My husband was a terrible alcoholic and died of liver failure. I loved him but he made my life miserable. When he passed, I was relieved that I did not have to deal with that anymore.
My Mother who was my best friend was also my worst critique. She nagged and nagged and nagged at me every day, but yet at the same time should would do anything for me. I miss her but then again I don't. I am relieved that I do not have to deal with the constant nagging anymore but I do miss her yet I feel I should be devastated by her loss but I am not. What is wrong with me?
I am feeling so guilty that I am this terrible person. How can one lose a husband and a mother and not be depressed? Am I such a cold hearted person? I do not understand why these losses are not effecting me in the usual way. Its like I don't care but I really do. Has anyone else experienced this?
She was bedridden the last year of her life and in and out of the hospital/skilled nursing. Every facility told her "you need 24 hour care in a facility" and she refused (she still had her faculties). Every facility told me "she needs to go into a nursing home" and I'd reply "good luck with that". She grew increasingly weak yet still talked about when she'd walk and drive again. She'd buy stuff she'd never be able to use, make, or wear again. My adult son and I were inches from walking out because it was the only way we could get APS to intervene. Long before she got this bad, she commented "I don't want to be a burden" but when she did become a burden she didn't care. She didn't want to go into a facility and that was that, she didn't really care what it meant to us.
I was close to her my entire life and I loved her but she was a self-centered, demanding, narcissist who had no problem trying to run my life, my brother's life and the lives of my kids. I told my kids repeatedly "ignore her, do what YOU want and she can yell at me". She died on November 17 and I've never shed a tear. I'm finally free.
You aren't cold-hearted, in fact you are probably just the opposite, putting up with the nagging and misery all these years. I would imagine there was a point in your life when losing either of them would have caused you grief (my mom nearly died 30 years ago and I don't think I could have borne it then). However you are past that point. If there are any good memories, cherish those and move on. Embrace the relief and enjoy your new life because now it is YOUR life and no one else's.
You are not a cold hearted, nor a terrible person. Great burdens have been removed from your life, Feel free to enjoy your life without these now. You have earned it. (((((((hugs))))).
We are human beings. We aren't saints. Saints get shot full of arrows and then spend eternity having to listen to the whining prayers of all of us on earth, trying to "fix it all" for us. Not a good job description. Don't apply.
Ultimately we hopefully grow to a point where we understand that we as humans are very imperfect. Likely your "not so loved" ones have some peace now. You have two chances for family. The one you are born to and the one you make. Make another family, whether friends or loved ones, and make their lives and your own as grand as you are able. Wishing you good luck.
It was a difficult, sometimes bleak 5 years for everyone in our family, including Dad. Paranoia and anger are my family's go-to emotions when they feel vulnerable. Things often got pretty ugly.
I lost my Dad in bits and pieces over those years. By the time he passed I think I had already gone through my stages of grief. I don't feel guilty about the relief I feel. I think it's to be expected.
Now Mom is going through her own slow decline. She too has dementia and a myriad of health issues. Her body and mind are ebbing in bits and pieces like Dad. We are slowly losing her.
Regardless of the strained relationship I have always had with my Mom, witnessing her decline stirs an undercurrent of sadness and a sense of loss. It is subtle but always there. When she passes I will likely feel a sense of relief and I doubt I will be grief stricken.
Feelings are not black and white. They are messy and often conflicted. Be gentle with yourself. There are no "shoulds" when it comes to feelings.
Don't beat yourself up.
I loved that statement.
As MLK once said, "Free at last. Free at last. Thank God, I'm free at last!" You, my friend are also free at last! There is nothing wrong with you.
Grief is as individual to each person. Not everyone grieves the same way. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. I don't see you as cold hearted or a terrible person, I see someone who had to travel a very difficult path as they watched their loved ones slowly die and I bet you have been grieving for years!
Don't let what other well meaning family/friends say to you determine who you are, they have not gone through your journey.
The relief was twofold: First, that Mom's suffering was over. She had dementia (and she knew it, which was heartbreaking), spinal stenosis, diabetes, and other issues. She was kind and giving, but she suffered. Now, she's whole, pain-free, and with her beloved family on the other side.
Second, that my suffering was over. I was her live-in caregiver and it nearly killed me. My three sisters were cruel. A photo was taken of me during this time (but before it got even worse), and in that photo I was aged more than 20 years. It's horrifying. With Mom's death, a few weeks of cleaning out her house and a quick sale, I drove away and never contacted my sisters again.
There's nothing wrong with you feeling relief. You're a good person who dealt with terrible things. Your life is YOURS now. Embrace it and live it with kindness and joy toward yourself. You've earned it. *hug*
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