My dad is 57 and has some health issues. He does need help doing some things, but I honestly think he "milks" things to get more attention & so others will do stuff for him. I probably wouldn't feel this way if it hasn't been going on for my entire 33 years of being on this earth.
We lost my mom when my sister and I were only in middle school. After she passed, my sister stepped up and played the mama and sister role. She done everything she could for my dad to help & it got to the point he expected it. (He wasn't sick at this time.) Once she was able to work, she got a job & worked to keep our house going & make sure the bills were paid. She had to grow up way too fast & it's not fair. Growing up without our mom was very hard. Dad was very tough on us. We literally had to do everything for him.
I lost my sister about 7 years ago. I'm married & we have a young child together. My dad is having some health issues & is on Home Health.
I often think he makes things out worse than what they are. Don't get me wrong, I know he struggles sometimes but I don't think it's as bad as he lets on ALL the time. I take him to all of his doctor's appointments which requires me to get off of work. I even have to go help him pay his online bills. If doesn't know how to do something, he has me to do it for him. He expects me to drop everything I am doing & be there Johnny on the spot when he needs something. Even something simple like if he doesn't feel like going to his mailbox. (Let me add, he has a scooter that he can use to go get his mail & in fact, I believe he could even walk but chooses not to.) He will sit on his porch & ask his neighbors to bring him his mail.
My husband & I were going in once a week to help him clean up his apartment because he says he just couldn't do it. He made no effort to even try & pick up after himself. There would be trash in the floor that he dropped & wouldn't even pick up. I think he sensed I was getting irritated with it after he asked my 8-year-old son to clean up some of his bathroom mess. From that point, he said he would start doing what he could & if he needed help he would call me.
But he hasn't asked for help yet cleaning yet. All he does is make comments to me & make me feel bad about it. We would see him 2 times a week & I would talk to him 5 days a week for an hour & a half each time but yet it was never enough. He makes comments like, "You're going to regret not spending all the time with me that you can" or "God expects you take care of your parents & not run off & leave them". Just all kinds of comments that always gets to me.
I took a week off of work to spend time with my son & told my dad I had one day that week I could do for him but all he did was make comments that I didn't have time for him. He made the comment to me on Christmas day that he had no family left..all his family was dead. When I questioned what about me & his grandson, he replied with "Like I said, all my family is dead". That really hurt my feelings.
I go visit him but dread going because he always wants me to do something. Even if it's send a text message to someone. I'll be at his house & he will hand me his phone, "Here, text Larry for me & tell him I need him to call me." or "Here, read this for me & tell me what it says." Stupid stuff that he can do himself, but he chooses not to. He wants everything done for him & done right then. & God forbid I tell him no..."You don't love me anymore?" so there goes the pity, guilt stuff again.
It's a revolving door. I do so much but it's never enough for him. I can never please him. Apparently, he thinks I don't love him. He can do so much more for himself, but he uses his health issues to get what he wants.
This is only the beginning. He is stressing me out so much & my husband wants me to just walk away & not help him until he realizes all I am doing, but I want to do the right thing by being there. I have health issues of my own & can't keep this stress up.
Frankly, who cares is he's mad at you?? Does he care how you're feeling? Obviously not. You need to set boundaries - be firm but kind and stick to your guns. Do the things you want to do and nothing more. Read up on boundaries and on grey rocking - how to ignore his insults and not engage and leave.
Yes, you do waaaay too much for him. I'm a little older than him and can not even begin to imagine acting this way to my children. It's heinous!! I made the mistake of doing too much for my parents - mostly self inflicted though! If I could go back 20 years, I would have done things so much differently. I was an enabler and someone told me I was actually a "disabler". I was angry at first but then the light dawned and I was able to see that doing too much for my parents made them able to sit around and do less which helped feed their declines. That was mind blowing to me but once I got it, boy was I upset with myself! But you have to move forward and do what you know is right.
I would initially suggest / encourage that you get into therapy.
* Old patterns of behavior / triggers will be 'running' you until you stop them.
* Guilt is a B--ch with a capital B. It is a tough one although if you learn how to go inside and feel through it - you can learn to re-... direct those feelings. First you need to allow yourself to fully feel them. Not just surface-ly.
Ultimately, I believe you need (we all do) learn to put our self first.
Build our our self-esteem and feel our value in the world. When we are grounded in our SELF (took me decades although it starts with a desire, if not determination, to go on a personal - inner - journey), the 'answers' or guiding to what is the best way to proceed will come to you. Trust yourself. Trust your intuition. Do your inner work.
Daddy may be a narcissistic pesonality type. Research / learn what this is - as well as learn how to feel / be compassionate towards him (he is scared, fearful -- and has - perhaps life long strategies in place to get what he wants). While you learn to understand his behavior - and reasons - you do not allow him to control you and how you decide to interact with him. You are two separate entities / people in the world with your own triggers - and needs - for the best life you can manifest.
For you it is a combination of learning to be compassionate and set boundaries.
He won't like it. You may feel awkward doing. However, you need to stop catering to him (which is sounds like you are doing - perhaps for decades ... perhaps 'trained' / brought up to do this for your entire life). This is why I suggest therapy. It will help you navigate through all the family 'stuff' so you can make healthy / healthier decisions for yourself first, while managing dad's needs.
Ultimately, we all need to learn that there is so much we can do and then we have to accept / learn to LET GO and (as some may say ) LET GOD.
None of this will be easy. You are going to interrupt old patterns of behavior / conditioning - perhaps from your entire life. The payoff: You will know who you are to your CORE. This is the best gift you can give to yourself. I know. I did / do the inner work for over 40-50 years. It never ends. And, learning who I am to my core is ... well, powerful - it allows me to own my behavior and also allows others to own theirs. It allows me to let go when thing don't go my way ... That is a simplified explanation. This 'inner journey' never ends. It makes my life - the quality of it worth living.
Gena / Touch Matters
I hope you don't mind, I made a copy for me to re-read.
I know someone that has positioned themself as the Go-To person for an elder. While needs appear reasonable yet, the Go-To is already 'on call'.
Being the Go-To (appears to me) to be the opposite of a Let Go position... so involved in the others' life, like their lives have blended. People closer than me have named it 'co-dependant'. While that is not my circus.. I am always keen to read about & learn what drives motivation & behaviour.
I've seen this guilt spreading before. When the main Go-To then adapts the same pattern to pull in their own adult children, nieces, nephews or siblings.
Someone has to break the pattern.
Thank you 😊
Look up the term....turns everything around to it all being your fault....making you second guess yourself.....
They've learned that gaslighting helps them get what they want.
If anyone hasn't suggested seeking some mental health counseling, please think about finding a counselor/therapist that can help you gather some strategies and responses to you "man/child" father the next time he wants to play the victim.
You've already done a couple of good things by recognizing his behaviors and by reaching out to this community filled with wisdom and experience!
I really liked the response that included that you ask if he wants help looking for and assisted living situation since he has no family left....(paraphrased). :)
Blessings and hugs to you!!!
Very well said about the gaslighting. That's exactly what the father is doing.
That and he has weaponized his neediness and uses it to manipulate and control.
“And how do I stand up to him without the guilt?” Answer: quit ‘guilt’ – guilt for what? You have NO obligation to support your father in any way. At age 57, he can check out all his options, and find his own supports. He is not your child, certainly not a small child, and you aren’t responsible for him. He is a very nasty middle-aged user, that’s all. You might even think that he's killing off his family, one by one.
Your dad thinks you are a pushover. He quite possibly does not view you husband in the same light, so the genuineness of that "threat" may light a fire under him to work on doing those things that he can do. If it doesn't, EVERY time YOU have to miss work or compromise your child or husband to do something your dad COULD have done for himself, be sure to leave a flyer lying around his place for the latest assisted living or senior service you've noticed.
That is great ideas and I really like the idea of leaving flyers laying around. He will flip his lid, for sure but you are right that he needs to realize it or take control of the things that he can actually do himself.
I do feel like a pushover to him and that's my fault because I let it get to this point. I used to not take his crap but something seriously happened to me after I had my son and I can't for some reason stand up to him like I used to. I'm too much of a worrier and a people pleaser but that's landed me being miserable when I can't tell him no.
Yes, I understand. The elderly may be demanding. They may not care that a daughter like you with a job to do and make the household go smoothly with a husband and a 6-year-old son. BUT, a person suffering from Mild Cognitive Impairment, MCI" can exhibit those behaviors due to the illness, and definitely not to make you feel bad.
Grow a backbone and figure out how much time to spend on the phone and how often to go visit and how much you are going to do for him. The more you do the more that will be demanded.
Nip this in the bud, it will get worse if you don't. You will never ever do enough to earn his so-called love. You cannot control what he thinks and you should not allow him to make you feel guilty.
You can only control your response to the situation.