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My Mom is 93. I live with her. My brother and his family live down the road. My Mom is upset with me that I am not going to do a lot of decorations this year. She wants her huge Christmas tree up. She thought that she had decorated last year. She has not decorated a Christmas tree in 5 years. I used to love Christmas but she has made it more difficult with what she wants. How do I tell her that I will not be doing all the decorations, the cleaning or the cooking that she is expecting? Christmas was always my favorite holiday but it isn't anymore because I am expected to clean, cook and decorate. Please, someone, tell me what I can say to her to make her understand that I want some joy in this holiday, too.

Just buy a table top tree and tell her the decor is up. Then order Christmas dinner from the Grocery to pick up the day before and done and done. ✔️
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Reply to southernwave
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ElizabethAR37 Nov 16, 2024
Makes sense to me! My husband (95) and I (soon to be 88) will be doing minimal decorating and cooking this Christmas. Making our adult children responsible for Christmas? Nope! They have their own. Our son has offered to put up our outdoor wreath and a "light show" fixture, which we greatly appreciate. Otherwise, if we can't do it, it isn't getting done.
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You don't need to convince her of anything. She'll know Christmas will be different this year when she sees it with her own eyes. I'd not discuss it with her at all if it were me.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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She seems to have short-term memory impairment so anything you tell her will evaporate into the ethos, just in time for you to have to re-convince her the next day.

I agree with others that you don't discuss it with her when she starts haranging you. You do what you feel willing and able to do. You can fend her off by distracting her or changing the subject. Take her for a drive to see the pretty Christmas lights locally. Have her decorate cookies or make chain garland or cut paper snow flakes. I hope you have a peaceful holiday together.
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Reply to Geaton777
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She will think she decorated it this year as well.
You don't convince her of anything; we never do.
You simply do it as you must do it and that is that.
Where did this new thing come from that we are responsible for our parents happiness and that old age has ANYTHING to do WHATSOEVER with happiness in general. Old age is about loss. It is about memory and trying to be as contented as you are able knowing your life is draining away. This isn't a happy time and I assure you of that as an 82 year old. And you have gone from DD to caregiver. Responsible for EVERYTHING and with no thanks for it.

This is simple. This will be what it must be for YOUR sake. It has nothing to do with her, her choice, her happiness, or really the onus and burden that Holidays and their "happy-all-the-time" burden puts upon half the populace every year.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Tell her the big tree is not possible . Tell her the doctor said you have to take it easy . You may have to keep repeating .

I have two prelit tabletop trees , one 3 foot one in the family room which I put ornaments on , and a two foot prelit in the dining room that I leave bare .

Both were from Amazon , complete with lights on them and burlap around the base . Just plug it in

Order a meal you can reheat , put a movie on .
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Reply to waytomisery
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At 75 I have cut back alot. This year will be my last year to ship goodies. From TG to the first 2 weeks of Dec I am trying to get things ready before the last shipping date before Christmas. It was fun in years past but not now. My immediate family and I stopped gift giving a while back. It was mostly giving each other gift cards. I didn't do cards for 7 yrs. Last year I did so people knew I was still alive. Not this year. Not pushing myself. The girls are adults as is one grandson. The other grandson his parents do the Christmas thing. Me, he gets an Amazon Gift card to buy what he wants.

I agree, don't say anything to Mom. Just let her talk, first of all its not even Christmas yet. Don't stress yourself out.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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If you are having a lot of guests for Christmas dinner order one of the Dinners from your local Grocery store or local restaurant that does full meals.
Yeah, the price looks high but you don't have to do all the shopping or cooking.
Get a small pre lit tree and set that up.
For years I was the one that got the tree from the attic, I was the one that set it up, I was the one that decorated it, then I was the one that took all the decorations off, took apart the tree, packed back into the box and dragged it back to the attic.
After my husband started trying to eat the decorations cuz they looked like candy or fruits I said that's it no more.
Ya know I don't miss it. Although now I have no husband to eat the decorations I do have a cat that would try to climb it and a dog that would "christen" it! So I still don't set up a tree. I do minimal decorations and am happy with what I do.

Keep telling mom, Oh, I'll get to the decorations next week.
And do yourself a favor, for a present to yourself hire cleaning people to come in and do a cleaning that takes care of the cleaning aspect of your holiday.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Maybe I am just sentimental, this may be you or your mom's last Christmas. Your brother and his family should be involved. Christmas should be at their house since you are taking care of your mother. So sorry for your dilemma.
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Reply to Onlychild2024
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Do you have grandkids that could set up the tree, and then take it down before they leave. And maybe just do soup and sandwiches where everyone brings something. I thought my mom would be here for thanksgiving and Christmas this year. We lost her 2 weeks ago. I really wish I could have set up her last Christmas tree.
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Reply to Charliana
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I had major back surgery 3 weeks ago. Do I feel like pulling out all the stops and making Christmas be the magical thing it always was for my kids and grandkids?

Absolutely not.

I knew, pre-surgery, that I would be in pain and my physical capabilities limited. I thought about what was important and what wasn't. Over the past few years I have slowly culled out things that didn't matter.

My tree is a darling, tiny 'skinny' tree. I store it set up, lights and all. I get DH to haul it upstairs and I put whatever ornaments on it that I want to. I tell the rest of the ornaments maybe they'll make the cut 'next year'.

I put Christmas themed pillows on the couches. And some smaller items around the living room.

Christmas morning is a brunch and we have a breakfast casserole I have been making for 30 years! The girls bring stuff too. No one is overwhelmed.

The gkids open their gifts, then promptly put them in a bag and go downstairs and play with the old toys THEIR parents played with.

My family is fine with my desire to cut back.
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Reply to Midkid58
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anna739 1 hour ago
Would you mind sharing your casserole recipe? I'm tired of my same ol same ol one. One thing I have done recently is to buy a LONG bread pan and make long loaves of banana bread made with cake mix and real bananas and applsauce. So moist and delish. Next one is going to be with a spice cake mix and grated zucchini with applesauce and nuts. (I always add a teaspoon of apple pie spice + pumpkin pie spice and extra vanilla.) I'm hoping you are blessed with a quick recovery and all is much better with your back. Good health is the greatest blessing we can ever have.
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