We moved my mother in about 3 1/2 years ago. We live in Mississippi. She lived in Virginia until my Dad passed. She didn't want to be alone in her house so she sold it. My brother lives in North Carolina. She said all she wanted was a bedroom of her own with a twin bed, dresser and TV. Yeah, right! She has little by little tried to take control of our house. My husband is disabled and in quite a bit of pain. But he takes her to her Dr. appointments and is there if she needs him. He doesn't have much conversation with her, but he is the primary one that agreed she needed to come live with us. He will get her whatever she wants if he can and is very responsive to her needs. I work all week. Every night she expects me to sit with her in the den for three hours and watch TV with her and converse. My husband watches TV in the livingroom during that time. Most of the conversation involves her complaining about someone or something. She complains about my husband laying around and keeping it too cool in the house (she has jackets and blankets and it is always 74 degrees in the house). She wants someone to go get her something to eat every time they go out. There is plenty to eat in the house. I was told this when I lived at her house. I have two grandchildren who I love dearly. One lives an hour and a half away. His parents are divorced and we see him twice a month. We go down there and stay the weekend once a month and I get a sitter for her (her and the sitter get along great). She has never been good with children and complains every time I plan anything with them. She also has macular degeneration in her eyes and can't see very well. She can't read, play cards or even see the TV well. She complains she is bored and that I do too much on the weekend and leave her alone. I always invite her to go wherever we are going (which is not much). Sometimes we go out to eat, but she doesn't want to go so we bring her something back. When I go to see my grandchild 20 minutes away, she never wants to go; not even to his one year old birthday party. She is on oxygen and uses that as an excuse, but she has a small tank that she can take with her like she does to Dr. appointments. Lately we have been having words. She tells me she is tired of being left alone and that I am a "me" person, which is so far from the truth! I go to Sunday School and church on Sunday morning. I am not giving that up. We were raised in church and a Christian school. However, I don't feel I can do anything during the week I want to do (church, movie, dinner) because I will have to listen to her. My brother only comes once a year and might call every three weeks if I am lucky. He is tired of hearing me vent. He knows all too well how bad she is. I am at my wit's end as to what to do. I know I just need to ignore her, but it is so hard to do. What else can I do besides start thinking about a place to put her other than MY house?
Change it.
I was scared to confront her about having space and privacy but it’s been worth it. Your mom may not like it. But your life is just as important as hers!!!
I know my grandma is lonely and I do spend a lot of time with her, mostly reading separately but we’re side by side in the same room. We also eat at least one meal together every day. And I take her on outings on my days off.
I can’t be her companion or make her find happiness in life, that’s up to her. She will complain that she’s lonely but her husband of 50 years recently passed away and she’s still grieving.
But your mom sounds very unhappy and it’s making you and your husband miserable.
Good luck with you decision.
You shouldn't ignore it. I agree with Dori's "put your foot down" approach.
But also consider that your mom may have mental health issues that warrant diagnosis and treatment. Get her to a geriatric psychiatrist. Meds may help.
If you are determined to keep your mom at home, you either have to accept that this is your life now, or put your foot down. You have to decide which is going to be the hardest thing. My BFF thinks it's easier on her to go along with it all, rather than deal with her mom's passive-aggressiveness, because she feels it ends up creating more work for her in the end. I decided to put my foot down, and it was hell for awhile, but now it's ok.
Setting boundaries is hard. People get mad at you for it. They yell, they sulk, they cry, they act out...they try everything to manipulate your guilt. Eventually, you learn to ignore their temper tantrums and the guilt, and do your thing anyway. The thing is to stick to your guns once you decide you are putting a boundary in place. If a person successfully breaches your boundary even once, then they will probably never give up trying to breach it again.
Also I second the recommendation of audio books, as well as other forms of audio entertainment. The public libraries have spectacular book collections on CD, and you can request others in from other libraries. They also have even more for download online. Recently my brother got mom a little CD stereo player that has Bluetooth, so any kind of digital audio can be streamed to her room from the computer or my smartphone. There are many free collections of classic books online in audio format as well (check out Google Play), and if you're willing to pay a little, you can find just about anything on Amazon or Audible.com. There are also lots of radio plays and TONS of free podcasts available. Public radio has loads of awesome talk shows and documentaries - I believe in the US, you can access NPR on a regular radio, like we access CBC here in Canada. And online you can access Public Radio International, the BBC, the CBC, and much more. And there's always music. If you're not sure how to set this up, maybe ask your kids to help you out.
I changed the internet package to unlimited bandwidth. It costs an extra $15 a month, but between the unlimited access to Netflix and "on demand" TV, and the massive amounts of audio programming available online, it's paid for itself over and over and over in terms of my sanity!
What on earth is the upside of keeping her at your house? It doesn't seem to be working out for anyone, including her.
Have the sitter come there when you and husband are home so you can enjoy your evenings together. At least some of them.
Then transfer her to IL or AL with the sitter still keeping her company.
Think about when her eyesight is worse. Does she need to be in a space she can “ memorize” ?
Perhaps having a planned progression of care will give you some relief of the tediousness. A goal. A timeframe?
If you have sitter more often you may be able to handle it longer if that is a goal
BUT
What about your husband? Is he enjoying his life? Does it help him in any way for him to be responsible for her?
His life sounds tough. Pain. MIL all day. Alone in the evenings.
What’s the prognosis for his condition?
Can the sitter take her to the appointments?
Anyway I guess I’m saying shake it up a bit.
Good for you that you are seeing your GC and making them a consistent part of your life. Come back and let us know how it’s goibg.
Hire the sitter for companion care, 2-3 days a week,at her expense....
You said:
" I get a sitter for her (her and the sitter get along great)."
I don't have any sage advice other than trying to learn the only one that will protect me is me. I can try to reason with my mom until the cows come home how I am indeed being helpful, and how her demands are unreasonable, but being who she is, she will not get it.
I have to put my foot down and say, I will not help you do this, I don't care if you cry like a little kid who does not get their way. I have to say, next time you call me stupid I will not answer your calls for a whole day.
In your case, I will watch one hour of television with you then I am going to be with my husband. Or ultimately, you are going to a nursing home. (did I mention my mom is not the one with the "real" problem? My dad has ALZ and is in a memory care, and by comparison is easy to deal with . My mom, who has not real illnesses other than severe anxiety/OCD is the problem.
There's your answer.
I am not surprised she is bored, she moved from the place where she knew people and appears to not have any social life other than you and your DH. Would she go to an Adult Day Program, or Seniors Centre?
I am not surprized that she wants to go for a meal when your dh takes her to the doctor, she is bored at home and that gives her an outing. I would be bored too, if I rarely left the house, did not know anyone in the community and basically only spoke to two people.
But you too need to put boundaries in place. Mum, I cannot spend 3 hours each night watching TV with you. We can watch one show, then I will spend time with my husband. Mum, I understand you are bored, but I am not going to entertain you all weekend. I have my own plans, I will include you if appropriate, but I will not cancel them.
Can't read - Audio Books
Can't play cards - Braille cards
Can't watch TV - listen to the radio or Descriptive Video Service
There is no shame in her living in another place. It may provide the social and mental stimulation she needs. It would give your dh a break and you can choose when to spend time together, instead of you looking for an escape and your mother clinging to you for a social life.