How do you handle public bm accidents?
I'll spare the details, suffice it to say I feel sorry for the person that has to clean up the bathroom. He walks from the restroom covered in "stuff" to the car (restaurant and golf club house are the two most recent). He gets angry at me for gagging but I have to drive home with the windows open, leaning over as close as possible to the window. I do not handle things that come out of the body (except for blood for some reason).
I have carried a blanket in the car for years, so I cover the seat with that that with the command to him to not touch anything. Get home and I have to deal with the blanket, the car, and of course his clothes, while he showers, all the while I'm gagging. (Tried the Vicks under the nose, didn't help.)
He came home today and declared how sick he is, he must have covid. Sigh. Nope, he's not sick, he's incontinent and won't admit it. At home he makes it to the bathroom but in public, he explodes when he gets to the toilet. At least he gets that far (so no need for incontinence underwear), I should be thankful that he isn't actually going in his pants (although maybe this is a precursor to that?).
How do I handle this? I have no desire to ever go in a restaurant with him again. We have some have-to-do trips coming up (still dealing with dad's estate and house) and I dread the thought of having to hit all his favorite restaurants and staying in a hotel where clean up won't be easy.
I have suggested a diet change to eliminate flour and he won't hear of it. He wants his doughnuts, pizza, and subs. I hope to be able to bring this up with his PCP next week, but that will be difficult.
So, anyone have the voice of experience and can suggest something I am overlooking?
When others are involved - a possible car or golf cart accident, or exposing others to the hazards of his blowouts - you are making choices that can very negatively affect others. It's not the same ball game.
GG, I hope you’ll speak to your adult children, let them know you’re at your breaking point, if that’s where it now is, and make a plan with them to separate yourself from this awful life. If you’re not ready, I still wish you courage and peace
Grammie has lost sight of what is ok and what is not ok. This hasn’t happened only twice. It has happened twice in a month.
As her friends, we are required to tell her the truth which is, no more taking him out in public. Can you all imagine what her car smells like? She likely got used to the smell and doesn’t smell it anymore.
She is also 100% wrong in allowing him to continue to drive and I will die on this hill. This is non negotiable.
Good luck trying to convince HIM Depends are a necessity, however. I can't imagine him getting angry at you for gagging! I'd never step out in public again with this man, if it were me.
I think it's time for you to give dh a wake up call now. You've heard all about what he "won't hear of"......have you told HIM what YOU won't tolerate?
It sounds as though you have more problems in yourself than in his incontinence. Is there some way that you could get some counseling? On the phone to start with, perhaps. You should NOT be letting this man control you.
I suspect Grammie is going to be dealing with him for a lot longer than she expects. This man doesn’t sound like he is about to die anytime soon,.
Any time you go ANYWHERE your Dh might have a blowout he should be wearing incontinence briefs. That should be a non- negotiable. The time for pandering to his 'wants' at the health consideration has passed.
The LAST TIME we took my FIL to lunch, he had a bowel blowout. It was all over the bench of the restaurant. I looked at FIL and he had this horribly embarrassed guilty look on his face. OF course, the smell hit immediately. I told DH to take his dad to the car and wait for me. (He did so, but did not put down the towels I carried for just this kind of event.)
I quietly got the oldest, most compassionate looking waitress and beckoned her over to the table, explained what had happened and asked for cleaning supplies. LUCKILY, we were seated at the back of the place and there were no clients near us. I was the 'poor soul' who had to clean up. I got some gloves from the waitress and while SHE was willing to help--I didn't let her. I cleaned and then disinfected the spot and threw all the towels away that I had used.
It was beyond horrible and to this day, I don't like to even think about it. I tipped the waitress $50 and left. Making sure the spot he's fouled was as clean as I could get it.
FIL was hugely embarrassed, and I kind of lit in to him. I told him he was going to start wearing depends whether he wanted to or not, I was so tired of taking him places and having to leave b/c he got 'sick'.
Worse still, he insisted on wearing thong style underwear. It was of no use as a 'barrier'. Even plain 'tidey whities' would have helped. A thong is a joke.
My DH sat in silence and later got angry with me for shaming his dad. I told him from now on, HE got to clean up all the accidents.
We so often wait until we're at critical mass before we deal with a problem.
And I hope you let the restaurant know what had happened! This is a serious health issue--and you left it for someone else to find and clean? Yuck.