’t know him. They support their dad. Perhaps they can have a civil relationship in some way. We forgave him ages ago. None of us hate him. No grudges. Not worth the time and energy to hold grudges. We don’t want bitterness in our hearts. We were forced to move on. I personally sought therapy to help work through it.
Life can get so complicated. FIL missed seeing his grandkids grow up. They would cry and ask why did grandpa forget about them. Tragic for innocent children.
He’s basically a stranger now but has returned to Louisiana and is living in an assisted living facility. He is 96 years old now! I am glad that he at least saved enough money for a facility.
I surely hope hope it works out for your family. It’s tough! Everyone has a unique situation. I hope there is hope with your FIL.
The first time we heard my FIL call her by the pet name he called my sweet MIL, we wanted to throw up.
My FIL was down right cheap before being with her. Didn’t spend a penny more than he had to. She came along and he emptied his pockets.
MIL didn’t even have a housekeeper when she was dying from non Hodgkin’s lymphoma. He was too cheap! I cleaned for her. But he hired a housekeeper for her. Sickening!
Oh wait, he was very frugal with grocery shopping. She comes along and buying organic everything. That is, produce for salad, she made it clear that she wasn’t going to cook. They ate out all the time.
It’s so interesting to see a true character change in some men when this happens after being with women like this.
Thank God he saved money for assisted living because he sure as hell isn’t going to be staying with us.
We have my mom living here now. One parent is enough. Plus mom has always been in our lives. She is deserving.
He checked out of our lives to be with her. Glad he found a place to live. If money runs out at the ALF, oh well...My husband already said that he would not be willing to take him in even if my mom wasn’t here.
😶
But. Does he mean because "it would be too public"? Does he imagine that he and she are not already a topic of considerable interest in his community? I think I agree with SendHelp, that asking his church's pastor for guidance might be productive.
Pastors must hear all kinds of things. I’m sure they have heard it all, huh? Surely, they offer prayer and support and in some cases, practical advice or solutions to help. Not always, though.
Let’s hope her pastor has experience, education, training for dealing with life situations and compassion for her.
I know a friend of mine who went to her pastor about a particular family matter, her husband committed suicide in their home (over money issues) and their eight year old daughter found him. It was awful. The pastor at her church told her that he was not qualified to help her, nor did he have the time to counsel her. He told her to seek professional help with a psychiatrist, so she and her child went to a family therapist.
I guess it depends on the pastor. Some churches have pastors that don’t even have a theology degree, let alone any other degrees or training.
Recall how Jackie Kennedy had to get permission to remarry in the Catholic church? Every church is different.
Does the church lady tithe on the $6,000 per month income?
If FIL is thinking it "inappropriate" to move in with his church lady friend, and they are members....bringing this buying her a house to the pastor's attention may bring some type of accountability that FIL will acknowledge, or, what is the terminology used? Be excommunicated?
Disclaimer:
No matter what any of us believe, accountability exists, and it still exists in the church. I know I have said too much, please don't shoot the messenger.
sold or pawned. In addition, she changed her will to leave him her house when she died.
Unfortunately I illegally have no options because she gives him permission to do these things and is questionabley of sound mind. What money she has left is not in my control. This is called exploitation, but because she begs to do what she wants too, I can't stop it. Help
You never answered the question of why he’s living with you in the first place. But I guess that’s none of our business. Show these answers to your husband. The two of you need to be on the same page about moving dad out into his own place.
You aren’t responsible for him and before you get yourself in even deeper you need to evict him. Come back and tell us how you’ve handled this.