It's a long weekend - one in which my parents, who are way way too old and unhealthy to be alone - are stuck in their unsafe house until their caregiver comes from 8pm to 8am. I feel guilty for not going to see them, but I have my own ten year old daughter who has plans today and frankly, my husband and I haven't spent the day alone together in months between work and family and life. I'm also so angry at my parents, long time narcissists who have only gotten more difficult as time goes on. I know that if I drive over to their house, I'll get frustrated and probably end up yelling at them. I seem to be unable to see them more than once every 4 to 6 weeks. I call. I do best seeing them when they have a daytime caregiver there - they behave better with a stranger around. But that's only two days per week for a few hours each day and she's not coming tomorrow due to the holiday. So I guess another week will go by without me seeing them. I call regularly. Sometimes they answer. Sometimes they don't. I feel guilty but I also am so angry. How do I get out of this spiral of guilt and anger?
You get to make your own choices. You choose to only see your parents every month or so and that's fine. No judgments for that. No one knows what your life was like with them. You want to feel good about that decision though. Well, sometimes you can't, but an emotionally mature adult works through bad feelings and gets past them.
Don't want to feel guilty about not seeing your parents? Go and see them then.
Don't want to feel anger towards them? How about not allowing yourself to be triggered by their behavior when you do see them. Also, by not triggering yourself over it when you don't see them.
If you're concerned about them being alone for 12 hours without a caregiver with them, they cannot live safely at home alone anymore.
So here's how you get past the guilt and anger. Get them placed in a care facility appropriate for their needs. You can get this ball rolling by calling APS and asking the local police department to make wellness checks on them. The cops will help you out. They always do when family asks for wellness checks on elderly or handicapped people living on their own. The other choice is they have to have live-in caregivers.
If their home is unsafe as you say, the police will act on it. APS will get your parents taken out of there because they are vulnerable adults.
Seniors like your parents always behave better when there's other people around. It's called 'company manners'. Your parents see the caregiver as "company" even though she works for them. That's everyone's aging parents who are narcissistic and abusive to begin with. My mother is certainly like this.
The older generations don't openly show the nasty abusive behavior reserved for their families in front of others. Younger people do because they don't care what others think. They share way too much but in a way I guess it's a kind of honesty that other generations didn't have.
Call APS and the local police. This will not only ease your mind, it will be doing your parents a favor as well. They aren't getting the care they need and you can help them get it. Good luck.
Try to move yourself from anger to acceptance. Don't waste your energy being mad. I understand but if is not good for you. Your parents are the way they are and it doesn't look like they want to change. Are they competent? Do you or someone else have POA for them in case they are, or become, incompetent?
I would just keep an eye on their safety level. If they are unsafe at home and do not have enough aides coming to help, you may need to make some phone calls to help ensure that they are being properly cared for. With aides already coming overnight, it makes me wonder if they are ready for moving to some level of care like assisted living or even long term care.
Good luck.
And are you perhaps grieving the fact that you(like me)got the short end of the stick when it came to parents, and as they get older and more difficult you realize that things will never be any better between you and them?
It's ok to be angry about that and to grieve the parents you never had.
But you must remember that your parents made their choices in life and now you get to make yours.
And if your choice is to stay away for your own mental health's sake, then you stay away. You have to do what is best for you and your family.
So stay strong, and know that you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty over, as you've done nothing wrong.
Now go and enjoy this long weekend with your husband and child.
Your parents are making their own choices.
It is time that you make better choices for yourself and for those DEPENDENT upon your having good judgement.
If you cannot manage that alone do consider counseling to help guide you an a healthier and less habitual path.
Your parents are yet another couple of elders who did not plan well. They don't have to live in an unsafe house. That was their choice. They must have chosen to stay at home with a caregiver rather than move to a light and bright assisted living place where they'd have 24/7 help and plenty of company. Again, they chose that. Of course you're angry because by so doing, they have you on the hook to provide companionship or fixing up their house or cleaning or whatever else it is they're manipulating you to get.
Just as they chose what they wanted, you choose what you want. That should be your daughter and your husband. Easy, no?
Well, no. But you CAN readjust your thinking. We don't owe our parents anything. I write this because I took care of two elderly parents way beyond what I wanted to do. I feel as if they stole 6 years of my life during which I had many family and career issues that needed attention. The only good that came of that mess was that I now feel confident in advising others who feel the same anger and resentment that I do. My advice is to do only what you want to do for them. They're narcissists and you can't change them, so it's your attitude that needs changing. No. 1 in your life is you. No. 2 is your own family. No. 3 is your job, if any. Way down on the list is your parents. And if they're not nice to you when you show up, leave abruptly and stay away for a longer time than usual. This won't change them, but it may help you stay sane.