This is both a question and a vent, but it just happened again and I'm irritated.
(Dad is maybe early dementia but the diagnosis is not clear, lots of health problems, in AL near me. I am POA, healthcare proxy, handle his appointments, finances, shopping, freakouts, major health crises etc. We have a weekly dinner with him at my house or a restaurant, celebrate all holidays, and invite him along when family is in town)
Dad talked to my only sibling that speaks to him and said now that it's spring, he wants to get out more. Her solution? (Since she lives in another state.) I should arrange weekend outings for him to local museums and attractions. She told him this, and he told me.
My husband and I both work full time. We have a teenage daughter. Our weekends are full of her school activities, catching up on work, errands, cleaning, maybe if we are lucky a date night or drinks with friends. Now I'm supposed to arrange a special outing for my Dad who I already see multiple times a week for his appointments, and have dinner with every Weds. I also speak to him daily and do all the doctor calls, pay his bills… but no, now I have to arrange to take him to a museum or something every Saturday because he told my sister he's bored.
I seriously hate this.
Check their "social calendar" and see what activities he might enjoy and encourage him to follow through. Contact the Activities Director and tell them that "dad", Mr. DoingMyBest73 would like to : Go to lunch with the Group on Tuesday, Go Bowling on Wednesday morning and go on the Outing scheduled for Friday afternoon.
I am sure that if he does half the things that he finds interesting that by the weekend he will be exhausted.
Tell Sis that she can also access the Activity Calendar and suggest things for him to do TO him.
If he chooses to follow through great, if not and when they come to get him for the activity he declines that is on him.
It would be interesting to see if she does! Telling you what to do is very different from her managing it herself, as you both may discover.
Is your father capable of understanding when you speak with him? If he is, simply do so.
If you need some help with the POA, do seek it; your Dad's funds pay for this; you could hire a Fiduciary to do, say, all the bills payment and record keeping for taxes and etc.
You need to set your own limits with your Dad. There is simply no one else to do that for you. Tell him that you cannot take him to the Museum, and that you are sorry, but your own family has needs you need to fulfill, and you need some down time of your own.
I was POA and Trustee of Trust for a wonderful man, my brother. My brother had a diagnosis of probable early Lewy's and he hated it, but he had to ask me to take over finances for him, bill paying, and etc. It was a JOB and that in a simple estate with a very well organized man. He was in Assisted Living at the other end of the State. I would have loved to be in a position where I could go to a weekly or semi weekly dinner with him, but that wasn't possible. And I would NEVER have left a relationship I treasured to descend into obligation.
I would speak with family first about all you are doing, and about the pressure you are feeling. Start with Dad and see how that goes. Might he have a bad reaction? Sure. But that's life. We cannot live our lives to make others happy at the expense of ourselves and our own nuclear family.
If speaking with Dad, with Sister and Dad if necessary, doesn't work for you, or if Dad is incapable of computing the realities, you may need a few counseling session to get clear in your mind that your own human limitations is nothing to feel guilty about. You may feel grief that you aren't the good fairie complete to the magic wand, but you aren't.
Embrace your limitations. Hold them dear. When you have done that, share them with the family. And stick to your guns. Wishing you the very best.
But if you want to engage:
Years ago, I led a controversial cause, and hostile media training taught me how to cope with reporters’ questions I didn’t want. You have to answer their question briefly, and then bring your answer around to what YOU want to talk about: “Yes, that’s true and we’re addressing that, but the important thing to remember is . . . “ whatever I wanted to get out there.
Acknowledge your dad’s concern, valid or not, then make it about you. “Gosh Dad, I’m sorry you’re bored. We always enjoy seeing you on Wednesdays. When we have dinner this week, we can tell you all about how Little Sally got the lead in the school play, and she’s only a junior!”
Repeat after me: not my circus, not my monkeys. Keep the conversation about your circus.
Good luck!
Your sibling is the one who shot her mouth off and put the idea in his head about getting out more because it's spring.
This sibling can arrange and pay for a companion to take your father to the local museums and attractions on the weekends.
Posts like yours really get my anger up because there are few things in this life that I hate more than being volunteered for something because it's convenient for everyone else. Of course, I haven't been volunteered by anyone in a long time. My response when I see it approaching is two simple words. Just seven letters combined. The first starts with an 'F' and the second starts with a 'Y'. I would strongly encourage you to learn these two words and not to be shy in using them when the conversation starts leading towards you being volunteered.
As for your father, tell him plainly that you will be entertaining him on weekends. No explanation is necessary. Offer to sign him up with your town's senior center. They usually send transportation. Or you'd be more than happy to hire a weekend companion that your sibling will pay for to take him to the local attractions and museums on weekends. Then give him a phone and have him call that sibling who ran her mouth and work out the details.
Stop letting your family walk all over you. You do enough for your father and enough IS enough.
I would be very clear with your sister and just say NO. My mother has needed care for a decade and if I had spent as much time with her as my brother expects, I would have not been able to raise my own kids and work to secure my own financial future. Not to mention I would be a miserable person.
If your father is bored, ask your sister to come out more regularly. She could come out and take weekend responsibility.
You do enough. More than enough. It drives me crazy when people who need help just keep dumping on those caring for them without a thought of how it impacts EVERYTHING. Let's not make anything easier for the caregivers....
If your sister or someone else offers more suggestions how you might help your father, maybe you can turn that around: "I help Dad a lot, more than you probably realize. With only so many hours in a day, it would helpful if you took the time, like I do, to do what you're suggesting. Dad would absolutely love time with you."
Hey, maybe she can plan her vacation to visit him, take him to a couple doctor appts, some museums, shopping....Maybe you can make that a suggestion to her (if she seriously believes you have the time to do the things she said).
Hugs.
I would not say anything to sister unless she says something to you. If she does, send her a copy of your schedule. Your Dad, he needs to be reminded that you are not his entertainment. Your family and job have priority. The AL has activities available, if he is bored he needs to take advantage of that. If Sister wants to visit and take him somewhere, she can do it. He cannot depend on you. Thats just how it is.
If your dad lives in assisted living, there is absolutely NO reason that you should need to take him anywhere! If he's bored, it's his own fault. He could be saying no to all kinds of things and then, yup, you'll be bored. If he has cognitive issues, that could keep him from fully participating. You could ask the staff if they can try to get him to do more things. He. can refuse but they often try to rally people to come on down to the activities.
Good luck.
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