I’m 54. My father is 94 and my mother is 92. I’m married and live nearby. Thankfully, they have in-home care, but I briefly swing by most afternoons for about an hour and a half or so, as I handle their grocery shopping, picking up prescriptions, paying their bills, etc…
I have always had a very close relationship with both of them. My mother is difficult, but she loves me dearly, and I love both of them dearly…
I only have one older sister, but she moved out of state last year to follow her kids and grandkids, which made a very difficult situation even so much harder on me, and left me feeling abandoned, overwhelmed, and angry at her for leaving me “holding the bag”, so to speak. But I’ve come to accept her moving away, and we are on good terms now. I’m no longer angry at her, but it still hurts that she left me all alone to take care of two elderly parents, especially knowing the mental and emotional effects it is having on me. Just so she could follow her grandchildren to Florida (I live in Connecticut). She moved a year and a half ago, and has never been back to visit. I asked her, “are you ever going to see them in this life again?” and she gets annoyed and won’t give me a straight answer, which I think is absolutely horrid…
I try to carry on with my life as normal as possible, but I basically feel heartbroken, alone, and scared every day. I cry a lot because it’s so unbearable for me to witness two formerly strong, independent loving parents be reduced to this… a shell of who they were. Obviously they’re up there in age, and it’s the “cycle of life”, but the fear of their passing consumes my life. Every day, I fear getting that phone call. I can’t imagine my life without either of them, and especially my father, since I was always “Daddy’s Girl.” As a kid, I had actual nightmares about losing them, but they were only in their 50’s back then, so it was a long way off, and I could shove it in the back of my mind and forget about it. But now that they are both in their 90’s, their passing is staring me in the face, and it terrifies me…
I work part time in the mornings, and I find it helpful, mentally, to be around other people in that setting. But if I had even one supportive person in my life, it would help a lot. But my sister and my cousin, who I am close with, they both live out of state now, as do my two closest friends. Phone calls are good, but certainly not the same as having a close relative or friend living nearby. Making matters worse, I have a difficult marriage with a man who lacks empathy, so I can’t lean on him, either. I joined a women’s group at church, and they are very nice, but they all have kids, and I don’t, so I find it hard to connect with them because that’s all they seem to talk about is their kids…
And to top it all off, I have two cats, one which is in the early stage of kidney disease. My cats are essentially my kids, and so now add the heartache and fear of losing him, in addition to losing my parents…
I am just so tired of living like this, feeling sad, alone, and scared every day. But there’s nobody nearby for me to turn to for support and comfort. I am NOT suicidal, but every day, I wish God would take me, because my heart hurts so, so much, there’s no relief in sight, and it’s only going to get worse as they continue to decline. Yes, there will be a certain sense of relief when they pass, because the ordeal will be over for all of us, and I know they will be with God, and I will join them one day. Yet I will be devastated, and I fear that I won’t be able to handle it, even though I am a person of faith in God. But I’ve yet to experience the passing of a close loved one, and the thought of it terrifies me…
Given the absolute insanity across the globe nowadays, perhaps the Second Coming of Christ is around the corner! I can only hope, as that would be my only viable means of rescue, LOL…
I know there are no easy answers to any of this. Just wanted to vent. And to find out if anyone can relate.
By nature you maybe a glass half-full person. I know, what you're experiencing is more overwhelming than that over simplification, but many people are born crippled, physically, emotionally, or mentally, to some degree or groomed to be crippled, but like you, and everybody else, we are also equipped as homosapiens to be adaptive and many faceted. Seek out that wiser side of yourself. You cannot voice or replay in your mind over and over that same story about all your fears and negative expectations and expect to strengthen. A thoroughbred can either be taught to pull a plow or to be the wind on hooves depending on what kind of exercise it repeats.
Look up The Optimists Creed, print it out and read it everyday.
Get rid of words like, Terrified, Hurt, Daddy's Girl, Scared, from your everyday language and thoughts.
And btw, ordinarily husbands, men, are not girlfriends. They are programed to take heavy blows but not water torture. They are meant to hold up the homes of the women who make the home. If you find him not sympathetic completely he's either the wrong man or a super over burdened one with your crying everyday. I shutter.
You maybe transferring your fears about yourself on to your parents. We all age, breakdown and compensate the best we can. Get up every morning and exercise first thing. Make aging more manageable. I was given a book to read that I wouldn't pick up because of the horrible title The Art of Dying Well but finally I did and it's got great tips for living well as well as of course other great information. Knowledge can be very soothing and strengthening.
You wrote "I am just so tired of living like this, feeling sad, alone, and scared every day. But there’s nobody nearby for me to turn to for support and comfort."
FIrst of all, there is and always has been, and it's you. That big sister in you has got to take the person you identify with by the hand and find a support group that you relate to, not women with children. They are naturally in their logical milieu. They are dealing with the beginning and joyous part of life. It's like looking to get oranges from a gasoline pump. You are looking for solace in a mismatched kind of way. Grieving support groups are for grievers. Caregiving support groups exist for caregivers.
You can join one even if it's in another state by Zooming.
After awhile, however long it may take, that sobbing frightened child will disappear and you will be someone else's shoulder and support. You are the cause of your isolation.
The cavalry doesn't come over the hill. As adults we become our own cavalry.
I understand it's difficult but nothing is going to change if you continue to do what doesn't work.
Your sister did something very healthy. Do something healthy your way for you and your husband.
Exercise (15 minutes, almost) every day, throw out cr*p, take a shower, put something in a crockpot, research the internet, call a social worker in a hospital, make mistakes, tell you husband you're waking up.
To be honest, I struggle with the belief that adult children are not obligated to be there for their elderly parents, in any way. If the parents were physically and / verbally abusive, then there is NO moral obligation. But if the parents were loving and generous, then I believe it’s cold hearted to simply abandon them in their elder years, when they need support and compassion the most. I realize that is only my opinion, and that many people would disagree with it, but I can’t help how I feel. My parents were always there for my sister, in many ways through the years, including after she got married. Generous with their money and with their time. My father is a carpenter, and he so often went over to their house to help with repairs, etc, and he enjoyed doing so, while saving them money. Now being in their 90’s, with not many years left, my sister didn’t hesitate to move far away. She complained to me that she can’t do FaceTime calls with my mother, because my mother becomes emotional and cries when she sees my sister. I also think it’s unconscionable that my sister has not once visited in a year and a half, and apparently has no plans to visit at all. She and her husband are both retired, and I see no reason why they can’t come up for even a brief visit. She just doesn’t want to be bothered, and because it’s “too depressing.” Meanwhile, I’m here on the “front lines” by myself. Although thank God they do have home care, or I would have totally gone off the rails, so I’m very grateful for that!
I understand that she wants to be near her grandchildren. But that means it’s OK to just abandon your parents in their greatest time of need? I’m certainly not talking about hands-on care. Even I don’t do that. But simply being a presence in their life. The people who gave her life, and gave so much of themselves to her - pale in comparison to those grandchildren. Obviously, I have to accept her decision to do that, but I don’t agree with it from a moral standpoint. Very cold hearted, in my opinion, and it has caused my parents and myself a tremendous amount of pain…
Your sister is selfish. Stop beating a dead horse. You're hurting yourself. Has your current method of dealing with this improved the situation?
Forget your sister. Never, ever, talk about your parents to her again. If she brings them up ie how they doing? Answer, Their doing, or, You know, same thing. Your sister is a detached stranger. Someone you never knew, or did you?
Lighten your heart.
Shift gears for your sake.
I agree that a therapist would be a good idea especially because your husband isn't a support for you. Did he not have a good relationship with his parents?
I think the suggestion of a trip to visit your sister and cousin is a good one. I'd go without your husband and make it a girls' visit. You can easily arrange groceries and prescriptions for your folks for a few days while you're gone and the bills can wait.
I also think that you're burning yourself out with daily visits. Most bills and mail can be handled once a week. Is switching to grocery delivery once a week possible? Does their pharmacy deliver? I think you need a little bit of breathing room from your parents. If you still want to visit every day, set aside some days as "just visiting not managing your affairs" days.
You work part-time in the mornings and find that helpful. Would you find it even more helpful if it was more than part-time? Do you only work part-time because you go to your parents' every afternoon?
How do you feel about the tasks you do for them? Is it becoming too much? Could they have groceries delivered (as someone else suggested)?
You wrote this in another post: "But as I struggle beneath this enormous burden as a caregiver to my difficult parents who are in their 90's, I also struggle with feelings of envy and resentment. I'm ashamed to have such feelings, but it's so hard not to, when my parents are both driving me over the edge of insanity. I love parents, and they have been very good to me through the years, for which I am so grateful, but on the other hand, my mother has a "Jekyll & Hyde" personality, as she has what I believe to be Borderline Personality Disorder, which has caused a tremendous amount of turmoil and anguish for me and the family, and my father is wonderful, but tends to be obsessive-compulsive, which drives me crazy."
We all have different limits, and it sounds like you have reached yours. I second the recommendation to see out a therapist, just to have someone to hear what you've posted here and help you to sort out those feelings.
You have the burden of an unsupportive spouse in addition to your perception that all of your parents' care is on you. You need to be able to plan with a clear head and not quite so bogged down with longing and regret about the actions of others over which you have no control.
How has your parents' aging and your relationship with your husband affected your planning for your own old age?
Your sister
Your mom
Your dad.
Granted they are not dead but the relationship has changed.
Your parents are somewhat dependent upon you, or what you do for them.
Your sister is living her life the way she should. And you may be a bit jealous of the life she has, kids and the support of her family and you don't have that.
Have you thought of cutting your daily visits to your parents and having the groceries and prescriptions delivered.
Make plans to visit a friend, your sister, a cousin. go by yourself if your husband does not want to go.
I also think talking to a therapist might help. Even if it is just 1 or 2 visits talking to an unbiased third party sometimes helps. Some of the the things you describe can be related to depression and medication can help.
Your sister is under no obligation to provide care for your parents, as hard a truth as that is to accept. Her first priority is her immediate family, so she in fact got it right at her end.
Aging, decline, health issues and end-of-life are hard things, so you're not imagining that. BUT you need to make peace with it and move on with your own life right now at the same time you help your parents. It is possible. That's why talking to a therapist will help you... so that you can find and keep healthy boundaries and have goals and do self-care.
I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you work through this time in your life.