52 years of marriage to BB, ups and downs then a fall in January that broke the clavicle and tore the rotator cuff to the point he required surgery. He's 74 now and his job gave him from Jan 8th till mid March to heal & return to his senior driver position he's held for 32 yrs. Couldn't make it so they said retire or get fired. He retired and he's done a total about face. He's blaming me for everything, sees something and says that needs to be trashed. Clean up everything or I'll toss it (he does too). He watches all real life murder shows, forensic files, murder by numbers, 48 hours, closed cases, etc. Says he's getting tips for the perfect murder. I've hidden the pistol and he's mad about it. He's gotten mean, verbally abusive, forgets things, starts projects then forgets them. His driving frightens anyone in the vehicle with him so I drive most of the time. I figure some of the memory problems are from sedation at surgery. Also genetic since his mom had Alzheimers.
I collect dolls from the 50s & they are displayed in a back bedroom. He hates them, wants to rent a storage building, put them in it. He wants that room for himself to sit and smoke in. He vapes and I'm allergic to smoke from cigarettes, the vape liquid breaks me out in a rash. He just shrugs and says BB is going to do what BB wants to do in BBs house and if you don't like it, get out. Wish I could. I have no place to go. Didn't want to me to return to work when I was laid off in '92. Wanted me to stay home & care for the new grandkids. I did, now they are mostly grown. Now he says I'm lazy and need to get out and work like he had to. I have spent years watching 2-4 children daily while he took the money I made. Found he was hiring prostitutes with it & he got arrested in 2005 for hiring an undercover cop! I am physically unable to work now. I have had one complete knee replacement and take shots in the other knee that the dr. said has got to be replaced asap. I have an inoperable tumor behind my eye and have to take meds to control seizures. I have Cirrhosis of the liver even though I don't and never have drank. I've probably had 1/2 cup of liquor in all 68 yrs. I get dizzy, my heart skips beats leaving me shaking and weak. I've had 30 lbs of tumors removed from stomach & leg & they have returned. He tells me I'm fat, slouchy and stupid. Then swears he didn't say it. He constantly says I don't tell him things. I do, the kids tell him I do but, he denies it.
I had to put a warning on his phone because he sits and watches movies for hours on it and uses up our data. Now he swears I won't let him use it. New bill shows 533 min of calls, 7 pages of texts. He is constantly living in the past. Wants to go to the town where he was born to live now. He goes out to the garage, sits in the heat and listens to songs from the 40s. Constantly trying to live in the past. He is fine one minute, furious making snide remarks the next. It is like living on thin ice. I've gone thru this with mom who is now in memory care, now I'm heading into it with him. He will be furious in the morning because I knocked his vape battery off kitchen cabinet, it went under the stove and hung. I pulled it apart getting it out. I left him a note and the $20 I've been saving up since July for my hair cut. Hope he doesn't spend a lot on one. He's calling for estimates on rewiring house, remodeling kitchen & bath. Wants to buy a camper. We can't afford it at all. He doesn't know how to pay the bills or even what is owed & refused to learn. Now, he can't remember dr appts, meds, etc. without my reminding him which makes him angry. I've been placed on anxiety meds, had my dr. test me for dementia just in case. Nope! Just age related short term problems that are normal. But did tell me to find a safe haven from husband. He has appt finally in Dec for tests & I know he will try to cancel as usual if he remembers to check calendar. God knows my shoulders are really tired of the burden. Thanks for listening.
It's clear that your husband has gotten worse, not better, over the years. He does need an evaluation and help, but so do you. What you are enduring is not healthy or safe, and it needs to improve. You've received lots of helpful advice and need to consider your options and what is best for you for your future. I wish you the best!
What was your sons take on the day he spent with him? If he thought it was fine, ask him to do it more often, but also I hope you told him that within an hour he had turned on you again. You may want to play a recording for him. And again, if you feel at all threatened call your son and 911 so there’s a record and intervention.
If you want to help him and help yourself, then stop taking care of him. Stay out of his way. Don't remind him to take his meds. Don't cook or clean for him. Let him fall flat on his face (figuratively), so that he will have a health crisis, and be taken to the hospital. From there, get him admitted to a facility where they can medicate him for his aggression. Do not take him back home. He belongs in an institution for his safety and everyone else's.
Just another thought!
Next, whether or not he has dementia, he is demonstrating symptoms of SIGNIFICANT innapropriate and hostile behavior, so from YOUR point of you, it could be time to start making “either/or” decisions.
The first decision of that type would seem to me to be “Am I safe or unsafe living under the same roof with this person, given his threats and overt negative behavior?” If, as you sound, you are feeling unsafe in your own home, you MUST contact legal help (Legal Aid if necessary) and document his recent conduct. You must do this now.
THEN, if you feel that you may be a potential target of physical harm (the psychological harm is taking place already) you need someone to know, right now. If you have a local Woman’s Center, contact them. Contact a clergy person, ask for a referral for psychological counseling FOR YOURSELF from one of your medical doctors, speak to someone in the Office of the Aging. Do this right now, not a week from now, TODAY.
NEXT, your children NEED TO KNOW. Address this as a problem, and prepare a list of BEHAVIORS that concern you. Try hard to avoid emotion when making this list. “He raises his voice in an angry hostile tone”, NOT “He yells at me and makes me cry”.
He is reacting to something in a way that is not
productive for you, but it also sounds as though he is miserable himself. Unfortunately some people become enraged when they are depressed or anxious. If this is the case, the next type of diagnosis is psychological/psychiatric. Is there ANYONE, family or otherwise, to whom he will listen if concern is extended towards him concerning how he FEELS about his recent problems?
You will need to have someone else become aware of his behaviors in order to help yourself.
You are NOT POWERLESS. You MUST begin to advocate for your life. You sound like someone who needs the help of kind people who will listen to you. If you seek them out, they are out there, just as helpful and concerned people are here.
Take a FIRST STEP, however small you make think it is, to address this difficult situation TODAY. Look up potential help sites on line, look up Woman’s Crisis Center, Office of the Aging, find sources for getting help, make notes and keep them with you. One step forward will give you comfort and courage. Fondest thoughts-.
Everyone of you have given me more help and care than I've had in a long time and you have no idea how much I appreciate it. I am definitely looking into many of the options. God Bless all of you.
You need to decide if you want to "ride it out" and see if the situation improves or get out of the relationship yourself.
I would rather happily live in a studio apartment, quietly watching my Hallmark movies than with a person who wants me to leave. Best of luck to you!
PLEASE get some help. I don't think you should get kids involved in their marriage, but this is an emergency, your kids might think your being a little dramatic, or they may feel that they have to take sides. Assure them that they can love him, but you need their help. Do what Ahmijoy says. Get in their faces if you have to. You need some support.
He clearly does not want you there. If he doesn't want your help and is threatening you than all bets are off when it comes to your marriage. Some people can not be helped.
Do me a favour if your cell phone has apps download Robin Mc Graw abuse app. This app looks like a game app. But you can preprogram it to call one of your kids or 911 with a message like, "I am in danger and need help". Plus, it has a tracking device in it in case your husband relocate you so the police can find you. And it records what is going on in the room. The app should be in the app store, if not, Look up Georgia Smile or Robin Mc Graw.
It has saved so many women's lives.
You need to get out or get him out. No one should live this way. You deserve better.
May God protect and guide you through this very difficult time in your life. I believe Heavenly Father that You are able and willing to shield this woman from harm in Your son's name Jesus. Amen
If you believe say, Amen
Please keep us informed. We do care.
Get in your kids faces and tell them that by their unwillingness to truly help, your inevitable fate is going to be on their conscience. If something happens to you, care for their dad is also going to be on them...unless he is in prison. And wouldn’t that be a blot on the family name.
Before you act, consult with an attorney to see where you stand. Plan things out and then GET OUT.
Then do not go with him.
Maybe they have assisted living there, and he could qualify for help.
You move near your own family.
And please give the guns in your home to your son before you wind up on the wrong end of one.
None of it is your fault. You didn't put him in pain, you didn't force him out of a job, you did none of the things that have made him so angry and hurt and despairing.
After such a long marriage I'd hate to see you robbed of it. But can you at least get a break from it? What about that safe haven your doctors wanted you to think about?
Your husband needs help, and he's not accepting anything you can do for him. I just wonder if staying away for a fixed time might wake him up a bit.
it would also be nice if you could get a rest from being kicked every time he's upset with somebody else :(
Big hugs to you. I'm so sorry this has happened. Please keep in touch with us.
In the US each state is allowed to make its own laws so there isn't any conformity between states.
First, if he goes to hospital again, refuse to take him back again. He is planning the perfect murder, and the most likely victim is you. His verbal abuse probably includes threats of violence. You cannot provide a safe environment for him or for yourself. See the social worker as soon as he is admitted – and don’t let them just take them into an ‘observation’ option rather than full on admission, or persuade you to take him back 'on trial'.
Second, contact your local licensing authority to get his driving licence revoked. He is not a safe driver. Third, consider getting his credit cards revoked. Inform the providers that he has no funds to meet the obligations he intends to take on. Last, consider applying for guardianship – I assume he won’t give you a financial or general POA. And protect yourself (even by moving out) to avoid the backlash from these things.
If you have a local non-profit that provides advice for women suffering abuse, go to it and get help with all these things. Women really do get murdered in these circumstances.
Talk all these options through with ‘the kids’. You need them on your side, so ask for their advice, take it when you can, tell them that you have taken it and thank them for their help. If they want to gloss over the problems, tell them to think about where they stand if your husband murders you and ends up in jail because of it.
Please explore your options while you are still alive!
Your husband should be on Meds for his problems. His threats could become real. A dementia person can no longer reason. Their reality is not ours. If he becomes violent, and I mean one smack, call the police and have him taken out of the home. Request he be taken for a 72hr eval because he has been threatening you and he shows signs of Dementia. Once the eval is done hopefully he will be kept at the facility until they find the correct meds. Tell them he cannot return home because with you health problems you can no longer care for him. If you have no POA then let the state take over. You will not be left impoverished. Hopefully u can get Medicaid to cover his care.
I am so sorry for your situation. It definitely cannot be a pleasant environment, nor secure for you. I am sorry I do not have any advice, I just wanted to reach out to you and let you know someone is here, and I care. You are a valuable person and I hope that you are able to get the answers and solutions that you need. I know there will be others that respond with valuable advice.
May God help you.