My mother has vascular dementia, has lost her license and depends on me for grocery shopping, scheduling doctor's appointment's and interpreting their comments, ordering and giving her her medications, making sure her dogs have meds, calling repair men...use to do her bills but she has accused me of stealing from her. She's told everyone she talks to friends, neighbors, other family members, her cleaner. She got her neighbor to get her into her accounts and the institution determined that I had not been stealing, nothing had been taken out of the account. But she is still accusing me. She has not gone back to anyone and told them that I actually had not been stealing. That same neighbor gave her her Humira injection and I almost gave her another one the same day. I happened to see the used pen on the counter just before I gave her the shot. She blames me for losing her license and not getting it back for her. I spent one year setting up tests neurologist, GP and driving school. She did not past any of the tests, not even close, including cognitive function exam. That was two years ago. I have not stolen from her. I do her paperwork for her. She sat at the table with me while I paid her property taxes online, gave her the receipt and she still accuses me of stealing the money. I've taken care of her for the past 3 years and the previous 4 years I took care of her and her then boyfriend who was in a wheelchair from a stroke. And it goes on and on.
I've hired caregivers to come in and help--but she either runs them off or won't let them in. She did let one come in but would not pay her. I had to pay her. My sister and I both have tried to get her to go into a residential facility but she refuses.
My mother told me that I don't do much for her. I can't do anymore and I'm thinking about doing less. My sister lives 3 hours away so I do everything.
I'm so tired and unhappy.
Stop doing things for her. Let her realize she DOES need help. If she calls you for help tell her that it's time for assisted living. If she refuses and expects you to endlessly prop up her charade of "independence" with little appreciation tell her you are done. She can either go to ALF with your help and guidance, or the state can decide her future, how her money is spent, and what facility she ends up living in.
See if that changes her tune.
You are tired and unhappy. The only thing that will make you feel less tired and less unhappy is joining forces with your sister and putting her in ALF. Stop propping her up in her charade of independence. Her needs will only increase.
Stop her as soon as she starts accusing you of anything. Tell her "No, you will not speak to me like that".
Until you find a spot for her, please pay caregivers using her checkbook, not yours. If she doesn't like it, that's too bad. You just need to get through the transition period between her living alone and moving to ALF.
You need to have a heart to heart with your sister. You need to be honest with your sister that you no longer can "do everything" for your mother. Ask her to tour ALFs near her. Tell her you will be touring ALFs near you. Get the ball rolling.
She didn’t want to go to a residential facility either, and probably should have gone into one at least a year before she actually did. I told her that she needed to move to a new apartment and that’s what the facility was. I didn’t go visit her (pre Covid) for a while after she moved in because she had become so hostile toward me.
Detach with love and do what you can. But do not accept or internalize abusive behavior. Since she has dementia, it is not really her choice whether or not to go onto a facility—she needs a lot of help and she’s making it impossible for you to give it to her. Just let her be mad about it, over time she will settle in. Ignore feelings of guilt. You are doing an amazing job regardless of what her illness tells you and you are not meant to shoulder all of this indefinitely.
You've done more than enough -- caring for her boyfriend and her. She should not be living by herself. And you know that.
Caregivers hired would be working for you so that she cannot fire anyone. You'll just have to explain that to them at the onset. Make sure they have access to a key to get in the house if she won't let them in. If mom understands things at all, explain that these people are coming and if she gives them grief, she will have to go to a safer place to live. A neighbor should not be dispensing meds to her without your knowledge - so you may need to talk with the neighbor. Some folks with dementia can be very coherent at times and convincing to those who aren't around them all the time. So approach the neighbor in a way that you are giving her info about the diagnosed dementia and need to avoid having a double dose of meds given.
If your mom is still harping on driving and, perhaps, still has a car. Disable the car and put a note under the hood so that some one doesn't fix it for her. Let it sit in the driveway as a broken vehicle that cannot be fixed if you have to. And avoid the argument of selling or removing the car.
She has really reached a point of needing caregivers in the home. If there is any way to reach her, in a conversation, put emphasis on 'her' safety and see how it goes. You're in a tough spot for sure, but doing less is going to result in the accident that will eventually happen for her. If she doesn't have option of living with you or sibling, it may well be time to go to memory care facility. Dementia is so hard for everyone involved.
She can order her own groceries to be delivered.
Onice she sees that things can't get done then she'll realize what you do.
If she is unable to handle her finances then she needs to sign allowing you to handle them.
If she has a checking account and everything is set up Auto Bill Paid, then just the Checking Account Statement will show where the money went and what for.
Tell the neighbor that you appreciate her willing to help but to mot give your mom a shot without letting you know because you almost gave her a 2nd one that day.
Maybe the neighbor lady can be paid to be a Caregiver a couple hours a day
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