I was hoping to hear some stories of how you have convinced your parent(s) to move to assisted living when you can't pick up the cost.
Long story short, we moved my parents in with us 4 years ago to a larger house we purchased to accommodate everyone (them, hubby and I, and 3 kids) and things have gotten steadily worse. They had given us money to make the house more accessible- 2 ramps, entry modifications, we added a bathroom on their level they could access, etc. My husband did all the work himself to save cash but they were still expensive modifications. Mom clearly hates living with us and has become very unpleasant, dad has Parkinson's. Recently she has fallen 3 times in the past 10 months, breaking a hip, a knee, and cracking a pelvis. We no longer feel it is safe for them to live here as we work full time and still have responsibility with children at home that take us out in the evenings. However, when we bring up assisted living she throws the money at issue at us. Claims they can't afford to move because they have given us 'all their money.' (They haven't, the repairs were a decent amount of the modest amount they had but they do have some reserves left and are getting SSI). We have offered to help with the cost of assisted living but can't pick up the whole monthly bill and I am angry because we used the money they 'gave us' for repairs and upgrades they needed and have never once asked them to share the very sizable cost of the mortgage for the larger home, the utilities, food or anything.
How do we convince them to leave????
I made scheduled tours that offered lunch to visit. Even if the place is above the cost of what they can afford, it opens the door. That’s how I got my mom to at least consider it. You will have to tell them with conviction, that it is time for change in the interest of their care.
ideally look for a place that has a memory care for step up care and one that will take Medicaid. My moms required a year of self pay before Medicaid. They were good to us as my mom was going to be short on the funds by a couple of months. They took her anyway.
Google care advisors… they are similar to a realtor.. find someone local. I have placed 3 times using a care advisor. These wonderful people know the area, openings, cost , your needs, amenities,… they are paid by the facility when placed. They will meet you for tours.
I used care patrol … it’s a franchise, maybe there is one in your area.. I can’t stress enough about getting someone local . With my mom in another state , while I was searching , the care advisor directed me to what looked like a motel 6 , converted. I can’t say for certain as the picture taken so far away was not clear. She obviously was just scrolling thru her list.
Mom thought the place looked too "snooty" as per the people featured in the booklet. They could even purchase a condo with the same square footage as their house. Yes, it was expensive, but they had saved. Dad liked the idea he could call the condo's handyman to get a ceiling light bulb changed. Yes, the condo was high, but there were so many pluses.
Years later, once my Mom passed after numerous falls at their house, Dad sold the house and wanted to look at senior living. Wish Mom was that easy. The first place I pulled up to, Dad said "where do I sign up?". Dad loved the place, he felt so safe there. He started out in Independent Living, and later moved to Memory Care. Oh how he enjoyed being around people closer to his age.
I hope you and your parents can find a win-win solution.
I have met people who decided to move to AL & pre-decided they would like it too! Rare specimens indeed!!
But often people want what they are used to, dislike or fear charge.
As to the money spent... Upgrading their own house, upgrading your house, moving from one rental to a more suitable one, heck, living on a cruise ship - it always costs something to keep a roof over your head, right? They could have moved to AL so many years ago.. just saying.. but they didn't. (Look at the money they saved!)
Maybe try asking what they DO want? What their 'wish list' for their next-stage-of-living look like.
A nice room? Nice garden? Decent meals? Activities they may like? Close to you?
Or is there a level of denial here? A 'wishful thinking' list eg living in their own home again, being young again ☹️
Refusing to choose our own path can be a choice too.. but it can result in someone else choosing for us. (Like a hospital discharge social worker choosing a NH after a bad fall..)
I'd recommend keeping the chats ongoing. If going nowhere, consider adding a third party. This can help everyone have their say & be heard too. Try an elder service, social worker or faith elder.
What I would do is propose paying back what they "gave" you to make the modifications that way you are no longer "beholden" to them.
If you begin looking for Assisted Living make sure it is one that will accept Medicaid. And one that has Memory Care.
If there is a possibility that they may have to apply for Medicaid it is even more important that you pay back any funds that they gave you to do home modifications.