Father in law is healthy and takes care of her now. Her motor skills are declining rapidly due to strokes & Alzheimer’s. I have been a caregiver to my Mother who is in assisted living now. I can’t bear the thought of having more trauma at my home but feel guilty and ashamed to say no. I never got along good with father in law. They have a daughter who lives nearby.
I would suggest taking at least some of this off your shoulders. We are talking about your in-laws here so what does your husband think? He lived through your mother being there and what it did to you so have the two of you discussed what it might look like and wether or not the two of you can live through it again? I think I would approach this with an open but realistic mind rather than a decided closed mind that you won’t do it. For better or worse and however much he did or didn’t do to help with your mom her living there affected him too and he may be having the same or more reservations but like you feels guilty about it. Be supportive and seriously discuss this idea with your husband, the pluses and the minuses for you, your household and his parents. What does he expect from you and what is he prepared to take on, what are his parents going to accept from each of you both now and as they each decline, will they even be happiest there at your house or is this the best time to set them up somewhere else where unrelated professionals might be helping them. Then either let DH or you as a couple depending on circumstances, present what you as a couple can and can’t do and let his parents and or the family decide if it’s what’s best for them. Maybe the perfect resolve will come to light without you having to carry the load or feel guilty about it. Your experience is invaluable for your husbands family let them tap on it rather than you imposing it, if that makes sense. They are all lucky to have you.
You say “Maybe the perfect resolve will come to light without you having to carry the load or feel guilty about it.” However, most likely NOT. Most likely it will bring OP closer to another nervous breakdown by having to push that this is not a viable option for her, while other family members discuss seriously what a good idea it is for them.
Part 2 of this is if it will destroy your marriage.
If none of these helps, you can seek out a therapist to discuss this issue with. The therapist may help you to set firm boundaries and say "no" to protect yourself, or may help you to heal from the past situation with your mom and resolve some of those feelings. I would guess you stuffed down a lot during that time. In short, you would get some support and perhaps end your sense of shame.
Whatever choice you make, know that there are no perfect decisions these days. Own your decision and love and forgive yourself. You deserve that.
And finally, if anything here seems unkind, I apologize, I did not mean it that way. Sending hugs!
You had a nervous breakdown and that was your mom.Being a full time caregiver is taxing and emotional.I have done it twice, and am currently for my father.If anyone were to ask me to do it again.I would politely decline.
You have to take care of yourself first.Let your husband,father in law,and sister in law figure it out.
maybe they don’t want to move in and you are worried for nothing. You may want to get a mediator for the discussion. Have an agenda ready:
1) where would you like to live
2) what are your resources for decision on #1.
3) how much are you willing to pay/contribute to a family member to care for you in their home using an outside caregiver.
they may say they want to be with the daughter, then she will need to step up and help with the solution.
do your in laws have a church, you could invite their Pastor or someone from the church to speak with them on some options.
and last but surely not least, pray about it and ask God for guidance the right place for the best care for your in laws.
praying the outcome is good for your mental health. It’s the hardest thing to navigate.
Why does she needs permission to tend her mental health? She should say; they should listen. It's already causing stress.
Good vibes to all, I'm just throwing in my 2 cents:)
I could be that MIL. I was pretty much in the same situation five years ago but without a husband to help me out. Do NOT take "me" in please! I was 75 at that time and felt a bit desperate because my health went South fast all of a sudden. I "saw" all kinds of doom and gloom creeping into my future: woe is me whatever would I do? Face the truth of the situation honestly instead of throwing myself on my son is what I did. It's very easy for me, (seniors...MIL's in general) to panic instead of rationally thinking through a life situation with family. Sometimes elderly family members need to be brought kicking and screaming to the table to discuss these matters and to talk about what is possible and what is NOT. They have a say in family matters they don't have a "right."
This would seem a perfect situation, except for one thing--my grandmother was from the "old country" (and looked like a stereotypical "babushka") and she could speak only broken English, and quite often my mother (and my sister and I) could not grasp what she was trying to tell us, so sometimes my grandmother would just laugh, wave her hand and say "okay, okay". When my father came home, she might tell him and he would explain what she had said for us.
By the time it was well into spring and it was time for my grandmother to be taken back to her own home where she lived alone (with frequent visits and help from the nearby uncle), my mother had started developing some form of colitis that took quite a while to treat successfully. Some years later, my mother told me she thinks this happened due to the rather low-grade but constant stress of trying to communicate with someone all day when there was a language barrier (but of course she never mentioned this to anyone, and my father had been dead for a couple years when she told me).
I figure that if one is trying to deal with a parent or in-law with whom there is a personality clash, this would be MUCH more stressful, most likely leading to physical illness. I hope Netty keeps this in mind--having both her in-laws essentially moving in will not "end well".
I write from the patients perspective. I was diagnosed with Early onset ALZ 5 yrs ago next month. I've spent a lot of time on Agingcare learning as I started on my journey. Most recently, my Neuropsych exam says I am in Mid-Severe Dementia and need 24/7 care, was the Neuropsych Doctors' opinion. My Neurologist and PC both feel that it is not a correct diagnosis. Be that as it may, I'm still stuck with that moniker in my medical records.
I have told my DW that when I do required 24/7 care, I want her to put me in a facility at least a 100 mi from where we live. I don't want my family to feel they have to spend every waking moment visiting me in MC. We have two sons that are adults and starting to make lives for themselves. We also have a teenage special needs child. I believe my DW should be spending her time focusing in our daughter. I also want her to feel as though she can go ahead creating a new life for herself. Should that mean meeting someone she wants to date. I say go ahead. My DW is 8yrs younger than me and I think she should be able to enjoy life with another husband. I don't think she should have to be focused on me at a stage that I don't even know who she is. I know this is contrary to the way many people think, but I've thought this way since before I was ever advised I had dementia. She's been totally devoted to me and she's taken good care of our family through many health issues I've had with Sleep Apnea and at 40 being diagnosed with Muscular Dystrophy. My Ortho Doctor couldn't believe I hadn't been diagnosed with the M D when I was a child. I'd always been told I just had a high arch.
I know I come from different experiences, but my DW has been so good to me, I think she should be able to live life to the fullest. We've been together 27 yrs dating and 25 yrs married. Life could never have been any better than it is.
I have long thought since I was taught by my mother who was DON for a Catholic Skilled Nursing Faciility, and I've told my 3 adult children, two of them ours, and our Teenage daughter that I don't want them giving my DW any trouble. We've done all of the financial and legal planning that needs to be done. Recent circumstances now require a little tweaking to make some matters conform to changes in the law of our state.
Its perfectly okay to want to avoid this contract and all the stress you know it will put on you, your home, your family, your limited time living on this beautiful planet.
You're okay, kiddo😘
Accept that you feel guilty and shame.
Then get into therapy to deal with these strong negative emotions. They are deep rooted and require focused tenacity to dive in and through.
You might initially ask yourself:
How much do I care about MYself and the quality of MY own life?
Do I put others' needs before my own? If yes, consider "Is this what I want to do for the rest of my life?"
It is NOT easy to change how we think of our self and if/how we love and/or respect our self. These are life-long patterns of behavior (and mental "I'm not good enough" - a message many of us get / got and carry with us). You will need to make a decision to allow yourself to FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE while being aware of your feelings (guilt, shame) and learn how to observe them without being attached to them. Watch them as an outside observer. Separating automatic behavior/thought patterns is one of the most difficult decisions we can make in our life. We do this when we are ready; when we know we deserve to be a whole person for our self first, then assist another as we can. Continuing to put an other's needs before our own translates into never knowing the essence of who we are.
BE BRAVE ! FEEL the shame and guilt. Observe it. Write it down. Then it will not be 'stuck' and you will feel other ways. Feelings want to move through, allow them to do what they need to do. You can do it.
Nancy may not have given the correct message in drug use (as addictions are extremely complicated and require more than Just Say No, however in this case, she is right. JUST SAY NO then start working on your (inner) self and build up your self-esteem.
DO READ RESPONSE FROM DEMI53 . . .
Heed her experience and be forewarned. . .
You mention at the end about a daughter who lives nearby. In all due respect, it sounds like you are a martyr:
One definition:
"In psychology a person who has a martyr complex, sometimes associated with the term "victim complex", desires the feeling of being a martyr for their own sake, seeking out suffering or persecution because it either feeds a psychical need or a desire to avoid responsibility."
Besides, you have a daughter that is closer to you than I, so she would be better suited than I to help you.
Thank you for your respecting my decision it is greatly appreciated.
If he keeps on nagging you just politely explain that if he does not respect your decision about moving in then he would not respect the living arrangements. That would make it difficult and unpleasant for both of you.
If he keeps on nagging you just inform him that the telephone call is being recorded and if he does not stop immediately harassingly you, you will give the recording to a lawyer and the lawyer will be contacting the police. He can spend the rest of his time on this planet in a jail cell for harassment. Sometimes only tough love works.
Based on your health issues - i would be surprised if anyone asked.
Why is "NO" not good enough? Is anyone pressuring you or are you doing this to yourself?
NO is a complete sentence and you do not need to explain. If pressed - "my doctor says absolutely not" end of story
You are sorry but wouldn't be able to handle going thru it again.
Also let the daughter know this.
You can let them know that you would be happy to help out and give them an overnight or a few days break if they are going on vacation but they will have to make other arrangements than living with you.
No one ever taught us in school that our parents would one day grow old and would lose their minds in many cases. It is the most heartbreaking ordeal to watch 24/7 as your loved one deteriorates. No one ever prepares us for old age or for making provisions for our elderly parents, who often do not have sufficient resources...because they did not plan and no one taught them either. Personally, I think this is hug hole in our culture and we should begin educating our kids about aging and care of the elderly. We should also have laws and systems in place to cover "post retirement".
Say no. Just say no.