I have been caring for my mom for the last 4 years. My sister gave me 6 weeks of respite a year. Now she is narrowing the respite down to 1 month a year. I live in Florida, she lives in Massachusetts (where mom and I both lived). We have one other sibling who is mentally unstable. I am feeling overwhelmed and feel like I am not able to live my own life anymore. I am afraid she will get to the point where she will not give me any respite. Is it wrong to move my mom into assisted living and ask my sister to help pay for it since my mom’s income is poverty level? We are both retired and financially stable.
In the interim can she afford to pay for an aid to come in for 1 day a week or a few hours/a few days a week to give you a break? Or what about adult day care? If you're going to pay for something on her behalf (which is noble but not recommended) then I would start with this since it's more affordable and you'll get an immediate benefit.
If your sister doesn't like her mom spending money on this then you will explain to her that you need more of a break, not less. If she doesn't like it then she can be the full-time caregiver. The hard truth is that no one is obligated to provide hands-on care for another or to pay for such care. And no one should ever be "assumed" into doing it (or guilted, pressured, shamed, threatened, etc). Your sister has no moral or ethical obligation to do it and neither do you.
Hopefully one of you is your mom's DPoA. If not this needs to happen post haste if she has her faculties. If not, you can still take her to an elder law/estate planning attorney to help her get DPoA in place -- the attorney will interview her privately to assess if she can comprehend what she is doing so let the attorney decide if she's able, not you; then get her a doc appointment for a baseline cognitive/memory exam to have in her medical file; finally, maybe even consult with a Medicaid Planner to confirm she would actually qualify and if so, what it would take and when. Don't assume she will or won't.
I wish you success in getting your care schedule down to a manageable one for you both.
You can ask your sister if she can afford to help pay for AL for your mom, but you should also ask yourself if YOU can afford it? If not, there's always Medicaid to apply for on your mom's behalf for Skilled Nursing placement. Or perhaps you can finance her stay in AL for a while and then apply for Medicaid; speak to your sister and see if the two of you can come up with a plan of action moving forward.
Wishing you the best of luck taking care of YOURSELF as well as your mom.
On another note, it is so easy to get aggravated with our siblings when they don't help the way we think they should. Some may be selfish, yes. Others have complications in their lives that we simply aren't aware of. Unless we spent an extended time with that sibling, we will miss the difficulty they have.
I made the error of not understanding the stresses my sibling was under and ascribed selfish and wanton motives. That was not the case. They were overwhelmed by many factors in their life and lacked the resilience to deal with an avalanche of struggles.
Why is your sister decreasing the amount of respite she provides? I suspect it is because your mother is becoming harder to care for. Did you end up doing the caregiving because you are a retired nurse? Were you pressured into doing it?
From your profile: "I am caring for my mother Jo-Ann, who is 81 years old, living in my home with age-related decline, anxiety, arthritis, depression, mobility problems, and osteoporosis." I don't think your sister will agree to fund the cost of an AL facility with you. What do you do for your mother on a daily basis? Do you see her as qualifying for a NH?
Who is her POA/HCPOA? What is her financial situation?
Just because you took on the role of caregiver in the beginning doesn't mean it's a life sentence if you change your mind. As your Mom ages, her needs will increase, you will get older and have more limitations also. I suggest that you have a frank discussion with your sister about needing more help with Mom, and the toll it is taking on you. Since she has lowered her respite time, she surely will understand this. This does not mean she will be able to pay for NH care or want to; but will lead the way to discuss other solutions such as a private local aide to come in and spend a few hours with your mom each day. This will give you some very much needed and deserved respite time until the time comes when keeping her home is no longer an option. Best of luck to you!
Might I suggest that you help your mom apply for Medicaid. Then, help her to get placed into an assisted living facility that will take Medicaid.
While you are helping mom get Medicaid, you might consider placing her into an Adult Day Care which will care for your mom Monday through Friday during the daytime. This will give you a break most days of the week and cost less than assisted living.
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