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You cope by making sure that you're getting out and still doing the things that you enjoy. And you cope by getting help for your depression, whether that's talking to a therapist or counselor or having your doctor put you on an antidepressant, or both. Then you make sure that your husband is being treated properly for his pain. Has he been to a pain clinic yet? Most of us when we took our wedding vows said that we would be with our spouse "in sickness and health, till death do us part." While those words are easy to say the day of the wedding, putting them into practice if and when the time comes is a whole other story. But when we really love someone it can be done, although it can be very hard. That's when self care becomes very important so we don't lose ourselves along the way.
And I know of what I speak here as my late husband had a massive stroke a year and a half after we were married(second marriages for both)at the age of 48 and I was 36. We were never able to be intimate after that, and I cared for my husband through all the many obstacles, complications and illnesses that ensued including him developing vascular dementia towards the end of his life. And though he pretty much preferred to just stay home, I am a people person, so I made sure that I was getting out regularly with my female friends doing things that I enjoyed as I learned the hard way how very important self care was. I also have a strong faith(wasn't necessarily strong at the beginning but it should got stronger as time went by)which got me through everything. I'm a firm believer that without God in ones life everything has to be so much harder than it has to be, so make sure you're leaning on Him. My husband died at the age of 72 and after we were married 26 years(3 years ago now)and I am grateful that I was able to honor my wedding vows until the end. I'm not going to lie and tell you it was always easy because it wasn't, but I will tell you that now in retrospect if given the chance I would do it all over again for the man I loved and because it has made me into the person I am today and I kind of like the person I've turned out to be. I'm praying that God will give you the courage and strength needed to continue on this journey with your husband.
I like the words you said. My husband got dementia then Alzheimers in his late 50's/60's and didn't know me as his wife at all and when I asked him if I am not his wife, "who am I taking care of you", his answer was always "my friend". That was hard to take after the more than 50+ years of a wonderful marriage, but I honored my vows and took this "for better or worse", and took care of him until his death from a fall. Since he was going to continue to fall, and continue to try to walk out of our home, when he didn't even know where he lived, I took his death as a blessing, as he might have gotten killed trying to cross a street, as he insisted cars would stop for him. Was it an easy thing to do? No, but I had to be strong. If I was busy doing something and told him to wait till I was done, he would walk out anyway, so I stopped what I was doing to go for the walk with him. He was safer with me tagging along to call for help if he needed it, as he would not have known what help is/was. You can only do so much with a demented patient at home, and since he insisted in going for a walk, I made the decision to put him in a place where he was safe. Was I wrong? I don't think so. Was I mean? No, I may have saved him being maimed to death by a car if he "took the right of way" in walking with a car coming his way with high rate of speed. I couldn't lock him up, as he was stronger than I, but I dropped what I was doing to accompany him, versus he may be killed taking the right of way on the street as a pedestrian. It is not a walk in the park to care for a demented spouse or partner. Let the dishes or laundry go, go with the person, help them, play with them, sit with them. But keep them safe, and pray for their safety.
There is little pain management for neuropathy because it's nerve damage pain which does not respond to traditional pain killers. Cymbalta is the ONLY medication that ever helped my mother at ALL with her neuropathy. It's an antidepressant which also helps with neuropathy. Speak to hubbys doctor about it. And to your doctor about an antidepressant for you. Nobody feels much like being intimate when dealing with chronic pain.
Penetrex cream available on Amazon also dulls the pain for neuropathy in the feet and legs for many folks. It helped mom before she got very old and wheelchair bound.
Everyone's answer has valid points. I only want to add my husband has been in pain 50 years. I was new to this as were were married 4 years ago. I think one of the best things I did was attend the classes offered by pain management that shed a lot of light on how the person afflicted evaluates their day and manages it. The fear of leaving home, driving, intimacy were all discussed. My husband has an interthecal pump which dispenses drugs that goes directly into his spine. He also is currently taking Ketamine. These are all drastic measures, but ones available if pain is severe and chronic. There are many steps you need to go through and I encourage you to get into pain management ASAP, and if your hospital is not proficient in this switch to one that is. We work with 3 hospitals, VA, Kaiser, and Stanford Medical. This is a LONG road, of which there are a few on it. I'm praying for you. Stay healthy yourself, and be with friends often.
Another thing to try for neuropathy and inflammation would be CBD salve or oil. You can buy it already made. The 2,500 milligram or higher work best. Or, you can make your own oil using CBD purchased from a distributor-they are everywhere. You can also grow your own in most states. Buy the hemp oil from Amazon. Buy enough dried hemp (16 ounces-a pound) to two cups of hemp oil in a crock pot on high for a few hours then turn it down on low for few hours. When cool pour it through a strainer and then into 2 ounce dark brown bottles. The color should be dark golden amber. It smells awful. The darker the more potent the CBD. You can add 10 drops each of vanilla, bergamot, and lavender to mask the smell. Rub some on your feet or wherever it hurts and put a heating pad on after the oil has absorbed a few minutes. It really calms the neuropathy and throbbing pain. This is a good alternative for me to oral medications as I am allergic to almost everything and have asthma. I usually first put on bio freeze spray that has 10 percent menthol first and a few minutes later the CBD oil. I have neuropathy in my feet, sciatica on the right back and leg, and an L5 tear that acts up when I lift heavier objects too much. Iced gel packs also help. It’s something that has to be managed every day. All the best!
My friend has neuropathy in her feet and confessed to me that she paid $5000 for a "cure" online (some "light" machine, treatment) that didn't work. This friend is quite intelligent, and has worked in the medtech sector her whole life. If anyone should not have fallen pray to online treatment scams, it would have been her.
Just saying this so that your husband doesn't get so desperate that he wastes money (and time) on unproven treatments. Only work through his doctor or pain clinic. May you find solutions and gain peace in your hearts on this journey.
I can believe it. When you have pain that the doctors don’t seem to be able to do anything about, you’ll try almost anything. And OP’s husband is only 64 years old, same as me. These are supposed to be the best years.
In addition to the medical / medication discussed, have you considered going to couples counseling to discuss intimacy / lack of intimacy. It will also give you an opportunity to express how you feel, your grief and perhaps feeling so alone and/or lonely. It is a very sad and difficult situation. A therapist - even briefly - may be able to support both of you.
There is nothing quite so depressing as chronic pain, and the thoughts of "intimacy" quickly take a back seat. I agree with Barb it is time to see pain management consultation.
As to intimacy itself, once there is some pain management, and perhaps treatment for depression for ongoing nerve issues, there are many forms of intimacy. You may want to avail yourself of some counseling to discuss.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Then you make sure that your husband is being treated properly for his pain. Has he been to a pain clinic yet?
Most of us when we took our wedding vows said that we would be with our spouse "in sickness and health, till death do us part." While those words are easy to say the day of the wedding, putting them into practice if and when the time comes is a whole other story. But when we really love someone it can be done, although it can be very hard.
That's when self care becomes very important so we don't lose ourselves along the way.
And I know of what I speak here as my late husband had a massive stroke a year and a half after we were married(second marriages for both)at the age of 48 and I was 36. We were never able to be intimate after that, and I cared for my husband through all the many obstacles, complications and illnesses that ensued including him developing vascular dementia towards the end of his life.
And though he pretty much preferred to just stay home, I am a people person, so I made sure that I was getting out regularly with my female friends doing things that I enjoyed as I learned the hard way how very important self care was.
I also have a strong faith(wasn't necessarily strong at the beginning but it should got stronger as time went by)which got me through everything. I'm a firm believer that without God in ones life everything has to be so much harder than it has to be, so make sure you're leaning on Him.
My husband died at the age of 72 and after we were married 26 years(3 years ago now)and I am grateful that I was able to honor my wedding vows until the end. I'm not going to lie and tell you it was always easy because it wasn't, but I will tell you that now in retrospect if given the chance I would do it all over again for the man I loved and because it has made me into the person I am today and I kind of like the person I've turned out to be.
I'm praying that God will give you the courage and strength needed to continue on this journey with your husband.
Penetrex cream available on Amazon also dulls the pain for neuropathy in the feet and legs for many folks. It helped mom before she got very old and wheelchair bound.
Best of luck
Just saying this so that your husband doesn't get so desperate that he wastes money (and time) on unproven treatments. Only work through his doctor or pain clinic. May you find solutions and gain peace in your hearts on this journey.
Amen to everything funkygrandma59 replied to you.
It sounds as though your husband needs to be seen by someone who specializes in pain management.
Have you considered treatment for your depression?
Gena / Touch Matters
https://connect.mayoclinic.org/
As to intimacy itself, once there is some pain management, and perhaps treatment for depression for ongoing nerve issues, there are many forms of intimacy. You may want to avail yourself of some counseling to discuss.