How do I get over the guilt of dreading going to visit my parents?

Dear LonelyOnly1,

You’re not alone for feeling the way you do, your stressed out and it’s overwhelming for anyone in this situation...and it’s okay, your allowed to be.

Guilt is a horrible feeling, not easy to ignore or get over it either. I know because I deal with it every day. I’m my mom’s sole (and Soul) caregiver 24/7, it’s an extremely difficult job in every aspect...emotionally, mentally, physically and financially...because I had to quit my job to do this so no money coming in and my savings acct is depleting slowly but surely. Lost my dad to 2 cancers over a decade ago and have been taking care of my mom since...but recently last year as of 24/7.

The real very sad part is, I’m not the only child but the only “single, younger” one that has this responsibility (I’m 46 yrs old with my own medical health issues too). Immediate family live in other states and don’t visit nor help, even financially. Extended family live near by but everyone has their own life and their own problems, they might call once a month or on a holiday just to criticize.

You are doing the best you can with your situation. You can’t change how your dad feels towards you right now (anger, resentment?) you can only change how to perceive it. He’s old school and thinks you should be doing everything bc your the woman (my dad was like this too) if you stop doing it though sooner or later he’ll do it for himself or someone else will have to do it in the ALF.

You do already take very good care of both your parents to the best of your potential. You raised your own family too, wonderful job! and in the near future maybe you’ll even be a grandparent ...lots of joy to look forward too.

God Bless you & your family in these hard times and be safe & healthy in this pandemic.

You dad displays anger as his way of dealing with frustration and change. If you weren't there, it would be somebody else. Your mom withdraws, probably because she can't cope with your dad's anger. Please have both parents evaluated by geriatric doctor for age-related dementia. Please also have then evaluated by psychiatrist for mood disorders. Mom may need treatment for depression. Dad may need antianxiety agents to calm his frustration.

As for AL, you placed them there because you can not be 24//7/365 caregiver. A weekly visit to bring water, freshly laundered clothing and snacks is very generous. However, they have other obstacles getting in the way of healthy living - namely their dog which neither can house train. Try putting dog pads on the floor and hiring a dog walker. If you can't solve the dog bathroom issues, the dog has to go to another home.

If the dog issue and your parents' mental health issues are resolved, would visits to your parents be less stress-filled for you?

My parents seem like they having trouble keeping up with their huge house and I have tried to get them to downsize for years or hire help etc... They have refused. Recently I talked to them about a senior living alternative as it is now past the point of downsizing. The conversation was not productive at all. So I backed away and let them make their decisions. I don't live close and have health problems so I can't help anyway, but even if I could I would be very careful doing so as it seems it can become a slippery slope quickly. I don't feel guilty as they don't seem to care how their decisions affect me. Also neither of them took care of their parents when they were old. So that is how it will go until their next disaster strikes.

Don't let your Dad move in. It will be very hard to undo that. And you should not feel guilty at all. Your Dad does not care about how he makes you feel. Good luck and take care of yourself.

You are not alone. When I wake up on a visit day, I have severe anxiety, dread, stomach cramps, and overall unease. I sit through the visit until I can leave. When I drive away, all those symptoms leave and I am fine until the next week, next visit. Since COVID 19 has resulted in no visits, I am fine.

There is a lifetime of history with a parent. It ends up being what it is. When I visited my 95 yr old mom, I watch. Her face lights up when she sees me and she wants to say I love you and certainly wants to hear it back. She wants a hallmark card. I can recite anything but I cannot undo years and years of being screamed at, being criticized, and being humiliated. So, it is what it is.

I read posts from others who desperately want to visit their parent, who try to visit every day, and visit for hours. I confess to not even understanding the posts, even though they are written in English.

You are not alone.

Listen, the people who don't feel this way are the people who have NICE parents who treat them with loving respect rather than to chronically complain, force FOG on them, and perpetuate a dysfunctional relationship for decades. Your mother is depressed because your father is irrational, and there ain't no medicine on earth gonna fix THAT. You are depressed because YOU can't fix this situation your father has created and your mother has CHOSEN to stay in, but you did the next best thing: You got them into their OWN place at an ALF where others can be paid to look after them properly. It's not your 'job' to do that, so let go of the guilt and anguish you're putting on yourself over it.

I too am an only child; I had to place both of my parents in an ALF back in 2014 when Dad fell and broke a hip. He passed in 2015 and my mother is still alive at 93 (and has been 'ready and wanting to die' for YEARS now, by the way) and living in the Memory Care wing of the ALF. BEST decision I EVER made, bar none. She is a toxic creature and if I had to move her in with me, I'd shoot myself. I don't feel guilty about saying that, either, because it's the truth. Toxic people suck the energy out of you, and that's not okay. It IS okay, however, to give them their OWN lives in an ALF where you don't have to be subjected to the toxicity 24/7.

Where is it written that what you are doing here is 'wrong'? I have NO DOUBT at all that my mother would have died years ago had I NOT had her in an ALF. The professional care and attention they give her is something she would get nowhere else, and certainly not in my home where DH and I work.

Get rid of the FOG (Fear Obligation & Guilt) that's been instilled in you, and allow yourself to live YOUR life as you're allowing your parents to live THEIRS. We only get one run here on Earth, so make it a good one.

I know how you feel. Struggling with guilt everyday. Its a horrible way to exist. And, you are taking yourself down mentally and physically, while trying to do what you feel is the "right" thing.

By default, I sold my home (after divorce) and moved in with my mother and father, 11 years ago. Both needed full time care and attention 24/7. My Dad was a good man, but would always bring up mistakes Id made growing up. I wasn't perfect, but never escaped the guilt of the past, and if he would get upset about something, he'd drag out the ghosts of the past.

My mother, has ice water running through her veins at times. She can be, and will, strip you down with words , saying some of the most hatful things that could be said to a human, let alone her own child. Things like, " I hope your cancer kills you quick!" or "you kids dont mean anything to me, hateful stuff like that.

I have a sister, who lives 5 minutes away, and was always "too busy" to help me. She has 3 adult children, 2 live at home. She thought that I was "faking" the side effects from chemo, and it was my responsibility to take care of them, since my kids were with their mother in a different state. I mean, once every 3 weeks, she would stop by, critique what I wasn't doing right, stay for 45 minutes, and leave.

Well, my father passed 4 years ago, never had to go to a "home" and I was glad he didn't. I really didn't get to grieve my Dads loss, because my time was taken up with caring for my mom.

since my Dad passed, my sister has started to visit more often, (I guess she realized they were mortal, and wouldn't be around forever) but never to help, only to converse with mom, and critique the job I was doing.

We got into many verbal altercations, because of her verbal abuse. I hated to see her pull in the driveway.

So, I'm the caretaker, doing all the medications, cooking, cleaning, Dr.s appointments, shopping....etc.. 24/7 365 days a year. Last November was my 60th birthday, and my kids wanted me to visit them in their city for 4 days (was around Thanksgiving) and my sister told me I needed to hire someone to watch my mom, because she would be too busy to do it. I didn't get to celebrate my 60th with my kids.

Over the past year, moms health has declined rapidly. she has been in the hospital 6 times in the last year.....mostly from the effects of COPD. Each time she goes in, it takes her a little longer to rebound.

Up until the last admit to the hospital, she was able to walk with a walker, go to the bathroom by herself. Afetr her last hospital stay, she hasn't re-gained the use of her legs.

So, she is in skilled nursing now, and they dont think she will be able to walk again.

She does NOT want to be there, and expresses that every time we visit. She said that we "promised" her she would never have to stay in a nursing home.

Now, my sister is all emotional about her being in seclusion, with us not able to visit. She calls me daily, saying how depressed she is, and of course, I facetime my mom daily, and she wont talk about anything other than getting home.

I am unable to care for her now. My sister wont. I HATE making the daily phone call, and I dreaded visiting her everyday. I felt ashamed that those were my feelings toward my mom, but thats how I felt. And I still do to this day. Mom is not cooperating with PT, and will probably get kicked off of insurance coverage, with means we will have to pay out of pocket, sell the house.....etc.. She has undiagnosed age related dementia, which does not make this any easier.

I had to start seeing a therapist. Couldn't do it by myself anymore. Also, I set an appt to meet with my Pastor, to seek consul. I dont have any friends, confined to my home, fighting cancer, on disability, my kids are 1000 miles away, and I have an unsupporting sister.

Ill update you on the progress, and encourage you to reach out to any support groups, friends, professionals, clergy you can for help. God Bless!

First, hire a service to come in and clean up after the dog daily. This is a health issue. I suspect the Supervisor can provide names. During this Crisis, negotiate a fee to have staff do it. Again, it tracks through the building, so they have to keep it sanitary.

Worst case, They take away the dog. You can get Dad a grabber he can use from a chair or walker, and small trash can, or diaper genie bin for the poop. Also provide enzyme eating spray or bottle with spot. Kind you just let evaporate.

Set up a time to call daily for 10 -15 min each. Have a prepared topic list.
When they go off topic, say that is not what I am calling about. I am calling because I love you and to see if anything has changed, that I need to address.

You might send a list of tasks done...in writing. Tell them it is for their reference & reassurance!!

I am lucky, my Grandparents taught their sons to do laundry, floors, dishes, & see on buttons or patches. His motto was, even if it is only when your wife is having your child. Someday you need to Man Up & take care of the household. It is part of loving your wife!

But don't engage in that conversation. When you visit again, sit down for 5-10 minutes and just talk. Stop acting like a maid or staff member!!

They are in an AL for a reason. You placed them there to be cared for.

You are absolutely not alone in this. Your feelings are entirely understandable and even logical. Why on earth SHOULD you look forward to visits where nothing pleasant happens and a lot of unpleasant does happen? It doesn't make sense; that's not how people are constructed - to enjoy and look forward to dog poop and angry, cruel words.

First step, stop feeling guilty for your very legitimate feelings. Maybe acknowledge to yourself a feeling of sorrow, grief, or loss that you can't have a nice, porch rocking time with them when you visit. Accept your sadness about this, because it really is sad. But don't, for the love of Mike, beat yourself up for it.

You are not required by morals or the universe to destroy your life for a parent. Especially one who is cruel, negative, and abusive.

Take care of yourself.

You're not alone in your feelings!
I moved in to my parent's home, changed my lifestyle for them to feel more secure.
Extended family warned me not to do it, but guilt bought me to their home.
Being locked in because of corona virus has really bought these issues up.
Your father acts like mine. Complete disregard for anybody but himself, my mother is very passive.
I regret my choice immensely.
It's not OK to sacrifice our lives or happiness, and parents who loved you (and were in their right mind) wouldn't ask this of you.
What the lockdown is showing you, is how much better you feel when you don't see them all the time. Don't feel guilty, recognize it as a truth, and don't go back to your old ways, you'll loose respect for yourself if you do, and your father won't thank you. You're a Mother, would you have your children feeling this way in the years to come? There's your answer.

We may be in a minority but you are definitely not alone. My situation is different in that my mother is in AL already (but still relies on us for almost everything) but mentally I am the same; I am glad to have the dilemma over how often to visit taken away from me and am enjoying not being allowed to see my mother, though of course I wish it hadn't taken a serious crisis to bring it about. I then feel guilty that I am finding it so refreshing and dreading the lockdown ending in case my mum is even more demanding (though she is coping quite well on her own, with the care staff doing her shopping). I feel my life is on hold until my mother is no longer my responsibility (she didn't ask us if we minded this; just moved here and took us for granted) and despise myself for feeling like that. But I have learned that the mere fact of a close blood tie does not mean a strong emotional bond, sadly.

Misery loves company. Comparing stories of sick and aging “loved ones” who rely and depend on their grown children to be there and take care of things even if it means dropping everything and/or changing our own lives in order to devote ourselves to them until the end…this does not make sense. Guilt and resentment go hand-in-hand for those of us who want to live our lives without worrying about our parents needs and wants, racing for the phone when it rings, and declining to travel or vacation because “something might happen.” I know because I moved my parents into assisted living close to me six years ago and, even though they have meals and assistants to help them with their day to day needs, I am POA and responsible for their personal, medical, and financial needs (clothing, laundry, prescriptions, toiletries, Dr. appointments…) the list is endless. My mother has increasing dementia, barely hears, barely sees; my father gets around but is depressed and constantly tells me he couldn’t survive without me. Well, my dedication has turned to resentment, my endless love turned to frustration, my worry changed to guilt because I don’t want to be the caregiver. I just want to be their daughter, live my own life, make plans for trips, vacations, and retirement that does not include rest home duty. The best advice I often get is “you are not responsible for your parents.” It is not your fault they lived this long, not your fault they have failing health. Their end of life is not when your life begins. Your life is now! If you do not make the most of it you will miss out on all the things your parents wished for you. I am trying to heed this advice. Slowly turning over my caregiver duties to the trained and caring staff of assisted living and memory care. Soon my husband and I will retire and hopefully be able to travel and enjoy our golden years knowing my parents are in good hands (just not my hands!)

The longer the lockdown goes on, the freer and more like myself I feel and the more I dread going back to the pre-coronavirus days when my mother would criticize us for not visiting enough while making our visits unpleasant, so I felt bad whatever I did. I am not proud of feeling like this, but am just so worried that she will be even more dependent on us after doing nothing for months in lockdown and that I won't be able to cope with it. (My husband is another enabler who gives in to her for a quiet life, and may well feel sorrier for her and do even more for her than before - but he doesn't have 50 years of narcissistic training to deal with, so although he gets annoyed with Mum, he doesn't feel it acutely as I do.)

Indeed you have a lot of company. What your parents want and what they need are two different things. What they want is no longer your responsibility to provide since you have a full time job. What they need is where you can help or seek help. Try to see the difference and perhaps you would not be so hard on yourself. Your first responsibility is to yourself. Any good therapist will tell you that. As of today, your health is suffering so make as many small changes as you can that favor you. Gradually increase if this helps and stop hating yourself for being human. Anybody who says otherwise is plain stupid! Good luck. Been there.

I remember when dealing with Mom all the what ifs and difficulty making decisions for both of us. In the end you have to make what you feel is the right choice for your parents based on what you are able to provide and not compromise your life. Dad will be better off remaining in AL and you may need to limit your visits if he continues to express his anger. Put the wheels in place to dispose of the home that he will not be able to return to. One more burden off your plate. When Dad acts out at you tell him you will no longer tolerate that behavior and if it continues you will leave, and then do it. In hindsight would I have made different choices with my mother, yes/maybe, but I did the best I could at the time with the resources I had in place and living 90 minutes away with a teenage son with a broken ankle and a husband that worked nights.