Our elderly parents have a need for local housecleaners, which I can get from the local senior center and Meals on Wheels, as my mom can't cook anymore. My dad, her caregiver, won't accept "charity", even though he paid his taxes and his kids are willing to pay for the housekeeping. Mom needs a daily companion (moderate dementia) to give him a break and he's resistant to accept change in his routine. He is 86 and still drives, she is 87.
believe me I know how hard it is to deal with “stubborn “ parents as I too dealt with my own aging parents but taking away our dignity and treating us as children makes it worse for everyone . Do what needs to be done but please do it with kindness , compassion and empathy because one day you will be us .
Clearly you still have your wits about you and know that it will become harder to manage everything yourself and that you might need more assistance than is being given in the future, but using various excuses to get those who do resist to accept it isn't really treating anyone with less dignity or like a child, it is just a little subterfuge to get over the resistance!
Those who resist but don't have any dementia might need a different approach. I know that initially when we hired aides to check mom/meds taken, we used the doctor/Medicare asking/covering and she raved about it (she has dementia.) After a few months, she refused to let them in, period. There was no way around that, so she had to move to MC.
He wants to maintain his independence as much as possible. Eventually I was able to have him understand that having someone over the clean the house is not giving up independence, it is allowing him to use his limited energy for other activities that he truly enjoys. Of course he was not cleaning in the first place, but it worked and he agreed to a housekeeper.
There is a meals program near Dad that offers really good meals for $5-$10 each. They have entrees and soups, homemade and frozen. He quite likes them and that he gets to choose the ones he buys helps with the feeling of independence.
What I'd suggest, either way, is that one or more of you "children" be present when the cleaner or the MOW driver arrives so that you can make introductions and mediate the first contacts to see that all goes smoothly. Once he knows the people personally he may feel less apprehensive about them. You can but try.
He may also fear the "thin end of the wedge" scenario: that accepting this help is the first admission he can't cope which leads ultimately to their being "put in a home." But the opposite is true: it is by accepting practical support that he and your mother will be best able to stay in their own place.
If he still won't hear of it, what about organising respite care for your mother so that your father gets some real time off rather than an hour or two here and there? Remind him that a significant proportion of caregivers die before the person they look after, and that your mother would be utterly lost without him - he owes it to her to take proper care of himself.
I made the mistake of introducing her to Marie Kondo's 'clutter free' life that I had partially adapted. She thought it was a great plan and I offered to do her place.
EPIC FAIL.
In my haste to finally get my hands on her hoard, I didn't pick up that she was well and truly a hoarder. The first night she went out to the huge trash bin and retrieved everything we'd agreed to throw away. I came the 2nd day and soon found out she'd had a panic attack thinking of her 'treasures' just being tossed. I was unable to retrieve anything from GoodWill and she still mourns it.
It not only ended the 'deep clean' it ended ANY cleaning.
My niece borrowed $1000 from her so she could go on a choir trip. She is 'paying' mother back by cleaning every week. Good thing mother's vision is so bad....niece is kinda odd and a lousy cleaner. She flips a feather duster around the house and shakes some comet in the toilet and flushes it. Done!
This place needs a complete, every drawer, cabinet and shelf overhaul. She keeps getting YB to build her more and more little rolling cabinets for her 'stuff'. I queried her a few months ago as to what was IN one of these and she shouted "DON'T OPEN THAT' just a second too slow. Out tumbles 20 years' worth of TV guides. She would not let me toss ONE.
She won't PAY anyone to clean and she won't take 'charity'. Sometimes she can get my favorite brother to wash the windows, but no actual cleaning has really taken place in 3 years. The place stinks to high heaven--she has a cage of cockatiels that has not been washed in years. Poop piled up to the ceiling of the cage--feathers everywhere. It makes me sick to go in her place, literally.
She did get MOW when she was 100% laid up after a knee replacement. Hated them. Hated letting strangers in the house. Hated paying $5 for 'crap'.
You cannot force people to do the smart or right thing. This becomes more and more apparent as I watch my mother become what she so hated when she was younger: Smelly, dirty and old. We can rectify all that---but obviously she doesn't care anymore. Charity or 'paying' someone--if they don't want your help., you may as well forget about it.
Her health is what changed the dynamic.
They get weird. Particularly if depression era generation.
Ok. Mom or dad. You have helped so many others, now they are going to help you.
Most often, they don't GET that you can't do it. It does not get through.
I hope this is helpful. I dont know that it is.
Try to redirect the meaning. It is your turn now, because you did for so many others. I had limited success with that.
See All Answers