hi everyone, this is long and I apologize.
i’m 23 f, married, no kids yet.
my grandmother (74f) has 2 sons and a stepdaughter. My dad died when I was 13 and she and my late grandpa took me in so I wouldn’t go to foster care. I moved across the country at 18 to get away from her. Her other son has had a lifelong drug addiction and is never around.
Daughter used to live less than five minutes away, but never came to see them bc she would fight with GP all the time. As of January she has moved 3 hrs away she comes to visit every 2 weeks or so. Despite knowing I moved here to take care of her parents… because she wouldn’t. Anyways.
My grandma and I used to be close. I love her very much, still. I’ve always expressed to her my gratitude for all that she’s done for me and her place in my life.
The problem is that she’s always been very manipulative, self-centered, and mentally/emotionally abusive towards me. It’s worse than ever.
She takes advantage of me and doesn’t respect my time, privacy, space and boundaries. I have no time alone, I cannot tend to my basic needs and cleaning the house. It’s coming between my marriage as well, he works full time and I’m with her ALWAYS. She wanted it this way.
She has multiple health conditions including diabetes, heart disease, supposed Parkinson’s and early stage Dementia but I’m not sure if she’s ever been diagnosed or if she’s over exaggerating. She falls often and can’t get in/out of her bath alone.
She is capable of everything else but I do the Cooking, laundry, cleaning, driving her everywhere, medication, appointments. I don’t mind doing this but without any basic respect I’m spent.
She also leads a very unhealthy lifestyle: LOTS of soft drinks, cartons of cigarettes a week, and eating sugar in excess (diabetes).
We’ve tried nicely to get her to change her ways a little bit and she refuses, this is frustrating.
She always has to have things her way. She complains all the time. She makes me feel like I cannot please her, ever. And has started to lie as easily as breathing. She has also started to turn on my husband—unacceptable, bc he helps me stick to my guns and refuses to enable her bad habits like overspending and makes it known when he’s upset with her. This makes her mad and she talks poorly of him and tries to make me upset with him.
I cannot even speak my mind about my issues with her without it becoming an argument, and her turning the discussion back onto me saying I’m hurting her and making her feel bad.
Last summer my grandpa’s health took a swift decline and he asked us to come to care for them. We agreed and dropped everything to move in with them. I was worried that things wouldn’t go well but I care about them so I went ahead. It has been awful.
Unfortunately, grandfather passed away last month. Since then, my grandma’s behavior is at its worst. She doesn’t allow me any time alone, if I leave the house, when I return I’m met with resentment and insults. She’s extremely demanding, bitter and ruthless with her manipulation. I cry every single day, and *trigger warning* suicidal ideation daily.
This isn’t simple aggression, it’s deep mental torture and she acts as if she doesn’t do anything wrong and can’t understand why I'm upset.
I’ve had enough and I want out. I know I could probably get her in home help, I doubt she wants to go to a home or facility. My issue is telling her. Originally, I’ve told her I would take her back home to MT with us, but I realize I cannot handle this future. She doesn’t want to go anyways but doesn’t want to be left alone. She will NOT handle me leaving her well. I don’t know what to say or how to go about this. I feel bad for changing my mind. She doesn’t have anyone really.
I don’t want to hurt her bc despite everything, I love her so much. I will feel terrible either way. Please, someone help me figure this out. I love her :( but I cannot do this anymore.
Even if you and your husband try to establish boundaries they will fail unless you move out.
Arrange homecare for her (that she pays for) now and then you can establish boundaries with her.
If she rejects homecare and decides to get stubborn and be manipulative with you, it will land her in a nursing home. All you can do is make sure she plainly knows this. If she lands in a nursing home, that's not on you.
Of course you love your grandmother. She was more than a traditional grandmother to you. She was your parent.
You cannot allow her to be abusive to you now and she is abusive.
She is using her own neediness to manipulate you and dominate every moment of your time and to get between you and your husband.
That crap stops today. Start the homecare while you are still with her. If she accepts it, she gets to remain in her home. If she doesn't, then something will happeb that lands her in the nursing home.
Yesterday I made a point to take a break and leave for a few hours. She said she had diarrhea (common) but didn’t let me know of any other issues.
After her giving me attitude when I left after making sure she had medicine and was comfortable, I went ahead and checked on her when she got home. She was okay and resting.
This morning she says, “well I was thinking… if you can leave me alone here and there like you did yesterday, why can’t I stay by myself?” I get a glimmer of hope thinking she wants her independence or maybe she’s plain ole tired of us. Then I realize she’s probably manipulating me.
I ask, “do you want to live alone?” She goes… “no not really. But if you’re going to leave me alone anyways, I really hope I don’t end up falling when I’m alone like that.”
My grandpa died when I was away from home and she was asleep, presumably from a heart attack.
“You know like your grandpa, you weren’t home. I know you’re tired of taking care of me and you feel confined, but *shrugs* you knew how this was going to be when you got here. I wish I could hire someone to take care of me.”
I’m so outdone with all of this.
It’s sad that we don’t leave our caregiving responsibilities behind sooner. We become blind to the fact that it takes over our lives.
Sometimes it takes awhile for us to process things but after we are away from the stress we realize how damaging it really was.
Still and all, now that her dad is gone I don’t expect her to come running to grandma’s rescue. If anything it’ll be one of the grandkids.
Thank you for taking the time to read and respond. I know I need to get out before I can’t anymore. I’m trying my best to sort things out in my mind.
Of course, you are grateful to her for taking care of you after your dad died.
Yes, you love her. You can love her and still live the life that you deserve to have with your husband.
Seek therapy to sort out your emotions. Call 988 if you feel suicidal.
Help your grandmother find appropriate care if you like and then move forward.
Wishing you and your husband all the best.
But you have a life and family of your own that you need to put first.
Tell grandma that you are going to move back home. (If that is where you want to go. Or tell her that you are going to move out. Get a job lined up so you have a legitimate reason to stop working for grandma. And you need to build up reserves for when you have children and for when you get older. (I know that is a long way off but time flies)
The fact that she is getting verbally abusive, manipulative you need to establish boundaries.
She knows what "buttons" to press. Don't let her get that far. When she starts WALK OUT of the room. Do not take the bait when she tries to get you.
YOU are not responsible for her.
Let her children know that you are going to stop doing what you are doing and that they need to step in and figure out what to do.
Pick a day (How about May 22 Victoria Day in Canada sounds like that would be appropriate.)
Don't back down.
It is going to be difficult.
If you do not think that her children will step up and help her then you can report a "vulnerable senior" to APS.
If there is a local Senior Center that has a Social Worker you can go in and talk to the Social Worker as to what steps to take next. Or Local Area Agency on Aging may also have programs that may help.
If it helps just think of this as a job. One that you no longer feel is a right fit, one that you have not gotten a pay check for doing your job.
And I will say if at anytime caring for her is not safe you need to back away. And from what I have read helping/ working for your grandma is not safe for you mentally or emotionally. That alone should be enough for you to realize that you can not continue.
Your mental health is a priority.
I do not think the kids will help bc stepdaughter hardly helped to begin with and son cannot be found or trusted to be clear headed or reliable due to his addiction.
I’m worried about the backlash. What she will say in response to us leaving … “why” “what am I going to do alone” “I need you” “who will help me” etc she really doesn’t have anyone other than older relatives who would help even a little, but she’s so dependent on me. I know it’s going to be dramatic and I’m not going to know how to handle the discussion/crying/argument.
Then do it.