My 86 yr old mother is a narcissist. I have 3 siblings whom she has basically pushed out of her life over the years, but I live the closest to her so it falls into my lap. I have a sister that is retired and widowed but she refuses to move closer to help. My mom is married for the 2nd time to her husband of 30 years that she has berated and criticized. He can do nothing right. He works full time and does not want to care for her and honestly she most likely would not let him care for her. In January I got a phone call from her husband indicating that he thought she needed some in home care. I had not seen my mom or been to her house in quite some time, especially with COVID. I went to visit and saw quite a few problems right away. Addressed what I could and hired a caregiver to come in a couple of days per week. The honest approach of accepting help in her home was met with rage from my mom. Plan B was that I met the caregiver at her home on her first day and told her it was a friend of mine. She seemed to accept that fine. The next time the caregiver showed up my mom screamed and yelled for her to get out of HER house! She also shoved the caregiver. She called her husband at work to come home. I called and spoke to my mom and she explained she didn't like her just showing up. The agency suggested I call shortly before the caregiver's arrival to forewarn my mom. She often tells me "no!" when I call to tell her "the nice woman is coming to have lunch with you". I have had to make things up, like she is already on the way, etc.
Her house is very dirty, but she won't let anyone come in to clean it. She says she does it herself (of course). Her husband throws it to me to convince her to let someone come in to clean, which is impossible. When her husband starts to vacuum, she tells him with a scowl that she already did that! I do what I can to help, but I'm getting complaints constantly from her husband about what she won't let him do. I have started pushing back on her husband a bit instead of fixing things for him. I suggested he take her out shopping for a couple of hours so someone could come in while she's gone to clean. She would never know.
My mom also needs assistance bathing and the one time that the caregiver attempted to help, she started screaming for her to leave and threw an ice cream at her.
She was recently seen by her neurologist and he added seroquel to her meds. It seems to have helped prevent her from picking at her arms constantly, but not much more.
I'm so full of resentment towards my mom, my sister, and her husband. I'm tired. Any tips that have worked in getting a LO to accept help?
I would also suggest that part of your resentment towards your sister comes from jealousy. Your sister refuses to uproot her life by actually moving, just so she can be close to an abusive narcissist who doesn't want her anyway? Good for her!
Now your resentment towards your mom sounds well earned to me but you can't let that consume you either. She's an adult and she's in charge of taking care of herself. If someone *wants* to take care of her for any reason they can certainly try but making dumb decisions and having a nasty house don't change the fact that she's an adult and can do what she likes.
I'm really sorry for the whole situation and identify strongly because I also have an abusive mom with a personality disorder and I'm constantly feeling like I have to take care of her. Probably because I was told as a child her moods were my responsibility which is childish BS. But I digress. I agree someone is putting you in a terrible position, but I think that person is yourself.
The answer to your question is “you do what you can and whatever isn’t accepted is not something you should worry about”.
Is your pushing back on her husband getting him to step up and do more for your mom's care? Or is he not willing and/or able? If she's this aggressive, maybe she needs a tad more medication to calm her down a little bit.
At some point in the near future, maybe a nursing home might be something to consider. Unless her behavior tones down a bit and you or her hubby are able to find ways to get some caregivers, house cleaners, etc. into the house without her getting violent, it's just might get too hard.
When her husband cleans and she says she already did it, he could say something like, "oh I know, I spilled something and need to clean it up" or whatever neutral comment he can have ready. You guys are going to have to get creative!
Yes my mom has always been very difficult. She is a control freak, self centered and has no filter.
As far as her husband goes, I honestly think he does not know how to care for her and he works to get away from her. He is very passive and will not challenge her or speak up. He just complains to me. I resent the fact that he has not changed his work schedule at all. He is self employed and does not need to work but chooses to. She will let me care for her with no issues, like bathing, cooking, cleaning, manicure, etc. I just can't do it all.
You are not the only child on this forum where the husband tries to throw responsibility onto others.
It was very upsetting when I discovered the lack of care and safety issues in their home. He felt like I was stepping on his toes when I started rifling of all of the things that needed to be addressed, but it was all safety related, like get the guns out of the house, install grab bars in the bath tub, get a specialized phone for her to use. We even got locked out of the house once. He told me he thought she had a key in her purse, which she doesn't! She doesn't drive or have a keychain and he doesn't even know this. I am tired of constantly guiding him through this awful disease every time he tells me things she has said and how he should respond. She sometimes refuses to take her meds and his response is, "you have to, you have dementia" Unbelievable. She stated once that she doesn't like it when that girl (me) comes because she tells me what to do and what not to do. Why he felt the need to tell me this, I have no idea. He has also texted me on a morning that the caregiver is supposed to come that "no one will be home until 11 or 11:30" The caregiver shows up at 11! Apparently he made a dr's appointment for her but didn't think it was necessary to let anybody know in advance. I guess it doesn't matter, he pays for the caregiver, so if she sits in her car waiting, it's his problem.
At this point, I feel that my mom will end up in a memory care facility sooner than later. She is very difficult. He has POA so it will be up to him.