I'm forever grateful for anyone that takes the time to read this and has any advice or opinion on my situation. I’m happy for finding this website that seems to have many knowledgeable and supportive people who have been through similar experiences or offer advice to help others heal, and endure through hardships with family members.
My story is long, but I will try to get to the point quickly. My father passed away 2 years ago from a vicious battle with ALS (Lou Gehrig’s Disease). It’s been devastatingly hard to keep moving forward. Since the beginning of his first fall, to the day were he laid paralyzed from head to toe, I was present with my 7 and 12 year old daughters; helping out my mother as a caretaker, changing his diapers, feeding him, etc. Any few spare minutes I had, I would attend to my daughters while choking on tears. I worked 40 + hour/week and had to manage to take him to numerous doctors and therapy appointments. My mother knowing limited English, also worked, however wouldn’t go to any of his appointments saying she had to stay home and cook, or clean.
Since my fathers passing, my family (2 daughters and husband) have been staying and sleeping over my mothers house for 3 weeks, then going back to our house for a week to take care of needed things and then back to her house for 3 weeks again. This was to help out with chores, cutting grass, making certain needed phone calls and keeping her company. For the last 3 years we have been back and forth. My mother is 62, very healthy and works 40 hours/week. She doesn’t have any friends nor any family down here, so basically (my father) and I are her family. She hasn’t spoken to her mother for over 30 years (reason is unknown) and just recently started to begin reaching out and talking to her. I have came back to my house this past month and found ants all over and felt the house needed some upkeep, since we haven’t really lived in it for almost 3 years. I haven't gone back to my mothers house in 3 weeks and have been staying in my own home cleaning and thinking of getting my life in order.
I have been feeling depressed and so I haven’t reached out to my mother only through a short text, once a week. My mother will never call me, she will wait until I call her, and whenever I have asked her why she never calls me, she will respond she has nothing to say. She has always been like that. Yesterday, my mother sent me a message that reads:
Do you remember me? I’m your mother, who carried you for 9 months! The woman who gained 20 pounds because of you, and who underwent a painful birthing process to bring you into this world. The woman who did not sleep many nights, and raised you; until you met you’re own husband! Do you know who I am? Do you remember me? Why aren’t you calling your mother, at least once in a while!? Is it that hard to do?
I feel somewhat at a loss of words and I don’t know what to reply… I’m shocked at the message from her because I have always been there 150% every day and hour. She is a closed in person, who hides her feelings and I’m sure she is feeling down and angry about everything, but I never received anything like this from her.
I have a brother who is younger than me and has never been around or helped out with anything. He left the house at 18 years old and fast forward 20 + years and he just recently started calling my mom. A while back I asked her; why don’t you ask him, why he has never reached out to you through all the hardships. Why didn’t he ever sent you a “Happy Mother’s” message? Her response was, maybe he changed and anyhow sons are different from daughters with their moms. I beg to differ but remained quiet. I’m hurt by this and feel it’s somewhat hypocritical. I feel lost in my life, I miss my father and I put on a smile everyday for my kids, and my own mother. I’m just looking for some advice on how to respond. My husband said to ignore it; act like she never sent it and my heart tells me otherwise. Please help.
I can relate as I have had somewhat similar experiences and expressions coming from my mother. It took a long time to recognize what has been slowly happening when she started to change. Her regular doctor FINALLY diagnosed her with vascular dementia. But she continued to insist she needed no help and lived on her own. Fiercely independent, self isolated, no family or friends but us, wouldn’t let anyone come in to clean or cook (threw them out), threw us out a time or two, etc.
My husband and I realized after all the trips (6 hours one way) and taking care of maintenance and cleaning and security etc at her very large house, living there while she was in rehab for nearly 3 months and other times, and my husband working full time remotely (I had to shut down my business) that we had to take action quickly because it was pulling us down with her, and we knew we needed to be ok ourselves in order to be able to take care of her.
Mom was living completely by herself, would not let anyone help her or come in, very wobbly on her feet, not eating, couldn’t take care of her house, and we feared she would fall. We couldn’t sleep and worried constantly about her. One night, she actually fell and broke her hip last November (God graciously put us there while on a brief trip at the exact moment when she fell.) We knew it was “the event” that would change everything for us all. Called the EMTs who came and took her to ER for hip surgery. That’s when rehab started and the long road back to better health and living situation.
She ended up in rehab for 2 months and her dementia got worse. While there, the professional medical rehab team told us and her in a face to face team meeting that she could no longer live by herself. She didn’t like it but she “got it”. So we took the opportunity, found a great assisted living place where we live and told her I would be flying with her to our town and moved her into Assisted Living 3.5 miles away from us. Absolutely the best decision for all of us.
Difficult up and down days, but she is so much better!! She is slowly getting used to it. So much more to this story.
Her house is now sitting vacant in her hometown and we need to get appraisals and sell it, her car, and all the contents ASAP. But at least we can manage that for now long distance, making fewer trips and engaging services there, and we can relax more now that she’s in a place with staff and food, PT/OT weekly, medical team, medication management, and activities, social interaction, etc. And we can be there in 10 minutes to take her out, go see her, etc. any day, anytime.
So my first recommendation is for you and your husband to discuss the fact that you need to get outside counsel and help you and to help her, to get your own lives back on track, and help move you forward all this. You need to develop a team to support you to get through it all.
My help and peace is knowing that God is with us and I can pray through it to have peace that He will move things forward and open doors, which he has graciously done. We now have a strong team in place (legal, financial, medical, tax, assisted living team, realtor, Etc)
Talk with your mom’s doctor and get their thoughts and opinion about about all this. But mainly, talk to your doctor about how all this is affecting you and also your husband, as well. Find a great counseling service to help you deal with all the negative things in your situation and start moving you and your husband in a positive direction on your lives. You both need to be strong in your own lives and situation first and foremost.
We also hired a Geriatric Care Manager through an agency who is helping us with her and counseling us through everything, visits her, and makes recommendations or her health and well-being as well as our own, and interfaces with the team at her AL facilit
After reading what you wrote, I immediately identified with some of what you wrote. The guilt perpetrated on you for no reason sounds just like my own mother who I know has a narcissist personality disorder. (Although she sees herself as perfect, without blame for anything, never apologizes for anything, and is always right). Hopefully, that is not the case with your mother. I have gotten over the years, not only emails but phone calls very much the same, but even more hostile in nature than yours. It's become that nothing is ever enough and I realize at least with my own mother, it never will be. But one thing I find is that I have to not fall into a trap of thinking that whatever I do for her will truly be appreciated, with her it is expected. It sounds to me that you and your family have gone above and beyond in helping out. But in your case your mother seems to allow you to help. In my case she doesn't and needs to control everything and everyone, but I'm sure that can be done in various ways, and sometimes we don't even realize it is happening. It took me a long time to realize what was wrong with my family unit and especially my mother. My Dad unfortunately was an enabler and he took abuse and expected me to ignore what she did and made excuses. Ignoring things never worked for me, only made it worse. You're right to go with your instinct and what is good for you. Hopefully for you and your family it is not narcissism, but it wouldn't hurt to look up as I did, narcissist mothers and their relationships with their daughters. I'd never want to see anyone go through the emotional abuse and trauma that I have lived and continue to. Hope it helps, not an expert, but I started questioning behavior as you are, which is a start.
Your mom is guilting you into being her all in all. Don't fall for it! Be strong and get some family counseling. Centerstone is providing counseling for me free of charge. I hope your husband is 100% in your corner like mine is.
Give yourself space from Mom to grieve your Dad and move forward with your family in your own home. Guilt is a toxic emotion.
You have me mistaken. I’m the daughter who HAS been present for you my whole life - including the most intense past 3 years to tend to both you and Dad - taking him to all of his doctor visits that you refused to, your good health not withstanding. Shouldn’t that letter have been what my Grandma should’ve sent to you?
It’s time for me to take care of my family now and my mental health and seek professional mental help.
I suggest that you do the same. I wish I could give you more attention, but my life won’t run itself.
Since I love you and always will, I will call, text or visit when I can. Meanwhile, I encourage you to focus on being for your mother everything you expect from me. She probably really needs you, and if you’re feeling this way about me - who has always been there for you, how much more could grandma be feeling this way?
I think you’re right. I think we should all communicate more regularly, as this is a very difficult time for us all.
I love you mom, and always will.
———
One thing to keep in mind is that you never asked to be born. You never made her take care of you. It’s what she was supposed to do because it was her decision to have you. Since you are a good person, you chose to help your parents as much as you could. And that can continue as you can, but she needs to understand - if not acknowledge your side of things and your responsibilities as well.
Love and prayers for you.
But there was no way she could live by herself with previous neighbors moving away or dying off. There was no one there, and Mom was making really bad decisions, i.e. allowing the gardener who she knew nothing about into the house, and giving way too much information to spam phone callers, break-ins in the neighborhood, driving skills going downhill, etc. I never even considered whether she was doing her medications properly.
The first 2 years we were constantly butting heads, then lessened. And now pretty good most of the time. It has been difficult but better now. Her ST memory most of the time is pretty well shot..... reading the paper and re-reading an article headlines 4 and 5 times over the course of a few minutes... ( we are at #4 at this particular moment ....sighhh.. LOL!! ). She uses the walker most of the time, but because she "tries to strengthen her legs" she thinks walking without is better. So I grit my teeth and know that sometime down the road, she may have THE EVENT that lands in her in the hospital and onto assisted living.
But, Bowgirl, order food delivery for her!!! It is a godsend !! Mom can't be left alone and I order food delivery all the time.
Because of her narcissism and "absolute control" I could NEVER have done this at a younger age. And overall it has been a good thing for us, especially as my youngest daughter lives with us and does so much for the both of us.
Trying to defend yourself to your mother will only escalate her negativity and your hurt and frustration.
Offer appropriate help when it is really needed, but tend to your own home and family first.
I had a very oil and water relationship with my mother. What worked for me was to express myself in letters to allow her to try to understand without us deteriorating into a shouting match. When she was first diagnosed with cancer, as the nurse, my siblings never doubted I'd be the one to step up. I arranged doctors, treatments, took her to radiation and helped Dad care for her in the last 2 weeks of life at home. One of the last things she said to me was all those letters were in the desk next to her. I should take them out and destroy without reading so they wouldn't upset ME. It felt that all I had poured out to her had no value at all. Looking back 35 years now, I don't regret sending them.
What you might do, is write your letter to your mom but hold off sending. Start a journal. Understand that her expectations for you are beyond what you are able to give her and if you try, you'll never meet them without loss to your family and yourself. As others have suggested, call her, keep it brief but don't engage.
"I birthed you" is the oldest BS guilt in the world. Don't give her rent space in your head!! It's not easy. Believe me. Take care of YOU>
Did you give her an explanation as to why you didn't return? I just seems rather abrupt to me and I can't help but think she is having all kinds of imaginations. Perhaps she feels abandoned.
Surely there is a group of Polish people that gather together in your mom's area. My father has "Sons of Italy" where he lives. Check into it for her.
My heart goes out to you, as it cut me to the quick. I'm 70 and still healing from this treatment. Take good care of you and your family, and do what you can for your mom, recognizing your boundaries.
You have a choice. You can respond by being more communicative or by ignoring it. Whether she responds well if you DO interact more is another matter but at 62 you can at least discuss this and expect a rational response.
If you really don't want to do more than you already do, then ignoring her might be your best bet.
Good luck! x
I think it’s appropriate to write her back just as she has written you. Lay out how you cared for your father, gave up your own home to live with her for years, 3 weeks at a time. If she never appeared thankful or grateful, you have an opportunity to point that out. You can explain that you love her, if you want, but also explain that now you are married and have children, that your family comes first and you must attend to that. You can say you are hurt that she doesn’t reach out to call YOU…that the phones work both ways. Ask if you can compromise and you call one week and she calls the next. I see no point in enabling her by living there…that needs to end.
one thing that helped me when my dad would be nasty or ungrateful for all I did…was to write a letter that helped me vent…but not mail it. You could do that as a form of therapy.
But do write her back..do not ignore it as your husband suggested. That would be letting her win by confirming her opinion that she has of you. Speak your mind and speak from the heart and let her know. Don’t mail it immediately, re read it and be happy with it before mailing.
Second, don't feel guilty, just understand that she is feeling lonely and, probably, a bit over-self-pitying. But just be bemused.
You can have your girls send her something-a picture, short note, etc.
Last, cut way back on the visits!!! She seems perfectly capable of taking care of her own house. At any event, now that you set that pattern, it won't be easy to break it, and DON'T feel you have to offer any more of an excuse than your own family's increasing needs.
good luck.
First, no one will make you want to drive your car into a brick wall like your family. It never fails.
My mother exhibits the same behavior towards me and has done so my entire life. I am an only child and have helped her for many years. She is extremely manipulative and loves to make me feel guilty. I am 48 years old and have finally started to distance myself from her behavior. I am going to try to enjoy my middle years. Your mother is younger (my mother is 78). I know it will be difficult— but I would ignore her message and then explain that you have a lot to take care of in regards to your immediate family. It will be hard to do at first ———but I am afraid if you let her continue to manipulate you, later you may resent her.
I say this just because my first reaction to your opening sentence was to invite compassion for your mother, but after reading further, jeez, she has no right to attack you like that. She is not that old and you have done so much.
Don't destroy your health and home life. Certainly, include her and help her. But she is young enough to take care of herself, more or less, and cultivate relationships. I'm 60 and just graduated from college. I don't want to lean on my son the way my mother leaned on us for everything. When I'm in my 80s I may have to, but God willing, I can and will look out for myself as long as possible.
Please take care of yourself and your own family first. Sending love.
Leave it and let her miss you for a while.
Your plate is so full, get some rest and take a step back.
Let her hire lawn help or whatever she needs.
For God's sake she is only 62!
She needs to find a life and interests to entertain herself.
You need to focus on your little girls and enjoy them!
I am sorry for your loss. And for this emotional blackmail your mother is throwing at you!
I don't know what I would do but if your mum is so young and has non dementia problems I would just tell her that it is not fair to blackmail you and that it is not going to work! as far as bearing you that was her own choice!
.... I have read lealonnie's answer : I quote it word by word!
I think the time you spent at your mom's was above and beyond.
You need to take back your life and your family's lives.
Tell mom you will call 1 day a week. Pick a day that is most convenient for you.
If she needs to talk to you between your calls she can call or text you.
Your mom is very young at 62 she can manage many things on her own. A call once a week to say hi and ask how things are going is plenty.
i can send you much advice that i learned myself far to late in life.
but it goes like this.
paraphrased from kahlil gibran.
your children are from you, not of you, they are actually divine beings that you birth, in order for them to grow and expand into themselves, like a flower budding.
everything has its time.
If your mother is 62 ( i am nearly that age) it is truly up to her to go make friends, volunteer at a library to read stories to children ( in her own language) or anything else that brings her new human connection. It is not your job at all, to be everything to her, all her remaining family, as you say.
Letting you know also that, other mothers, like mine, 90 are worse. I ran away from home at 15 due to narcisisstic emotional abuse ( if you don't do what i say i will shame and berate you behavior) and am now back to help her. thankfully her personality has reverted to pre- mothering, but she still has that ingrained. so yesterday she said that if i didn’t do xyz she would leave all her money to xyz. I dont care about that, I care about her, and as an adult i have a right to learn in my life, to make better decisions.
It sounds like your mom is desperately lonely. i would just work on that.
and take care of your own children in the loving way i am sure you do. dont forget that you are their role model, creating healthy boundaries and modeling self care, will affect them too. you are their role model. what would you want them to see….
I became an athlete last year, at the age of almost 60. i swam 8 miles in open ocean last week, and am proud of myself, also as a model for my son. yes i call my mother, yes she is still strangely abusive and controlling and has now more reasonable expectations…. Yes i call her every other day. as she otherwise does not remember and thinks i havent called in a month.
is it hard. yes. i try to focus on things i know that can help her, Which are primarily physical practices which she appreciates.
I ask her to stand against the wall and raise her arms with her palms to the ceiling to help her chest open up and the c shape on her back to diminish.
I ask her to breathe in for eight - hold for four- breathe out for eight - repeat 5 times- to calm her anxiety.
I play her salsa music and ask her to hold onto a chair and dance. I tried to remove the conversation from anything into the future or the past. I ask her if she has drank water that morning and I have begun to call her and she just had to every day because she forgets to hydrate. this is all by phone.
These are ways you can still care for your mother remotely or even delegate to your children. For example, the ‘are you hydrated today” call.
that’s all I got for today, my son arrives, he is 17 and I haven’t seen him in three months. I know my mother does not realize that my caring for her means I cannot care for my own son- not the order of things.
, there are things she does- I don’t like -just like your mother. try to Ignore it, like you wouod a childs temper tantrum, and exhibit soothing behavior to yourself and to her. then try to fix the real problem, loneliness and lack of connectionS
You only have yourself to live with. you have done your best. time to create more healthy boundaries, as well to use all that time on forward-living.
Go take more walks in nature in solitude. Go swim in the ocean or lake.
you are a good person. that is all.
I greatly appreciate it.