How do I get my dad to leave my home and go to an assisted living facility? Is there legal help for this? I have zero POA.

Here's an idea - Tell him you need to do some work on the house or something. Then take him to an AL home and tell him it's for a month. Make him write the checks to the AL home. Once you get him in, they can do automatic payments from his checking account, and of sometimes you will have to lie about the the length of time he's there for. Little white lies can go a long way here.

This takes me back to when my Mum wanted to go back to her home in the beginning. I would say "No Way" - after all the home was uninhabitable. Later on I changed my answer. Every time she brought the subject up, I would say "Okay Mom, let's make a reservation for a ticket, would you like to go on the 1:30 or 2:30 flight?" I would even pull out the suitcase and tell her we needed to get her packed.

She stopped asking eventually.

When I tried to get her into a home, she would have issues with every one we went to see. She would say "This home I'm living in is a palace - why would I want to live there?"

Little white lies...

Lymie 61 had a good answer. A little white lie will not hurt you at all, at it may well help you to get him to move on. I myself had a similar situation with an abusive parent, so I know how you are feeling. I had no POA, and still do not have it today. None the less I have been able to move my Mum into facilities with no problems.

I originally was taking care of both parents, one with ALZ and the other with Dementia and NPD, and on occasion we would tour some of the AL homes. My Mum hated them all. She preferred to stay in my home but by that time my Dad was suffering from psychosis. My husband was living in the Caribbean, and I wanted to be with him during the holiday season. So I figured a way that I would have reliable help to stay in my home while I was away. I told my Mum that I was going to spend the holidays with hubby, and that xyz would be caring for her and my father. Well, it worked - my Mum quickly decided that she wanted to come with me, and agreed to stay in the White House (an AL facility one block from our condo). I continued to call it that on purpose.

The transition wasn't easy for either of them. My Mum was able to get involved at the facility and while Dad was not especially happy with the situation, he did adjust as best you can in the late stages of ALZ. All in all, it has turned out to be a very good thing for all of us. They had a nice room with a view of the ocean in a memory care unit - that was something my Dad wanted. The people in the home have been able to help me a lot in establishing boundries with my NPD Mum.

I know they are well taken off, and since my Mum is here with us, she has many new friends who visit her. Since my Dad passed away last year, My Mum and I have a better relationship than ever, so much so, that I'm actually taking her back to the mainland to stay in our home for a few months.

Good Luck!

I hope I never cause all this stress/anxiety for anyone. I wouldn't want to impose on anyone like this, especially my child.

I can assure all that POA is NOT the answer. We had that set up long before it was needed. POA allows the appointee to step in/handle financial/medical affairs when the principal cannot (or agrees to allow it.) However, when we determined that mom (dementia) could no longer stay home alone (after a few months of a one hour minimum daily "check" refused to let aides in), our Elder Care Attorney told us we couldn't just "drag" her out of her house (she refused to consider AL of any kind and had no interest in moving in with one of us, but needed supervision.) He suggested guardianship (takes time and money!), but the facility we had chosen said NO to committals. THIS is how I ended up on this forum - between a rock and a hard place - can't MAKE her move, she REFUSES to move.

You are going to need outside assistance with this, most likely legal. It's a great idea if you can get him to agree to set up a will, Medical/Financial POAs, and if needed, a trust to protect assets, for when he needs someone to step in and manage these issues for him eventually. HOWEVER, these are NOT magical wands that you can wield to make dad move or do anything else while he is still cognitively able. I see so many comments in various threads advising people to get POA thinking this makes them Lord of the Manor and what they say goes. It does NOT work like that. Clearly you also cannot just "drop" him off somewhere as some have suggested, be it hotel, assisted living and apartment or the side of the road. Someone either has to sign paperwork and arrange payment OR be charged with elder abuse. Issues exist for getting guardianship and/or stewardship - if he is NOT deemed mentally incapable, that will be a waste of time and money.

First suggestion is to find a capable Elder Care Attorney. Most will give you a free consult, perhaps 1/2-1 hour. When calling, give a brief explanation to ensure that attorney can handle this kind of problem. Be sure to have all questions listed out before your appointment, to make the best use of that time. S/he will likely be familiar with issues like this and be the best source to advise you as to your legal options. Going forward with POAs, trusts, etc, would be dad's financial responsibility. A good attorney might be able to get him to see things from another point of view and explain complications that may arise if he doesn't.

Another suggestion is to enlist the support again of a social worker. Perhaps arranging this meeting outside the home, in a neutral location, might be more conducive. Although he would not engage in the discussion before, perhaps they could, with input from you beforehand, present the issues, such as in order to stay financially stable, you need a job, but he will need supervision, so he needs to agree/pay for in-home assistance or move. If you cannot get a job, you will lose the house and ALL of you will end up homeless. If/when you present monthly expenses, can you clearly show that before he moved in it was X amount and now it is X+Y? Unless you made modifications to the home for him, having him live with you isn't really 1/3 the cost, as he would not impact the mortgage. If you did make modifications, it should have been his responsibility to cover the cost, but without any agreement, getting reimbursed now isn't likely.

Going forward he *should* be required to sign an agreement, notarized, stating how much he would pay each month. Of course getting him to sign that might be no easier than getting him to move, and compliance each month may be difficult as well. This is where you need to find a third party to work on getting this or any arrangement to work.

The other issue lurking behind the scenes is whether you want him to remain in the home, if he agrees to pay a reasonable amount consistently. Is this the real issue? I won't begrudge you that (I knew there was no way to have mom live here!) Just be honest about all concerns.

Agree with DesertGirl. Now that he has sold the home, he is better off financially than before. Wherever he goes, it will cost money for his care. Hire someone to assist him for 8-10 hrs a day using his income. As a fall risk, he needs someone with him. Tell him that being alone all day is not an option. He should also assume some sort of contribution to the home, such as the light bill. Be very frank in telling him you can no longer afford to stay at home because the bills are more than your wife makes. Since he has enough money to contribute toward his care/expenses, this is not too much to ask. And it needs to start immediately.
If he is not agreeable, then it may be time to put him in the car and visit a few facilities and let them explain the monthly cost. Sometimes parents hang on tight to whatever money they have for the 'emergency' that might come later one. They don't see the current situation as the 'emergency' they saved for all of their life - especially, when their needs have been taken care of without contributing.
Does your sister want him to relocate where she is? If not, you are just creating additional stress for yourself by the arguments/no response that will come with that conversation. Not worth it.
You need to return to work and rebuild your own retirement accounts. So if you hire home health care, be sure to leave the house each day (while job searching, etc) so that he visibly sees that you are not there to provide the all day care.

Three words - Elder Law Attorney.

Well, I have a thought, for what it's worth. Give him a choice. You say your dad's mind is sharp and he has a head for numbers. And you do too, apparently, as you have prepared spreadsheets and kept track of expenses. So show him the numbers. Tell him, Look Dad, this is what it costs us to keep you. This is our income (wife's income). This is unsustainable. We are going in the hole this amount a month. You need to contribute if you are going to live here (1/3 of the total expenses, as someone mentioned). This is what an assisted living unit costs. You decide which you prefer. Payment begins such and such a date. You either pay us by (first of the month or whatever) or you be out by that date. Give it to him in writing.

I don't know how you would actually enforce it though. Like I said, it is just an idea. That's all I've got. I wish you well.

Years ago, I would get constant calls from my dad who was in the hospital for various things. He complained about how dire the situation was for him and that he wanted us to come see him. We decided we couldn't afford to fly to be near him. He was several states away. My dad kept saying he was really bad off and my siblings said similar things. (They were in other states.) We ended up borrowing a lot of money in order to fly where he was. It took us quite a few years to pay the borrowed money back. Calls to the hospital made us think everything was okay. But my dad was insistent about what a horrible place it was and how poorly he was doing. When we arrived at the hospital we asked a nurse how my father was doing and she said, "oh, he's fine. We're checking him out tomorrow." My father had exaggerated his condition so that we would come back to see him. At that point he didn't have dementia. My siblings used guilt to make us react because they couldn't be bothered to check on him. My father used guilt the same way. It is amazing what family will do to manipulate people. The other poster was correct about losing your power. In my situation, as my father's dementia increases, he has become very verbally abusive. I've had to step away from him. No one deserves to be treated that way. I try to remember it is his sickness, but sometimes I see the person behind the illness remembering he was always controlling and abusive. The manipulation he uses to get me to do things for him is unreal. I no longer have any guilt for saying no to him. I set clear limits.

I wish I had a better answer for you, anonymous898674. I agree with the other poster that you need to stop allowing him to take your power. Stop being anonymous and be you, the person that can take your life back. My father's use of manipulation and guilt will no longer work on me. It doesn't mean I've stopped loving, it means I've started living again. Caregiving will suck the life out of you. Best of luck to you.

What a horrible situation. I think you need to get an elder attorney to help. As long as dad won't give up control of his finances, you're screwed. You could try for Guardianship, but that only ties you to him forever. You can wait until he has a medical emergency and ends up in the hospital, and from there try to get him to sign himself into a facility. Or perhaps the staff at the hospital can take over and place him somewhere. I dunno, it can be done, but you need to get professional help at this point.

You need to tell him he is going. Not ask him. Your giving your power away. Tell him it was temporary and not permanent. It is convient for him to live there. Thats why he is not leaving.
Dont leave it up to him to go look at places. Will never happen. No incentive to move. You and wife need to be a united front to him. Give him a 3 month deadline. Put it in writing so he knows this is it. Say you will have him evicted if he doesnt leave.
Its going to get ugly bc he feels he doesnt need to go anywhere.
You can always stiop catering to his needs. You arent paid employees. He can hire help. You both need to stand up against him. He will get mad but he will get over it. Good luck.

I would talk with your Dad and tell him that he will be going to a ace to live and ask him if he wants an input as to where it will be.

Let him know that you will get a few brochures and take him to tour the two he likes best.

Give him 1 week and if he doesn't choose a place. You choose and then make an appointment to tour the place and tell your Father of the Appointment and let him know that he can come with you or not but you will be deciding if he chooses to not go.

Then, sign him up and take him there.

You can't end up ruining your life because of his selfishness.

Such a difficult situation. Can you ask your sister to take him for a bit ? Don’t ask him but just have her drive out to get him for a break.
Also go see the assisted living places you are considering And if you like what you see, just make an appointment and take him. You can then let him know that he has two choices this place or a place by your sister. He might be upset with you at first but hopefully will start enjoying the sociability of his new place and you’ll be on better footing then. Hope it all goes well. We all know here how hard this is. And if he Is still at home and has another 911 situation, do not take him home if he is well enough to leave the hospital. Tell the social worker that there is no one to care for him. They will find him a place.

Don’t feel guilty at all about going forward with moving him out to assisted living facility. As he gets older if he continues to live with you and declines further especially cognitively it may be much more difficult. If he needs to apply for Medicaid in future he will not be eligible if he is living in your home with all of his resources still coming in. Let him start using those resources to support himself.
Your responsibility is to your wife and kids not to blow your retirement and able working years supporting aging parents. It is selfish of parents demand we do this for them. It is expected to help out and guide them yes if needed, but to the detriment of our own futures no. My own mother-in-law lived with us for 4 years and was a constant strain on our marriage. She was able bodied but thought it was her sons “duty” to support her. I was supportive at first but in hind sight was a huge mistake from beginning. Changes the dynamic of the house; everything.
Finally my husband gave her deadline to move out and she found low cost senior housing apartment in few weeks time! She was mad at first but now she loves having her privacy and has worked out well.
Your dad needs more assistance, but there are “residential care homes” in some states that would be great for him. My Mom lived in 1 of these until she needed a higher level of care later as her Alzheimer’s progressed past the point of assisted living.
Definitely have him start using his own resources to support himself whether that be rent or a day worker so you can get some respite. Have a contract made up and notarize it since as he spends down his income he will need to document if needs Medicaid in future. Remember there is a 5 year lookback and he will not be eligible until he has under $2000 in assets. Any other income streams must be spent down or set up in special trusts: many other ideas but may need to have him meet with elder care attorney. Either way it has to be taken care of before you whittle away your own security.
Wish you the best on your journey! It is not an easy task and you are a loving son doing your best in a difficult time. My Mom would have never wanted to be a burden to us when she was younger and in her clear mind, but as they age they are not as rational. Many are happier once they settle in at AL since they have others to befriend at same stage in life. They are just scared of the unknown at first. I visited often when first moved Mom in and in beginning was tough. After couple months was much easier though. There were still bad and good days but was happy to have my house back: no incontinence pads to deal with and accidents on couch, could watch programs on tv without constant griping, no special meals to cook, and not having to jump up to assist every time she had to use the bathroom. It changes you over time and wears you down. Anyway I will stop rambling but there are many options and wishing you the best as you go forward!!

Call the county and tell them how unsafe it is for him and they can advise him and either get workers to come into is home and help or they can find him a place.

Begin Getting his Affairs in Order by Signing things over to you or Someone, Hun..Then Next Year(SMH)APPLY FOR MEDICAID.xx

One of you needs to be POA and get that done while he has his wits about him because the time may come he will need the finances managed. Also medical POA. Get an appointment with an attorney and take dad with his checkbook and get the lawyer to explain why this is important and hopefully dad will listen to the attorney and do it.
Then as others suggested, set your boundaries. Get appointments with 2- 3 ALS and start the tour. Then ask which he liked best. Start the process to move him. There are Senior moving companies that do it all in within a day from packing, to moving, to unpacking it all and you don’t have to lift a finger.
The old Dr. Phil motto of "we teach people how to treat us" is applicable here. Be honest to him of the strain this has placed on your family. Remember you hold the cards not him.
The only other option I see is to pack him up and let your sister have her turn at caring for him.
but a POA must be executed!!

Tell him you are moving and that the house is on the market. It doesn't have to be for real but if he thinks you are moving maybe he'll be a little more willing to move. Explain you can't take him with you. Even start packing stuff in boxes and tell him you have to be out of the house by such and such date and needs to be in care by then. You could even put a for sale sign in the front yard.

Sorry. I’m not as sympathetic as some of the others. I am basing this reply on the inconsistencies in both your question and accompanying explanation.

POA? Power of attorney is a tool to assist the mentally incapacitated. If you are looking into Assisted Living, you believe your dad has capacity.

First and foremost, he is your dad. Without him, you would not be alive— childhood with baggage, or not. Never forget that. It’s very important to every aspect of your life.

Are you blaming him of incorrectly representing his situation as one of financial irresponsibility while at the same time you also write that, at least partly due to your own unemployment, you and your wife are not currently living within your means and are spending your retirement money early?

Baggage from your teenage years? Were those years a breeze for your parents? Based on what you write, I’m guessing that you were a handful.

Duped because he didn’t feel completely financially secure for his future? Isn’t that the way we all feel? Your explanation describes your parents as financially responsible with secure retirement planning.

I’m guessing your dad took care of you (physically and financially) for more than the 4 years you have taken care of him. During some of that time you needed to be carried. For a short while at least, you too were a fall risk. You may have (like him) even had a “911” emergency —or possibly two? Did he charge you rent? Did he put you out? During your childhood, he also could not have left you alone while he “reenergized” on a getaway. If he and your mother went away, he would have also needed to plan for your care. Did he (and your mother) clean up after you for a period longer than 9 months?

Since your dad has the money, he could have paid to have his home professionally emptied when he sold it. Who forced you to take on that task? Who forced you to invite him into your home?

Why don’t you try honesty? From your own words...“Dad, this is not working out for me—your living in the house is harming my marriage. I don’t feel I can reenergize with you around. I haven’t gotten a job since mom died and your presence has made me feel emotionally burned out. As a result of all this, we are spending more than we are making.” You could add, “We are losing rent that we could be earning by renting out the room you are staying in.”

Your dad probably has no idea you feel this way. He probably will be blindsided when you share your true feelings with him.

Since you have no patience or tolerance for him, he will probably Live his best life in a more positive environment.

Show him this website and ur question u posted! Including all the replies

Maybe you can "kill two birds with one stone", so to speak. Plan a vacation with your wife and since the doctors have said he can not be left alone in order for him to stay in your house while you are gone he will either need to hire caregivers or go to one of the AL facilities in the area for a "respite" stay. Perhaps if you choose the facility carefully he will find he likes it there. Maybe you could even help that along by not making life at your house quite as cushy shall we say? Meer his minimum requirements of course but maybe you don't serve his favorite meals, you have your wife's family favorites that include things that he isn't wild about. You don't get around to stocking up on his favorite snacks so they run out, maybe you start buying a new brand of TP...you get the picture and the changes start a few weeks maybe a month before the vacation so he's got a real taste of the new situation. Maybe your wife's brother could move in for an unspecified amount of time even and maybe something could change at work meaning your family income is decreasing so you need dad to start contributing and paying rent. That way you aren't just up and changing the arrangement there is a new circumstance requiring it. You could even use the opportunity to suggest getting other things in line, just in case maybe suggest going to an attorney who specializes in elder care who can help you figure out the best set up for your dad to start contributing, rent vs a little money here or there, contract vs none, that sort of thing as well as POA/MPOA/DPOA in case it's needed or the feasibility of AL for instance. If dad is afraid he will run out of money or afraid moving to AL means the end (your mom passed in a facility right?) spending time with an attorney who is giving him the unemotional valid reasons for doing some of these things might help him move out of this comfortable holding pattern with nothing to argue with you about...

He could get a job to contribute to the household. It gets him out the house and gives him something to do.

Could he be in denial? Have you spoken to sister, does she have poa? What is his physical/mental condition like? Contact your local senior services center, they have many programs and services that may be able to help you. Dumping him at a hotel or just changing locks is a good way for you to get an elder abuse charge,and a huge lawyer fee that you can not afford at this time. Also check out your local legal aid to see if they can help. Requesting "rent" from him is not unreasonable since you have been footing the bill for him all this time. Try asking him to reimburse you for your expenses, hey dad, while you had your home I helped you out much to my own financial detriment, do you think you can reimburse my expenses? He may not realize that he has created a hardship for your family. If he does know it and plain doesn't care give him a 30 day notice to move along with the list of assisted living facilities in the area. If he has cognitive problems file for guardianship that way if you choose to let him stay you know rent will be paid or if you choose you have the legal right to place him in the appropriate facility for his needs. Good luck, hope things work out one way or the other.

I’veBeenDuped,

At one time my older brother wanted to move in with us. There was absolutely no way I would have done it. Would have been a nightmare.

Hindsight is 20/20. I wish you had never opened up your door to him. He is taking advantage. Do what is necessary and do not feel guilty about it.

Does he ever go out? Can you change the locks when he’s out? Pack his stuff and rent a mini storage. Give him the address of where it is. Can you trick him some sort of way to get him out? Call someone to pick him up for an outing then have lock change for then.

You know, this isn’t just about money. Would you prefer your dad living elsewhere? Be honest with yourself first. Then once you know your answer, tell him or take legal action if all else fails. Sorry, this is so tough for you.

Geez people seem so harsh here, but that's his Dad and he perhaps made many sacrifices for him and showed him a lot of love over the years.

Sir you can check out the assisted living facilities and make an appointment to go see them. They have guest rooms where they allow you stay and see what life is like for a few days.

Go and take him with you. Have him participate in activities, eat in the dining room, make friends, see the other seniors zipping around on their electric mobility scooters. These facilities have lots of options, including transportation to doctors, outings, housekeeper once per week, on call nurse and so on.

In addition, you can hire a paid in home care giver to look in on him for four hours or so per week or more if you can afford it and it is deemed necessary.

There are many memory care facilities too and they are competing with each to offer more and more everyday. Take a little vacation with him to a facility. He may make friends and not want to leave.

In addition, you can hire a paid in home health caregiver to visit him for even four hours per week. The person would be able to see if he is taking his medications, paying attention to personal hygiene and a myriad of health options that you would agree to when you sign with the private caregiver or an agency.

Give him a bill for back payment of rent in writing.
You will need a paper trail if he is to he evicted for non-payment of rent.

Legally, you would have to evict him. But, come on, he is your dad. Assisted living is really not that expensive once you consider all the inclusions. The rent covers apartment, food, care and nursing costs.

Get in the car, drive to the most liked assisted living facilities and start forcing him to take tours. Just put your foot down and explain why. Such as you are not getting any financial assistance for him living there, which is wrong, and that he could receive better care in a facility. If he refuses, ask for some monthly rent. On the tours, he will find out the costs and might want to just pay you a smaller fee instead. You could also ask him to pay for a home health aid to come in so you are not so burdened. But, assisted living will have someone 24/7 to help him.

Good luck

I don't know if this is possible or not, but it's a suggestion for people to comment on if the original reason he moved in was stairs. Book him into a hotel for 2 nights (so he is there for a full day). I'd say pay in cash so they don't have your own bank details. If he falls, they should find him safely. Drop off his suitcase, and change your locks. Also drop off a letter to the hotel manager with a photocopy of his finance statements. That will show that he can afford to continue to pay the hotel if he wants - he is not being abandoned, he has adequate funds of his own to make his own arrangements.

There is going to be a big fuss. However even the fuss may be what you need to make things change. It will certainly get the message across to everyone involved in the fuss - probably including the police! You don't have to be the only one to act reasonably, even if you get criticized for poor behaviour.

I do apologise. The full force of this story has only just sunk in.

Your father had his wife admitted to a care home because he could not manage her needs at home (fair enough); and then moved in with you so that you could care for him..?

I should be ready to put on your Mrs Beyoudonebyasyoudid outfit. If he mounts any serious resistance to a fair, reasonable, sustainable plan he will have the nerve of the devil.

By the way though, he wouldn't be the first to be terrified of running out of money even though he's sitting on pots of the stuff. Money isn't only about the numbers, there's the emotional and psychological side to it, too.

So then take him to one facility, with a bag of his crap, and drop him off. From there he can learn to adapt. What he's doing is mooching off you and your wife! Tell him the truth! Your tired, burned out, and you can't afford to keep him like a lost dog: he's too expensive for that. If he doesn't understand that, leave him to a facility that will take care of him. He can pay them like the big boy he is because it's his responsibility.

I’d like to offer the opinion that you’ve been spinning your wheels on this long enough. You’ve taken on an incredible amount of responsibility and your thanks is going broke. I’m sure your wife doesn’t appreciate being the sole breadwinner so her FIL can live in his self- created hotel.

Set a a time limit for yourself and your father. In six month’s time (or sooner if you can), a new living arrangement for him will be in place, papers signed and all. .His things will be packed and labeled. The door will not be hitting him in the behind on his way out. If he is deliberately “forgetting” to look at the brochures, you will tell him you are choosing for him, then do so. Then, take your life back.